Wednesday, December 31, 2008
2008 presented me with many challenges as well, but I have survived and persevered. I have cried and empathized and commiserated with many friends (both in person and on the blogs), I am not the only one who has faced adversity. J has provided me with strength and with opportunities for growth in all manner of things. He has been a constant source of love and caring. I am grateful for all He gives to me and all the we share.
Thank you J for every thing. I hope to provide you with much pleasure and service throughout 2009 and as long as the universe allows.
Happy New Year all.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Knowing my past and my family history (even prior to my existence) has given me a sense of connectedness and belonging. As a child, I loved stories about my parents, grandparents and ancestors. I wanted to know the whole story, where we came from and who we were. Often those stories contained gaps, either things not remembered or things not told. And even more of those stories were a bit fictionalized, my father glossed over and trivialized the painful and difficult times. My mother didn't want to recount the struggles (or maybe didn't want to remember them). That left my imagination to fill in the gaps, to create my own version of what might have been.
I have always read, a lot. I have also had a love of movies. Certain books and movies stirred and fueled my imagination. When my mother talked of being poor and living during the Depression, I filled in the details from A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. I didn't confuse fiction with reality, but it gave me a sense of how things were. When my father talked of growing up in Minnesota on a farm, it brought to mind Walnut Grove of the Little House series. To a greater degree, I yearned for more exotic. I wondered about our European roots, what life had been like in the Old Country. That was where accuracy came to matter less. It was the tradition that I craved. When I first saw Fiddler on the Roof, I wondered if there were any Russian Jews in our ancestry. (No there were not, but that didn't stop me from thinking.) I wondered what it would have been like to have lived with that sense of ritual. No matter that we weren't Jewish, or that the story was fictionalized and turned into a musical, I was sure that somewhere in history we shared a similarity.
Of course, when I saw Gone With the Wind, I wanted our history to be peppered with plantations and southern belles. Though, I think that I really just wanted to have Rhett Butler carry me up the stairs to the bedroom. I had a need to be dominated, even then. I identified much more with feisty Scarlett, than gracious Melanie.
Sometimes, we can be mired in our history and our tradition. Sometimes, we forget why we do the things we do. As Tevya says; "Because of our traditons, we've kept our balance for many, many years. We have traditions for everything. How to sleep. How to eat. How to work. How to wear clothes. For instance, we always keep our heads covered and always wear a little prayer shawl. This shows our constant devotion to God. You may ask, how did this tradtion get started? I'll tell you. I don't know. But it's a tradtition, and because of our traditions, everyone of us knows who he is and what God expects him to do."
Over the years, I have gone from blindly following traditions and beliefs, to questioning it all. That hasn't always led me to abandon my traditions and beliefs, sometimes it has confirmed to me the reasons for it all. Other times, it has showed me the error of things, the perpetuation of the baseless myths. I have evolved, as have my children (hopefully), by defining and refining what I believe and what I do. There are things I have let go of and there are things I have embraced.
Before you all ask, where is the kink and the sex in this? Bear with me, I am getting there. All of those rituals and beliefs have given me a sense of belonging, it became my identity. It kept me balanced. Much like what my submission does now. That submission, our relationship, has not taken the place of those rituals and beliefs, but it has enhanced them. My submission to J gives me a sense of identity. It is a part of me, just as important as all of those other parts of me. From it, I derive a feeling of belonging, a sense of security. We have developed our own ritual, we have achieved our own balance. My role, my service to Him keeps me grounded, it's what I do. My relationship to J, has also helped me see my relationship in the Universe.
Okay, so there really isn't any kink and sex in this one. Just some rambling thoughts pulled from my mind that is clouded by holiday excess. If you've read this far, Bless you! I warn you though, the rest is really off on a tangent. I think I have been away from school for way too long. I need to win the lottery, or rob a bank, and get my ass back in a classroom. At this point, that is the only way I will do it, because, since I have been paying my son's tuition, there is nothing left over for mine. So indulge me and either quit reading now, or accept the fact that my sex blog post has turned into a really bad, school paper. But this is the route that my thoughts took me. You know that you can't get a direct, non-stop flight anywhere anymore. Think of this as your lay-over in Chicago (and know that you might be snowed in).
I doubt that many of you are familiar with Urie Bronfenbrenner's model of child development and human ecology. Forgive me as I digress, but this is how I have visualized this in my mind.
He sees each individual as a series of ever widening, concentric circles. In the center is the individual's biological nature, our DNA, genetics, our race, our nationality, and so on. The next circle is our immediate environment, our immediate family, our home, possessions, friends, peers. Surrounding that is our social and economic context, school, work, community, economic circumstance. The outer circle is the cultural context, including cultural and societal influences. These spheres of influence interact from both directions, all of the circles influencing the individual and the individual influencing the surrounding spheres. Bronfenbrenner later renamed the circles with the terms: microsystem, mesosystem, exosystem and macrosystem, as he expanded his theory to human ecology, including adults as well as children.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Now, let me just take a minute here to say, I think He knows me better than anyone. I am not really a jewelry and perfume kind of girl. Not that those things aren't great, I would have been grateful for that too, but those aren't the things that blow my skirt up (so to speak). I am a bibliophile. I LOVE books. I especially love books about words, language, grammar, punctuation, and writing. One of my all time favorites is Eats, Shoots and Leaves by Lynne Truss. I just have a thing for language and the written word. So, as I unwrapped the gift (I know, it isn't Christmas yet), I was absolutely thrilled to find The New Well-Tempered Sentence and The Deluxe Transitive Vampire. For me, books are every bit as personal as lingerie would be.
It may sound strange, but this is the most perfect and the most romantic gift I have ever received. It shows me how well He knows me and it reflects the thought He put into it. See how easy I am to please? Just know me well enough to chose the perfect gift. I am assuming that He knew it was the perfect gift, but no matter really. Even if He wasn't sure, it is perfect and He bought it. I have to say that He is the most thoughtful man I have ever known. I am still smiling.
Though, the best gift will be when He is here next week (barring any work, home or meteorological disasters).
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
At one time, I was hopeful about what might be. He seemed familiar, comfortable. I mistakenly confused comfort with familiarity. Things were familiar because they mimicked a destructive relationship I had been in. He saw me for someone he could shape me into, he did not accept me for who I was. I mistook demands and control for dominance. He claimed he admired my strength, yet he was resentful when my strength opposed him. His messages now, range from sad, to angry, to hopeful. The past year has been hard and difficult for him, I wish I could be a friend to him, but I can't. He does not want my friendship, he wants more. I am sad, because I see how he has isolated himself from people who could be supportive, including me. Everything must be on his own terms, so my silence remains as my thoughts go out to him.
