Submissive Journal Prompts - Week of December 1

Prompts are from Submissive Journal Prompts.

~Service submissive vs. Housekeeper. What’s the difference between drudgery and service? What makes your service different than what you can pay for?

We are not 24/7, so this does not really pertain to us, though I do like to offer Him service (both sexual and otherwise) when we are together. I will answer this from that perspective. The service that I offer Him (and would love to offer Him) comes from my love for Him and my desire to please Him, not out of duty or obligation.

I do know that in a 24/7 relationship, service can possibly become wearing or mundane. I think that the answer would still be the same, the key would be my attitude. Especially understanding, as I do, how stressful and busy His life can be, I feel it would be even more important to provide Him with a refuge from His demands. To make sure that my submission and service were not another demand, but were available for His comfort and a respite from the stresses He faces on a daily basis. When it comes to domestic service, I like to challenge myself to pay attention to details that I know will be pleasing to the other person. Including everything from meal preparation to having their clothes pressed a certain way or even how the bed is made. Keeping the other person's preferences in mind while completing those tasks.

~How do you view ‘fear’?

This has changed for me over my lifetime. There was a time in my life when I feared actual physical harm. I once feared not being there for my children when they needed me. The boys are adults now, and though they still might need me at times, they can take care of themselves.

J has helped me overcome much of my fear. Though, there are still times I may feel it, due to remembering bad situations, I know that I am now safe and cared for. I may worry, at times, about people I care for, that is different from fear. I do have a fear of heights and a fear of needles, but I do not let them become irrational, I can control those fears.

~What is the one thing you never thought you would do, and how did you feel when you accomplished it? Was it something you did for yourself, or for someone else?

I am not sure of my answer to this. Perhaps it is being able to heal from and overcome the abuse of my past. For that matter, I never envisioned myself in a loving relationship again. I had been very careful to keep people at arm's length and to keep my feelings to myself. When I met J, things were very different. He was very different from other men I had known. He seemed to know me so well, I just knew that I could trust Him. I still never planned on loving Him, but I couldn't help it.

I don't know if I view this as an accomplishment or just healing. I have been surprised by the progression of things and very happy. I do honestly feel that I was fated to be in this relationship with J. I am very content with things. I don't know that I did this for anyone. I feel it was more something J did for me, encouraging me to be open and allowing me to trust again. Being the man that He is, He made things safe for me again.

Submissive Journal Prompts - week of July 28th

~Define your limits. Explain why you can't or won't go past that point and try to think about things that were once limits but are not any longer.


It is hard to define my current limits, they have been changing so quickly. I want to reach the point of not having any limits with Him. Most of my limits have indeed fallen by the wayside, if we haven't already crossed them, we have discussed it and will soon. I will admit that I am not into certain things, blood, needles, cutting and the like. He is not into those things either. I am not sure how I would react if He requested those of me. I do not think it will come to pass, but I almost feel He could take me past those limits too.

I have become decidedly more masochistic as our relationship has progressed. I am not sure it is the pain that I crave, but the intensity and the surrender. Many of my fantasies are involving more severity of pain. He has introduced this to me in degrees and always seems to know exactly where the edge lies with me. He takes me to the edge and dangles me there, leaving me wanting more, after wondering if I could take what He just inflicted on me.

His latest focus (and now mine also) has been on public exposure and exhibitionism. This is a big test for my submission. While the scenarios are definitely hot, the actions are extremely hard for me. He has had me engage in some sexual behavior in public venues. He has directed me to several orgasms right at our table while dining out. I have sucked His cock in the hallway, outside of our hotel room door. He has pinched and played with my nipples (both through my top and reaching inside my top) in elevators and parking lots with people present. I have walked from His car to my front door with my ass partially exposed (and probably very red).

I know that He will continue pushing me towards more and more exposure. He enjoys that, it amuses Him. Despite it making me very nervous and embarrassed, I enjoy it too. I am working very hard on being able to do whatever He asks of me, wherever we are. I expect I am almost there. He does like teasing me though. He is constantly telling me things that He has thought of, that He might require of me. In addition to the tease factor, He does this to gauge my reaction and condition my mind to the possibility. I pay attention, as I know that most of His teasing is really not "just kidding."


