Thoughts of Him

Thoughts of Him fill me. They cause my soul to expand, my spirit to soar and my cunt to leak. I am enmeshed by Him, I am permeated by His essence. I cannot escape Him, nor do I want to. The distance is breached by my mental captivity and punctuated by notes and conversations. In one way or another, He is always with me.

My mind feels His constant embrace, His control and consideration influences all that I do. His voice echoes inside of me, guiding me, calming me, affirming me. My skin tingles and quivers with phantom touches of His hands. Remembrances of His caresses and pinches, exhilerate and flush me. Touches that arouse me, mold me, direct me to an outcome. Strong, sure touches of Him handling His property, managing me. Weilding His dominance to ply me and shape me.

He has developed that longing inside me. I hunger to taste Him. I ache for His hands on me, probing me, igniting the fire inside of me. I covet His pinches and slaps that inflame me and awaken me. He has conquered me. I am His; His pet, His slut, His lover, His servant. He has subdued me and bridled me. He holds me in check, yet He can still release the violent and wild streak within. He holds mastery over me. He does all of this, with my thoughts of Him.

Control

Finding and re-reading parts of my earlier blog have made me think a lot about our journey of the past seventeen months. In the beginning, I didn't know what to expect. For that matter, I still don't, each passing day brings surprises of new desires. What I didn't expect was the level of comfort our relationship gives me. Comfort with Him and comfort in my role of submission. It is about His control. I need it, I crave it and I love it. I am still constantly amazed at the control He has over me. Not just the mental, as in, I would do anything He asks of me, but the physical control that He has over my body. Both the conscious and unconscious response I have to Him.

In my past relationships, I always held tightly onto control. Not the control of the relationships, but the control of myself. Thinking about releasing that control, left me with the fear of spinning out of control. That of course is the difference. I am not, now, out of control, I am in His control. I am still safe, I feel very secure and I am quite comfortable being in His control. In fact, anymore, I live for that control. I am not talking about slavery or micro-management, I know that both of those things can define a dynamic, just not ours. My entire being responds to Him, regardless if I am reading His words, hearing His voice or He is here in person. I love the feeling of His control over me. I love being immersed in His power, I love letting go to Him.

His control is a force which envelops me. A suggestion or directive elicits an immediate physical response from my body. Even when He is not here, I can feel His presence, His hands on me. I am mentally bound by Him and to Him. I am His possession, that is my choice. Yet it is beyond a simple act of choosing, it is a compulsion. That component, my surrender to Him, is a part of me, it is ingrained in me. It has been easy to slip into this role and it is impossible to just relinquish it. I need Him, I do not want to take the control back, nor could I ever give it to someone else. I belong to Him and even if He should ever walk away, I would still belong to Him.

Let's talk about sex

I am desiring it. I have been thinking about it quite a bit. I actually have been thinking about Him. I stated in my last post, that I was celibate for a long time. That is true. Last year, when I met J, He was the first man I had engaged in any type of sex act with in many years (around thirteen, maybe more). Now, I cannot get enough of Him. He is very skillful at giving me pleasure. He can bring me to a climax quickly and expertly. He is the sexiest man I have ever met.

I lust for Him, all the time. Perhaps, that is not very submissive of me, I don't really know. I do know that I love to serve Him. I love to give Him pleasure. I love sucking His cock, giving Him a massage, licking Him all over. I love receiving spankings from Him, or canings, or floggings. All of that turns me on and makes me want Him more. I also love His hands exploring me, I love His mouth on me, and I love His cock. Seeing Him, talking to Him, just thinking about Him makes my cunt drip with desire.

He called me today and directed me to an orgasm over the phone. He told me what He would do to me and what I should do to myself. Prior to my relationship with J, I could bring myself to a climax better than anyone else. I have had some wonderful lovers, but I knew exactly where to touch myself, I knew how hard and how long. I enjoyed sex, whether it was making love or fucking, but for a pure, hard, mindblowing climax, I could do it better myself. That is no longer true. He knows my body, He knows what I need, He makes me cum better than anyone ever has (including myself). He is in control of me, I need His control. It is as much psychological as physical, I need Him in order to cum. Not necessarily His physical presence, but His presence inside of me. When He is physically with me, it is the best. I long for Him, I am electrified, I am His whore. He fills my fantasies, I only want Him. I crave His touch, His mouth, His cock, His seed. I crave serving Him. I need to submit, to surrender, to give myself to Him completely. He gives me everything that I need.