The whole thing has made me see how self-destructive we can be. We try and control things rather than accept things. We hold onto the familiar, even when it keeps us from growing. We listen to words, even when actions contradict them. Life is hard, change is even harder. We want others to change, so we can stay the same. It is easy to miss the nuances of relationship. The familiar seems comfortable, when it is actually stagnating. Trust cannot be given until it is earned. Love and caring stem from acceptance, growth can't occur until we accept what is.
I am grateful for J. He has helped me learn these truths. He accepted me for who I was, even as He embraced and encouraged my growth. He has always been worthy of my trust and He has helped me trust myself again. I am safe with Him, on a level that I have not experienced before. He is the only person that I have ever been able to fully reveal myself to, without fear of judgement or retribution. He has enabled my submission, by teaching me what dominance is.
Monday, December 22, 2008
As if my own desires and proclivities don't provide me with enough masturbatory fodder, He has been kind enough to send me the written details of what He has planned. It is a message that I have reread numerous times this past week. His writing and descriptions put my own words to shame, He has as much mastery over the written word, as He does over me. Each time I have read His complete and descriptive account, I have felt the heat and the wetness, oozing from my cunt and soaking my panties. This last time, I realized I was trembling as I slid my hand down my pants to my very hard and sensitive clit.
The bottom line (no pun intended) is that I need Him to hurt me. I need Him to spank me and whip me, ignoring my pleas and sobs. I want to be pushed over the edge, to where I have completely lost control and totally surrendered to Him. I will admit that the prospect scares me (just a little), but I also do not fear the end result. I lust for His extreme, excessive, and uncompromising domination and use of me.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
I have been wanting and asking for intensity, severity and pain. I want my limits pushed, my submission tested. I need to be consumed and overwhelmed by Him. I have no doubt that He will happily and eagerly fulfill my desires. I am awaiting it with breathless anticipation and a bit of anxiety. I am not afraid, I have no fear with Him. I am safe with Him, my trust is complete, as is my submission to Him. Only with Him, can I let myself go and give into my desires. He accepts me, both as an individual and as His possession. I am hopeful that I will begin the New Year, surrendered, marked and owned by Him.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
The distance does serve to make me more appreciative of our time together. My desire for Him never wanes and is often quite controlling in itself. When we were talking the other day, I mentioned my desires. I told Him how much I yearned to serve Him, I referred to the things that I would like to do to Him and for Him. He asked me to tell Him, to describe it, and then He told me...You do know that my cock is in my hand now, don't you? That comment did it for me, it immediately turned me on, even more than I already was. An incredible yearning and desire for His cock washed over me. I wanted to see Him masturbate, I wanted to wrap my hand around His cock. I love how it feels, I love seeing it, I love the heat and the firmness of His erection in my hand.
I love any and all interaction I get with His cock. I love the feeling of it pressed against me, through His pants, when we embrace. I love feeling it under me as I lay over His lap for a spanking. I love unzipping His pants to see it spring free, right before I grasp it with my hand. I love kneeling before Him to slide my mouth down the length of His shaft. I love feeling it thrusting into my mouth, slamming into the back of my throat, making me gag. I love feeling it slip into my wet slit. smooth and hard and teasing, making me push against it, thrust towards it, needing to be filled with it.
I am enthralled by it, obsessed by it. I fantasize about it. I fantasize about slipping into a dark alley, so I can kneel and take it in my mouth right then. I fantasize about following Him into a public bathroom, or a stairwell, only to be pushed against the wall and feel it sliding into me. I fantasize about straddling Him on a park bench, in a forgotten corner of a park. I may be submissive, but I am not a patient girl. I do not want to wait for His cock, especially when I have not seen Him for awhile. I want His cock right then! I know He gets amused when I beg Him, down on my knees, please don't make me wait, I need to suck your cock right now. We have shared many late night dinners, because my hunger for His cock was greater than my hunger for any food.
This time apart, this last period of waiting, has whittled away at my patience even more. My desire for service to Him, combined with my desire for Him, has me needing His cock more than ever. My cunt aches for it, my hand is empty without it, my mouth salivates for it. I am in heat, again.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
~Service submissive vs. Housekeeper. What’s the difference between drudgery and service? What makes your service different than what you can pay for?
We are not 24/7, so this does not really pertain to us, though I do like to offer Him service (both sexual and otherwise) when we are together. I will answer this from that perspective. The service that I offer Him (and would love to offer Him) comes from my love for Him and my desire to please Him, not out of duty or obligation.
I do know that in a 24/7 relationship, service can possibly become wearing or mundane. I think that the answer would still be the same, the key would be my attitude. Especially understanding, as I do, how stressful and busy His life can be, I feel it would be even more important to provide Him with a refuge from His demands. To make sure that my submission and service were not another demand, but were available for His comfort and a respite from the stresses He faces on a daily basis. When it comes to domestic service, I like to challenge myself to pay attention to details that I know will be pleasing to the other person. Including everything from meal preparation to having their clothes pressed a certain way or even how the bed is made. Keeping the other person's preferences in mind while completing those tasks.
~How do you view ‘fear’?
This has changed for me over my lifetime. There was a time in my life when I feared actual physical harm. I once feared not being there for my children when they needed me. The boys are adults now, and though they still might need me at times, they can take care of themselves.
J has helped me overcome much of my fear. Though, there are still times I may feel it, due to remembering bad situations, I know that I am now safe and cared for. I may worry, at times, about people I care for, that is different from fear. I do have a fear of heights and a fear of needles, but I do not let them become irrational, I can control those fears.
~What is the one thing you never thought you would do, and how did you feel when you accomplished it? Was it something you did for yourself, or for someone else?
I am not sure of my answer to this. Perhaps it is being able to heal from and overcome the abuse of my past. For that matter, I never envisioned myself in a loving relationship again. I had been very careful to keep people at arm's length and to keep my feelings to myself. When I met J, things were very different. He was very different from other men I had known. He seemed to know me so well, I just knew that I could trust Him. I still never planned on loving Him, but I couldn't help it.
I don't know if I view this as an accomplishment or just healing. I have been surprised by the progression of things and very happy. I do honestly feel that I was fated to be in this relationship with J. I am very content with things. I don't know that I did this for anyone. I feel it was more something J did for me, encouraging me to be open and allowing me to trust again. Being the man that He is, He made things safe for me again.
Friday, December 5, 2008
In my past relationships, I always held tightly onto control. Not the control of the relationships, but the control of myself. Thinking about releasing that control, left me with the fear of spinning out of control. That of course is the difference. I am not, now, out of control, I am in His control. I am still safe, I feel very secure and I am quite comfortable being in His control. In fact, anymore, I live for that control. I am not talking about slavery or micro-management, I know that both of those things can define a dynamic, just not ours. My entire being responds to Him, regardless if I am reading His words, hearing His voice or He is here in person. I love the feeling of His control over me. I love being immersed in His power, I love letting go to Him.
