Thoughts of Him

Thoughts of Him fill me. They cause my soul to expand, my spirit to soar and my cunt to leak. I am enmeshed by Him, I am permeated by His essence. I cannot escape Him, nor do I want to. The distance is breached by my mental captivity and punctuated by notes and conversations. In one way or another, He is always with me.

My mind feels His constant embrace, His control and consideration influences all that I do. His voice echoes inside of me, guiding me, calming me, affirming me. My skin tingles and quivers with phantom touches of His hands. Remembrances of His caresses and pinches, exhilerate and flush me. Touches that arouse me, mold me, direct me to an outcome. Strong, sure touches of Him handling His property, managing me. Weilding His dominance to ply me and shape me.

He has developed that longing inside me. I hunger to taste Him. I ache for His hands on me, probing me, igniting the fire inside of me. I covet His pinches and slaps that inflame me and awaken me. He has conquered me. I am His; His pet, His slut, His lover, His servant. He has subdued me and bridled me. He holds me in check, yet He can still release the violent and wild streak within. He holds mastery over me. He does all of this, with my thoughts of Him.

Regaining our balance and losing myself

I am finally recovering from my illness and my higher dose of medication seems to be kicking in. I am beginning to feel like myself again. J was here on Tuesday, it was just what we both desperately needed, at least I know that I was feeling rather desperate for Him. We both were quite exhausted and not completely healthy. However, the intensity was greater than I have ever experienced with Him.


Of course, in my mind, I had thoughts of making the evening perfect. Feeling frazzled and the events of the day seem to curtail that. I had hoped to be ready and waiting for Him, with dinner on the table when He arrived. That didn't happen. What I discovered was that a perfect evening did not depend on my being perfectly dressed and made-up, nor having the house spotless and dinner on the table. It just entailed us being together. I find that my desires and fantasies are limited (in part) by my experiences. I have been desiring intensity, in the form of pain play. I am not even sure that I was physically up to what I had been fantasizing about. I certainly received intensity, but of a different variety. His knowledge of my body and my reactions surprise me each time we are together. The climaxes and feelings of pleasure that He can evoke from me, as well as the sensations that I have never before experienced, truly boggle my mind.


When He arrived, I clung to Him. I never wanted to let go, He felt like a lifeline to me. His physical presence made everything perfect. Everything else faded from my mind; all of the distractions, the things I did not get done, not feeling well, all became unimportant and my focus was entirely on Him. He has become my center, my place of calm and peacefulness. My greatest joy and desire is to serve Him and to belong to Him. I prepared dinner, which we shared, along with some wine. I sat at His feet, I touched Him and tasted Him. Quenching my desire and my need for Him. We engaged in some spanking and some impact play. Then He began touching me, tasting me, biting me. He demanded my climaxes, quickly, deeply, incessantly. It was so intense and fast, it drove me deep within myself. He had completely control over me, I was surrendered to Him, He consumed me. I was swept up in the waves, pulled out to sea. He spoke to me, asked me things, I heard and my mind tried to respond, but my voice was gone. It was primal, animalistic. He penetrated my body and my mind, I was bound and gagged by His dominance. He pushed me past the point of too much, past my limits, to a place of intensity I did not think was possible. I could not answer with words, only with gutteral responses, screams and moans, while I stared, from deep inside myself, out the windows of my eyes. It was completely sexual, I was a feral being. My mind was fighting to comprehend and regain control, my body was disconnected, only responding, wildly, to Him. Every touch and sensation pushed me deeper. His light caresses on the small of my back, His mouth on my inner arm, everything evoked a sexual response. I could not claw my way to the surface, He trapped me in a vortex of climaxes. He broke me open, I was exposed as He ripped orgasms out of me. I was overtaken and consumed, He fed off of me. It was violent, it was exactly where I needed to be. I am His.

Love, Trust and Submission

Greenwoman recently wrote a post on this topic.

Do you think that subs confuse submission with love? Is it possible to need to submit because love is there? Is it possible to love someone because they submit?

Do you think Doms confuse Dominance with love? Is it possible to need to be dominant because love is there? Is it possible to love someone because you control them?

From The Thinking Dominant.

Her thoughts on this were excellent, if you haven't read her post, you should go and do that now. I went back several times and started to comment, but I decided that my feelings on this, and the length and personal nature of what I had to say, warranted writing a post of my own. I also found myself waffling on my own answer, I think that a lot depends on the definition that you give to dominance and submission. When I first began to explore all of this, I thought that my giving in to someone was the same as submitting. I didn't see much difference between bottoming and submission. I didn't see love as a necessary component at all. As long as trust and communication were there, it was all good and doable. That was before I entered into a true power exchange.

