Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Flying close to the sun

"So many out of the way things had happened lately, that Alice had begun to think that very few things indeed were really impossible."
~ Alice's Adventures in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll

At the outset of this adventure, while there were many experiences that I wanted to partake in; there were also limitations and boundaries that I felt were set in stone. As some of my emotional walls were breached, that stone began to crumble and my boundaries were no longer static, but fluid. The more fluid my limits became, the more they just seemed to melt away. I am desiring, needing more and more. My mind is flush with thoughts. Thoughts that are flowing, racing with such force that I cannot process or retain all of them.

They are thoughts of Him, of what I want to surrender to Him, of what I want to do for Him. These thoughts have taken on a life of their own, an overwhelming presence in my existence, His presence. His essence has overtaken me, enveloped me. My cravings and my emotions have been spiraling upward. I am caught in a vortex that is lifting me above my limits. At times, I feel I am rising to dangerous heights and counting entirely on Him to keep me grounded. Without Him, I fear I would follow the path and the folly of Icarus and fly too close to the sun. My thoughts and feelings have become extremely carnal; I hunger and ache to be liberated by my surrender to Him. By relinquishing my will to Him, my appetites and passions have unfurled before me. Facing and acknowledging these dark desires and yearnings has both freed me and endangered me. Freed me to consider all the possibilities, left me in danger of being lost in my greed.

He holds me in His hands, I trust Him to take me to new heights, while preventing me from burning myself up. I am playing with fire, wanting to experience the heat and the flame, knowing that He will help me rise from the ashes.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Who are you?

"Who are you?" said the Caterpillar. This was not an encouraging opening for conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, "I - I hardly know sir, just at the present - at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."
~Alice's Adventures in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll

This is a question that I have been struggling with. Who am I? Though lately, this really hasn't been a struggle, I am finding out who I am, while undergoing a rapid transformation. He has been aiding me, assisting in the process, this is because He has always known me better than I know myself. But maybe that is changing, I am on a journey of self discovery. I am allowing myself to be who I am. I am not censoring or rejecting my thoughts and desires, I have been embracing them. I have also been surprised, not at the things I am willing to do, but at the things that I truly desire to do. This shift in the paradigm that defines me, has left me marveling, wondering, and trying to figure out the cause, as well as the process.

The process is a spiritual one, determining what drives me, motivates me, what I need for fulfillment and completion. Is this new found path of enlightenment incongruent with my spiritual beliefs? No, I haven't found it to be. Though some of these thoughts and desires may have been previously rejected, out of morality imposed by society, I find that is not my morality. Nothing I am considering, wanting, is harmful or dangerous to anyone, especially not to me. Knowing and accepting myself for who I am can only facilitate my accepting and comprehending others. I believe that this facet of myself has existed all along, awaiting validation and affirmation, in order to become a more influential presence in the complexity that is me.

I Am That Which I Seek

I am that which I seek.
I am the seer, the known and unknown. The lover, the light, the bliss.
I am the unconditional one beyond judgement, scorn or criticism.
I am the whole self, filled with the love of a thousand lives and the wisdom of the ages.
I am the water that shines, cleans, flows through and surrenders.
I am the earth that holds all of us upon its glorious strength.
I am the wind that carries the voice of God - sometimes as a profit, often as a whisper.
I am the light of my soul and the connection to all souls.
I am the truth, for I have already lived the lies and won my freedom from them long ago.
And while at times I may forget and scan the periphery for a sign of me,
When I am quiet, when I am free, I remember, I am that which I seek.
~ Jenifer Shapiro

And, as I have always been a quote whore, I will allow the words of others to emphasize what I am trying to say.

