Monday, August 25, 2008


For awhile now, we have discussed finding another woman to play with. At first it was just a nice fantasy to talk about, but it has become an increasing desire for me and we have begun to discuss the logistics. The process of looking, screening, and meeting is an intimidating idea to me. I know there are tons of personal sites, but I am not ready to advertise yet. I have begun to browse through ads though. I have looked at Craigslist a few times, but it is overwhelming. There are so many ads, most of them wanting to "hook-up" immediately, just one big meat market. Tonight, I was browsing and getting pretty disgusted. I was about to sign off when I looked at one more ad. It seemed to be open and honest, plus she was a bit older. I sent Him the link and responded to her. It should have raised a red flag in me when I got an immediate reply with a link to her "pics." I followed the link and found the link terminated for violating a TOS agreement. I am not sure if it had been spam or malware, but either way I felt a little foolish.

I know it was terribly naive of me not to consider the possibility of many of the ads being spam. I know that I will really have to be more careful and rethink the entire process. I do tend to be a worrier, my mind works overtime considering all the worst case scenarios. It is rather amazing that I not only found J, but agreed to meet Him. However, sending the message to her tonight (even if it was a stupid mistake on my part), was a first step. I realize that I have now taken action on my thoughts. I know that this is actually something I would be willing to do. No, something that I want to do. Originally, I wanted to do this for Him, but this fantasy has become more and more mine. I want this. It remains to be seen if it ever comes to pass. Any further action I take will be very careful and well though out. But this is one more limit I want to cross with Him.

PS. Candy, if you're out there send a message.

Sunday, August 24, 2008


Sometimes, I need Him to strike me, to crack me, to break me open. I need Him to flay away that outer shell and reveal what's hidden inside. To let me out, free me, release me.

Other times, I need Him to hold me and stroke me. To wrap Himself around me and hold me together. To keep me from shattering into a million pieces.

He always knows whether He needs to pull the pieces apart or hold them all together. He knows when I'm tough and He knows when I'm fragile.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

cock worship

I was 16 years old when I lost my virginity. I was in a relation-ship, but it was not out of love or lust. I made the decision that I no longer wanted to be a virgin. I am not sure why, other than I no longer wanted to be bothered by the burden of "should I or shouldn't I." It was a pleasant experience, he was caring, gentle, and (though he was pretty inexperienced too) was way more knowledgeable than I was. I did not know what to expect, it hurt (briefly) but that turned me on even more. (I guess a little bit of pain is what I have always desired.) I remember it always with fondness.

I was extremely naive. I wanted to have sex, I wanted to please my partners, but I was pretty limited. I remember when the same boy mentioned oral sex to me. I do not know what I said, but something along the lines of, "people actually do that?" Needless to say, after my response, we didn't do that. I was not revolted by the idea, just totally clueless. A year later, I was seeing someone else, he was older and more experienced. We had gone to the movies (Shampoo, with Warren Beatty), and there had been a scene at a dinner party were Julie Christie sucked his cock under the table. Later, that evening, we were on the couch in my parent's living room and he referred to the scene. He asked me to do "that," I did and the rest is history. I have always enjoyed sucking cock. It makes me feel servile, sexy, and a bit of a tease.

I have never loved it as much as I do with J. With Him, it is more than a sex act, it is spiritual. It is an act of worship. I not only love it, I fantasize about it, I dream about it, I need it. I love the way His cock feels in my mouth. It is hard and smooth and the perfect size. I love how it fills my mouth, how it hits the back of my throat. I love running my tongue over it, exploring it, memorizing it. I love how it smells and how it tastes. I love sucking hard on the head and then sliding my mouth down to the base where I am nuzzled against Him. I love when He fucks my mouth, thrusting into me, into my throat, making me gag. I love when He wraps His hand in my hair, holding me while I take all of Him. I love when He cums. Feeling His balls tighten, sensing the urgency, flooding my mouth, sucking and swallowing His gift to me. Each drop is precious and valuable. It sustains me, it affirms me, I crave it from Him.