Looking back, it was a chicken or the egg situation. The more I trusted J and the more I communicated with Him, the more intimacy we shared. I am not really even sure when I began loving Him, one day, I just knew I did. Whether my love enabled me to submit more deeply, or the intimacy created by my submission allowed me to love Him, I'm not sure. It all just evolved. It continues to evolve. Each day, I love Him more. Each day, I strive to surrender to Him more. I do remember worrying. I was afraid that my love might not be returned. I was afraid that it would be perceived as being needy or demanding. I had worked very hard at keeping certain boundaries in place and loving Him was crossing the line (in my mind). I was wrong. I was using my past relationships and experiences as the precedent, as my guideline. In my past, any love I received was bound by conditions and stipulations. It was fraught with expectations and dependent on the situation. I remember being told; "If you do not fill in the blank, I will not love you anymore." Things are very different with J, I am loved and I know I am loved. I do not have to be perfect, I only have to be me.

I know that all of what I have written above, does not answer the questions at hand. It does give my perspective, where I am coming from.

To answer the questions, I think that we have to remember that D/s relationships are still relationships. The power exchange can complicate things, but underneath it all, it is a connection between two people. Yes, I think that subs can confuse submission with love. Just as some women can confuse being sexually intimate with love, submitting is an act of intimacy, it can be confusing. Intimacy and love are different, you can be intimate without being in love. I am not so sure that you can be in love without sharing some form of intimacy. Intimacy is a deeply personal connection, it is not the same as sex or love, but I think that it greatly improves both of them.

I do not think that love creates a need to submit. I think that the propensity for submission is either there or it isn't. It is not something love can create. I will concede that someone might need to be in love to be able to submit, but I think that the inclination must already be present. Love and submission are two different things and are not necessarily tied into each other. I don't believe it is possible to love someone just because they submit. I think that there must be more of a basis for love to be sustained. Submission can be a part of that, but it cannot be the whole.

I don't really feel qualified to answer the questions from the Dominant's perspective. Though I do think that the same principles apply. Dominance and control are not enough to sustain love. If that is the only reason you love someone, then it is probably not love.

Love has many facets, it encompasses a wide range of actions and emotions. I cannot speak for men, but for women, I think it can be easy to confuse other feelings with love. I may draw a lot of fire or criticism for what I am about to say, but it always concerns me when I read of submissive women pledging their love and surrender to someone they have never met in person. Especially, when their online interaction has only been going on for a few months. Our imaginations and our minds can be powerful. Our fantasies can seem very real, but I can tell you from experience, that fantasy and reality are very different. Submitting or being spanked or whipped can be completely different when experienced in person.

In my own experiences, reality, with J, has been wonderful, more intense, more intimate, but that may not always be the case. I have been in other relationships where reality simply failed the test. What had existed in my mind, what I had fantasized about, did not occur. Maybe the trust was not there, maybe there wasn't enough communication, maybe my submission was lacking, whatever the reason, the experience did not live up to my fantasies. With J, my experiences have always surpassed the fantasies. He has freed me, He releases me, I continually want to give Him more. He pushes me, He has taken me past all of my limits, He stretches my submission, He demands answers to hard questions. Yet, He is gentle with my psyche, I know I am safe and cared for. His dominance offers me the strength and the security that I need.

Delurking on my own blog

I am still around and I am well. I have been reading all of the other blogs that I read, but I haven't been commenting much nor have I been posting here. I am not sure why, other than my mind has been a swirl of thoughts and I can't get them to stop swirling long enough to put them down in a coherent manner. Perhaps it is the winter cold, or my mental forays into my past and thinking about how that ties into my present. Maybe it is just my post-holiday tiredness. Although I have thought about many topics, my mind wanders off before I can make a point or draw a conclusion. I have been organized and ordered enough to go to work, then come home to cook and clean, take care of doggies and occasionally grandchildren. There just hasn't been much leftover when it comes to writing, as Austin Powers would say, "I've lost my mojo, baby." So, in an attempt to get back in the groove (so to speak), I am going to write about my beginnings with J.

In the spring of 2007, I caved in to the pressure of some of my friends and co-workers and I put up a page on a social networking site (Yes, it was My Space). I wasn't into the whole adding friends and leaving comments sort of thing, but I did start blogging there. Most of what I wrote had a political slant with a little social commentary mixed in. Everything I wrote had a chip on my shoulder kind of air to it, but in spite of that, I began getting messages from other people. Given the statistical odds, about half of those people were men. And given the nature of that site, more than half of those men were looking for women.

