Sunday, June 5, 2011

The Change and the Constant

I do not write, because I don't know how to begin. Thoughts and images race through my head and then are gone. I cannot grab and hold them quickly enough to keep them and write them down. I am stretched and pulled in all different directions. I would like to pass the blame along, but I can only blame myself. The only constant, focused thought in my life anymore is J. My need, my desire, my adoration, my love and my submission for him is always there and always defined. However, even that I do not execute very well anymore.

I am spread thin, trying to do to much for too many. My energies and efforts are spread so thin anymore, that nothing is done well, everything just slips right through the fabric of my intent. Bits and pieces of me are floating so far out there I can't even reach them to pull them back in. Yet this has become the norm for me. I have accepted it too well. I am too used to the chaos and the loose ends that I have retreated into just allowing it to happen. Then I think about J, I think about how I want to be for Him, about what He deserves. I think about how good I used to be at juggling things and multi-tasking. Where has that organization gone?

I lack concentration and initiative. What came first, the chicken or the egg? I am trying to regroup, to step back and begin again. I have to take baby steps. I have to become comfortable and learn how to work with this body and mind of mine that is changing. I am figuring out how to adjust to a new endurance level and a new mind that flits and forgets. The hardest part is the fact that I have little patience with stupid people, and now I am becoming one. I ponder how I will feel and who I will be when this is all done and over with. When my hormones quit fluctuating, exactly where will they be? I am amazed to say I miss the flow of blood, which now occurs once in a blue moon. I remember how I hated it. It creates a slow burn in me when doctors attribute everything to "the change", eight years ago my cancer symptoms were written off to that. Yet I do the same thing myself. At least I do right after I wonder if I am losing my mind.

One thing that has developed, which I am not sure if it is a blessing or a curse, is I have become an empath. I hesitate to write those words, it makes me sound crazy and out of touch with reality. It has been a scary path and it took me a long time to figure it out. Sometimes, when I meet people, or speak to them or make eye contact, or even am just in the room with them, I am flooded with all of their feelings and fears and emotions. This has always happened to a certain extent, but it has blossomed and grown. I am still learning how to deal with it, control it and block it when I need to. Often it is a gift, but I work with sex offenders and the mentally ill. Sometimes the flash of awareness and insight is disturbing and frightening. All too often I want to fix what I am feeling, fix it for me and fix it for them. I am slowly applying filters and finding that, while I cannot really control it, I can control the effects on me.

J is my solace. When we are together and He puts His arms around me, I feel like He is gathering me up. He is summoning all the molecules of me that are floating all over the Universe. He is calling them all to Him and He is putting me back together. With Him I am centered, calm and protected. I am able to relax and focus. He anchors me and accepts me and guides me. I have never known trust like this, I never doubt Him or His intentions. With Him I am always safe and cared for, it makes me want to give Him everything. The funny thing is, I don't have to. How lucky and blessed and undeserving I am to have Him in my life. How happy I am to be His.