My reserved and private self, is now desiring to suck His cock, everywhere. I have already done this in the hallway of a hotel, on the deck at my house and now on this blog. I want more, I want this in elevators, in parks, in corridors, in museums and yes, under the table at a dinner party. No, I don't want to be caught, but I do want to publicly worship Him. I want to be His adoring pet, His lustful slut. I want to be His devoted disciple, His surrendered submissive. I want to be His cock whore.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Thursday's Question #48: Marks

Luna asked:
How do you feel about marks left from play? What are your favorite/least favorite marks?

I absolutely love the marks He leaves on me. I love having them as a reminder of the time we spent together. I have read some discussions on how to prevent and minimize bruising, I have never understood it. I would be more inclined to ask how to maximize bruising and keep them from fading so quickly. I like looking at them after He is gone, I like noticing bruises that I did not expect, I like feeling the tenderness when I move or sit. I always thought that I would like to be marked, but not too severely. Now, I fantasize about having welts and bruises and stripes. I do not desire to be cut or whipped til I bleed, but deep, well-pronounced bruises turn me on. I think that my desire for marks has increased my desire and tolerance for pain. Often, when we play, I wonder what type of marks will be left. I think about the type of marks different implements will leave. I am desiring a wooden paddle, because I think that it would leave more bruising. Besides having marks remind me of our play, I feel like they are His signature on me. Something He has put on me to show that I belong to Him. A physical reminder that He leaves on me to signify my surrender to Him. An outward reflection of the hold that He has on my mind.

I can't think of any marks that I would not like, other than ones I could not conceal for work. My favorites have been the first marks He left on me. The first time we played I bruised. In fact, though the play wasn't as severe, the bruising was more prominent than many times since. I also love the marks left by the cane, stripes and welts in a row or criss-crossed. The nicest surprises though, are His bite marks on me. I never expect them. When He bites me, I don't think about bruising. Then the next day, when I am dressing or showering I notice His bite marks on my breasts and the inside of my thighs. Nice round bruises that are quite dark and are very personal. I always smile when I discover them. His marks have a deep psychological impact on me, they are very satisfying to me. They reinforce the afterglow, the feeling of contentment that I get from being with Him.

Questions from BDSM is Love, Luna's Thursday Question.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Unending Love

I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times...
In life after life, in age after age, forever.
My spellbound heart has made and remade the necklace of songs,
That you take as a gift, wear round your neck in many forms,
In life after life, in age after age, forever.

Whenever I hear old chronicles of love, it's age old pain,
It's ancient tale of being apart or together.
As I stare on and on into the past, in the end you emerge,
Clad in the light of a polestar, piercing the darkness of time.
You become an image of what is remembered forever.

You and I have floated here on the stream that brings from the fount.
At the heart of time, love of one for another.
We have played alongside millions of lovers,
Shared in the same shy sweetness of meeting,
The distressful tears of farewell,
Old love, but in shapes that renew and renew forever.

~Rabindranath Tagore

Monday, August 18, 2008

Google meme

When I started this blog, I did a search for blogs with Alice or Wonderland. I was actually trying to look at other related templates. I came across a 17 year old blogger in the UK, who happened to have written an Alice inspired post. I have kept reading her blog because she is a very talented photographer and is refreshingly honest in her posts. It is good to sometimes be reminded of the teenage drama and angst that we all experienced. I always feel a bit guilty, like I am her mother reading her diary.

Anyway, she had this little game (which I am choosing to call a meme) posted on her blog and I thought it would be fun. Oh, to be 17 again - NOT. Just for the record, I used my real name in the search, but I am replacing it with Alice here.

Type the following into Google and choose from the first page...

1: Type in "[your name] needs" in Google search:
Alice needs to be spanked!!!
She certainly does.

2: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search:
Alice looks like she is done laying her eggs for the year.
I bloody well hope so.

3: Type in "[your name] does" in Google search:
Alice does a nude photo shoot with Allure?
Shhh, it hasn't been released yet.

4: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search:
Alice hates spiders more than I do.
arachnophobia anyone?

5: Type in "[your name] goes" or "...has gone" in Google search:
Alice goes underground.
If I am missing for awhile, you will know where I am.

6: Type in "[your name] loves" in Google search:
Alice loves books.
yes, yes I do.

7: Type in "[your name] eats" in Google search:
Alice eats shit.
I hate having to eat one's own words.