At that point in my life, I had been single, dateless and celibate for a long time. There was a reason for that, my past relationships (especially my last marriage) had left me not only with a bad taste in my mouth, but a damaged psyche as well. It made me fiercely independent, cynical and solitary. As much as the men I heard from did not interest me, I realized that maybe meeting someone, for a casual type of relationship, did interest me. That summer, I put a profile on a (vanilla) dating site. On my profile, I confirmed that I was not looking for a particularly serious relationship, that I was very independent and I also included a minuscule reference to possible kinkiness. Again, I was not very intrigued by the men that messaged me.

It was in browsing through profiles that I came across J. His profile was brief, but well-written. It reflected similar (vanilla) interests and a location that was not too close (though not too far). I sent Him a short message expressing interest and requesting a little more information. His reply is what captured me (literally). He responded specifically to things I had written in my profile. He was clearly intelligent, funny, disarmingly honest and He brought up His interest in D/s and spanking. Though I was a bit surprised (and taken aback) by his candidness, I was also very intrigued and drawn to Him. We began corresponding online and talking on the phone, within a couple of exchanges I felt very submissive towards Him.

I had never encountered a man like Him. He was naturally dominant (whatever that is) and He seemed to have known me my entire life. It was as if He could read my mind, He just knew me. I never questioned my ability to trust Him, nor His ability to lead me. I felt cared for, safe and submissive. In less than two months, we met. Being with Him in person, only confirmed everything I had been feeling. That was a year and a half ago. In that time, I have only become more enamoured with Him, more trusting, more cared for, and very much in love. I have told Him things I have never told anyone. Things that I thought made me too needy, too high maintenance, too damaged. Nothing fazed Him, not my insecurities, my confessions, nor my past. He has exorcised my demons, He has healed me, He has made me His. Even the distance (that was originally my safety net), has not adversely affected us. I feel close to Him always, even when we are apart. He has become part of me, His presence is inside of me.

He has freed me, so He can possess me. He has healed me, so He can see me shed tears. He has strengthened me, so I can surrender to Him. The casual relationship that I was seeking has snared my soul. Surely, we have shared past lives, for He is my twin flame. For someone who has never believed in soulmates, I have had to rethink and temper my whole philosophy. In J, I have found what I never even knew existed.



Ain't No Other Man ~ Christina Aguilera

Myths and Fairytales

Holidays are a time of traditions and ritual, I have always held fast to that notion. When the boys were young and I was the primary (sometimes only) parent in their life, I tried very hard to give them a sense of family and belonging. I could not make up for an absent parent, but I could offer them security. Now they are adults and I play a lesser role in their lives. As they have gained independence, so have I. At times I have felt pangs of guilt due to not keeping up all the traditions and rituals. I have also realized that they need to develop their own sense of tradition.

Knowing my past and my family history (even prior to my existence) has given me a sense of connectedness and belonging. As a child, I loved stories about my parents, grandparents and ancestors. I wanted to know the whole story, where we came from and who we were. Often those stories contained gaps, either things not remembered or things not told. And even more of those stories were a bit fictionalized, my father glossed over and trivialized the painful and difficult times. My mother didn't want to recount the struggles (or maybe didn't want to remember them). That left my imagination to fill in the gaps, to create my own version of what might have been.

I have always read, a lot. I have also had a love of movies. Certain books and movies stirred and fueled my imagination. When my mother talked of being poor and living during the Depression, I filled in the details from A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. I didn't confuse fiction with reality, but it gave me a sense of how things were. When my father talked of growing up in Minnesota on a farm, it brought to mind Walnut Grove of the Little House series. To a greater degree, I yearned for more exotic. I wondered about our European roots, what life had been like in the Old Country. That was where accuracy came to matter less. It was the tradition that I craved. When I first saw Fiddler on the Roof, I wondered if there were any Russian Jews in our ancestry. (No there were not, but that didn't stop me from thinking.) I wondered what it would have been like to have lived with that sense of ritual. No matter that we weren't Jewish, or that the story was fictionalized and turned into a musical, I was sure that somewhere in history we shared a similarity.

Of course, when I saw Gone With the Wind, I wanted our history to be peppered with plantations and southern belles. Though, I think that I really just wanted to have Rhett Butler carry me up the stairs to the bedroom. I had a need to be dominated, even then. I identified much more with feisty Scarlett, than gracious Melanie.



Sometimes, we can be mired in our history and our tradition. Sometimes, we forget why we do the things we do. As Tevya says; "Because of our traditons, we've kept our balance for many, many years. We have traditions for everything. How to sleep. How to eat. How to work. How to wear clothes. For instance, we always keep our heads covered and always wear a little prayer shawl. This shows our constant devotion to God. You may ask, how did this tradtion get started? I'll tell you. I don't know. But it's a tradtition, and because of our traditions, everyone of us knows who he is and what God expects him to do."



