I am consumed with my need for Him. I know that we could have just been together and my need and desire would not have abated. I use to be patient, His visits, doled out over the weeks would sate me, satisfy me, but no more. I am in a constant state of hunger for Him, for what He offers me. He is very generous, He makes the trip here often, when He is here I am content, fulfilled, I am in heaven. It has not been long since He was here, in my home, in my bed and yet I am delirious with need. So many things I want and long for, all of the things we engage in swirl through my mind, my memory. Yet I dwell mostly on two things, being spanked and feeling Him fuck my mouth.
Those are the things where I so intensely feel His control over me. They accentuate my submission, my surrender to Him. To me they are loving acts, He is always loving and caring towards me. I want the intensity, the severity, I want to be marked and taken and used. I want to struggle with the emotions and also the pain. I want to hear His voice reassuring me, comforting me, even as He tells me He is going to mark me more. I want Him to ignore my tears and my pleas, I want Him to take me farther than I have gone. I want to break through the other side of the pain. I want to lose focus on everything but His voice, His reassurances, His caresses and the strokes He keeps administering. My thoughts of this make my cunt drip and pulse for Him. My desire swells and overtakes me. My mouth waters for His cock, hard from marking me.
I fantasize about all variations of this. I recall the last time He was here. The marks He left, the mixing of the pain and pleasure. My cunt soaked the bed as much as my tears. I clung to His voice and His gentle touches as I succumbed to His hand, the brush, His belt and the cane. As the pain overtook me, so did the desire, the burning inside of me. Not from the marks, but from lust and the need that filled my cunt and my belly. I was His and I knew He would never harm me, but I needed Him to hurt me. I needed Him to do what He wanted with me, not what I wanted. Except it was what I wanted, I wanted my complete lack of control, knowing that I gave that control to Him.
I need that again, more than ever. I need to discover that I have no boundaries, no limits. Only J may determine my limits. He know my limitations better than I do myself. While I tend to think my emotional limitations are much farther than they are, I also know that I feel my physical limitations are are much less than where they actually lay. I want Him to take me to the edge of my ability, I want to go to the brink with Him. He knows me so well, He can seize control of my mind. He can manipulate my reactions, my emotions and my desires. Not manipulate in a bad way, but in a very dominant way. His presence and control swallow me up, He overwhelms me and yet I know I am completely cherished and valued by Him. In fact His control, His efforts affirm that for me. I long and hunger for this with trepidation. I know it will be difficult, I know I will regret my own desires before it is over. I also know that I need it. I am not a masochist, it is about submitting, surrendering. Yet there is a masochistic streak within me, one that longs to awaken and unleash the sadist in Him. I don't think He really desires my pain, but He desires to fill me with sensation. He wants to fill me to over-flowing, to fan the ember inside me that desires this into a raging fire. I want to be consumed by the flames. I want to rise from those ashes, submitted, surrendered and totally His.