8: Type in "[your name] has" in Google search:
Alice has 5 boards of equal length.
Guess I'll have to make that spanking bench.

9: Type in "[your name] works" in Google search:
Alice works one-on-one with management.
Now would be a good time to ask for that raise.

10: Type in "[your name] lives" in Google search:
Alice lives a poetic life in San Diego with two cats and a bougainvillea.
Don't tell the dogs!

11: Type in "[your name] died" in Google search:
Alice died after the police waved on the lorry carrying the calves, despite the fact that protesters were still occupying the road.
What an absolutely tragic end.

12: Type in "[your name] will" in Google search:
Alice will go to the Grammy's with that gorgeous guy from the movies.
Ok, ok, it's Sean Connery, now quit asking.

Gee, that was rather fun pretending to be 17 again. I really didn't think the Google thing would work that well. Don't worry, more grown-up posts coming soon.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Weighing the Risk

Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it. ~ The Duchess
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

I visited Shannee's blog today, it confirmed to me something I have been noticing. There has been a lot of pain and sadness among many of my favorite bloggers. I have been tempted to post on this before, but I was unsure what to write. I did not really want to go there. The more I read, however, the more I must comment. Pixiepie has been dealing with a debilitating and dangerous illness and now the loss of Richard. Oatmeal Girl is coming to terms with the loss of the Philosopher. I read of others' pain in searching for someone to give their submission to and continually being disappointed. I empathize with all of them, I sympathize, I know what it is to lose a relationship, to be hurt or betrayed by someone you love. It also makes me realize how blessed I am. It does not make me question my trust in Him, it makes me realize that you have to take it where you find it. Something special does not come along everyday, when it does, you have to take the risk. The more you give, the more you love, the greater the risk. The dynamic of a D/s relationship elevates that risk even more, but also makes it worth that risk.

For years, I would not take that risk, I did not find anyone who was worth that risk. I had been hurt, I was never going to be hurt again. But sometimes, it is worth the risk. Sometimes it is so special and so right, that the journey, the discovery, the sharing, is worth any pain that it might bring. I had a plan, my plan was to not become involved, certainly not to fall in love. The universe had a different plan. I met someone who has surely known me forever. Someone who knew me so deeply and intimately, that we had to have loved in a past life. I discovered that I had to submit to Him, and that I could not completely surrender without loving Him. By being the man that He is, He made me love Him.

Don't misunderstand me, my love does not come with strings attached. There are limitations between us, I accept those. There are limits on the time we can share, I accept that as well. What is not limited is my trust in Him and my honesty with Him. My love and desire for Him are also unlimited. I am His, for as long as He wants and needs me, I am His. I do not know when or if this will ever end. Should that occur, I will hurt, I will have lost part of myself, but I will have gained so much more than I could ever lose. And my love for Him will never be lost. He has resurrected a part of me that I thought was lost forever, He gave me back my ability to love. Loving Him has been easy and joyful. He is the most exceptional person that I have ever known. With all the pain and horror and treachery in the world, sometimes you just have to let go with abandon and embrace what is good in your life. I have many good things in my life, but He is certainly one of the best things in my life. I have no regrets, in fact I am eternally thankful for all that He is and all that He gives to me. I hope that I never give Him one moment's regret, I hope I am always a source of joy to Him.


His visit here this week has taken me from restless to content. Though He is gone now and distance separates us again, I still feel wrapped in His arms. I am awash in His presence, I feel Him all around me. Not restrictively so, but reassuringly so, I am swaddled by His essence. I am the same as when we met, yet I am completely different. He has shaped me, He has made me His. He is everything that I need and want. No other man could ever complete me, satisfy me, or own me as He does. I have been feeling very owned lately, my mindset is continually evolving. When we started, I did not understand a Master/slave dynamic. I did not understand being owned. We do not incorporate a M/s dynamic, but I have come to understand it. I also believe that it is a matter of semantics, what we have in our relationship is not far off of what many others refer to as M/s. I am His, I belong to Him. That is my choice, I am free to withdraw my submission at any time. Yet, I am not free, I could not do it, I am owned. I need Him, I need to surrender myself to Him. That need grows within me more each day. He has changed me.