Over the years, I have gone from blindly following traditions and beliefs, to questioning it all. That hasn't always led me to abandon my traditions and beliefs, sometimes it has confirmed to me the reasons for it all. Other times, it has showed me the error of things, the perpetuation of the baseless myths. I have evolved, as have my children (hopefully), by defining and refining what I believe and what I do. There are things I have let go of and there are things I have embraced.

Before you all ask, where is the kink and the sex in this? Bear with me, I am getting there. All of those rituals and beliefs have given me a sense of belonging, it became my identity. It kept me balanced. Much like what my submission does now. That submission, our relationship, has not taken the place of those rituals and beliefs, but it has enhanced them. My submission to J gives me a sense of identity. It is a part of me, just as important as all of those other parts of me. From it, I derive a feeling of belonging, a sense of security. We have developed our own ritual, we have achieved our own balance. My role, my service to Him keeps me grounded, it's what I do. My relationship to J, has also helped me see my relationship in the Universe.

Okay, so there really isn't any kink and sex in this one. Just some rambling thoughts pulled from my mind that is clouded by holiday excess. If you've read this far, Bless you! I warn you though, the rest is really off on a tangent. I think I have been away from school for way too long. I need to win the lottery, or rob a bank, and get my ass back in a classroom. At this point, that is the only way I will do it, because, since I have been paying my son's tuition, there is nothing left over for mine. So indulge me and either quit reading now, or accept the fact that my sex blog post has turned into a really bad, school paper. But this is the route that my thoughts took me. You know that you can't get a direct, non-stop flight anywhere anymore. Think of this as your lay-over in Chicago (and know that you might be snowed in).

I doubt that many of you are familiar with Urie Bronfenbrenner's model of child development and human ecology. Forgive me as I digress, but this is how I have visualized this in my mind.

He sees each individual as a series of ever widening, concentric circles. In the center is the individual's biological nature, our DNA, genetics, our race, our nationality, and so on. The next circle is our immediate environment, our immediate family, our home, possessions, friends, peers. Surrounding that is our social and economic context, school, work, community, economic circumstance. The outer circle is the cultural context, including cultural and societal influences. These spheres of influence interact from both directions, all of the circles influencing the individual and the individual influencing the surrounding spheres. Bronfenbrenner later renamed the circles with the terms: microsystem, mesosystem, exosystem and macrosystem, as he expanded his theory to human ecology, including adults as well as children.

The circles closest to the individual have the most influence. J has as much influence in my immediate environment as anything else around me. He has influenced my development of late, I have also, in some ways, influenced Him. That is where my relationship to the Universe comes into play. My influence ripples outward to everything around me, just as it all imposes influence upon me. My relationship with J has changed me, it has changed my outward influence and my my reaction to outward influences. We are but a small speck in the big picture, but together our significance increases. What we are and what we do has increased my significance and my value.

Hopeful

Although it has been a long time for us, I had come to expect to have to wait even longer. Often, previous responsibilities, time constraints, and circumstances take precedence over our desires. I certainly would like to be with Him more, but these periods of separation are the nature of the beast. My love, my yearnings and my submission are all exclusively His. Waiting patiently for Him, in between our scheduled liaisons, is what I do. Each encounter rewards me and confirms that He is worth the wait. Now, my hopefulness abounds with the possibility that we will be together in the next couple of weeks.

I have been wanting and asking for intensity, severity and pain. I want my limits pushed, my submission tested. I need to be consumed and overwhelmed by Him. I have no doubt that He will happily and eagerly fulfill my desires. I am awaiting it with breathless anticipation and a bit of anxiety. I am not afraid, I have no fear with Him. I am safe with Him, my trust is complete, as is my submission to Him. Only with Him, can I let myself go and give into my desires. He accepts me, both as an individual and as His possession. I am hopeful that I will begin the New Year, surrendered, marked and owned by Him.

Calming effect

I have mentioned before the calming and grounding effect that J has on me. He does not have to even be present, I have so integrated Him into my psyche that I feel His nearness and His influence at all times. I only need to focus myself on Him and it is as if He is standing next to me, holding me. For me, our connection is very spiritual and intimate. I am amazed by the power and influence that He has in my life. It humbles me and it makes me grateful for Him.

I recently came across this video and realized it was the perfect demonstration of what He does to me. In fact, there are times when I can actually feel His presence spreading over me, smoothing out the ripples in my life.



Now, if I could only get a spanking...

