Control

Finding and re-reading parts of my earlier blog have made me think a lot about our journey of the past seventeen months. In the beginning, I didn't know what to expect. For that matter, I still don't, each passing day brings surprises of new desires. What I didn't expect was the level of comfort our relationship gives me. Comfort with Him and comfort in my role of submission. It is about His control. I need it, I crave it and I love it. I am still constantly amazed at the control He has over me. Not just the mental, as in, I would do anything He asks of me, but the physical control that He has over my body. Both the conscious and unconscious response I have to Him.

In my past relationships, I always held tightly onto control. Not the control of the relationships, but the control of myself. Thinking about releasing that control, left me with the fear of spinning out of control. That of course is the difference. I am not, now, out of control, I am in His control. I am still safe, I feel very secure and I am quite comfortable being in His control. In fact, anymore, I live for that control. I am not talking about slavery or micro-management, I know that both of those things can define a dynamic, just not ours. My entire being responds to Him, regardless if I am reading His words, hearing His voice or He is here in person. I love the feeling of His control over me. I love being immersed in His power, I love letting go to Him.

His control is a force which envelops me. A suggestion or directive elicits an immediate physical response from my body. Even when He is not here, I can feel His presence, His hands on me. I am mentally bound by Him and to Him. I am His possession, that is my choice. Yet it is beyond a simple act of choosing, it is a compulsion. That component, my surrender to Him, is a part of me, it is ingrained in me. It has been easy to slip into this role and it is impossible to just relinquish it. I need Him, I do not want to take the control back, nor could I ever give it to someone else. I belong to Him and even if He should ever walk away, I would still belong to Him.

You consume me

It has been a little over a year that we have been playing together. Yet that is such a poor way to phrase it, as what we do is so much more than play. I am not sure what my expectations were a year ago, I knew I had found someone that gave me an outlet to explore my submission. I knew I trusted Him and felt safe with Him. I did not know that I would become devoted to Him, nor did I expect to be so spiritually fulfilled by our relationship. He has allowed me to connect so deeply with Him and so deeply within myself. I am more whole and complete than I have ever been.

My trust and submission grow more everyday. Even when we are apart, I can feel His presence inside of me. I have given myself to Him, He has the control, but with that He has offered me healing and protection. Each time He takes me just a bit farther and each time I face an internal struggle. The result of each struggle has been surrendering more to Him each time. I have no regrets, He has given me nothing but joy and satisfaction. I have never been so content or fulfilled. I strive to give everything to Him and by doing so I find I have more and more to give. I also find that the more I surrender, the more control I give to Him, the freer I become.

I anticipate the next year together, knowing that I will give Him more than I have this past year, knowing that He will take me farther than this past year. As I become more open, willing and transparent to Him, I sometimes wonder where our evolution and growth will lead us.

I am His, I have offered myself to Him. He has accepted me, He has taken me. I am consumed by His essence.