In my mind, I am bound to Him. In my heart, I revere Him. In our interactions, He sanctifies me. I do not wear a collar, but psychologically and spiritually, I am His possession. He realizes, better than I do, what I need and desire. He is better able to please me and sate those desires than I am myself. I have realized that He is all that I need. He gives me everything that I could ever want. He is my fantasy and my desire and nothing else matters. He is my guide, my leader, my security, my sanctuary. This has never been more apparent to me than it was this week.

I am completely His. When we are together, I bask in His presence. I am His pet, I am cherished and cared for. Tuesday, when He was here, I sat at His feet. My head was in His lap and He was stroking my hair and my neck. I have never felt more content or fulfilled. His touches are magic to me, whether He is stroking my hair, or spanking my ass, or rubbing my clit, I am euphoric from His touch. As I sat on the floor at His feet, I yearned for Him, I longed for the release that only He can give to me. I began to rub myself against Him, to masturbate on His foot. He encouraged me, He gave me permission to cum for Him. I cannot climax without Him anymore. I need His presence, either His physical presence or the one that is implanted strongly inside of me. Even when we are apart, I must conjure up His voice in my head, telling me "Cum for me, pet." to be able to climax. Rubbing and arching against His foot made me cum better and harder than my own touches or toys ever could.

We spent time on the deck, where He bent me over the railing to spank me. Afterwards, I leaned down to suck His cock. I was aware of the openness, the lack of privacy, but He was my focus, I needed to serve Him. I only knew how completely I belonged to Him. I love His cock, I delight in touching it, licking it and sucking it. It is sacred to me. My worship and adulation of it is my namaste to Him, my gesture of reverence. His cock is my altar, my providence, my prize. My service and submission to Him has overtaken any shyness or embarrassment that I may feel.

Back inside, I began to prepare dinner, He stood beside me and carved a butt plug out of ginger root. The pungent odor filled my nose and caused my cunt to throb and drip. He had me smell and taste the ginger, He asked me if that was what I wanted. My mind was unsure, but my body's reaction betrayed any objections that I voiced. It was later, after dinner when He tried it out on me. I was nervous, not knowing what to expect. The onset was a nice cool sensation, but that quickly gave way to an intense heat that spread through me and caused quite a bit of squirming. The heat and pulsating spread to my cunt as well and turned into a pretty intense orgasm. The pleasure definitely outweighing the discomfort. He followed that up with applying the nipple clamps and clothespins and then using the blade of His knife to trace and outline my body. Though, I trusted Him completely and I knew He would never harm me, the knife play brought back intense memories and emotions and reduced me to tears. His voice and His reassurances kept me present, they affirmed my safety and offered protection from the evil in my past. He has liberated me, and by doing so has deeply ensconced me in His possession and control. The impact play was less this time, some spanking, a few strokes of His belt and the whip. The intensity was in the form of the psychological impact. The marks He left were those of a healer's touch. With a surgeon's skill, he has cut away the festering wounds and emotions, leaving behind what is healthy and strong.

He is still one of very few people I can cry in front of. One year ago, I refused to let anyone see me cry at all. When the tears come now, I am a little girl for Him. I am taken to a place of trust and innocence. I can relax into His arms and bare myself to Him completely, for I know that I am loved and protected. I have never felt safer in my life, than I do in His arms. Once again, He took me farther than I ever thought was possible. He led me past limits, He fulfilled all of my needs.

Eros Ramazotti & Anastacia ~ I Belong to You

Sunday, August 10, 2008


I am feeling very restless lately. I am aware of some of the reasons for this. There have been many changes recently, some good and some bad.

My assignment has changed at work and the new unit I am in is not getting the support we need. So far, it has not been a huge problem, but it could be. I am all about trying to avoid problems, rather than trying to fix them later, so this has been a source of irritation for me.

My son is wanting to start school in a few months, I support him in this, but the school is prohibitively expensive. I am not sure we will be able to work it out. This fact has made me uncharacteristically resentful. I resent that his father is a deadbeat that has never (and never will) contribute to his support or his life in any way.

I have been having major work done around the house. It is badly needed and I am blessed to have worked out the financing to get it done. However, even with the financing, it has strained my finances once again.