Durability

Life has been a struggle lately, this past week took a lot out of me. I have not been very happy with the way that I have dealt with things. Some of my niceness and my empathy has gone out the window. I am tired of being strong and taking care of things. Mostly, I am just tired. However, in the midst of my depressive mood and my disjointed emotions, J has been my constant. His presence in my life and my mind has kept me focused and sane. As my own strength and resolve have dwindled, He has held me firmly and resolutely in His arms.

He has an abiding and permanent place in my mind and my life. He occupies a substantial part of my mind and my thoughts. His enduring presence within me was impervious to the onslaught of doubts and fears that were trying to push their way in. His protection and caring for me extend beyond the physical realm into the psychological. His influence is complete and pervasive.

I belong to Him. That is a truth that is fixed and immutable. It is true because I have given myself to Him and He has defined me. His control is not repressive, it is reassuring and restorative. My submission does not diminish me, it evolves me and actualizes me. He has earned and cultivated the trust that I feel for Him. His investment in me has deepened and intensified my desire for His dominance. The connection and understanding that has developed between us has produced a balance and equality in our relationship. The greater my surrender, the higher He elevates me.

Let's talk about sex

I am desiring it. I have been thinking about it quite a bit. I actually have been thinking about Him. I stated in my last post, that I was celibate for a long time. That is true. Last year, when I met J, He was the first man I had engaged in any type of sex act with in many years (around thirteen, maybe more). Now, I cannot get enough of Him. He is very skillful at giving me pleasure. He can bring me to a climax quickly and expertly. He is the sexiest man I have ever met.

I lust for Him, all the time. Perhaps, that is not very submissive of me, I don't really know. I do know that I love to serve Him. I love to give Him pleasure. I love sucking His cock, giving Him a massage, licking Him all over. I love receiving spankings from Him, or canings, or floggings. All of that turns me on and makes me want Him more. I also love His hands exploring me, I love His mouth on me, and I love His cock. Seeing Him, talking to Him, just thinking about Him makes my cunt drip with desire.

He called me today and directed me to an orgasm over the phone. He told me what He would do to me and what I should do to myself. Prior to my relationship with J, I could bring myself to a climax better than anyone else. I have had some wonderful lovers, but I knew exactly where to touch myself, I knew how hard and how long. I enjoyed sex, whether it was making love or fucking, but for a pure, hard, mindblowing climax, I could do it better myself. That is no longer true. He knows my body, He knows what I need, He makes me cum better than anyone ever has (including myself). He is in control of me, I need His control. It is as much psychological as physical, I need Him in order to cum. Not necessarily His physical presence, but His presence inside of me. When He is physically with me, it is the best. I long for Him, I am electrified, I am His whore. He fills my fantasies, I only want Him. I crave His touch, His mouth, His cock, His seed. I crave serving Him. I need to submit, to surrender, to give myself to Him completely. He gives me everything that I need.

the topic of rape

Recently Pygar wrote a post about rape. His posts usually receive many comments from women, but when I read this particular post, only David had replied. I debated about commenting, as this is a very difficult subject for me, but I wanted to present a woman's view. Especially a view from a submissive woman who has experienced rape. I wondered if other women had refrained from commenting due to shame or embarrassment from having been raped.

I believe that every woman who has been raped, has her own reaction and I certainly was not trying to make any blanket statement. I only wanted to express my own feelings and reaction. I do not know Pygar or David personally, but I read both of their blogs and I respect them as experienced and caring Dominants. I did not take offense to anything that either of them wrote, but I did want to share my own experience and my own feelings. My own experience was different from many, I am sure that some people would not even view my experience as rape, since it was my husband that raped me. Until this past year, I had not told anyone what had happened to me, nor had I dealt with my own hurt in a positive manner. I have written about my experience previously, but I am now prompted to expand on it.

Looking back, I realize that I became involved with my ex-husband due to my submissive tendencies and my propensity for BDSM. I did not know anything about the lifestyle, I had only experimented a little, with some kink in the past. I ignored many warning signs, partly because of my lack of experience and partly because of my own insecurities. I enjoyed many of the things that he introduced me to, I was turned on by his forcefulness and his control. I did not understand the dynamics of a power exchange. I also did not originally recognize the multitude of problems that he had, or the fact that he blamed much of them on women. I do know that safe, sane and consensual were never a part of what we shared. I also know that his intent was to harm me. He was not happy or sexually satisfied, until that harm occurred. Our relationship was not about BDSM, it was about abuse. Rape is abuse.

