Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Answer ~ Sarah McLachlan

I will be the answer at the end of the line
I will be there for you while you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance if you cant look down
If it takes my whole life I wont break I wont bend
It'll all be worth it worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
that I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
you'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight
If it takes a whole life I wont break I wont bend
It'll all be worth it worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
And when the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently into morning for the night has been unkind.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

The beginning

It has been over two years since we began this journey. Sometimes I wonder, if I knew what lay ahead for us, if I would have embarked on it at all. Not that I have any regrets, quite the opposite. This journey has been wonderful, I embrace it in every way. Though, I think it would have scared me then, it did scare me then. I was never afraid of J, I was afraid of myself. I was afraid to be open and vulnerable and fully connected. Lately, I have been thinking back to the beginning, this is some of what I recall.

When I opened the door and our eyes met for the first time, I could barely breathe. It was a combination of anticipation, worry that I would not be what He expected, fear of the unknown and overwhelming desire. His eyes pierced me, they looked inside of me, into my soul. They saw my fears and desires. He saw me for who I was, all my dirty little secrets, and He accepted me. It was strange, meeting Him for the first time in person. We had never seen each other, except in pictures, yet there was already a deep bond that had formed. J impressed me from the very first message we exchanged. He is intelligent, funny, honest and well-spoken. He was also very much in control, of Himself and eventually of me. As He kissed me and took my hand, He led me to want to give everything to Him. That desire has never changed.

I have always been a very guarded person. I learned early on, that sharing certain things with people invites ridicule and abuse. There were some things I never told anyone, even people I trusted. J was different, I was compelled to share everything with Him. Some things I told Him, even having convinced myself that He would turn and walk away from me after hearing them. He never did, He never judged, He understood. Some things it seemed if He already knew, or at least suspected. He was my safe harbor, always calm and steady, with Him I was protected. Experiencing Him, and the way that He is, made me think and reflect. I reflected and analyzed how I reacted and interacted and why. I dissected my guilt and my shame, to see if it was warranted. He validated me, He made me acceptable, He restored me. I have never met another man like Him. If I were to construct an exceptional, uncommon human being, I could do no better than J. He is patient and respectful, but He is also strong and firm. He is comfortable with Himself, which makes others comfortable with Him. Out of His strength and confidence, He demonstrates tenderness and compassion. He understands, connects and cares for people. He is not afraid to be genuine or to express a dissenting opinion.

I feel very honored and lucky to know Him and love Him. I feel particularly lucky to have Him love me in return.