I hate feeling this way. I like the status quo that usually exists in my life. I also recognize that change can be very good and that any problems are just fleeting. There is more to it though, I remember feeling this way a year ago. Those feelings are part of what prompted me to send J that first message. That restlessness, the hopefulness, needing a change. Little did I know what would come out of that message. I could have never anticipated how life changing this last year would be. He has been the catalyst for so many changes within me. He has met so many of my needs, even ones that I was not aware of. He has grounded me and enabled me to remain calm and sane through the events of the past year. He has given me new perspective and wrestled me away from some of the strongholds that held me captive. He remains my focus now, as I am finding my way through the current mind field of changes.

He is a calming force for me. Even as He has led me through my limits and helped me face my demons, I have generally been calm and rooted. I am grateful for His presence. As I was talking to a friend of mine about some of my current concerns, she told me, "you will be okay." then she said, "I always thought you were so strong and independent, but now I realize that was only a front." She is so right. It was a front, but one that I maintained for so long that I came to believe it. It is nice to have relinquished that front. It is particularly nice to be able to show my vulnerability to Him.

We will be together in two days. I am sure that is part of my restlessness as well. I need Him, I am eager for Him. I have been adrift, distractable, and a bit fragmented. I need His touch, I need to be spanked and strapped. When He is done with me, I will be better. I will be reintegrated and realigned. I also need to touch Him, I need to touch and taste and smell Him. He is my reality, He defines me. I am in need of a little redefining.

Sometimes, I ponder on our relationship. I am His sub, it is my role to serve Him and please Him. Yet, I recognize that it is my needs that are being met, that I am the one receiving so much. I know that the relationship is a give and take, but sometimes I feel I do not give enough. I feel that even if I give Him everything, it will never equal what I receive. It makes me want to give Him more, to give Him everything. The more I give, the more I heal, the stronger I become. It is that cyclical nature that creates the upward spiral that will lift me above my restlessness. I am looking forward to being with Him, I need to be near Him.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

My refuge

There is so much more to our relationship than D/s. We share a deep friendship and respect for each other. We understand each other. We share many vanilla interests. Maybe all of those things are necessary for a D/s relationship, I don't even know. I do know, that He is my friend, even ahead of being my Dominant. I believe that His friendship is timeless and notwithstanding His Domination or my submission. I do know that I could not submit to Him as deeply as I do, if I was not sure that He cared for and embraced me as my whole person. Throughout my day I think of Him and remember things I want to share with Him. I see and hear things that remind me of Him. I am stronger and more static, because of Him.

I do always feel submissive to Him. I feel safe and protected and valued by Him. I respect and admire Him more than He will ever know. I know He is not perfect, I know He is vulnerable to the same frustrations and annoyances as everyone is, but He is perfect for me. I love learning more of Him. His likes and dislikes, His background, things that shaped Him and made Him who He is. When we are apart, I miss Him. I miss His voice, His observations, His humor. I love the fact that I can be myself with Him, I can vent and rant, I can voice my opinions, I can make mistakes, I can be vulnerable. It is hard for me to be so open with anyone. I suppose I am afraid of being judged or hurt. I do not have to be afraid with Him.

I belong to Him. I need His possession of me. He told me tonight, that I am His refuge. What a perfect way to put it, He is absolutely a refuge for me. He is my shelter, my escape, my retreat. The whole me, not just the submissive me. Though, my submission to Him has become my whole. He is everything that I need, in all aspects of my being.

You and me - Plain White T's

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Walk on the wild side

When we first began to talk, I had a list of hard limits. I had no intention of crossing them, nor did I even understand the appeal that anyone saw in them. I was not judging others' kinks, I just didn't get it. Some of them involved deep fears I held concerning certain activities, other things I found to be distasteful. Even as He accepted my limits, He told me that He expected me to eventually ask Him for some of those things. I was sure that would never happen.