His control is a force which envelops me. A suggestion or directive elicits an immediate physical response from my body. Even when He is not here, I can feel His presence, His hands on me. I am mentally bound by Him and to Him. I am His possession, that is my choice. Yet it is beyond a simple act of choosing, it is a compulsion. That component, my surrender to Him, is a part of me, it is ingrained in me. It has been easy to slip into this role and it is impossible to just relinquish it. I need Him, I do not want to take the control back, nor could I ever give it to someone else. I belong to Him and even if He should ever walk away, I would still belong to Him.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
Today I was reading David's blog and he referred to the Way Back Machine. I was very intrigued and felt a flicker of hope. I entered in my old URL and a message came up saying that no pages were found. However, I clicked on another link that said to search for pages and some of that former blog came up. I was only able to retrieve five of my posts, but even being able to see those pages of my original blog was a joy. I have cut and pasted those posts onto my resurrected Growth and Decline. You can read them there. Looking over them again, I can see how much I have grown and changed in the past year. I also revisited accounts of some of my earlier times with J, those posts evoked some wonderful memories. It makes me love Him and desire Him that much more. It also serves to anticipate all that we have yet to explore with each other.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Happy Thanksgiving to all of you kinksters!
Sunday, November 23, 2008
I recently came across this video and realized it was the perfect demonstration of what He does to me. In fact, there are times when I can actually feel His presence spreading over me, smoothing out the ripples in my life.
Now, if I could only get a spanking...
Saturday, November 22, 2008
"When one admits that nothing is certain one must, I think, also admit that some things are much more nearly certain than others."
"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts."
I came to realize this week that uncertainty is just part of life. I also realized that I am much more certain of J, than I am of myself. For many years, I did not trust myself (nor anyone else), I had made some big mistakes in my life that had rocked my confidence. J has returned that trust to me. He has accompanied me on a journey of exploration and self-actualization. I once again trust my instincts and I also trust Him. So, the insight that I have gained, is that I will never figure it all out. I continue to think and reflect on my experiences and my thoughts, but I do not have to know all the whys and the wherefores. He has freed me to indulge in my examination and exploration of my thoughts and my fantasies. It becomes even more revealing to me, when He explores my mind. J is the only person that I have ever been able to be completely open with. In fact, I am compelled to be open and honest with Him. The insight He gains from that is never used to pressure me or judge me, only to know me and understand me. He is more accepting of me, than I am of myself. I have revealed my unacceptable thoughts and desires to Him and He is still here. He still loves me and wants me, even when I struggle to love myself.
My self-analysis and the judgements I have made based on that, have been largely unnecessary. While my reflections and my observations continue, I can step back and wait to see where all of this will take us. The favor and the love that He bestows upon me, allow me to continue to grow, trust and explore. I am not alone in this, He is my guide and my trailblazer. He scouts out the path ahead, making sure it is safe, before leading me down this uncharted path. The one thing I am certain of is that I will be fine.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
My thoughts and my desires continue to swirl around me and I find myself grasping little pieces of understanding from this cloud of ideas. Much of this is confusing to me, these ideas, feelings and desires are emanating from within me, yet I cannot grasp the concept as a whole. Part of me remains too rooted in the past, too conditioned, to let go and fully experience this present. Though, I also realize that this is the key. I need to just be, to accept and experience what is occurring. I am not sure my actual desire is so much for the pain, as it is for what will result from the administration and experiencing pain. I crave being used and objectified, my goal is not to be oppressed, but to be freed. My physical self is an object, nothing more, perhaps the pain and the use that I desire for my physical self is really a means to free my spiritual self. This is certainly not a new concept. For centuries, in all manor of religions and spiritualities, people have used pain to achieve transcendence.
But it is more than the pain I am craving, it is the vulnerability, the surrender. I want to completely give myself to Him. I want to let go, I want to be emptied of my own will, I want to become a vessel that fulfills His desires. We have shared this before, this ultimate exchange that I need. In those moments, when I have been able to unconditionally yield all of myself to Him, I felt myself filled with His energy, as my own power drained out of me. I have this vague image of being sacrificed on His altar. I came across a quote from Socrates: "Every pleasure or pain has a sort of rivet with which it fastens the soul to the body and pins it down and makes it corporeal, accepting as true whatever the body certifies." I want to remove that rivet, I want to break free from the body and experience a different truth.
I suppose that part of my struggle has been with classifying my desires into good or bad. The baggage from my past teaches good versus evil. Maybe there is no good or evil, maybe it is all in the context or the intent. I have been taught that certain things are bad or taboo, but what if they are just things, just acts, no classification. If I remove the restrictions of those labels, does that make everything that could occur between us acceptable? I try not to pass judgement on others, if their actions do not produce harm to anyone else, so why should I impose judgement on myself? I do believe that, at times, guilt has a purpose and a place. That said, I need to figure out when guilt should be heeded and when guilt is simply a restrictive emotion. I certainly do not feel guilt over all that we do, I have found great joy and contentment in our relationship. It is those recent thoughts and yearnings that have caused me conflict. I sometimes feel I am being lured over to the dark side. I am not ready or willing to share all of my innermost thoughts here, just believe me when I say that some of them shock and even repel me. So it is this duality within me that I am trying to resolve.
I also must add that it is the closeness and the depth of trust in my relationship with J that has brought me to this point of self-exploration. He has revealed my needs and my nature to me. He has enabled me to be truthful with Him and with myself. He has encouraged me to embrace my desires and my sexuality. Previously, I would have repressed and ignored "unacceptable" thoughts and desires. I did not trust myself, or anyone else, enough to admit or discuss my needs or fantasies. He has changed all of that, He has transformed me into a more thoughtful, accepting and reflective individual. I have grown and evolved under His guidance. I recognize that my journey is not a solitary one. This conflict has not arisen from any coersion or influence on His part, it has developed out of my own desires. Though, my greatest desire is to overcome any guilt or limitations that may hinder our path.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Your presence, as readers, enhances this blog. This is your day! I know you're out there. Come on, make my day!
