Monday, October 27, 2008

Do it to me...right now!

My mood is improving, I am back to feeling like myself. I am also back to thinking about J, alot, all the time. I want Him, in every way I can imagine. I want His cock, I want His hands on me, I want His mouth. I want Him to spank me. The last time He spanked me, it was very hard and very intense. I struggled, it hurt, it was almost too much. At least I thought so at the time, but when it was over, I glowed (and not just my derriere). Ever since then I have thought about it. I have wanted more of it. I yearn for it.

The more I think about it, the more I want Him. All of Him, everything about Him. Starting with that spanking. He is a wonderful spanker. Sometimes, He spanks me fast and hard. Other times, He warms me up slowly. Sometimes, it is concentrated on my sit spot. Other times, it is spread over my whole bottom and upper thighs. Always, His hand dips to my wet slit, that is dripping for Him. Always, it brings me to the brink of an orgasm. Every time, He surprises me. Every time, it is exactly what I need. Every time turns me into a puddle of lustful submission. I desire Him, only Him. I want to do anything for Him that He desires. I need to give myself to Him, again and again. No one else makes me feel that good, physically good, submissively good, emotionally good, spiritually good. He elates me, He makes me soar.

I want Him to do it to me...right now!

Sunday, October 26, 2008


Life has been a struggle lately, this past week took a lot out of me. I have not been very happy with the way that I have dealt with things. Some of my niceness and my empathy has gone out the window. I am tired of being strong and taking care of things. Mostly, I am just tired. However, in the midst of my depressive mood and my disjointed emotions, J has been my constant. His presence in my life and my mind has kept me focused and sane. As my own strength and resolve have dwindled, He has held me firmly and resolutely in His arms.

He has an abiding and permanent place in my mind and my life. He occupies a substantial part of my mind and my thoughts. His enduring presence within me was impervious to the onslaught of doubts and fears that were trying to push their way in. His protection and caring for me extend beyond the physical realm into the psychological. His influence is complete and pervasive.

I belong to Him. That is a truth that is fixed and immutable. It is true because I have given myself to Him and He has defined me. His control is not repressive, it is reassuring and restorative. My submission does not diminish me, it evolves me and actualizes me. He has earned and cultivated the trust that I feel for Him. His investment in me has deepened and intensified my desire for His dominance. The connection and understanding that has developed between us has produced a balance and equality in our relationship. The greater my surrender, the higher He elevates me.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Flashes of you

All day long, I am met with flashes of you. Memories and images bubble up from the depths of my mind; the way you possess me with your look and your touch, the hunger in me that your kisses evoke, the greed of your mouth on me, the probing insistence of your fingers, the ownership of your hands on me, the way your gaze penetrates and shapes me, the easy way you bend me to your will. All day I see you, all day I sense you, all day you surround me, all day I need you.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Let's talk about sex

I am desiring it. I have been thinking about it quite a bit. I actually have been thinking about Him. I stated in my last post, that I was celibate for a long time. That is true. Last year, when I met J, He was the first man I had engaged in any type of sex act with in many years (around thirteen, maybe more). Now, I cannot get enough of Him. He is very skillful at giving me pleasure. He can bring me to a climax quickly and expertly. He is the sexiest man I have ever met.

I lust for Him, all the time. Perhaps, that is not very submissive of me, I don't really know. I do know that I love to serve Him. I love to give Him pleasure. I love sucking His cock, giving Him a massage, licking Him all over. I love receiving spankings from Him, or canings, or floggings. All of that turns me on and makes me want Him more. I also love His hands exploring me, I love His mouth on me, and I love His cock. Seeing Him, talking to Him, just thinking about Him makes my cunt drip with desire.

He called me today and directed me to an orgasm over the phone. He told me what He would do to me and what I should do to myself. Prior to my relationship with J, I could bring myself to a climax better than anyone else. I have had some wonderful lovers, but I knew exactly where to touch myself, I knew how hard and how long. I enjoyed sex, whether it was making love or fucking, but for a pure, hard, mindblowing climax, I could do it better myself. That is no longer true. He knows my body, He knows what I need, He makes me cum better than anyone ever has (including myself). He is in control of me, I need His control. It is as much psychological as physical, I need Him in order to cum. Not necessarily His physical presence, but His presence inside of me. When He is physically with me, it is the best. I long for Him, I am electrified, I am His whore. He fills my fantasies, I only want Him. I crave His touch, His mouth, His cock, His seed. I crave serving Him. I need to submit, to surrender, to give myself to Him completely. He gives me everything that I need.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

the topic of rape

Recently Pygar wrote a post about rape. His posts usually receive many comments from women, but when I read this particular post, only David had replied. I debated about commenting, as this is a very difficult subject for me, but I wanted to present a woman's view. Especially a view from a submissive woman who has experienced rape. I wondered if other women had refrained from commenting due to shame or embarrassment from having been raped.