Over the past year, I have asked Him for almost all of those things. My fears have been abolished by my trust. I have come to crave His control over me. I desire to put myself completely in His hands, I desire to demonstrate the depth of my trust, both to Him and to myself. He has encouraged me to let my mind go, to explore and to share with Him my darkest fantasies. At times it has been difficult to share those, to even verbalize what lurks in the recesses of my mind. Yet I have, there is nothing that I can withhold from Him. Sometimes, I have only told Him in a whisper, other times I have written down my thoughts for Him. I have been afraid at times, that He might view me with disdain, that He might react from a place of propriety. Instead, He has validated me in every way, He has acknowledged my fears and embraced my trust.

I could not accept and embody my desires with anyone but Him. I understand things now. Asking for these things with Him has confirmed my trust, my belonging to Him. I have broken free from my past with His help. I have exorcised my demons by embracing the very things they threatened me with. We have yet to act on all of my requests, but I know that we will.

I have come to long for the feel of His hand on my throat. Knowing that He controls me, trusting Him with my life and knowing that I am completely safe in His hands. Rather than terrifying me, His grip offers me security.

I desire being marked by His piss, knowing that it is not degrading or humiliating, but freeing. Affirming that I belong to Him, attesting to my submission.

I am no longer afraid to open myself to including others in our play. I will accept whatever He desires. Knowing that I can do that and still be completely His.

I anxiously await being pierced. Wanting to wear His jewelry through my flesh. Signifying that I am always His.

I have confessed to Him my fantasies surrounding knife play. Wanting to feel the steel against my skin, desiring the pink trail He will leave on me as He traces designs on my body. Wanting to be His canvas to decorate as he chooses.

I desire to walk on the wild side with Him. I will follow Him as my guide. I am safe with Him wherever He takes me.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Nobody does it better...Baby, you're the best

As this week is leading up to an anniversary for us, I have been thinking back over the past year quite a lot. Forgive me if I get a bit repetitive this week, I am in a worshippy, surrendered, submissive mood. Soon, when we are together, I hope can convey that to Him.

I know I have said this before, but His knowledge of me never ceases to amaze me. From our first messages, to our first conversation, to our first time together, He did all the right things. He knew what to say to me, what to ask of me, and how to touch me. Our relationship has been the first time I have really embarked into the world of D/s. I did not know what to expect. Inside of me I knew what I wanted and needed, but I did not know how to verbalize some of it. As He told me things, explained things to me, I knew this was exactly what I desired. He verbalized what I was longing for. I sincerely hoped that I could also give Him what He desired as well.

He was very patient with me, He overlooked my inexperience, my shyness at certain things. I think He found it a little amusing. He acknowledged my efforts and my struggle at times. He led me gently, but firmly. He never rushed me. He pushed, but not too hard. He gave me assignments, things to think about and write about. In the beginning, He told me what to expect. I needed that reassurance and He knew it. He got to know me as a whole. He asked about my life and my thoughts, things that had nothing to do with BDSM. We would have long and free-ranging discussions, but then He would bring things back around to my submission. My trust and submission were there from the start, but He cultivated them and they grew.

By the time we met in person, I wanted Him so much I could not stand it. I also wanted to please Him and give myself to Him. I worried that I would not be what He expected. I worried that I would not be able to do as He asked. I was nervous on so many different levels, I could not even identify them all. He was disarming and gracious. He put me at ease, at least to the extent that was possible. He was calm and composed, His demeanor had a calming effect on me. He was unhurried, He allowed me the time I needed to comply. I felt like a servant and a princess at the same time. I was Cinderella. Things have only gotten better, He has been unwavering. He knows me and delights me, inside and out, both mentally and physically. He gives me pleasure in so many ways, I feel undeserving, I feel that I can not give Him enough in return. I am very lucky and very blessed. What I give to Him, will never adequately compensate for what I get from Him. He more than fulfills my needs and sates my desires. He makes me want to give my best to Him, He makes me want to give my all to Him. He is my desire.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Sexual Healing

It is quickly coming up on the one year anniversary of when we met online. In some ways, it seems like a lifetime ago, and in other ways, it seems like last month. Looking back, I had no inkling whatsoever that things would develop as they have. I do know that I was hooked right away. As I read His first message to me, I felt something inside, a stirring, drawing me toward Him. I did not really acknowledge it, it seemed foolish and cavalier to feel that way. I had every intention of taking things slow, but in reality, I plunged ahead quickly. Within a week, He had a hold over me. He drew out my submissiveness, He overwhelmed me. He still does.