Monday, November 10, 2008
This past week, being sick, I have just moved through a fog. I went to work, because I had to. I did accomplish a few mindless tasks at home, laundry, dishes, but to do more than that, I kept losing my place. I spent time sitting at the computer, but mostly just staring at the screen. I did think a lot about J, I thought about sitting at his feet with my head in his lap. That thought was comforting and reassuring to me. As of now, however, the fog is clearing and I am feeling floaty and a little disembodied, not unlike sub-space. Maybe that is why, today, I am tremendously lustful. And I don't just want sex, I want to be hurt. I want to be spanked, caned and whipped, but I also want to be caressed, rubbed and teased. I yearn to be used, objectified and humiliated. I don't even know why, that is not our usual form of play, but, tonight, I am feeling masochistic and I want Him to be sadistic with me. It is a moot point right now, since we are not together and no play is going to occur. I also know that, in reality, one good, hard strike of the cane might end my masochistic streak.
I am not a masochist. In fact, when I read about someone being whipped until they are bleeding, or being punched, or being cut, or playing with needles, I cringe. Yet, there is a part of my mind that occasionally slips into dark crevasses of desire. Perhaps it is a morbid curiosity, or maybe it is unspoken desire that I usually suppress and deny. Those thoughts may be buried and hidden, but they are there nonetheless. Before I knew J, I never would have allowed them to surface at all. Even now, it is rare, but in this fog, in this floaty state of mind they are drifting up to consciousness. I am safe with J. He keeps me safe, even from my own thoughts and inclinations. There are things I desire with Him, that would repulse me with anyone else. We connect on such a deep level, He understands things about me that I do not understand myself. He is able to shine light into those crevasses, He is giving a voice to my darkest thoughts. I am not even sure if they are wrong or if I have just been taught they are wrong. I do know that thoughts and fantasies do not have to be acted on. I also know that He has freed me to explore those thoughts safely and to discover the difference.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
My co-worker will absolutely not keep his yap shut. Last Friday he was talking about guns. He stated that every home should have one. He said that gun owners should be able to have assault weapons, because, someday, we may have to once again form militias and defend ourselves against the government (scary, huh). I ignored the last part of his diatribe (I mean, honestly, how do you even respond to that?) and I told him that I am not opposed to gun ownership, if the owner is responsible and can make sure no accidents will happen (is that even possible?). I told him that my ex-husband owned guns (he was a cop, for crying out loud) and he offered me one for protection when we split. I declined, knowing that I would be a single, working mother with boys at home. I know how to shoot, I am an excellent marksman, my boys know how to shoot, but I would never have had a gun at home with the boys. Too much of an equation for disaster, especially when they were teenagers. He responded by telling me that my problem was making guns taboo. If I had just taken the time to teach them proper safety and respect, it would have been fine. I went off! I told him that he had no clue and no right to tell me how to parent my children, especially considering that he has never raised children (thank God his DNA has not been passed on). I told him that I would absolutely refuse to discuss any political or controversial topics with him ever again. I told him that I find his views offensive, and though I am not opposed to healthy debate, arguing with him is toxic.
Last week, I commented on a discussion thread in Fetlife. Apparently, I stepped on some one's toes, because he came at me with a vengeance. Somehow, (okay, with my help) the thread spread to other discussion groups and took on a life of its own. I am ashamed to admit I participated in a flaming war and I just could not walk away from the fight. As of today, it is over. (Except for my rehashing it here, I have to get it out of my system.) The one thread was shut down by the moderator and I have made a commitment that I will not be sucked back into any others.
Don't get me wrong, there really are plenty of times that I bite my tongue and walk away. Sometimes, I just can't (or don't want to), I do not feel like everyone should agree with me. I do try to expose myself to differing opinions and understand others. I just want a little respect and consideration in return. I want a little concession, an acknowledgement that they they might be wrong. Or at least, let's agree to disagree. Yet, there are times that I find myself being stubborn and judgemental too. I would like to think that I am above being reactionary, that I don't have anything to prove, that if I encounter rudeness I can walk away. The truth is that occasionally, I get sucked in. Reacting and arguing that way, makes me feel like a pitbull in lipstick. Something I definitely do not want to become (on either side of the aisle). So, why do I do it? (Paul and Shannee, I am open to suggestions.)
J has also had a bad week. He has been working crazy hours, under a great deal of stress. I would have loved to have been in complete service to Him (I did try to be supportive, despite the distance), but I was over in Fetlife, arguing with a lunatic. Great submissive attitude. Maybe this pet needs a muzzle and a leash. Actually, He is the key, when I focus my energy on Him, I am fine. He is my focal point, my center. My submission negates my need to prove anything to anyone (but Him). His caring dominance is the only validation that I need. Focusing on Him calms me. I just need to always remember that. I am a very lucky girl and I do know it!
To my readers: I apologize for my atypical post and my atypical behavior. I do learn a great deal from you and you do keep me honest. To J, I apologize for losing my focus, I'll try to do better. I will reward you all with the following, found on Ponygirl's blog.
If that doesn't make you smile, nothing will.
Monday, October 27, 2008
The more I think about it, the more I want Him. All of Him, everything about Him. Starting with that spanking. He is a wonderful spanker. Sometimes, He spanks me fast and hard. Other times, He warms me up slowly. Sometimes, it is concentrated on my sit spot. Other times, it is spread over my whole bottom and upper thighs. Always, His hand dips to my wet slit, that is dripping for Him. Always, it brings me to the brink of an orgasm. Every time, He surprises me. Every time, it is exactly what I need. Every time turns me into a puddle of lustful submission. I desire Him, only Him. I want to do anything for Him that He desires. I need to give myself to Him, again and again. No one else makes me feel that good, physically good, submissively good, emotionally good, spiritually good. He elates me, He makes me soar.
I want Him to do it to me...right now!
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Life has been a struggle lately, this past week took a lot out of me. I have not been very happy with the way that I have dealt with things. Some of my niceness and my empathy has gone out the window. I am tired of being strong and taking care of things. Mostly, I am just tired. However, in the midst of my depressive mood and my disjointed emotions, J has been my constant. His presence in my life and my mind has kept me focused and sane. As my own strength and resolve have dwindled, He has held me firmly and resolutely in His arms.
He has an abiding and permanent place in my mind and my life. He occupies a substantial part of my mind and my thoughts. His enduring presence within me was impervious to the onslaught of doubts and fears that were trying to push their way in. His protection and caring for me extend beyond the physical realm into the psychological. His influence is complete and pervasive.
I belong to Him. That is a truth that is fixed and immutable. It is true because I have given myself to Him and He has defined me. His control is not repressive, it is reassuring and restorative. My submission does not diminish me, it evolves me and actualizes me. He has earned and cultivated the trust that I feel for Him. His investment in me has deepened and intensified my desire for His dominance. The connection and understanding that has developed between us has produced a balance and equality in our relationship. The greater my surrender, the higher He elevates me.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Saturday, October 11, 2008
I lust for Him, all the time. Perhaps, that is not very submissive of me, I don't really know. I do know that I love to serve Him. I love to give Him pleasure. I love sucking His cock, giving Him a massage, licking Him all over. I love receiving spankings from Him, or canings, or floggings. All of that turns me on and makes me want Him more. I also love His hands exploring me, I love His mouth on me, and I love His cock. Seeing Him, talking to Him, just thinking about Him makes my cunt drip with desire.
