Monday, July 28, 2008

When life gets in the way of our dreams

Recently, I was asked if my life turned out the way I expected it to. I turned fifty this year. I have lived through many phases of my life, I have changed plans and directions many times. I must admit that my life bears little resemblance to what I originally thought it would be.

I will not go all the way back to childhood, but in my late teens I had big dreams. I was attending a small private college in northern Ohio. I was majoring in Equestrian Studies and minoring in Theatre (I know, what a combination). I had worked at a stable and shown horses for 6 years or so. The theatre minor was just an interest, a hobby. I had dreams of running or owning a show stable and teaching lots of kids to ride. My dream had outlasted the typical young girl, horse infatuation and I just knew that this was the direction that my life would follow. I was also sure that I would meet someone, get married and be with them til death do us part.

I will not tell the long, sad story of all that derailed my dreams, but suffice to say that it involved money, immaturity, marriage, divorce, and children. It is really not a sad story though. (Okay, parts of it are pretty sad.) I am alive, healthy, and much happier than if I had stayed married. I am a much better person now, I am more fulfilled, more of my own person. I raised my boys to be good, responsible people too (it is up to them if they follow that path). I am back in school and learning more then I ever did as a teenager. I have worked hard for what I have. I have friends and family that love me. I have a home and a job. I am in a relationship that is fulfilling and affirming.

Having the courage and the trust to enter into that relationship, has been one of the best things I have ever done. It really did not take much courage though. I just knew, I knew I could trust Him. He knew what I needed. As long as I listen to him and follow Him, I am right where I need to be. My submission to Him gives me focus, it gives me perspective.

Thirty years ago, I had no idea that I would be divorced (twice), that I would have raised my boys as a single mom, that I would be finishing my degree at the age of 50, or that I would be in a long distance, D/s relationship. In fact, one year ago, I had no idea that last fact would come to pass. We are quickly coming up on the one year anniversary of my first contact with J. Even after we had developed a connection, we had no idea of what our relationship would become. I often tend to be skeptical of things, I never believed in the idea of soul mates. I suppose, even now, it depends on the use of that term. I do know that He is as close to my soul mate as I will ever find. It is as if He can see inside my heart and mind. From the first time we spoke, He had a knowledge and intuition of me that was a bit uncanny. I tried to write it off to Him being adept at reading people and having good instincts. It is more that that. Don't get me wrong, He worked very hard at getting to know me, learning me. Some things though, He just knew.

We are very like-minded in most areas. In the places that we diverge, we still understand where the other one is coming from. The similarities greatly outweigh the differences. We do not share the same backgrounds, neither geographically or otherwise. We have taken different paths in life. Yet, the connection is there and is very strong. I do not believe that it was accidental that our paths crossed, nor do I believe it is coincidental that we have continued to follow this path together.

I do not know if J would agree with me, but I believe that something bigger than us, had a hand in bringing us together. Whether it be fate, karma, or whatever, the stars aligned, the moon was in the right house and we met. He has been very good for me and I think He feels the same way. He has enabled my personal growth and healing. He has made me a better person. It was not as if my life was stalled or in a rut, I was working, in school, moving forward towards my goals. I was also fiercely independent, aloof, and suspicious of most people. I was a very private person. I had been shaped by my past and it was still haunting me. He changed that, He has reshaped me, He has freed me. Regardless of what the future holds for us, I will always be grateful to Him for liberating me. From that place of freedom, I chose to belong to Him. My service, submission and surrender to Him frees me even more.

I am still subject to the storms of life. I am still pushed, pulled and caught in the undertow. Only now, He is my anchor that keeps me from being lost at sea. Life happens, sometimes it puts up roadblocks on the path to our dreams. Other times it offers a detour and that alternate route might be the road to something that is better than what we ever dreamed of.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

The Heron Clan

Last night I had dinner with the Heron Clan. It seems we live in the same town, only about 5 miles from each other. I will admit that I was nervous. I have read their blog for awhile, I have great respect for them, what they do and what they say. I was concerned that they might find me uninteresting, or we might not have much in common.

