Thursday, February 26, 2009

Pay it Forward

I was quite surprised and flattered to have been given a Friendship Blogger award from Swan. I stumbled into the blogging community, over a year ago, new to the lifestyle and trying to find my way as a submissive. There are many writers online that have offered me both friendship and knowledge. The support and acceptence that I have received from them has enhanced my life as well as my journey. This award is apparently circulating around the blogosphere. The wording that accompanies it is this:

“These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers.”

The Rules to accepting this award: “Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.” There are so many that have touched me it is hard to narrow it down, but I in turn will send this forward to:

A Kind Dom (Pygar)

A View From the Top (David)

A Well Disciplined Girl (Olivia)

Ex-Courtesan in Transition (again) (Gillette)

Green Rootsdown (Shannee)

My Bottom Smarts (Bonnie)

My Dabble in the Middle End (Constance)

Submission and Metaphor (Oatmeal Girl)

This is certainly just a sampling. So many more have touched me with their words and with their friendship. Those listed above are exceptional. Pygar and David are kind enough to share their wisdom and give us a glimpse of the dominate's perspective. Olivia, Gillette, Constance and Oatmeal Girl are all bloggers worth reading and also reach out by engaging in discussion through their comments on other blogs. Bonnie is the first blogger I read and uses her blog to openly share her knowledge and offer encouragement to new bloggers. Shannee was already chosen by Swan, but she has been such a good friend to me and I cannot say enough about her writing.

Saturday, February 21, 2009


Over the years I built a fortress.
Brick by brick, I assembled it.
Strong, forboding, it encased my fears.
The walls hid my nature, my desires.

You found your way in.
The illusion crumbled under your gaze.
My secrets told themselves.
Piece by piece I am exposed.

You deconstruct me.
Finding that I had been dismantled, long ago.
Within my fortress,
I have been sitting in rubble.

You rend the temple curtain.
You enter the holy of holies.
You consume me.
I am swallowed whole.

My shame is laid open,
My soul is freed.
My resistance is gone.
You possess me.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Regaining our balance and losing myself

I am finally recovering from my illness and my higher dose of medication seems to be kicking in. I am beginning to feel like myself again. J was here on Tuesday, it was just what we both desperately needed, at least I know that I was feeling rather desperate for Him. We both were quite exhausted and not completely healthy. However, the intensity was greater than I have ever experienced with Him.

Of course, in my mind, I had thoughts of making the evening perfect. Feeling frazzled and the events of the day seem to curtail that. I had hoped to be ready and waiting for Him, with dinner on the table when He arrived. That didn't happen. What I discovered was that a perfect evening did not depend on my being perfectly dressed and made-up, nor having the house spotless and dinner on the table. It just entailed us being together. I find that my desires and fantasies are limited (in part) by my experiences. I have been desiring intensity, in the form of pain play. I am not even sure that I was physically up to what I had been fantasizing about. I certainly received intensity, but of a different variety. His knowledge of my body and my reactions surprise me each time we are together. The climaxes and feelings of pleasure that He can evoke from me, as well as the sensations that I have never before experienced, truly boggle my mind.

When He arrived, I clung to Him. I never wanted to let go, He felt like a lifeline to me. His physical presence made everything perfect. Everything else faded from my mind; all of the distractions, the things I did not get done, not feeling well, all became unimportant and my focus was entirely on Him. He has become my center, my place of calm and peacefulness. My greatest joy and desire is to serve Him and to belong to Him. I prepared dinner, which we shared, along with some wine. I sat at His feet, I touched Him and tasted Him. Quenching my desire and my need for Him. We engaged in some spanking and some impact play. Then He began touching me, tasting me, biting me. He demanded my climaxes, quickly, deeply, incessantly. It was so intense and fast, it drove me deep within myself. He had completely control over me, I was surrendered to Him, He consumed me. I was swept up in the waves, pulled out to sea. He spoke to me, asked me things, I heard and my mind tried to respond, but my voice was gone. It was primal, animalistic. He penetrated my body and my mind, I was bound and gagged by His dominance. He pushed me past the point of too much, past my limits, to a place of intensity I did not think was possible. I could not answer with words, only with gutteral responses, screams and moans, while I stared, from deep inside myself, out the windows of my eyes. It was completely sexual, I was a feral being. My mind was fighting to comprehend and regain control, my body was disconnected, only responding, wildly, to Him. Every touch and sensation pushed me deeper. His light caresses on the small of my back, His mouth on my inner arm, everything evoked a sexual response. I could not claw my way to the surface, He trapped me in a vortex of climaxes. He broke me open, I was exposed as He ripped orgasms out of me. I was overtaken and consumed, He fed off of me. It was violent, it was exactly where I needed to be. I am His.

Sunday, February 8, 2009


I am still around, I am beginning to feel much better. I truly appreciate all of your comments and concerns. My silence has been mainly due to exhaustion. Since my last post, I received the results of my lab work and discovered that being sick was not the only reason I was feeling so bad. J has also been less than 100%, He has been dealing with a lot of stress and pressures and fighting to stay healthy as well. The past week, I have been feeling the distance between us, I have been wishing that we could be fully present for each other. Hopefully that will occur for us very soon. Our need to be together is great. My desire and my need to serve Him has become consuming. I always feel His presence and His support, even when we are apart. My wish and my frustration is to be as present and as supportive to Him, as He always is to me.

During the past month, I have been struggling with concentration issues, they have thwarted my writing, but not my reflections. My devotion to J deepens everyday. I feel I have come to see our dynamic even more clearly, our need for each other and our relationship is very balanced. The domination and submission aspect of our dynamic is, but one part of our relationship. At the core is our love and our caring for each other. My ability to trust Him completely has freed me from so much. My entire attitude has changed, I see my past as not being something that I needed to overcome, but something that prepared me for my relationship with J. I am much more able to recognize how exceptional He is and appreciate what he offers to me, because of how lacking my other relationships were. For so long, I yearned for a connection, yet I didn't know exactly what it would be and truly doubted the possibility of ever finding it. His presence, His domination and His truthful and caring wisdom, have allowed me to become a better person in all areas of my life. He gives me a purpose, not just in my submission to Him, but He helps me define my purpose in everything.

Constance recently wrote a post about courage. Her post helped me realize that J has helped me find the courage to move beyond my fears and fully explore my needs and desires. Many of the coping mechanisms that I had employed to get to where I was, were actually hindering me from achieving what I wanted to be. J has given me the strength to open myself to vulnerability. I feel extremely lucky and blessed to have found a person so perfect and suited for me. I also am grateful to the people and the community I have found online. My growth and my self-actualization have been nurtured and aided by all of you too. I do hope this is making sense, because I am still having trouble expressing my thoughts. I have great anticipation for what this year will bring.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Under the Weather

This week, I have been under the weather in more ways than one. We had the Great White Death move through the area, leaving a frozen tundra in its wake. I have also been sick. Today is much warmer and everything is thawing out. I hope this is a sign that my body will be recovering soon as well.

Last night, while we were chatting, J told me to turn on my webcam, He wanted to see me. I sat there, in an old flannel shirt, sweat pants, a drippy, red nose and uncombed hair, certainly not the picture of beauty or sexiness. Yet, I turned on the camera, just as He had requested. He has seen me at my best and my worst, but He always makes me feel loved, accepted, and yes, beautiful.