~What would you advise someone brand new to this sort of lifestyle, when they are looking for a potential owner/dominant? Is there anything that you would have done differently?

I am not sure what my advice would be. I would have never expected our relationship to have progressed the way that it has. I was not expecting to find a Dominant. I did secretly hope that something may develop along those lines, but I thought it would be "down the road." However, He opened that door immediately. He brought up spanking and D/s and other interests that He had. While I was surprised, I responded in kind. He made His Dominance and His interests clear to me from the start. There is nothing that I would change, the rest is history.

What He didn't do was assume my submission to Him. He was respectful and pleasant, not demanding. In a way, He interviewed me (but did not interrogate), He felt me out, He spent time learning me. I suppose my advice would be the same that is given over and over. Just because someone is a Dominant, doesn't mean that they are your Dominant. You do not have to submit before you are ready (if at all). If someone demands that from you, run the other way. It is a power exchange, not a power grab. That power is not gained, until it is given. Also, be careful, do not meet with someone until you are sure who they are. Check, to make sure they are telling you the truth. Let someone know where you will be and who you will be with. Not everyone is safe and trustworthy. Yadayadayada, you've heard it all before.

I certainly didn't know what I wanted or what I needed. He has helped me establish that. Apparently, what I need is Him.

~Are you encouraged to use dirty talk during sexual play? How does it make you feel?

I am not necessarily encouraged, but sometimes I do. I always have.

It makes me feel sexual. It is freeing and sensual, it turns me on. I am not sure how anyone can have sex, while being prim and proper and quiet. He does encourage me to be loud though. He wants to hear me, He wants the neighbors to hear me. He likes to hear me cum, not little moans and whimpers, but screams. And yanno, I just have to obey.

~What homemaking skills do you have? Can you knit, crochet, sew, mend. quilt...?

Given the time and inclination, I could be quite the little happy homemaker. Though, I do need my "being out in the work world" fix too. I have many skills, just not enough time to indulge them. I sew, mend, quilt, do needlework, cook, garden, bake, craft, etc. I love doing those kinds of things. I am quite good at most of them. My grandmother was a seamstress, she taught me to sew on an old Singer treadle machine (when my feet barely reached the treadle). I can whip up any pattern and sometimes I do design my own. She also taught me to knit and crochet, the problem was, I never learned. She finally told me to give up on it. I guess I am way to uptight and my stitches seem to follow suit. I know how to do it, I just don't do it well.

I love quilts and I love to make them. I have a fabric fetish. I have boxes and drawers full of fabric, waiting to be made into quilts. I cannot resist collecting different colors and patterns, a yard here, a fat quarter there. I have enough to make quilts from now until I die, but then I always find something new, that I can't live without.

Cooking is a bit the same way. I could spend a fortune on pans, gadgets, and ingredients, if only I had a fortune to spend. I used to cook much more, when I had a family at home. I still like to cook and bake for people. But when it is just me, I am as likely to have a salad or a bowl of cereal for dinner. I am certainly capable of putting on quite a spread, from a backyard cook-out, to something much more elegant.

~"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands, but in seeing with new eyes."
~Marcel Proust

I am seeing things with "new eyes" all the time. Much of the reason my limits are falling away is that I am coming to view them differently. As I get older and experience more of life, I am viewing the world differently. I am seeing things for what they are and not what I have been told they are. My attitude is changing, I am becoming more open and fluid all the time. I am more accepting now than I ever was when I was younger. Old experiences are becoming new to me. I am constantly learning and reflecting.

I am also getting much better at seeing things from others' points of view. Our society, as a whole, is very judgemental and intolerant. People judge and condemn what they don't understand. Americans are very ethno-centric. Our melting pot mentality is that everyone should give up their individuality and melt into the same mold. Rather than embrace diversity, we should all be the same. This "I am right and you are wrong" way of thinking often even shows up in BDSM. I often encounter discussions where people feel compelled and justified to tell others they are practicing their kink all wrong. "If you do not do this (fill in the blank), then you are not a submissive (or a slave, or masochist, or whatever). If we cannot even be open minded in this lifestyle, then how can we be open minded in life.