He called me today and directed me to an orgasm over the phone. He told me what He would do to me and what I should do to myself. Prior to my relationship with J, I could bring myself to a climax better than anyone else. I have had some wonderful lovers, but I knew exactly where to touch myself, I knew how hard and how long. I enjoyed sex, whether it was making love or fucking, but for a pure, hard, mindblowing climax, I could do it better myself. That is no longer true. He knows my body, He knows what I need, He makes me cum better than anyone ever has (including myself). He is in control of me, I need His control. It is as much psychological as physical, I need Him in order to cum. Not necessarily His physical presence, but His presence inside of me. When He is physically with me, it is the best. I long for Him, I am electrified, I am His whore. He fills my fantasies, I only want Him. I crave His touch, His mouth, His cock, His seed. I crave serving Him. I need to submit, to surrender, to give myself to Him completely. He gives me everything that I need.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
I believe that every woman who has been raped, has her own reaction and I certainly was not trying to make any blanket statement. I only wanted to express my own feelings and reaction. I do not know Pygar or David personally, but I read both of their blogs and I respect them as experienced and caring Dominants. I did not take offense to anything that either of them wrote, but I did want to share my own experience and my own feelings. My own experience was different from many, I am sure that some people would not even view my experience as rape, since it was my husband that raped me. Until this past year, I had not told anyone what had happened to me, nor had I dealt with my own hurt in a positive manner. I have written about my experience previously, but I am now prompted to expand on it.
Looking back, I realize that I became involved with my ex-husband due to my submissive tendencies and my propensity for BDSM. I did not know anything about the lifestyle, I had only experimented a little, with some kink in the past. I ignored many warning signs, partly because of my lack of experience and partly because of my own insecurities. I enjoyed many of the things that he introduced me to, I was turned on by his forcefulness and his control. I did not understand the dynamics of a power exchange. I also did not originally recognize the multitude of problems that he had, or the fact that he blamed much of them on women. I do know that safe, sane and consensual were never a part of what we shared. I also know that his intent was to harm me. He was not happy or sexually satisfied, until that harm occurred. Our relationship was not about BDSM, it was about abuse. Rape is abuse.
The fact that things began as consensual and exciting, does not negate the fact that it wound up as non-consensual, dangerous and damaging. I was not free to stop it, I was not free to set limits, and I was not free to leave. I do believe that I was lucky to get out alive. Since originally sharing my story (in a limited way), I have been told that I might have just over-reacted to rough sex that went too far. Rape is not rough sex that went too far, it is an act of violence, and for me it happened more than once. It is the act of inflicting physical and emotional harm on a person. I am lucky. I am lucky to have been able to get out, I am lucky to have been able to rebuild my life, I am lucky to have found someone who has helped me heal. It may seem very strange that, after my experience, I am still interested and able to engage in a D/s relationship. To me, it is not strange at all, it has allowed me to be in control. I choose to submit, I choose to trust, I choose to serve. Nothing has been taken from me, I have given it freely and willingly.
Not all D/s relationships are the same, some dominants are much more demanding and forceful. Some submissives like rape role-playing, but the common thread is consent. When there is no consent, it is not D/s, it is not M/s, it is not BDSM, it is abuse. I have read accounts of rape or abuse where women admit to sexual arousal, that did not occur in my case, nor does it make it okay. Our bodies are designed to react in a certain way to certain types of stimulation. Arousal does not signify consent, it only signifies that a physiological response has occurred. I think that it is this arousal that David was referring to in his comment, I do realize that he was not condoning rape in any way. I still have a hard time believing that rape has awakened any submissive feelings or desires in women, though I cannot speak for all women. I also know that since posting a profile on a BDSM site, I have received messages from men asking if I had a rape fantasy or if I wanted to be "raped." My response was to delete the message and block the sender. Those men scared me, I know that "rape fantasies" and role play is a kink that some people have (both men and women), but BDSM is based on trust. Men who open with that type of message, who do not try to build trust or initiate a conversation, let alone a relationship, seem to be looking for an excuse, or a "legal outlet" to commit rape. Especially, since my profile does not indicate that desire or fantasy.
The problem is not limited to BDSM, date rapes happen all the time. The key, in any relationship, is communication. If you haven't communicated enough to establish what each of you wants, you shouldn't be having sex. If communication and trust have been established, there should be no misunderstandings that may lead to rape. Whether you ascribe to SSC or RACK guidelines, open communication and discussions should protect both dominants and submissives. Dominants are just as vulnerable, they could lose their family, their career, and their freedom if they are accused of rape or abuse.
My current relationship has been my healing and recovery. I am understood, cared for, and protected. I trust Him in every way. I know He would never physically or mentally harm me. I can be honest with Him, in all matters, without fearing judgement or ridicule. I am valued and cherished. He does not take my submission for granted, but constantly strives to earn it. My desire to give everything to Him, is derived from my feeling that I can never give back to Him as much as He has already given to me. He is loving and affirming, He empowers me. He admires and appreciates my strength, for the stronger I am, the more I have to give. By freely giving to Him, the things that had been forcefully taken in the past, I have been restored.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
My trust and submission grow more everyday. Even when we are apart, I can feel His presence inside of me. I have given myself to Him, He has the control, but with that He has offered me healing and protection. Each time He takes me just a bit farther and each time I face an internal struggle. The result of each struggle has been surrendering more to Him each time. I have no regrets, He has given me nothing but joy and satisfaction. I have never been so content or fulfilled. I strive to give everything to Him and by doing so I find I have more and more to give. I also find that the more I surrender, the more control I give to Him, the freer I become.
I anticipate the next year together, knowing that I will give Him more than I have this past year, knowing that He will take me farther than this past year. As I become more open, willing and transparent to Him, I sometimes wonder where our evolution and growth will lead us.
I am His, I have offered myself to Him. He has accepted me, He has taken me. I am consumed by His essence.
Monday, September 22, 2008
I enjoy cooking, I use recipes loosely. I like bumping up the flavor, if some spice is good, more is better. I love cutting, chopping, and mixing. However, my mind was far away, fantasizing about being His plaything and a different type of spiciness altogether.