The fact that things began as consensual and exciting, does not negate the fact that it wound up as non-consensual, dangerous and damaging. I was not free to stop it, I was not free to set limits, and I was not free to leave. I do believe that I was lucky to get out alive. Since originally sharing my story (in a limited way), I have been told that I might have just over-reacted to rough sex that went too far. Rape is not rough sex that went too far, it is an act of violence, and for me it happened more than once. It is the act of inflicting physical and emotional harm on a person. I am lucky. I am lucky to have been able to get out, I am lucky to have been able to rebuild my life, I am lucky to have found someone who has helped me heal. It may seem very strange that, after my experience, I am still interested and able to engage in a D/s relationship. To me, it is not strange at all, it has allowed me to be in control. I choose to submit, I choose to trust, I choose to serve. Nothing has been taken from me, I have given it freely and willingly.

Not all D/s relationships are the same, some dominants are much more demanding and forceful. Some submissives like rape role-playing, but the common thread is consent. When there is no consent, it is not D/s, it is not M/s, it is not BDSM, it is abuse. I have read accounts of rape or abuse where women admit to sexual arousal, that did not occur in my case, nor does it make it okay. Our bodies are designed to react in a certain way to certain types of stimulation. Arousal does not signify consent, it only signifies that a physiological response has occurred. I think that it is this arousal that David was referring to in his comment, I do realize that he was not condoning rape in any way. I still have a hard time believing that rape has awakened any submissive feelings or desires in women, though I cannot speak for all women. I also know that since posting a profile on a BDSM site, I have received messages from men asking if I had a rape fantasy or if I wanted to be "raped." My response was to delete the message and block the sender. Those men scared me, I know that "rape fantasies" and role play is a kink that some people have (both men and women), but BDSM is based on trust. Men who open with that type of message, who do not try to build trust or initiate a conversation, let alone a relationship, seem to be looking for an excuse, or a "legal outlet" to commit rape. Especially, since my profile does not indicate that desire or fantasy.

The problem is not limited to BDSM, date rapes happen all the time. The key, in any relationship, is communication. If you haven't communicated enough to establish what each of you wants, you shouldn't be having sex. If communication and trust have been established, there should be no misunderstandings that may lead to rape. Whether you ascribe to SSC or RACK guidelines, open communication and discussions should protect both dominants and submissives. Dominants are just as vulnerable, they could lose their family, their career, and their freedom if they are accused of rape or abuse.

My current relationship has been my healing and recovery. I am understood, cared for, and protected. I trust Him in every way. I know He would never physically or mentally harm me. I can be honest with Him, in all matters, without fearing judgement or ridicule. I am valued and cherished. He does not take my submission for granted, but constantly strives to earn it. My desire to give everything to Him, is derived from my feeling that I can never give back to Him as much as He has already given to me. He is loving and affirming, He empowers me. He admires and appreciates my strength, for the stronger I am, the more I have to give. By freely giving to Him, the things that had been forcefully taken in the past, I have been restored.

You consume me

It has been a little over a year that we have been playing together. Yet that is such a poor way to phrase it, as what we do is so much more than play. I am not sure what my expectations were a year ago, I knew I had found someone that gave me an outlet to explore my submission. I knew I trusted Him and felt safe with Him. I did not know that I would become devoted to Him, nor did I expect to be so spiritually fulfilled by our relationship. He has allowed me to connect so deeply with Him and so deeply within myself. I am more whole and complete than I have ever been.

My trust and submission grow more everyday. Even when we are apart, I can feel His presence inside of me. I have given myself to Him, He has the control, but with that He has offered me healing and protection. Each time He takes me just a bit farther and each time I face an internal struggle. The result of each struggle has been surrendering more to Him each time. I have no regrets, He has given me nothing but joy and satisfaction. I have never been so content or fulfilled. I strive to give everything to Him and by doing so I find I have more and more to give. I also find that the more I surrender, the more control I give to Him, the freer I become.

I anticipate the next year together, knowing that I will give Him more than I have this past year, knowing that He will take me farther than this past year. As I become more open, willing and transparent to Him, I sometimes wonder where our evolution and growth will lead us.

I am His, I have offered myself to Him. He has accepted me, He has taken me. I am consumed by His essence.

The trip - part one

A few weeks ago, J had to drive eight hours on a business trip. If the timing had been different, I would have been in the seat next to Him providing distraction and amusement during an otherwise, long and boring trip. Instead, I stayed at home and experimented with some recipes. I made Chicken B'stilla (Moroccan chicken pie) using up what was left of a hand of ginger, as well as tons of other herbs and spices. I must say it smelled and tasted heavenly. Very spicy, savory, and rich, with a combination of sweetness and hotness, a bit of BDSM in a pie.

I enjoy cooking, I use recipes loosely. I like bumping up the flavor, if some spice is good, more is better. I love cutting, chopping, and mixing. However, my mind was far away, fantasizing about being His plaything and a different type of spiciness altogether.