Prompts are from Submissive Journal Prompts.

Submissive Journal Prompts - week of June 23

~Are you in a long distance relationship? How do you keep the feeling of submission alive over the miles?

We do have a long distance relationship. I have never felt it was a problem to keep my feeling of submission alive. We talk and exchange messages almost daily, sometimes several times a day. I use the blog as a communication of sorts, I know He checks and reads it everyday. He does occasionally give me assignments. Mostly though, He dominates my thoughts. I think of Him constantly. I consider Him as I write, I gauge what I think His response will be. I do not censor what I write, but I am aware of Him during the writing process. Beyond that, I incorporate Him into my daily life in my mind. I make mental notes of things I want to tell Him and share with Him. I think of things I want to discuss and get His opinion on. I fantasize about Him, replaying past scenes and imagining future scenes and desires that we have discussed.

At the start of our relationship, there were times when I would struggle, not with my submission, but my insecurities. I worried about submitting enough, I wondered about being pleasing to Him. I wondered how I compared to others He had played with and wondered how long things would last for us. I did at times express my concerns, but I did not want to appear needy or clingy. Time and circumstances have banished my concerns. He has always been affirming and attentive, even from a distance. I know I am cared for and appreciated. I know I can be open and honest with Him and He will give me an honest response.

I have given myself to Him, I do not want or need anyone else. I acknowledge that our circumstances limit our relationship. I am fine with those limitations, I can accept the restrictions, because I know I occupy a part of His life and thoughts. I have no problem accepting my place, my role in things. I do not feel that our relationship is unbalanced or one-sided. We both value our relationship, we are extremely important to each other. Yet we both have separate lives and responsibilities. He is supportive and concerned, but I would never expect or want Him to be responsible for my life outside of our relationship. I hope I am as supportive and concerned with Him. As the depth of our commitment and feelings for each other has deepened, we share more with each other of our separate lives, but they remain separate. This works very well for us.

~How do you feel about public displays of affection? discipline? play?

My feelings on this have changed quite a bit. I have never been a fan of public displays of any kind. I now want everyone to know I am His. We are not overly demonstrative, but I love when He touches me or kisses me in public.

I have not received discipline (i.e. punishment), in public, or otherwise. I have certainly not been perfect, if He chose to discipline me I am sure He could find something that warranted it. He has not desired this or found a need. I do not engage in brat behavior, I do try to be pleasing to Him. We are very connected on a deep psychological level, administering discipline could not make me more submissive or obedient.

We do not engage in public play via events or groups. We have discussed public exposure and public sex. We have dabbled in that a bit. I have a remote control, butterfly vibe that I have worn on a lunch date with Him. My first public (though discreet) orgasm was in Applebee's during their lunch rush. He now can talk me into an orgasm. He directs me with His voice, telling me what to feel, what to imagine is being done to me. My second public orgasm was achieved that way in a neighborhood bar (and though I thought I was just as discreet, it was spotted by another patron). He had me touch myself on that occasion too. I have also bent down and sucked His cock in the hallway outside our room at the Radisson. He knows this is difficult for me, as I am not an exhibitionist, but then again, I didn't used to be a masochist either. LOL (I highly doubt that I am a masochist now, but I do crave pain from Him.)

~What has been your greatest personal victory in your life?

Wow, this one is really hard to decide on. I feel I am blessed and proud to have had many victories in my life. I am a single mom and raised two boys alone. I have gone from being on public assistance (after my divorce) to owning my own home. I am a cancer survivor (though that is not through any efforts on my own, my doctor is great). I think if I had to choose one thing, it would be returning to school to finish my degree. I dropped out of college at age 20 to get married (yes, I know how stupid that was) and returned at age 47. I am still working on it, it will take me 4 years to complete what should have been two. I have plans to continue, in order to obtain my Masters, when I am done. I have no regrets about dropping out years ago, I am who I am, due to the life I have led. I have continued to work full time, while taking half to full-time credit hours. I have learned much more than I ever would have when I was younger. I have done exceptionally well, almost a 4.0 (two B's). I had mostly electives to complete and have taken a variety of courses and indulged my lust for learning. And when I finally walk, to get that piece of paper, HUGE party at my house, every one's invited.