I had intended to maintain much more control of the situation, but He controlled it from the start. He was not demanding or insistent, but He was strong and in charge. I knew that I could trust Him, He made me feel safe. It would be another two months before we actually met in person. Though, that was due to schedules and logistics, not due to willingness and desire. I had not had sex in a really long time, but I knew that I would with Him. I had never truly been dominated, but that was already happening with Him.

He has been extremely good for me. This past year with Him, has precipitated much growth and healing in me. Much of that began right away, it continues every day. Each limit I cross, each time I give Him a bit more of myself, I become stronger, more complete. In the beginning, I tried not to have any expectations. I was not sure how long this would last. I was grateful for each week that went by. Now, a year later I do expect things. I expect that I will belong to Him as long as He wants me. I expect that He will take me even farther than He already has. I expect that He has changed me forever and will always be a part of me.

Friday, August 1, 2008


Last month, my computer got hijacked. Either my son or I opened the door to an attack, while surfing the net. It was one of those nasty infiltrators that pops-up and tells you that your computer is infected (all the while knowing that it is the source of the infection). It slowly (actually not so slowly) took over my computer. It turned off my anti-virus software, turned off my automatic updates, and invited all of it's viral friends to a party on my computer. Eventually, it locked me out.

My oldest son is a computer tech. He came over and got me back into the system (twice in one week), but couldn't purge the nasty. So, I did what I always do in that case. I called Chip. He is my computer geek extraordinaire. We have known each other for about 35 years. He is great, he always comes to my rescue and treats me like a paying customer, even though he knows I am a leach. He got back to me almost right away, he picked my computer up a few days later and had it fixed by that evening. He has bailed my cyber-butt out more than once (or twice). When my hard drive crashed, he was able to locate and retrieve my files for school, as well as fix my computer.

I am probably never grateful enough. I probably don't tell him how great he is or how much I love him (and not just for fixing my computer). He is probably one of the nicest guys I know. His wife is a very lucky woman. I know, I am gushing. Yes, this is a shameless attempt to show him my gratitude. I hope he knows that I am sincere. I really try not to take advantage of him, but I know that I do. And yes, I am brazenly posting this on both blogs in order to make my point.

Thanks Chip, next time coffee is on me!

Submissive Journal Prompts - week of July 28th

~Define your limits. Explain why you can't or won't go past that point and try to think about things that were once limits but are not any longer.

It is hard to define my current limits, they have been changing so quickly. I want to reach the point of not having any limits with Him. Most of my limits have indeed fallen by the wayside, if we haven't already crossed them, we have discussed it and will soon. I will admit that I am not into certain things, blood, needles, cutting and the like. He is not into those things either. I am not sure how I would react if He requested those of me. I do not think it will come to pass, but I almost feel He could take me past those limits too.

I have become decidedly more masochistic as our relationship has progressed. I am not sure it is the pain that I crave, but the intensity and the surrender. Many of my fantasies are involving more severity of pain. He has introduced this to me in degrees and always seems to know exactly where the edge lies with me. He takes me to the edge and dangles me there, leaving me wanting more, after wondering if I could take what He just inflicted on me.

His latest focus (and now mine also) has been on public exposure and exhibitionism. This is a big test for my submission. While the scenarios are definitely hot, the actions are extremely hard for me. He has had me engage in some sexual behavior in public venues. He has directed me to several orgasms right at our table while dining out. I have sucked His cock in the hallway, outside of our hotel room door. He has pinched and played with my nipples (both through my top and reaching inside my top) in elevators and parking lots with people present. I have walked from His car to my front door with my ass partially exposed (and probably very red).

I know that He will continue pushing me towards more and more exposure. He enjoys that, it amuses Him. Despite it making me very nervous and embarrassed, I enjoy it too. I am working very hard on being able to do whatever He asks of me, wherever we are. I expect I am almost there. He does like teasing me though. He is constantly telling me things that He has thought of, that He might require of me. In addition to the tease factor, He does this to gauge my reaction and condition my mind to the possibility. I pay attention, as I know that most of His teasing is really not "just kidding."

