Presents!

Yesterday afternoon a package arrived. It was my first Christmas present (not counting the gift exchange at work), and yes, it was from J. The first thing I noticed was the unusual gift tag...a picture of a hand of ginger, taped to the outside of the gift (and of course, the sentiment that read: May your life be warm and memorable). I guess I know what is in store for me.

Now, let me just take a minute here to say, I think He knows me better than anyone. I am not really a jewelry and perfume kind of girl. Not that those things aren't great, I would have been grateful for that too, but those aren't the things that blow my skirt up (so to speak). I am a bibliophile. I LOVE books. I especially love books about words, language, grammar, punctuation, and writing. One of my all time favorites is Eats, Shoots and Leaves by Lynne Truss. I just have a thing for language and the written word. So, as I unwrapped the gift (I know, it isn't Christmas yet), I was absolutely thrilled to find The New Well-Tempered Sentence and The Deluxe Transitive Vampire. For me, books are every bit as personal as lingerie would be.

It may sound strange, but this is the most perfect and the most romantic gift I have ever received. It shows me how well He knows me and it reflects the thought He put into it. See how easy I am to please? Just know me well enough to chose the perfect gift. I am assuming that He knew it was the perfect gift, but no matter really. Even if He wasn't sure, it is perfect and He bought it. I have to say that He is the most thoughtful man I have ever known. I am still smiling.

Though, the best gift will be when He is here next week (barring any work, home or meteorological disasters).

Control

Finding and re-reading parts of my earlier blog have made me think a lot about our journey of the past seventeen months. In the beginning, I didn't know what to expect. For that matter, I still don't, each passing day brings surprises of new desires. What I didn't expect was the level of comfort our relationship gives me. Comfort with Him and comfort in my role of submission. It is about His control. I need it, I crave it and I love it. I am still constantly amazed at the control He has over me. Not just the mental, as in, I would do anything He asks of me, but the physical control that He has over my body. Both the conscious and unconscious response I have to Him.

In my past relationships, I always held tightly onto control. Not the control of the relationships, but the control of myself. Thinking about releasing that control, left me with the fear of spinning out of control. That of course is the difference. I am not, now, out of control, I am in His control. I am still safe, I feel very secure and I am quite comfortable being in His control. In fact, anymore, I live for that control. I am not talking about slavery or micro-management, I know that both of those things can define a dynamic, just not ours. My entire being responds to Him, regardless if I am reading His words, hearing His voice or He is here in person. I love the feeling of His control over me. I love being immersed in His power, I love letting go to Him.

His control is a force which envelops me. A suggestion or directive elicits an immediate physical response from my body. Even when He is not here, I can feel His presence, His hands on me. I am mentally bound by Him and to Him. I am His possession, that is my choice. Yet it is beyond a simple act of choosing, it is a compulsion. That component, my surrender to Him, is a part of me, it is ingrained in me. It has been easy to slip into this role and it is impossible to just relinquish it. I need Him, I do not want to take the control back, nor could I ever give it to someone else. I belong to Him and even if He should ever walk away, I would still belong to Him.

Calming effect

I have mentioned before the calming and grounding effect that J has on me. He does not have to even be present, I have so integrated Him into my psyche that I feel His nearness and His influence at all times. I only need to focus myself on Him and it is as if He is standing next to me, holding me. For me, our connection is very spiritual and intimate. I am amazed by the power and influence that He has in my life. It humbles me and it makes me grateful for Him.

I recently came across this video and realized it was the perfect demonstration of what He does to me. In fact, there are times when I can actually feel His presence spreading over me, smoothing out the ripples in my life.



Now, if I could only get a spanking...

Uncertainty

"Not to be absolutely certain is, I think, one of the essential things in rationality."

"When one admits that nothing is certain one must, I think, also admit that some things are much more nearly certain than others."

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts."