He arrives to pick me up, asking if I was ready to go. I reply in the affirmative, but He tells me that He thinks I need a bit of last minute preparation for the ride. Bending me over the back of the couch, He raises my skirt revealing my ass cheeks bared by my thong. The height of the couch comes to the tops of my thighs. He pushes my shoulders all the way down, until my arms are resting on the couch cushions and my bottom is angled up in the air. Pushing His foot between my feet, He slides my feet apart, spreading my legs and exposing me completely. In this position, with my head down, I cannot see Him, but I feel the sting and hear the slap as He brings His hand hard across my ass. He is spanking me hard and fast, giving me five to ten strokes, then pausing to rub my reddened skin and dip His fingers down into my wet slit. As I begin to grind against His hand, He steps back and resumes the spanking. I lose track of how many strokes He has given me and my ass is on fire with the burn, He pauses again to rub my hot skin and even hotter cunt. His prolonged spanking has left me red and stinging and also wet and needy.
Still in position and unable to see, I hear His belt being unbuckled and slipping from its loops. Anticipating what is coming, I squirm a bit and feel my muscles unconsciously tense. I hear the belt cut through the air and feel it comtact my skin. I cry out and grip the cushions of the couch. The strokes of His belt continue until I am struggling not to pull away. Tears are running down my face and my cunt is dripping down my legs. When my ass is red, stinging and welted, He steps very close behind me, pulling me up, He leans me back against Him and wraps His arms around me from behind. He slides one hand down to my cunt and the other hand slips under my top to my breast. As His fingers close on my nipple and I am pushing hard on His other hand that is rubbing my clit, I feel His teeth close on the curve of my neck. I moan loudly and feel my climax well up inside me, but He tells me not to cum yet. I am shaking and panting as I fight to stop myself from riding the wave of the orgasm that He has begun in me. I am teetering on the edge and I am begging Him. I need His cock, I need Him to bend me back over and fuck me. I need to be filled up with His cock, I need to cum for Him. As I am pleading with Him, He pushes me back over the couch. I hear Him unzip His pants and feel His cock slide against my slit. I try to push back against Him, but He is teasing me. Pushing His cock just inside of me and then pulling back, ever in control. I am crying softly out of need and frustration, I want to scream and demand, but I won't, because I am His to play with in this way. His pet.
He steps back, away from me. He smiles at me and tells me that I am a greedy little slut. I look back at Him and see Him pull a small bag out of His pocket containing a plug carved from ginger. As He pushes the ginger plug into my anus, He promises that I will be able to cum soon. He tells me if the ginger gets too intense, I can remove it, but He thought it would make the trip much more enjoyable for both of us. Especially Him, and isn't that what I wanted? I quietly answer yes, as I kneel before Him and begin to clean my juices from His cock with my tongue. I feel the heat of the ginger spread from my ass to my cunt as I slide my lips all the way down His shaft.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
I have realized that a true D/s relationship creates a dependency. It fosters a psychological bond between two people. Of course, I can only speak of my own dependency, the need that has been created for me as a sub. I am still pondering if this is a good thing or a bad thing. The dependency, the need that I have, is not a clingy, demanding type of need. It is a component within me, a reliance, a loyalty, a trust. I feel Him within me, His control, His strength, His caring. I am still an independent being, I go through life, I fulfill my responsibilities, I make decisions. Yet, throughout all of that, I connect with His essence. I am aware of Him, I consult with Him (though often only in my mind). I am certainly capable of making decisions on my own, I have done it for years. However, I now consider Him, His input, His opinion. I feel I belong to Him, not in a property sort of way, but as a cherished possession. I am His pet, and being His pet has become part of my identity. He does not dictate to me what I can and cannot do, but He cares for me. It is His voice, His reasoning, that makes me stop and think what is best for me. I have not always done that, I have not always thought about my own well-being. Now, His voice within me tells me to be careful and take care of myself.
My need for Him extends beyond my consideration of self. It extends to my sexuality, my release. I am not sure how, or when, it happened, but my climaxes depend on Him. For Him, I can cum without any physical stimulation, just His voice, describing, coaxing, demanding. This aural stimulation and my resulting climax is different, it is spiritual and holistic. I am still left satisfied, wet, and throbbing, but it originates in my mind and moves to my cunt, rather than the other way around. Without Him, I cannot cum at all. My own touches, my own stimulation leaves me wanting and frustrated. My forays into the area of self-love have to end with His voice within me, telling me to cum now, or it just doesn't happen. At times, that tends to make me a submissive crack whore, jonesing for His drug.
I do sometimes worry about my dependency, I never want it to translate into a stifling need that He feels He must satisfy in me. I want my submission to Him to be a joyful diversion for Him, never a burden or affliction. I know that He takes His responsibility, as my dominant, very seriously. I trust Him completely, I defer to His decisions, but I never want to take advantage of Him. I want my presence in His life to be freeing, not suffocating. My needs and dependency are not meant to stake a claim, but to satisfy needs in both of us. I hope that He always finds my service and dedication pleasing and fulfilling.
Monday, August 25, 2008
I know it was terribly naive of me not to consider the possibility of many of the ads being spam. I know that I will really have to be more careful and rethink the entire process. I do tend to be a worrier, my mind works overtime considering all the worst case scenarios. It is rather amazing that I not only found J, but agreed to meet Him. However, sending the message to her tonight (even if it was a stupid mistake on my part), was a first step. I realize that I have now taken action on my thoughts. I know that this is actually something I would be willing to do. No, something that I want to do. Originally, I wanted to do this for Him, but this fantasy has become more and more mine. I want this. It remains to be seen if it ever comes to pass. Any further action I take will be very careful and well though out. But this is one more limit I want to cross with Him.
PS. Candy, if you're out there send a message.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Sometimes, I need Him to strike me, to crack me, to break me open. I need Him to flay away that outer shell and reveal what's hidden inside. To let me out, free me, release me.
Other times, I need Him to hold me and stroke me. To wrap Himself around me and hold me together. To keep me from shattering into a million pieces.
He always knows whether He needs to pull the pieces apart or hold them all together. He knows when I'm tough and He knows when I'm fragile.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
I was extremely naive. I wanted to have sex, I wanted to please my partners, but I was pretty limited. I remember when the same boy mentioned oral sex to me. I do not know what I said, but something along the lines of, "people actually do that?" Needless to say, after my response, we didn't do that. I was not revolted by the idea, just totally clueless. A year later, I was seeing someone else, he was older and more experienced. We had gone to the movies (Shampoo, with Warren Beatty), and there had been a scene at a dinner party were Julie Christie sucked his cock under the table. Later, that evening, we were on the couch in my parent's living room and he referred to the scene. He asked me to do "that," I did and the rest is history. I have always enjoyed sucking cock. It makes me feel servile, sexy, and a bit of a tease.