~What would you advise someone brand new to this sort of lifestyle, when they are looking for a potential owner/dominant? Is there anything that you would have done differently?

I am not sure what my advice would be. I would have never expected our relationship to have progressed the way that it has. I was not expecting to find a Dominant. I did secretly hope that something may develop along those lines, but I thought it would be "down the road." However, He opened that door immediately. He brought up spanking and D/s and other interests that He had. While I was surprised, I responded in kind. He made His Dominance and His interests clear to me from the start. There is nothing that I would change, the rest is history.

What He didn't do was assume my submission to Him. He was respectful and pleasant, not demanding. In a way, He interviewed me (but did not interrogate), He felt me out, He spent time learning me. I suppose my advice would be the same that is given over and over. Just because someone is a Dominant, doesn't mean that they are your Dominant. You do not have to submit before you are ready (if at all). If someone demands that from you, run the other way. It is a power exchange, not a power grab. That power is not gained, until it is given. Also, be careful, do not meet with someone until you are sure who they are. Check, to make sure they are telling you the truth. Let someone know where you will be and who you will be with. Not everyone is safe and trustworthy. Yadayadayada, you've heard it all before.

I certainly didn't know what I wanted or what I needed. He has helped me establish that. Apparently, what I need is Him.

~Are you encouraged to use dirty talk during sexual play? How does it make you feel?

I am not necessarily encouraged, but sometimes I do. I always have.

It makes me feel sexual. It is freeing and sensual, it turns me on. I am not sure how anyone can have sex, while being prim and proper and quiet. He does encourage me to be loud though. He wants to hear me, He wants the neighbors to hear me. He likes to hear me cum, not little moans and whimpers, but screams. And yanno, I just have to obey.

~What homemaking skills do you have? Can you knit, crochet, sew, mend. quilt...?

Given the time and inclination, I could be quite the little happy homemaker. Though, I do need my "being out in the work world" fix too. I have many skills, just not enough time to indulge them. I sew, mend, quilt, do needlework, cook, garden, bake, craft, etc. I love doing those kinds of things. I am quite good at most of them. My grandmother was a seamstress, she taught me to sew on an old Singer treadle machine (when my feet barely reached the treadle). I can whip up any pattern and sometimes I do design my own. She also taught me to knit and crochet, the problem was, I never learned. She finally told me to give up on it. I guess I am way to uptight and my stitches seem to follow suit. I know how to do it, I just don't do it well.

I love quilts and I love to make them. I have a fabric fetish. I have boxes and drawers full of fabric, waiting to be made into quilts. I cannot resist collecting different colors and patterns, a yard here, a fat quarter there. I have enough to make quilts from now until I die, but then I always find something new, that I can't live without.

Cooking is a bit the same way. I could spend a fortune on pans, gadgets, and ingredients, if only I had a fortune to spend. I used to cook much more, when I had a family at home. I still like to cook and bake for people. But when it is just me, I am as likely to have a salad or a bowl of cereal for dinner. I am certainly capable of putting on quite a spread, from a backyard cook-out, to something much more elegant.

~"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands, but in seeing with new eyes."
~Marcel Proust

I am seeing things with "new eyes" all the time. Much of the reason my limits are falling away is that I am coming to view them differently. As I get older and experience more of life, I am viewing the world differently. I am seeing things for what they are and not what I have been told they are. My attitude is changing, I am becoming more open and fluid all the time. I am more accepting now than I ever was when I was younger. Old experiences are becoming new to me. I am constantly learning and reflecting.

I am also getting much better at seeing things from others' points of view. Our society, as a whole, is very judgemental and intolerant. People judge and condemn what they don't understand. Americans are very ethno-centric. Our melting pot mentality is that everyone should give up their individuality and melt into the same mold. Rather than embrace diversity, we should all be the same. This "I am right and you are wrong" way of thinking often even shows up in BDSM. I often encounter discussions where people feel compelled and justified to tell others they are practicing their kink all wrong. "If you do not do this (fill in the blank), then you are not a submissive (or a slave, or masochist, or whatever). If we cannot even be open minded in this lifestyle, then how can we be open minded in life.

Prompts are from Submissive Journal Prompts.