~Bertrand Russell

I came to realize this week that uncertainty is just part of life. I also realized that I am much more certain of J, than I am of myself. For many years, I did not trust myself (nor anyone else), I had made some big mistakes in my life that had rocked my confidence. J has returned that trust to me. He has accompanied me on a journey of exploration and self-actualization. I once again trust my instincts and I also trust Him. So, the insight that I have gained, is that I will never figure it all out. I continue to think and reflect on my experiences and my thoughts, but I do not have to know all the whys and the wherefores. He has freed me to indulge in my examination and exploration of my thoughts and my fantasies. It becomes even more revealing to me, when He explores my mind. J is the only person that I have ever been able to be completely open with. In fact, I am compelled to be open and honest with Him. The insight He gains from that is never used to pressure me or judge me, only to know me and understand me. He is more accepting of me, than I am of myself. I have revealed my unacceptable thoughts and desires to Him and He is still here. He still loves me and wants me, even when I struggle to love myself.

My self-analysis and the judgements I have made based on that, have been largely unnecessary. While my reflections and my observations continue, I can step back and wait to see where all of this will take us. The favor and the love that He bestows upon me, allow me to continue to grow, trust and explore. I am not alone in this, He is my guide and my trailblazer. He scouts out the path ahead, making sure it is safe, before leading me down this uncharted path. The one thing I am certain of is that I will be fine.

metaphysical meditations

I am still trying to understand my desires and a new awareness that has overtaken me of late. I have been fairly quiet here, I have attempted several times to write, to journal through this in a post and failed. Yet my need to put this out there, to gain some insight, to figure it all out, is strong. I know that the roadblock is within myself, I am retraining my mind to think and to learn in a way that is alien to my Western indoctrination. So, forgive me if I ramble and repeat myself, for I am just going to write as my thoughts come to me.

My thoughts and my desires continue to swirl around me and I find myself grasping little pieces of understanding from this cloud of ideas. Much of this is confusing to me, these ideas, feelings and desires are emanating from within me, yet I cannot grasp the concept as a whole. Part of me remains too rooted in the past, too conditioned, to let go and fully experience this present. Though, I also realize that this is the key. I need to just be, to accept and experience what is occurring. I am not sure my actual desire is so much for the pain, as it is for what will result from the administration and experiencing pain. I crave being used and objectified, my goal is not to be oppressed, but to be freed. My physical self is an object, nothing more, perhaps the pain and the use that I desire for my physical self is really a means to free my spiritual self. This is certainly not a new concept. For centuries, in all manor of religions and spiritualities, people have used pain to achieve transcendence.

But it is more than the pain I am craving, it is the vulnerability, the surrender. I want to completely give myself to Him. I want to let go, I want to be emptied of my own will, I want to become a vessel that fulfills His desires. We have shared this before, this ultimate exchange that I need. In those moments, when I have been able to unconditionally yield all of myself to Him, I felt myself filled with His energy, as my own power drained out of me. I have this vague image of being sacrificed on His altar. I came across a quote from Socrates: "Every pleasure or pain has a sort of rivet with which it fastens the soul to the body and pins it down and makes it corporeal, accepting as true whatever the body certifies." I want to remove that rivet, I want to break free from the body and experience a different truth.

I suppose that part of my struggle has been with classifying my desires into good or bad. The baggage from my past teaches good versus evil. Maybe there is no good or evil, maybe it is all in the context or the intent. I have been taught that certain things are bad or taboo, but what if they are just things, just acts, no classification. If I remove the restrictions of those labels, does that make everything that could occur between us acceptable? I try not to pass judgement on others, if their actions do not produce harm to anyone else, so why should I impose judgement on myself? I do believe that, at times, guilt has a purpose and a place. That said, I need to figure out when guilt should be heeded and when guilt is simply a restrictive emotion. I certainly do not feel guilt over all that we do, I have found great joy and contentment in our relationship. It is those recent thoughts and yearnings that have caused me conflict. I sometimes feel I am being lured over to the dark side. I am not ready or willing to share all of my innermost thoughts here, just believe me when I say that some of them shock and even repel me. So it is this duality within me that I am trying to resolve.