He arrives to pick me up, asking if I was ready to go. I reply in the affirmative, but He tells me that He thinks I need a bit of last minute preparation for the ride. Bending me over the back of the couch, He raises my skirt revealing my ass cheeks bared by my thong. The height of the couch comes to the tops of my thighs. He pushes my shoulders all the way down, until my arms are resting on the couch cushions and my bottom is angled up in the air. Pushing His foot between my feet, He slides my feet apart, spreading my legs and exposing me completely. In this position, with my head down, I cannot see Him, but I feel the sting and hear the slap as He brings His hand hard across my ass. He is spanking me hard and fast, giving me five to ten strokes, then pausing to rub my reddened skin and dip His fingers down into my wet slit. As I begin to grind against His hand, He steps back and resumes the spanking. I lose track of how many strokes He has given me and my ass is on fire with the burn, He pauses again to rub my hot skin and even hotter cunt. His prolonged spanking has left me red and stinging and also wet and needy.

Still in position and unable to see, I hear His belt being unbuckled and slipping from its loops. Anticipating what is coming, I squirm a bit and feel my muscles unconsciously tense. I hear the belt cut through the air and feel it comtact my skin. I cry out and grip the cushions of the couch. The strokes of His belt continue until I am struggling not to pull away. Tears are running down my face and my cunt is dripping down my legs. When my ass is red, stinging and welted, He steps very close behind me, pulling me up, He leans me back against Him and wraps His arms around me from behind. He slides one hand down to my cunt and the other hand slips under my top to my breast. As His fingers close on my nipple and I am pushing hard on His other hand that is rubbing my clit, I feel His teeth close on the curve of my neck. I moan loudly and feel my climax well up inside me, but He tells me not to cum yet. I am shaking and panting as I fight to stop myself from riding the wave of the orgasm that He has begun in me. I am teetering on the edge and I am begging Him. I need His cock, I need Him to bend me back over and fuck me. I need to be filled up with His cock, I need to cum for Him. As I am pleading with Him, He pushes me back over the couch. I hear Him unzip His pants and feel His cock slide against my slit. I try to push back against Him, but He is teasing me. Pushing His cock just inside of me and then pulling back, ever in control. I am crying softly out of need and frustration, I want to scream and demand, but I won't, because I am His to play with in this way. His pet.

He steps back, away from me. He smiles at me and tells me that I am a greedy little slut. I look back at Him and see Him pull a small bag out of His pocket containing a plug carved from ginger. As He pushes the ginger plug into my anus, He promises that I will be able to cum soon. He tells me if the ginger gets too intense, I can remove it, but He thought it would make the trip much more enjoyable for both of us. Especially Him, and isn't that what I wanted? I quietly answer yes, as I kneel before Him and begin to clean my juices from His cock with my tongue. I feel the heat of the ginger spread from my ass to my cunt as I slide my lips all the way down His shaft.

Dependency

I have realized that a true D/s relationship creates a dependency. It fosters a psychological bond between two people. Of course, I can only speak of my own dependency, the need that has been created for me as a sub. I am still pondering if this is a good thing or a bad thing. The dependency, the need that I have, is not a clingy, demanding type of need. It is a component within me, a reliance, a loyalty, a trust. I feel Him within me, His control, His strength, His caring. I am still an independent being, I go through life, I fulfill my responsibilities, I make decisions. Yet, throughout all of that, I connect with His essence. I am aware of Him, I consult with Him (though often only in my mind). I am certainly capable of making decisions on my own, I have done it for years. However, I now consider Him, His input, His opinion. I feel I belong to Him, not in a property sort of way, but as a cherished possession. I am His pet, and being His pet has become part of my identity. He does not dictate to me what I can and cannot do, but He cares for me. It is His voice, His reasoning, that makes me stop and think what is best for me. I have not always done that, I have not always thought about my own well-being. Now, His voice within me tells me to be careful and take care of myself.

My need for Him extends beyond my consideration of self. It extends to my sexuality, my release. I am not sure how, or when, it happened, but my climaxes depend on Him. For Him, I can cum without any physical stimulation, just His voice, describing, coaxing, demanding. This aural stimulation and my resulting climax is different, it is spiritual and holistic. I am still left satisfied, wet, and throbbing, but it originates in my mind and moves to my cunt, rather than the other way around. Without Him, I cannot cum at all. My own touches, my own stimulation leaves me wanting and frustrated. My forays into the area of self-love have to end with His voice within me, telling me to cum now, or it just doesn't happen. At times, that tends to make me a submissive crack whore, jonesing for His drug.