Friendships that I have usually happen gradually. I meet someone through work or school, we share common interests and we eventually begin to socialize. Of all of my friends that I have, only two know of my kinks. One of them is my best friend, we have known each other for 16 years, I have only become open with her in the past year. She has read my blog and has some kinks of her own, despite all of this, we rarely discuss it and never at great length. My other friend that knows, has known me for 35 years. I agonized about being out with him. He used to read a vanilla blog I had and inquired about where I blogged now. I gave him the link along with a disclaimer (and only because I know him to be very open minded and accepting). I think he might be a little amused, I know he is fine with it. Yet, we have never discussed what I have written or what he has read.

When I discovered that Swan and her family lived so close to me, I really wanted to meet them. After all, we were neighbors. I hoped we could be friends, but I felt a little like I was going to a job interview. My anxiety was totally unfounded. They are intelligent, funny, warm and gracious people. They made me feel welcome and comfortable. I was surprised and happy to find that we had even more in common than I expected. I had a lovely time, I certainly hope they felt the same way. It was refreshing to be open and honest about my relationship with J, but more importantly it was wonderful to share good food, good conversation, and good company.

Thank you, Swan, Tom, and T, for a fabulous evening.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Sweet Child O' Mine

I planned on writing a post all week. He was here last week on Monday and stayed over til Tuesday morning. Although our time together was short, our play was intense. I had been reflecting on all that happened, trying to sort it out into a coherent narrative. I don't think I can, it is not coherent, I was not coherent. I was small, I was His, I was very close and very far away, all at the same time. He does that to me, He takes me to another place. I cannot explain it, my mind becomes child-like. The feelings and sensations crowd out the rationality. I become present in the moment, everything else becomes clouded.

In the midst of intense sexual play, I am taken inside of myself to a place of simple innocence and trust. He becomes my focus and my center. My trust allows me to go deep, He is my refuge, my safety, my protector. I can let go and float away, I become completely His. He took me there last week, I was completely in His control. I was caught between the sensations of pain and pleasure. He spanked me and then caned me. I was balanced on the edge of asking Him to stop and begging Him to go on. Wanting more and fearing my ability to tolerate it. I wanted to escape the pain and yet I felt I could climax from it. Each stroke seared through me, yet left me needing more.

From the moment He arrived, I was His possession. I needed His hands on me, I needed His control. He is the only one who can make me feel that way. I crave what He can give to me, the pleasure that He imparts to me, my needs that He meets. When He kissed me, I felt like I was consumed by Him, I was enveloped by His presence. His stature and His hands directed me down, until I was kneeling in front of Him. I took His cock in my mouth, it fed my needs and nourished my submission. Humbled before Him, I felt surrendered and worshipful. I existed for His pleasure and His use. When I am in His hands, in His control, I feel safe and cared for. I feel completely abased and completely treasured at the same time.

My recollections of the evening come to me in flashes. Snapshots of sensations and images. I remember my nipples being pinched and flattened between His fingers, being held that way while my knees buckled under me. Feeling the heat and wetness dripping from my cunt, as His fingers slid inside of me. His touches and pinches pulling my orgasms out of me. Each one bigger and longer than the last. His cock in my mouth for an hour, sucking hungrily, greedily, not wanting Him to take it from me. Being pulled by my legs to the edge of the bed, His hands pushing my thighs open for Him. His mouth on my clit, sucking and biting, His fingers curled inside of me. Feeling my climax swell and then explode inside of me, cumming so hard I rose up from the bed. Being caned, trying to pull away, but held by restraints. Screaming into the bed with each stroke, but wanting more, wanting it harder. Crying, not from the pain, but from the release. Letting go and surrendering, curling into Him, being held and petted while I wept.

With Him I am a woman, but also a child. He enables me to innocently trust Him. With Him I have no secrets, His light illuminates all that I am. I put myself in His hands with no fear or regret.

Guns and Roses - Sweet Child O' Mine

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Submissive Journal Prompts - Week of June 30th

~How tolerant are you of others who live in a lifestyle that would not suit you and who live in such a way it does not affect you? Do you consider yourself open minded? How do you react when others judge your lifestyle as fantasy?

I consider myself to be very open-minded. If someone chooses a lifestyle other than my own, that is entirely their choice and option. We all need and desire different things from life. There are many lifestyles and dynamics that hold no interest for me personally, I certainly would not judge someone else for wanting that. I think that my involvement in this community, reading blogs and corresponding with others has made me more accepting. I enjoy talking to others about their life choices (relationships, beliefs, etc.) to gain understanding and perspective. It is usually easy to find similarities and commonalities on which to base acceptance and friendship.