I also must add that it is the closeness and the depth of trust in my relationship with J that has brought me to this point of self-exploration. He has revealed my needs and my nature to me. He has enabled me to be truthful with Him and with myself. He has encouraged me to embrace my desires and my sexuality. Previously, I would have repressed and ignored "unacceptable" thoughts and desires. I did not trust myself, or anyone else, enough to admit or discuss my needs or fantasies. He has changed all of that, He has transformed me into a more thoughtful, accepting and reflective individual. I have grown and evolved under His guidance. I recognize that my journey is not a solitary one. This conflict has not arisen from any coersion or influence on His part, it has developed out of my own desires. Though, my greatest desire is to overcome any guilt or limitations that may hinder our path.

Durability

Life has been a struggle lately, this past week took a lot out of me. I have not been very happy with the way that I have dealt with things. Some of my niceness and my empathy has gone out the window. I am tired of being strong and taking care of things. Mostly, I am just tired. However, in the midst of my depressive mood and my disjointed emotions, J has been my constant. His presence in my life and my mind has kept me focused and sane. As my own strength and resolve have dwindled, He has held me firmly and resolutely in His arms.

He has an abiding and permanent place in my mind and my life. He occupies a substantial part of my mind and my thoughts. His enduring presence within me was impervious to the onslaught of doubts and fears that were trying to push their way in. His protection and caring for me extend beyond the physical realm into the psychological. His influence is complete and pervasive.

I belong to Him. That is a truth that is fixed and immutable. It is true because I have given myself to Him and He has defined me. His control is not repressive, it is reassuring and restorative. My submission does not diminish me, it evolves me and actualizes me. He has earned and cultivated the trust that I feel for Him. His investment in me has deepened and intensified my desire for His dominance. The connection and understanding that has developed between us has produced a balance and equality in our relationship. The greater my surrender, the higher He elevates me.

Weighing the Risk

Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it. ~ The Duchess
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

I visited Shannee's blog today, it confirmed to me something I have been noticing. There has been a lot of pain and sadness among many of my favorite bloggers. I have been tempted to post on this before, but I was unsure what to write. I did not really want to go there. The more I read, however, the more I must comment. Pixiepie has been dealing with a debilitating and dangerous illness and now the loss of Richard. Oatmeal Girl is coming to terms with the loss of the Philosopher. I read of others' pain in searching for someone to give their submission to and continually being disappointed. I empathize with all of them, I sympathize, I know what it is to lose a relationship, to be hurt or betrayed by someone you love. It also makes me realize how blessed I am. It does not make me question my trust in Him, it makes me realize that you have to take it where you find it. Something special does not come along everyday, when it does, you have to take the risk. The more you give, the more you love, the greater the risk. The dynamic of a D/s relationship elevates that risk even more, but also makes it worth that risk.

For years, I would not take that risk, I did not find anyone who was worth that risk. I had been hurt, I was never going to be hurt again. But sometimes, it is worth the risk. Sometimes it is so special and so right, that the journey, the discovery, the sharing, is worth any pain that it might bring. I had a plan, my plan was to not become involved, certainly not to fall in love. The universe had a different plan. I met someone who has surely known me forever. Someone who knew me so deeply and intimately, that we had to have loved in a past life. I discovered that I had to submit to Him, and that I could not completely surrender without loving Him. By being the man that He is, He made me love Him.

Don't misunderstand me, my love does not come with strings attached. There are limitations between us, I accept those. There are limits on the time we can share, I accept that as well. What is not limited is my trust in Him and my honesty with Him. My love and desire for Him are also unlimited. I am His, for as long as He wants and needs me, I am His. I do not know when or if this will ever end. Should that occur, I will hurt, I will have lost part of myself, but I will have gained so much more than I could ever lose. And my love for Him will never be lost. He has resurrected a part of me that I thought was lost forever, He gave me back my ability to love. Loving Him has been easy and joyful. He is the most exceptional person that I have ever known. With all the pain and horror and treachery in the world, sometimes you just have to let go with abandon and embrace what is good in your life. I have many good things in my life, but He is certainly one of the best things in my life. I have no regrets, in fact I am eternally thankful for all that He is and all that He gives to me. I hope that I never give Him one moment's regret, I hope I am always a source of joy to Him.