I believe that every woman who has been raped, has her own reaction and I certainly was not trying to make any blanket statement. I only wanted to express my own feelings and reaction. I do not know Pygar or David personally, but I read both of their blogs and I respect them as experienced and caring Dominants. I did not take offense to anything that either of them wrote, but I did want to share my own experience and my own feelings. My own experience was different from many, I am sure that some people would not even view my experience as rape, since it was my husband that raped me. Until this past year, I had not told anyone what had happened to me, nor had I dealt with my own hurt in a positive manner. I have written about my experience previously, but I am now prompted to expand on it.

Looking back, I realize that I became involved with my ex-husband due to my submissive tendencies and my propensity for BDSM. I did not know anything about the lifestyle, I had only experimented a little, with some kink in the past. I ignored many warning signs, partly because of my lack of experience and partly because of my own insecurities. I enjoyed many of the things that he introduced me to, I was turned on by his forcefulness and his control. I did not understand the dynamics of a power exchange. I also did not originally recognize the multitude of problems that he had, or the fact that he blamed much of them on women. I do know that safe, sane and consensual were never a part of what we shared. I also know that his intent was to harm me. He was not happy or sexually satisfied, until that harm occurred. Our relationship was not about BDSM, it was about abuse. Rape is abuse.

The fact that things began as consensual and exciting, does not negate the fact that it wound up as non-consensual, dangerous and damaging. I was not free to stop it, I was not free to set limits, and I was not free to leave. I do believe that I was lucky to get out alive. Since originally sharing my story (in a limited way), I have been told that I might have just over-reacted to rough sex that went too far. Rape is not rough sex that went too far, it is an act of violence, and for me it happened more than once. It is the act of inflicting physical and emotional harm on a person. I am lucky. I am lucky to have been able to get out, I am lucky to have been able to rebuild my life, I am lucky to have found someone who has helped me heal. It may seem very strange that, after my experience, I am still interested and able to engage in a D/s relationship. To me, it is not strange at all, it has allowed me to be in control. I choose to submit, I choose to trust, I choose to serve. Nothing has been taken from me, I have given it freely and willingly.

Not all D/s relationships are the same, some dominants are much more demanding and forceful. Some submissives like rape role-playing, but the common thread is consent. When there is no consent, it is not D/s, it is not M/s, it is not BDSM, it is abuse. I have read accounts of rape or abuse where women admit to sexual arousal, that did not occur in my case, nor does it make it okay. Our bodies are designed to react in a certain way to certain types of stimulation. Arousal does not signify consent, it only signifies that a physiological response has occurred. I think that it is this arousal that David was referring to in his comment, I do realize that he was not condoning rape in any way. I still have a hard time believing that rape has awakened any submissive feelings or desires in women, though I cannot speak for all women. I also know that since posting a profile on a BDSM site, I have received messages from men asking if I had a rape fantasy or if I wanted to be "raped." My response was to delete the message and block the sender. Those men scared me, I know that "rape fantasies" and role play is a kink that some people have (both men and women), but BDSM is based on trust. Men who open with that type of message, who do not try to build trust or initiate a conversation, let alone a relationship, seem to be looking for an excuse, or a "legal outlet" to commit rape. Especially, since my profile does not indicate that desire or fantasy.

The problem is not limited to BDSM, date rapes happen all the time. The key, in any relationship, is communication. If you haven't communicated enough to establish what each of you wants, you shouldn't be having sex. If communication and trust have been established, there should be no misunderstandings that may lead to rape. Whether you ascribe to SSC or RACK guidelines, open communication and discussions should protect both dominants and submissives. Dominants are just as vulnerable, they could lose their family, their career, and their freedom if they are accused of rape or abuse.

My current relationship has been my healing and recovery. I am understood, cared for, and protected. I trust Him in every way. I know He would never physically or mentally harm me. I can be honest with Him, in all matters, without fearing judgement or ridicule. I am valued and cherished. He does not take my submission for granted, but constantly strives to earn it. My desire to give everything to Him, is derived from my feeling that I can never give back to Him as much as He has already given to me. He is loving and affirming, He empowers me. He admires and appreciates my strength, for the stronger I am, the more I have to give. By freely giving to Him, the things that had been forcefully taken in the past, I have been restored.