Sunday, January 11, 2009

Illuminating the darkness

I have been absent here for awhile, but I have been writing elsewhere. The new year brought a new focus, or maybe it was actually an old one. Despite the feelings of acceptance and the healing that J has fostered in me, I still had many demons lurking in the shadows. If you are told enough times, that you are unworthy and shameful, that sentiment latches onto you. No matter how deeply buried, it is a mantra that surfaces from time to time and echoes the words back to you. I have been writing confessions of dark thoughts, and the fears and shame that accompany them.

J has been both my healer and my dragon slayer. He has stood by my side and encouraged me, as I journeyed back to those strongholds. The places where I had battled, and lost, in my past. Those corners of my mind, that I was unable to face on my own, have been illuminated and swept clean, with Him at my side. He has silenced the accusations and replaced them with affirmations. He has slain the dragon, He led me through fiery places and has brought me back to where I belong, with Him.

David Usher - Black Black Heart


M:e said...

Its good to see you back. I can empathise with this though....I keep both a private journal (for M) as well as my public blog and find that when I have demons to deal with I spend much more time in my journal than the blog.

We are truly blessed to have our 'dragon slayers' standing so firmly beside us. They're strength bolsters our own, gives us the courage to revisit those dark corners, to get rid of the 'monsters under the bed'.

Its an exhausting, emotional experience, for you both, so well done and soft hugs xxx

Alice said...

Thank you M:e. The process was a difficult one, yet the results have been more than worth it.

I am ever amazed and grateful that J can be all things to me. I have never felt as safe in my entire life, as I do with Him.

Greenwoman said...

You are so blessed and I am deeply, deeply happy for you. It fills me with gladness to see people I care about so happy...feeling so safe and loved.

It is good to hear from you here. ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

Hi Alice
I just wanted to come by and meet you "in person". Your blog is very interesting.I will definately spend some time here reading your posts. Is there a particular post that describes how you met J, and more about your relationship? If not I will just be nosy and poke around if that is okay with you. Thank you for your feedback about the nipple clamps. Every time He and I window shop on-line he talks about those vibrating clamps, and I am hmmmm and then I am think Ouchy.
Take care
Andrades Girl

Alice said...

I have never felt so safe, cared for, or understood as I do with J. I am very aware of how blessed I am to have Him in my life.

I am very glad that things are better for you as well. You survived the cold, the work, the turmoil and the move. Now you can rest and evaluate things.

Andrades Girl,
Thank you so much for coming by. I do not think I have a "beginnings" post. I had deleted my original blog, but some of those remaining posts are at Growth and Decline (see my side bar for the link). Though you now have me considering a post about our origins. Poke around and read all you want, I sometimes go back and revisit the archives myself.


Radha said...

I love that you called J your dragon slayer! ((smiles)) This is my first visit to your blog, and I can't wait to read more.

Alice said...


Welcome to the blog and thanks for your comment. J is much more than my dragon slayer, He seems to be all things to me.