I do sometimes worry about my dependency, I never want it to translate into a stifling need that He feels He must satisfy in me. I want my submission to Him to be a joyful diversion for Him, never a burden or affliction. I know that He takes His responsibility, as my dominant, very seriously. I trust Him completely, I defer to His decisions, but I never want to take advantage of Him. I want my presence in His life to be freeing, not suffocating. My needs and dependency are not meant to stake a claim, but to satisfy needs in both of us. I hope that He always finds my service and dedication pleasing and fulfilling.

Candy

For awhile now, we have discussed finding another woman to play with. At first it was just a nice fantasy to talk about, but it has become an increasing desire for me and we have begun to discuss the logistics. The process of looking, screening, and meeting is an intimidating idea to me. I know there are tons of personal sites, but I am not ready to advertise yet. I have begun to browse through ads though. I have looked at Craigslist a few times, but it is overwhelming. There are so many ads, most of them wanting to "hook-up" immediately, just one big meat market. Tonight, I was browsing and getting pretty disgusted. I was about to sign off when I looked at one more ad. It seemed to be open and honest, plus she was a bit older. I sent Him the link and responded to her. It should have raised a red flag in me when I got an immediate reply with a link to her "pics." I followed the link and found the link terminated for violating a TOS agreement. I am not sure if it had been spam or malware, but either way I felt a little foolish.

I know it was terribly naive of me not to consider the possibility of many of the ads being spam. I know that I will really have to be more careful and rethink the entire process. I do tend to be a worrier, my mind works overtime considering all the worst case scenarios. It is rather amazing that I not only found J, but agreed to meet Him. However, sending the message to her tonight (even if it was a stupid mistake on my part), was a first step. I realize that I have now taken action on my thoughts. I know that this is actually something I would be willing to do. No, something that I want to do. Originally, I wanted to do this for Him, but this fantasy has become more and more mine. I want this. It remains to be seen if it ever comes to pass. Any further action I take will be very careful and well though out. But this is one more limit I want to cross with Him.



PS. Candy, if you're out there send a message.

Breakable

Sometimes, I need Him to strike me, to crack me, to break me open. I need Him to flay away that outer shell and reveal what's hidden inside. To let me out, free me, release me.

Other times, I need Him to hold me and stroke me. To wrap Himself around me and hold me together. To keep me from shattering into a million pieces.

He always knows whether He needs to pull the pieces apart or hold them all together. He knows when I'm tough and He knows when I'm fragile.

Weighing the Risk

Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it. ~ The Duchess
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

I visited Shannee's blog today, it confirmed to me something I have been noticing. There has been a lot of pain and sadness among many of my favorite bloggers. I have been tempted to post on this before, but I was unsure what to write. I did not really want to go there. The more I read, however, the more I must comment. Pixiepie has been dealing with a debilitating and dangerous illness and now the loss of Richard. Oatmeal Girl is coming to terms with the loss of the Philosopher. I read of others' pain in searching for someone to give their submission to and continually being disappointed. I empathize with all of them, I sympathize, I know what it is to lose a relationship, to be hurt or betrayed by someone you love. It also makes me realize how blessed I am. It does not make me question my trust in Him, it makes me realize that you have to take it where you find it. Something special does not come along everyday, when it does, you have to take the risk. The more you give, the more you love, the greater the risk. The dynamic of a D/s relationship elevates that risk even more, but also makes it worth that risk.

For years, I would not take that risk, I did not find anyone who was worth that risk. I had been hurt, I was never going to be hurt again. But sometimes, it is worth the risk. Sometimes it is so special and so right, that the journey, the discovery, the sharing, is worth any pain that it might bring. I had a plan, my plan was to not become involved, certainly not to fall in love. The universe had a different plan. I met someone who has surely known me forever. Someone who knew me so deeply and intimately, that we had to have loved in a past life. I discovered that I had to submit to Him, and that I could not completely surrender without loving Him. By being the man that He is, He made me love Him.

Don't misunderstand me, my love does not come with strings attached. There are limitations between us, I accept those. There are limits on the time we can share, I accept that as well. What is not limited is my trust in Him and my honesty with Him. My love and desire for Him are also unlimited. I am His, for as long as He wants and needs me, I am His. I do not know when or if this will ever end. Should that occur, I will hurt, I will have lost part of myself, but I will have gained so much more than I could ever lose. And my love for Him will never be lost. He has resurrected a part of me that I thought was lost forever, He gave me back my ability to love. Loving Him has been easy and joyful. He is the most exceptional person that I have ever known. With all the pain and horror and treachery in the world, sometimes you just have to let go with abandon and embrace what is good in your life. I have many good things in my life, but He is certainly one of the best things in my life. I have no regrets, in fact I am eternally thankful for all that He is and all that He gives to me. I hope that I never give Him one moment's regret, I hope I am always a source of joy to Him.