I have never loved it as much as I do with J. With Him, it is more than a sex act, it is spiritual. It is an act of worship. I not only love it, I fantasize about it, I dream about it, I need it. I love the way His cock feels in my mouth. It is hard and smooth and the perfect size. I love how it fills my mouth, how it hits the back of my throat. I love running my tongue over it, exploring it, memorizing it. I love how it smells and how it tastes. I love sucking hard on the head and then sliding my mouth down to the base where I am nuzzled against Him. I love when He fucks my mouth, thrusting into me, into my throat, making me gag. I love when He wraps His hand in my hair, holding me while I take all of Him. I love when He cums. Feeling His balls tighten, sensing the urgency, flooding my mouth, sucking and swallowing His gift to me. Each drop is precious and valuable. It sustains me, it affirms me, I crave it from Him.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
How do you feel about marks left from play? What are your favorite/least favorite marks?
I absolutely love the marks He leaves on me. I love having them as a reminder of the time we spent together. I have read some discussions on how to prevent and minimize bruising, I have never understood it. I would be more inclined to ask how to maximize bruising and keep them from fading so quickly. I like looking at them after He is gone, I like noticing bruises that I did not expect, I like feeling the tenderness when I move or sit. I always thought that I would like to be marked, but not too severely. Now, I fantasize about having welts and bruises and stripes. I do not desire to be cut or whipped til I bleed, but deep, well-pronounced bruises turn me on. I think that my desire for marks has increased my desire and tolerance for pain. Often, when we play, I wonder what type of marks will be left. I think about the type of marks different implements will leave. I am desiring a wooden paddle, because I think that it would leave more bruising. Besides having marks remind me of our play, I feel like they are His signature on me. Something He has put on me to show that I belong to Him. A physical reminder that He leaves on me to signify my surrender to Him. An outward reflection of the hold that He has on my mind.
I can't think of any marks that I would not like, other than ones I could not conceal for work. My favorites have been the first marks He left on me. The first time we played I bruised. In fact, though the play wasn't as severe, the bruising was more prominent than many times since. I also love the marks left by the cane, stripes and welts in a row or criss-crossed. The nicest surprises though, are His bite marks on me. I never expect them. When He bites me, I don't think about bruising. Then the next day, when I am dressing or showering I notice His bite marks on my breasts and the inside of my thighs. Nice round bruises that are quite dark and are very personal. I always smile when I discover them. His marks have a deep psychological impact on me, they are very satisfying to me. They reinforce the afterglow, the feeling of contentment that I get from being with Him.
Questions from BDSM is Love, Luna's Thursday Question.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
In life after life, in age after age, forever.
My spellbound heart has made and remade the necklace of songs,
That you take as a gift, wear round your neck in many forms,
In life after life, in age after age, forever.
Whenever I hear old chronicles of love, it's age old pain,
It's ancient tale of being apart or together.
As I stare on and on into the past, in the end you emerge,
Clad in the light of a polestar, piercing the darkness of time.
You become an image of what is remembered forever.
You and I have floated here on the stream that brings from the fount.
At the heart of time, love of one for another.
We have played alongside millions of lovers,
Shared in the same shy sweetness of meeting,
The distressful tears of farewell,
Old love, but in shapes that renew and renew forever.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Anyway, she had this little game (which I am choosing to call a meme) posted on her blog and I thought it would be fun. Oh, to be 17 again - NOT. Just for the record, I used my real name in the search, but I am replacing it with Alice here.
Type the following into Google and choose from the first page...
1: Type in "[your name] needs" in Google search:
Alice needs to be spanked!!!
She certainly does.
2: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search:
Alice looks like she is done laying her eggs for the year.
I bloody well hope so.
3: Type in "[your name] does" in Google search:
Alice does a nude photo shoot with Allure?
Shhh, it hasn't been released yet.
4: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search:
Alice hates spiders more than I do.
5: Type in "[your name] goes" or "...has gone" in Google search:
Alice goes underground.
If I am missing for awhile, you will know where I am.
6: Type in "[your name] loves" in Google search:
Alice loves books.
yes, yes I do.
7: Type in "[your name] eats" in Google search:
Alice eats shit.
I hate having to eat one's own words.
8: Type in "[your name] has" in Google search:
Alice has 5 boards of equal length.
Guess I'll have to make that spanking bench.
9: Type in "[your name] works" in Google search:
Alice works one-on-one with management.
Now would be a good time to ask for that raise.
10: Type in "[your name] lives" in Google search:
Alice lives a poetic life in San Diego with two cats and a bougainvillea.
Don't tell the dogs!
11: Type in "[your name] died" in Google search:
Alice died after the police waved on the lorry carrying the calves, despite the fact that protesters were still occupying the road.
What an absolutely tragic end.
12: Type in "[your name] will" in Google search:
Alice will go to the Grammy's with that gorgeous guy from the movies.
Ok, ok, it's Sean Connery, now quit asking.
Gee, that was rather fun pretending to be 17 again. I really didn't think the Google thing would work that well. Don't worry, more grown-up posts coming soon.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
I visited Shannee's blog today, it confirmed to me something I have been noticing. There has been a lot of pain and sadness among many of my favorite bloggers. I have been tempted to post on this before, but I was unsure what to write. I did not really want to go there. The more I read, however, the more I must comment. Pixiepie has been dealing with a debilitating and dangerous illness and now the loss of Richard. Oatmeal Girl is coming to terms with the loss of the Philosopher. I read of others' pain in searching for someone to give their submission to and continually being disappointed. I empathize with all of them, I sympathize, I know what it is to lose a relationship, to be hurt or betrayed by someone you love. It also makes me realize how blessed I am. It does not make me question my trust in Him, it makes me realize that you have to take it where you find it. Something special does not come along everyday, when it does, you have to take the risk. The more you give, the more you love, the greater the risk. The dynamic of a D/s relationship elevates that risk even more, but also makes it worth that risk.
For years, I would not take that risk, I did not find anyone who was worth that risk. I had been hurt, I was never going to be hurt again. But sometimes, it is worth the risk. Sometimes it is so special and so right, that the journey, the discovery, the sharing, is worth any pain that it might bring. I had a plan, my plan was to not become involved, certainly not to fall in love. The universe had a different plan. I met someone who has surely known me forever. Someone who knew me so deeply and intimately, that we had to have loved in a past life. I discovered that I had to submit to Him, and that I could not completely surrender without loving Him. By being the man that He is, He made me love Him.