~What has been your greatest disappointment in your life?

I cannot claim to have never been disappointed, but I do not like to hang on to regret. Things happen, most of the bad things have made me stronger. So, nothing here of a personal nature.

I do have a related rant of a political nature. If you hate politics or are a right-wing Republican, stop reading now.

I am extremely disappointed in our government. I am sad and outraged to know how our rights and freedoms have been eroded. The Constitution has been ravaged, the document that was the structure and foundation of our country has been desecrated. People are being locked up with no due process or access to an attorney. We were led into an unjust war through lies and fears. Dollars that should have been spent on feeding and educating our country's children have been stolen to buy guns and bombs. Military contracts were awarded to friends and cronies, leaving our young fighting men ill-equipped, poorly protected, and without clean drinking water. Those same soldiers, when shipped home broken, have been hastily pushed out of the military, to keep from paying their medical bills (and often disability). I am equally disappointed in the Democrats, who stood by and allowed it to happen. Who have not upheld their duty to defend the Constitution. Impeachment proceedings should have occurred long ago. I am disappointed in our citizenry, who have not become outraged and demanded things to stop. Who don't care if our personal freedoms are lost, because so far it is only happening to someone who's name they cannot pronounce. I am disappointed that more people are motivated to vote for American Idol, than for our elected officials. That, dear readers, is the greatest disappointment in my life.

You have the power to change things - VOTE.

~Does your owner require you to be mindful or focused in your service? How do you focus yourself?

He appreciates me being focused. It is not required per se, but He just has to tell me and I will focus on the task at hand. We are not 24/7, I am sure that makes things very different and easier to be focused. Though, I wish I had more opportunity to serve and please Him. I do feel His is the focus of my thoughts, most of the time, and my total focus when I am with Him.

*Questions are from Submissive Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts - Week of June 2

~Do you feel there is a learning curve in slavery? Do you feel you have to unlearn certain things that society has taught you?

As I am not a slave, I will answer this from a submissive stand point, though there may not be much of a difference. I do not view this as much as a learning curve as I do a re-education. As much as I try to resist succumbing to societal norms and pressures, I find that it is impossible to be totally immuned. As my submission deepens and He leads me farther into it, I am better able to eschew the limitations and mores that society embraces. The greater the gratification and the wholeness that I can achieve by submitting, the less reservations and hesitations seem to effect my reactions and behavior. While this seems to be a selfish way of dealing with it, I find that as my own needs are met through submission and surrender, the better integrated the different facets of my life become. This thread takes me back to my previous post, regarding how this whole process is reciprocative and interdependent on the give and take of both parties involved. Even as a slave or submissive, we really wouldn't do this if it did not meet any of our needs or desires.

While mainstream society does not understand or approve of BDSM relationships, all relationships involve some sort of power exchange. In order to function in society, we give up some of our rights and wants. We submit to the laws and policies of government, we submit to the authority of our boss, teacher, or parent, in order to maintain a semblance of harmony and public order, or at least the illusion of it. What we gain from our submission and surrender in a D/s or M/s relationship, is much more real and satisfying than what we gain by being obedient citizens. In a way, society trains us to submit, but only in a broader, more acceptable context. At the same time, society condemns our submission to another, though it is much more consensual and satisfying.


~“There’s only one thing greater than my fear- that is my love. My love will always conquer my fear- but it can’t do it immediately. It needs the full force of my love to do it and it takes days for that to emerge out of its dark hiding places.” -John Middleton Murry

This relates to another thread of discussion that I have been seeing on many blogs and sites. The question of "do you need to love someone in order to submit?" Let me replace the word love with trust. While in non-consensual situations, people submit from fear and not trust, in consensual D/s and M/s relationships, trust is necessary for submission to be complete. That trust, and the emotional connection that comes of it, can certainly develop into love, but the trust must be established. Conversely, it is possible to love someone without the trust that is necessary to submit. It is trust that will overcome and banish any fears or doubts that impede submission.