I am not sure that others would find my lifestyle to be fantasy. I do encounter many people that would judge and condemn my particular choices and desires. I do not waste my time on trying to change their attitude. I understand that their reaction often stems from what society deems as acceptable. They also are often coming from a very limited frame of reference. Everyone is entitled to their opinion.

~Are you a quiet obedient submissive or is there an element of playful brattiness in your dynamic? How does your owner/dominant encourage or enhance who you are?

I do not think that either of these descriptions accurately describes me. There is an equality that is present in our dynamic. Our play and interactions stems from mutual needs and desires, not just His. He encourages me to share my fantasies, opinions, and desires. He encourages my strength and independence. I am very submissive to Him and try to focus on serving Him, that is what my desire is. I also know that He makes sure my needs are met as well. While at times, denial and restrictions may play a part, that is to enhance His control and heighten my desires. I do not engage in bratty behavior, I have no need to. There is a very strong element of playfulness in our relationship. I love the lightheartedness and teasing that occurs between us.

He both encourages and enhances who I am. We are not 24/7 and lead very separate lives, though we discuss and share details of those lives with each other. He is supportive and encouraging in all that I do. He has given me a self-awareness and an acceptance of things that has made me a better person in all areas of my life. He has helped me heal from things that happened in my past. I have become a stronger and happier person because of Him.

~Why do you write a journal? Do you find it is a positive thing for you, and if so, in what ways? Is it a public journal? Do you ever find yourself censoring your writings for whoever else might read them?

I have kept a journal for much of my life. Writing helps me process and reflect on things that occur. It also provides me with a record of things that I can look back on. It is a very positive thing for me. I gain insight and understanding from writing things here. I also view it as another form of communication between us. This blog is written for Him as much as it is for me. It helps me feel very connected to Him.

I have not always kept a public journal, but right now, my blogs are my journals. I maintain two blogs with different focuses, they reflect the different focuses in my life.

I thought that keeping a public journal would prompt me to censor things at times. Though my blog is pretty anonymous, I have given the link to a couple of friends. When I am writing, I do not even think about who may read it, I write what is on my mind and in my heart. I sometimes think about it after I publish and have been tempted to go back and change things, but I never have. He is the only one that ever crosses my mind while I write. I have never felt the need to censor or withhold things from Him. Our entire relationship is based on trust and honesty. If I ever reached the point of keeping things from Him, I would have to seriously reconsider my decision to submit to Him. I have made a very conscious and deliberate effort to be very open and honest in my writing.

In my past, my ex-husband discovered and read the journal that I kept at the time. He used that information against me. He misinterpreted what I wrote and used it as an excuse for abuse. After that occurred, I stopped keeping a journal for a long time. Even after we divorced, I didn't feel it was safe to do so. Being able to write again, especially in such a public forum, has been very healing and freeing for me. The affirmation and acceptance that I receive, both from Him and through the comments left, has been an empowering experience.

I am not influenced by the expectation of promotion or pecuniary reward. I wish to be useful…
~Nathan Hale

I wish I could be this giving and charitable. I think I am more selfish than this quote reflects. I am motivated by personal rewards. Even if those rewards are from my own satisfaction in trying to make a difference. I think it is rare that any of us are motivated by entirely selfless reasons. Wealth and status have never been a consideration for me, though pride and appreciation certainly are. The closest I come to this is probably in my role as a mother. Though the love and pride I feel towards my children influence that role as well. This is something that I strive for though, but sainthood is certainly not in my future.

Questions are from Submissive Journal Prompts.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Our history

Before I met Him, I wanted a lover, a play partner, but I also wanted to control the situation. I wanted to keep things at a surface level, not delve too deeply. My emotions were locked up tight. They were off limits. The last man I had a relationship with, told me I was intimidating. After we broke up, he told me, it had hurt him that I never shared my emotions with him. He told me that I was too reserved and distant. I told him I didn't think he could handle it.

Deep down, I wanted someone who could take control. I wanted someone who could handle me. I knew, however, that man did not exist. Every little girl grows up with an image of her Prince Charming, by the time we are adults, we better know that he is just a fairy tale. I was decidedly adult and no longer believed in make-believe. I was willing to make a lot of concessions, since I knew the perfect man did not exist, I had pared my list of requirements. I had four requirements left that I could not compromise.