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
~ Viktor E. Frankl

We cannot change anything unless we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate. it oppresses.
~ Carl Jung

Any human anywhere will blossom into a hundred unexpected talents and capacities simply by being given the opportunity to do so.
~ Doris Lessing

This actual world of what is knowable, in which we are and which is in us, remains both the material and the limit of our consideration.
~ Arthur Schopenhauer

Sunday, March 16, 2008


"Well," thought Alice to herself, "after such a fall as this, I shall think nothing of tumbling down stairs!"
~ Alice's Adventures in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll

My submission and my mindset have been evolving from the beginning of our relationship. As my trust in Him deepened, my submission became surrender. Early limitations have now become desires. I only want to explore and cross these limits with Him, not only for Him, but for myself as well. I want to experience the freedom of completely surrendering to Him. The freedom of conquering my fears and anxieties.

This is not new, for several months we have discussed certain activities, desires, and scenarios. I had already stated my willingness and desire for these things to happen. What is new is my mindset. My desires for these things are increasing, while my fears are decreasing. Before, I was willing, I knew I would do my best to comply and I was pretty sure that I would be able to override my fears. Now, I truly desire that these things come to pass, I still feel some anxiety over it, but more of an excitement, anticipating the unknown, less of a fear.

It is still the surrender that I desire, more than the particular activities. Knowing that there is nothing I will deny Him. Knowing that my participation will fulfill me and gratify me in a way I have not known. Whether it is exploring another woman with Him, exposing myself in public at His direction, kneeling before Him for a golden shower, or having my nipples pierced to receive His rings, I desire all of these things. I am excitedly, albeit nervously, anticipating them.

It is a bit like giving birth (only less hormones and no stretch marks). You know it will hurt, it won't be easy, it will change your life forever, but despite being a little scared, you are sure it is what you want and you are anxiously anticipating the event. Is that an over-simplification, a poor analogy? Possibly, but that is how I feel. The longer I carry these thoughts in my mind, the more they develop and grow and the more I anticipate the events. Gee, I wonder where that will leave me nine months from now.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Finding my way

“I could tell you my adventures - beginning from this morning,” said Alice a little timidly:
“but it’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then”
~Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll

I stumbled into the rabbit hole almost seven months ago. When I say I stumbled, I mean I discovered it unexpectedly. Although, it wasn’t a total surprise, because I had curiously peeked into this tunnel many times in my adult life. I've always had secret desires, leanings toward submission. I viewed these leanings as abnormal; I had never had a partner that seemed capable or willing to fulfill this need in me. But, that would be going back yesterday and I was a different person then.

I should not say I stumbled onto this path, He led and I deliberately followed. I did not know what to expect, or where it would take me. My expectations of what I was entering into certainly never encompassed the depth or breadth of what the relationship has become. I followed because I trusted Him. Every ounce of me, to my very core, trusted Him. He has never caused me one bit of regret, or betrayed that trust in any way. I came to realize that I needed Him, I needed to surrender to Him. Since then, I have looked back only once, back to an old life and old dreams. That backward look caused me to face a moment of doubt; I strayed from the path, but only temporarily. I took a detour, but realized it led me backwards, to a place that I didn't need to be. Luckily, I found my way back to this wonderland path.

The beginning of my journey is recorded, in part, here. But since I have escaped from the house of cards with my head still intact, I will share the rest of my adventures on this site.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Save Me From Myself - Christina Aguilera

"Save Me From Myself"

It's not so easy loving me
It gets so complicated
All the things you've gotta be
Everything's changin
But you're the truth
I'm amazed by all your patience
Everything I put you through

When I'm about to fall
Somehow you're always waiting
With your open arms to catch me
You're gonna save me from myself
From myself, yes
You're gonna save me from myself

My love is tainted by your touch
Cuz some guys have shown me aces
But you've got that royal flush
I know it's crazy everyday
Well tomorrow may be shaky
But you never turn away

Don't ask me why I'm cryin
Cuz when I start to crumble
You know how to keep me smilin
You always save me from myself
From myself, myself
You're gonna save me from myself

I know it's hard, it's hard
But you've broken all my walls
You've been my strength so, strong

And don't ask me why I love you
It's obvious your tenderness
Is what I need to make me
A better woman to myself
To myself, myself
You're gonna save me from myself