~What do you consider ’slutty’ behavior? Are you encouraged to act slutty? How does slutty behavior (either by yourself or others) make you feel?

Slutty behavior is a bit of a double edged sword. On one hand, it implies the word slut, which by definition is:
slut
1402, "a dirty, slovenly, or untidy woman," probably cognate with dialectal Ger. Schlutt "slovenly woman," dialectal Swed. slata "idle woman, slut," and Du. slodder "slut," but the ultimate origin is doubtful. Chaucer uses sluttish (c.1386) in ref. to the appearance of an untidy man. Also "a kitchen maid, a drudge." Meaning "woman of loose character, bold hussy" is attested from c.1450; playful use of the word, without implication of loose morals, is attested from 1664. ("Our little girl Susan is a most admirable slut, and pleases us mightily." [Pepys, diary, Feb. 21, 1664])
Sometimes used 19c. as a euphemism for bitch to describe a female dog. There is a group of North Sea Gmc. words in sl- that mean "sloppy," and also "slovenly woman," and that tend to evolve toward "woman of loose morals."
Online Etymology Dictionary, © 2001 Douglas Harper

While this definition acknowledges a playful sense of the word, it is overall, quite derogatory. I am His slut, but I am not anyone's slut. I do not consider myself to be promiscuous, I engage in many types of sexual behavior with Him, that I would never consent to with anyone else. I am normally quite conservative in my manner and my dress. For Him though, I want to be willing to demonstrate my submissiveness, even if that extends to acting or dressing provocatively. In that context, I define 'slutty' behavior as being openly sexual and willingly obedient.

He does encourage this type of slutty behavior, He enjoys His control, especially when pushing my 'comfort zone.' He also likes to demonstrate and show off His possession of me. This encouragement is contingent on the situation and setting we are in. He would not encourage it in a situation where it was completely inappropriate or offensive, nor is it brazenly encouraged, as in complete exposure in a crowded bar. What He does encourage is my blatant sensuality, including discreet sexual acts (including climaxes) in public, adult settings.

My reactions and feelings from this vary. It challenges my modesty and the risk of exposure and discovery can and do result in embarrassment. It also results in an extreme feeling of submissiveness and being controlled. Despite the embarrassment and reluctance that I may experience, it also leaves me incredibly turned on and horny. When He tests my limits in this way, I am left with a deeper desire to surrender to Him and a sharpened focus on Him and His desires.

~How does your body image impact your sexual identity?

I believe that our body images have very little to do with our actual appearances. Anorexic women believe they are fat, regardless of how emaciated they become. Our body image is shaped by our own comfort level with ourselves. Many beautiful and perfectly proportioned women do not feel comfortable or confident in their own skin. This is reflected in society's obsession with achieving perfection through beauty treatments and plastic surgery.

My own appearance is far from perfect. Yet, I am comfortable with the way I look and am comfortable in my own sexuality. As much as I would like to say that looks do not matter, they do. There are certainly things I would like to improve on myself, and those things probably impact my confidence as well. Though, I honestly find the sexiest people to be those that are confident and sensual, regardless of their body type. It is more of an attitude that they embrace. Of course, intelligence and humor are absolutely required for me to be attracted to someone. My own attitude is that I feel attractive and sensual, my appearance does not hinder my sexual enjoyment or my sexual identity. I think that my sexuality has been enhanced and shaped more by my submissiveness than by my body image. It is a mindset and a willingness that allows me to project confidence and self-assurance.

Link back to Journal Prompts.

Submissive Journal Prompts

Though I was familiar with the Submissive Journal Prompts, I never used them. I have enjoyed reading Shannee's responses though, so I thought I would try them.