1. Intelligence - I didn't care if he had a Ph.D. or even a degree, but he had to be well read and able to converse on a certain level. Someone like-minded would be nice, but as long as they were open minded, that was okay. A good communicator with a good vocabulary, definitely a plus. Verbal banter is hot!

2. Sense of Humor - For me this ties into intelligence. I didn't a want a well rehearsed, stand-up routine, but I wanted to laugh (with him, not at him). Humor requires intelligence, someone smart enough and mature enough to see the absurdities of life and be able to express them. Extra points for being a wordsmith with a good handle on the English language. I have a thing for words and language. Humor goes a long way with me.

3. Kink-friendly - I was not looking for a Dom, I'd given up on that. I did want to be able to engage in some kinky sex. There were certain things that were big turn-ons for me: oral sex, spanking, light bondage. A quick roll in the hay before rolling over and turning out the lights, was NOT what I was looking for. I needed someone who was not afraid to "handle" me. A man with a firm hand, who enjoyed having his cock in my mouth and was willing to occasionally reciprocate. Someone who didn't think sex was dirty, but thought "dirty" sex was even better. Maybe I had dated more than my share of cold fish, but this was the requirement that I was most worried about.

4. Not seeking a wife - Once, I actually went on a first date with a guy, who told me that he had been divorced for a long time and was tired of being single. He was sure I would understand, because I had been single even longer, so, I must have not been able to find a husband either. He went on to say that, since we had so much in common, he was sure things would work out great for us. (We had nothing in common.) I promptly ordered a stiff drink, and told him, getting married was the last thing I had on my list, right after dying. He continued calling and didn't give up for over a month. My son began referring to him as "the stalker."

This list was one of the reasons I had turned to meeting people on-line. I was hopeful of weeding out the undesirables, before being face to face.

After our first exchange of messages, I realized that He satisfied every one of my requirements. As we continued talking, I knew that He exceeded any expectations that I had. We were extremely compatible. We shared interests and viewpoints in all aspects of life, not just kink related. The connection that quickly developed, and the trust that He inspired in me, led me to open up to Him. In the course of our relationship, I encountered many internal struggles. These struggles did not arise directly from Him, but from the changes and growth that He spurred in me. Opening up to Him was frightening, even as I felt compelled to do so. I was not frightened of Him, I was frightened of confronting that part of myself. I could not hide things from Him and as a result, I could no longer hide things from myself.

I broke all of my own rules. Rules that were designed to protect me, to keep people out. I never had allowed anyone to see my weakness. I kept my past a secret, I did not cry in front of anyone, and I did not fall in love. I am not sure why things were different with Him, but they were. I could take risks with Him, because He took risks with me. He offered me a place of safety, security and acceptance. My secrets and my crying were met with compassion and understanding, not judgement; empathy, not pity. Despite my rules, my resistance, and our circumstance, I came to love Him. I love Him for who He is, both with me and apart from me. I love Him for who He allows and inspires me to be.

The more my emotions became involved, the more I struggled. I was too vulnerable. I did not know where things were going. I did not know where things would be in a month, in a year. I wasn't sure if it was what I wanted, after all, it was against my rules.

In the midst of my struggle, I stepped back, I walked away. I opted for different circumstances, for a situation I thought I could control. I knew immediately it was a mistake. I missed Him, I needed Him and wanted Him. I felt lost and adrift. I didn't need the rules to protect me, He protected me. I didn't need to know what I wanted, He knew what I wanted. In less than a month I came back, humbled.

He is a part of me, He will always be a part of me. He is my Bashert, He shows me my own truth. His influence, our relationship, has left an indelible mark on me. His signature, of sorts. He has forever changed me, improved me. He will always hold claim to me, He will always possess that part of me.

silently if, out of not knowable
night's utmost nothing, wanders a little guess
(only which is this world)more my life does
not leap than with the mystery of your smile

sings or if(spiraling as luminous
they climb oblivion)voices who are dreams,
less into heaven certainly earth swims
than each my deeper death becomes your kiss

losing through you what seemed myself,I find
selves unimaginably mine;beyond
sorrow's own joys and hoping's very fears

yours is the light by which my spirit's born:
yours is the darkness of my soul's return
-you are my sun,my moon,and all my stars

~e.e. cummings