Thoughts of Him

Thoughts of Him fill me. They cause my soul to expand, my spirit to soar and my cunt to leak. I am enmeshed by Him, I am permeated by His essence. I cannot escape Him, nor do I want to. The distance is breached by my mental captivity and punctuated by notes and conversations. In one way or another, He is always with me.

My mind feels His constant embrace, His control and consideration influences all that I do. His voice echoes inside of me, guiding me, calming me, affirming me. My skin tingles and quivers with phantom touches of His hands. Remembrances of His caresses and pinches, exhilerate and flush me. Touches that arouse me, mold me, direct me to an outcome. Strong, sure touches of Him handling His property, managing me. Weilding His dominance to ply me and shape me.

He has developed that longing inside me. I hunger to taste Him. I ache for His hands on me, probing me, igniting the fire inside of me. I covet His pinches and slaps that inflame me and awaken me. He has conquered me. I am His; His pet, His slut, His lover, His servant. He has subdued me and bridled me. He holds me in check, yet He can still release the violent and wild streak within. He holds mastery over me. He does all of this, with my thoughts of Him.

Voices from my past

A person from my past has been sending me messages. It has been hard, but I have chosen not to respond. We have already had these conversations, I have already answered these questions. There was a time when I considered him as a friend, a mentor. I admired him and respected him, I suppose I even loved him. Some part of me still feels all of those things, but he doesn't really know me, he never really listened to me. Entertaining a conversation now, would not change that.

At one time, I was hopeful about what might be. He seemed familiar, comfortable. I mistakenly confused comfort with familiarity. Things were familiar because they mimicked a destructive relationship I had been in. He saw me for someone he could shape me into, he did not accept me for who I was. I mistook demands and control for dominance. He claimed he admired my strength, yet he was resentful when my strength opposed him. His messages now, range from sad, to angry, to hopeful. The past year has been hard and difficult for him, I wish I could be a friend to him, but I can't. He does not want my friendship, he wants more. I am sad, because I see how he has isolated himself from people who could be supportive, including me. Everything must be on his own terms, so my silence remains as my thoughts go out to him.

The whole thing has made me see how self-destructive we can be. We try and control things rather than accept things. We hold onto the familiar, even when it keeps us from growing. We listen to words, even when actions contradict them. Life is hard, change is even harder. We want others to change, so we can stay the same. It is easy to miss the nuances of relationship. The familiar seems comfortable, when it is actually stagnating. Trust cannot be given until it is earned. Love and caring stem from acceptance, growth can't occur until we accept what is.

I am grateful for J. He has helped me learn these truths. He accepted me for who I was, even as He embraced and encouraged my growth. He has always been worthy of my trust and He has helped me trust myself again. I am safe with Him, on a level that I have not experienced before. He is the only person that I have ever been able to fully reveal myself to, without fear of judgement or retribution. He has enabled my submission, by teaching me what dominance is.

Control

Finding and re-reading parts of my earlier blog have made me think a lot about our journey of the past seventeen months. In the beginning, I didn't know what to expect. For that matter, I still don't, each passing day brings surprises of new desires. What I didn't expect was the level of comfort our relationship gives me. Comfort with Him and comfort in my role of submission. It is about His control. I need it, I crave it and I love it. I am still constantly amazed at the control He has over me. Not just the mental, as in, I would do anything He asks of me, but the physical control that He has over my body. Both the conscious and unconscious response I have to Him.

In my past relationships, I always held tightly onto control. Not the control of the relationships, but the control of myself. Thinking about releasing that control, left me with the fear of spinning out of control. That of course is the difference. I am not, now, out of control, I am in His control. I am still safe, I feel very secure and I am quite comfortable being in His control. In fact, anymore, I live for that control. I am not talking about slavery or micro-management, I know that both of those things can define a dynamic, just not ours. My entire being responds to Him, regardless if I am reading His words, hearing His voice or He is here in person. I love the feeling of His control over me. I love being immersed in His power, I love letting go to Him.

His control is a force which envelops me. A suggestion or directive elicits an immediate physical response from my body. Even when He is not here, I can feel His presence, His hands on me. I am mentally bound by Him and to Him. I am His possession, that is my choice. Yet it is beyond a simple act of choosing, it is a compulsion. That component, my surrender to Him, is a part of me, it is ingrained in me. It has been easy to slip into this role and it is impossible to just relinquish it. I need Him, I do not want to take the control back, nor could I ever give it to someone else. I belong to Him and even if He should ever walk away, I would still belong to Him.