~Where did you get the name you use online or in the scene? What is its meaning?
I have several names I use online. In this blog I write under the name of Alice. Obviously, from my blog title, this comes from Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. I have always loved this book and find much meaning and symbolism in it. When I began this blog, I felt that I was in the midst of a great adventure (I still am). I also knew that not everything was what it seemed to be, that my own Wonderland was my own alternate reality. Little did I know how true that was. It just gets curiouser and curiouser.

My last blog was written under the name of Lola. That was a nickname from high school. I don't really remember who gave it to me or why. That summer I worked as a counselor at a summer camp. We were each supposed to choose a nickname or pseudonym to go by, so I was Lola all summer. What Lola wants, Lola gets.

I am His pet. I love when He calls me pet, I feel very loved and cared for. It is endearing and sweet. I do not find this name degrading in the least, probably due to my relationship with my pets. My dogs are part of my family, they are loved and valued by me. I do not view my animals as being property or less worthy, I love them as much as some people. The pet dynamic for us, is most likely similar to Daddy/ little girl dynamic for others. Though I find the Daddy/little girl thing to be intriguing, it just doesn't work for me.

~When are you most aware of being owned/submissive?
Lately, I am aware of it all the time. It colors my thoughts and outlook on so many things. When we are together, I can feel His presence surrounding me, like a heady scent. It fills my senses and it clings to me, His presence/essence causes my submission to deepen. Even just the sound of His voice sends me to a deeper submissive state. My strongest feelings of submission come when I suck His cock. I love to do this, it is extremely pleasurable and sensuous for me. It also makes me acknowledge my place, my roll with Him, I feel very womanly at this time.

~What seven words would you use to describe yourself?
This is difficult for me to limit it to seven words, but here goes:
Seeker, Student, Mother/Grandmother, Teacher, Pet, Sensual, Strong

Since I feel that only seven words limit who I am, I will add a few.
Literary-as I love to read and to write.
Keeper-of memories, of stories, of heirlooms, of animals (my four legged children), of things (I am quite a pack rat).
Expressive-I love creating things: quilts, clothes, art, poems, prose, food.

~When you are near the end of your life, reflecting back over the years you have lived, the choices that you have made.. what would you like to remember?
I would like to know that I have lived and loved to the fullest of my ability. I want the people of importance in my life to know how deeply I love them. Beyond that, there are two sentiments that encompass my personal philosophy. The first is part of the Hippocratic Oath, or at least a paraphrase of it: Do no harm. The second is a quote from Horace Mann; Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity. I want to look back and know that rather than just complain about the injustices and inequality present in the world, I did something (no matter how small) to correct it. I want that legacy to live on through what I have taught and modeled to my children and grandchildren. Pretty lofty, huh?

~Do you enjoy deprivation of certain things you once took for granted?
I know that this was meant in the context of my submission, but that is not how I thought about it. Mostly due to financial hardships, beyond my control, my life has become simplified. I presently do not have a car, nor do I have extra money for much of anything. I could be all depressed and resentful about this (and sometimes I am) or I can recognize that I still have way more than most people globally. I am rich beyond belief, in the context of considering true poverty.

I like that I have had to adopt a more green lifestyle and that I have developed empathy for the plight of those with less than me. I like that my children have seen that there are many things that are in no way necessities. I have lived without air conditioning, a television, and transportation (save my own two feet and the goodwill of friends). I have still tried to share the resources that I do have. In our society, I am deprived, I am poor, but I feel rich. It is not the material things, or even the monetary things, that I took for granted, but it was my independence. I am now dependent on others for certain things, not needy dependent, but gratefully dependent. I enjoy the change it has made in me.

~If it occurs within your dynamic:
Do you find it to be annoying/frustrating?
Do you find that it is just one way amongst many to remind you of your status?
This is not really part of our dynamic. He has imposed orgasm restrictions before, but I did not feel deprived. It only served to heighten my desire and ultimate climaxes. Frustrating? Temporarily. Annoying? Not at all. I do love His control over me, if He chose to restrict me or deprive me of certain things, I would acquiesce. It probably would remind me of my submission. Of course, everything reminds me of my submission.