Don't misunderstand me, my love does not come with strings attached. There are limitations between us, I accept those. There are limits on the time we can share, I accept that as well. What is not limited is my trust in Him and my honesty with Him. My love and desire for Him are also unlimited. I am His, for as long as He wants and needs me, I am His. I do not know when or if this will ever end. Should that occur, I will hurt, I will have lost part of myself, but I will have gained so much more than I could ever lose. And my love for Him will never be lost. He has resurrected a part of me that I thought was lost forever, He gave me back my ability to love. Loving Him has been easy and joyful. He is the most exceptional person that I have ever known. With all the pain and horror and treachery in the world, sometimes you just have to let go with abandon and embrace what is good in your life. I have many good things in my life, but He is certainly one of the best things in my life. I have no regrets, in fact I am eternally thankful for all that He is and all that He gives to me. I hope that I never give Him one moment's regret, I hope I am always a source of joy to Him.
In my mind, I am bound to Him. In my heart, I revere Him. In our interactions, He sanctifies me. I do not wear a collar, but psychologically and spiritually, I am His possession. He realizes, better than I do, what I need and desire. He is better able to please me and sate those desires than I am myself. I have realized that He is all that I need. He gives me everything that I could ever want. He is my fantasy and my desire and nothing else matters. He is my guide, my leader, my security, my sanctuary. This has never been more apparent to me than it was this week.
I am completely His. When we are together, I bask in His presence. I am His pet, I am cherished and cared for. Tuesday, when He was here, I sat at His feet. My head was in His lap and He was stroking my hair and my neck. I have never felt more content or fulfilled. His touches are magic to me, whether He is stroking my hair, or spanking my ass, or rubbing my clit, I am euphoric from His touch. As I sat on the floor at His feet, I yearned for Him, I longed for the release that only He can give to me. I began to rub myself against Him, to masturbate on His foot. He encouraged me, He gave me permission to cum for Him. I cannot climax without Him anymore. I need His presence, either His physical presence or the one that is implanted strongly inside of me. Even when we are apart, I must conjure up His voice in my head, telling me "Cum for me, pet." to be able to climax. Rubbing and arching against His foot made me cum better and harder than my own touches or toys ever could.
We spent time on the deck, where He bent me over the railing to spank me. Afterwards, I leaned down to suck His cock. I was aware of the openness, the lack of privacy, but He was my focus, I needed to serve Him. I only knew how completely I belonged to Him. I love His cock, I delight in touching it, licking it and sucking it. It is sacred to me. My worship and adulation of it is my namaste to Him, my gesture of reverence. His cock is my altar, my providence, my prize. My service and submission to Him has overtaken any shyness or embarrassment that I may feel.
Back inside, I began to prepare dinner, He stood beside me and carved a butt plug out of ginger root. The pungent odor filled my nose and caused my cunt to throb and drip. He had me smell and taste the ginger, He asked me if that was what I wanted. My mind was unsure, but my body's reaction betrayed any objections that I voiced. It was later, after dinner when He tried it out on me. I was nervous, not knowing what to expect. The onset was a nice cool sensation, but that quickly gave way to an intense heat that spread through me and caused quite a bit of squirming. The heat and pulsating spread to my cunt as well and turned into a pretty intense orgasm. The pleasure definitely outweighing the discomfort. He followed that up with applying the nipple clamps and clothespins and then using the blade of His knife to trace and outline my body. Though, I trusted Him completely and I knew He would never harm me, the knife play brought back intense memories and emotions and reduced me to tears. His voice and His reassurances kept me present, they affirmed my safety and offered protection from the evil in my past. He has liberated me, and by doing so has deeply ensconced me in His possession and control. The impact play was less this time, some spanking, a few strokes of His belt and the whip. The intensity was in the form of the psychological impact. The marks He left were those of a healer's touch. With a surgeon's skill, he has cut away the festering wounds and emotions, leaving behind what is healthy and strong.
He is still one of very few people I can cry in front of. One year ago, I refused to let anyone see me cry at all. When the tears come now, I am a little girl for Him. I am taken to a place of trust and innocence. I can relax into His arms and bare myself to Him completely, for I know that I am loved and protected. I have never felt safer in my life, than I do in His arms. Once again, He took me farther than I ever thought was possible. He led me past limits, He fulfilled all of my needs.
Eros Ramazotti & Anastacia ~ I Belong to You
Sunday, August 10, 2008
My assignment has changed at work and the new unit I am in is not getting the support we need. So far, it has not been a huge problem, but it could be. I am all about trying to avoid problems, rather than trying to fix them later, so this has been a source of irritation for me.
My son is wanting to start school in a few months, I support him in this, but the school is prohibitively expensive. I am not sure we will be able to work it out. This fact has made me uncharacteristically resentful. I resent that his father is a deadbeat that has never (and never will) contribute to his support or his life in any way.
I have been having major work done around the house. It is badly needed and I am blessed to have worked out the financing to get it done. However, even with the financing, it has strained my finances once again.
I hate feeling this way. I like the status quo that usually exists in my life. I also recognize that change can be very good and that any problems are just fleeting. There is more to it though, I remember feeling this way a year ago. Those feelings are part of what prompted me to send J that first message. That restlessness, the hopefulness, needing a change. Little did I know what would come out of that message. I could have never anticipated how life changing this last year would be. He has been the catalyst for so many changes within me. He has met so many of my needs, even ones that I was not aware of. He has grounded me and enabled me to remain calm and sane through the events of the past year. He has given me new perspective and wrestled me away from some of the strongholds that held me captive. He remains my focus now, as I am finding my way through the current mind field of changes.
He is a calming force for me. Even as He has led me through my limits and helped me face my demons, I have generally been calm and rooted. I am grateful for His presence. As I was talking to a friend of mine about some of my current concerns, she told me, "you will be okay." then she said, "I always thought you were so strong and independent, but now I realize that was only a front." She is so right. It was a front, but one that I maintained for so long that I came to believe it. It is nice to have relinquished that front. It is particularly nice to be able to show my vulnerability to Him.
We will be together in two days. I am sure that is part of my restlessness as well. I need Him, I am eager for Him. I have been adrift, distractable, and a bit fragmented. I need His touch, I need to be spanked and strapped. When He is done with me, I will be better. I will be reintegrated and realigned. I also need to touch Him, I need to touch and taste and smell Him. He is my reality, He defines me. I am in need of a little redefining.
Sometimes, I ponder on our relationship. I am His sub, it is my role to serve Him and please Him. Yet, I recognize that it is my needs that are being met, that I am the one receiving so much. I know that the relationship is a give and take, but sometimes I feel I do not give enough. I feel that even if I give Him everything, it will never equal what I receive. It makes me want to give Him more, to give Him everything. The more I give, the more I heal, the stronger I become. It is that cyclical nature that creates the upward spiral that will lift me above my restlessness. I am looking forward to being with Him, I need to be near Him.