Friday, December 31, 2010

I am His and it seems my tears are as well...

He was here.  He held me, he bit me, he pinched me, he made me cum.  I served him, I loved him, I surrendered to him, I cried.  It seems that my crying when he is here has become a regular thing.  I often don't know why.  I do know that I cannot cry in front of anyone but him.  I rarely cry even when I am alone.  He tells me he sees my tears as a gift that I only give to him.  Sometimes I see my tears as a failure, as a weakness of my submission.  He wants to hurt me and take me farther, he wants to challenge me and reprogram me.  He does not want to harm me or damage me.  He wants me to enjoy his enjoyment of me.  He is careful with me and caring of me.  He knows of my past.  He never wants me to feel abused or frightened of him and I never do.  Yesterday though, he was pinching and biting and grabbing me.  It hurt, but it also turned me on.  I wanted it, I wanted him, but then I knew I was going to cry.  I could feel the bubble deep inside of me, the bubble of emotions, of tears, of release.  It kept getting bigger, closer to the surface.  I couldn't contain it.  It rose to the top and overflowed out of my tear ducts.  I cried, I sobbed, I felt myself break inside.  He asked if I was okay, he asked what was wrong.  He asked if I knew what brought on my tears.  I had no words to tell him, just emotions, just tears.  I still don't know why.  I think that sometimes I become so overwhelmed by sensation and by him that I cry, because that is how I react when my control, my demeanor crumble in the wake of his control of me.  This time it was partly his bites.  It was not as if he hurt me badly, it was as if he bit through my shell.  He pierced my armor.  He broke through to where the tears are, even though I think they are/should be gone.  I am safe with J, I am safe to submit to him, surrender to him, be myself with him, be honest with him and cry with him. 

It is sometimes to tell him and to express here what I feel and what I think.  That is because, when it comes to him, to us, my thoughts and feelings are combined with imagery.  I can see images of what is occurring inside of me, I can share those images, but they may only make sense to me.  At certain times, he leaves me without words at all.  I cannot talk to tell him or answer him.  He literally leaves me speechless.  I have never been able to let go to this extent before.  I have never been able to give myself so fully to anyone.  No one has ever been able to take me, control me, pierce me, hold me, comfort me, know me like he does.  He is the most amazing, sexy, intuitive, intelligent, compassionate and dominant man I have ever known.  He makes me feel beautiful, sensual, smart and his.  I will always be his.  Each time we are together, he establishes that even more than it already is.  I love what he does, how he does it, what he lets me do and who he allows me to be.  Thank you J, I look forward to the next year with you and the one after that and the one after that...

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Thoughts for Him, reposted with permission

Being in a long distance relationship, as we are, much of our interaction is online or over the phone.  We are able to be together more often than many who are separated by distance, but it is far from a daily or even weekly occurrence.  On the rare occasions I go onto Fetlife, I read how others are dealing with the obstacle of distance.  I am sometimes amazed at how many relationships exist only online.  How many subs are "collared" by Doms they have never been (and may never be) acquainted with in real life.  Before J and I met in person, we definitely had established a dynamic which certainly held up to being face to face.  Though there was always an intention that we would meet.  I will keep my reactions to "online only" D/s to myself, or at least save it for another post.

J and I have become very adept at communicating.  I think that is imperative whether the relationship is long distance or 24/7.  He is very good at planting seeds of desire and submission in my mind and allowing me to grow them into something more.  He also reinforces things we have shared or talked about by revisiting that in discussion or asking me to write to Him about it.  I both send e-mails and write on a private blog (that is only available to J and I).  This is a post from that blog.  He did not direct me to share it here, but He did tell me that it deserved to be public, so that others could see it and ultimately see me through my words.  what He actually asked me to write about (or at least how I took His request) was my physical reaction to our conversation and the directive He left me with after our conversation.  That was my intent, but my thoughts took another path and I let my writing follow that path.  These are my thoughts on how His dominance affects me and on my own fears and insecurities about my submission.  I do tend to impose more expectations on myself than He imposes on me.  He has never expressed disappointment in me or in my submission, but I frequently feel I have fallen short of what I am capable of.  Since I have already wasted much time on the explanation of what is written here I will simply get on with reposting what I had written.

Last night, during your call, while you were directing me and possessing me with your voice, there were so many thing going through my head. You evoke so many emotions and feelings and sensations in me.  That always is a bit of a surprise to me, even though I know the power you have over me and how easily I can slip into submission for you.  In the course of my everyday life, I tend to be a little stoic. Not truly unemotional, but I know it is pointless to succumb to worries and fears, so I just sort of gloss over them and put them on the back burner.  Things do have a way of always taking care of themselves.  The happy times are there of course, I enjoy life and friends and family, but even that is subdued and balanced by the things I choose to ignore.  With you that filter is not existent.  You encourage me to let go and feel it all.  You encourage me to face my fears and embrace the ecstasy.  I can relinquish the control that I normally hold fast to and really feel it all.  It is freeing and intimidating at the same time.  It puts me in a very vulnerable place.  It is a place I can only be in with you.

There is always a moment were I struggle, I feel a small bit of panic creeping over me.  I get the urge to push the feelings away and grasp onto self-control.  It's like going into a free fall state, my whole body wants to jerk and grab something safe and anchored.  Your presence is my safe anchor, whether it is you physically holding me or your voice that is holding me, I feel you supporting me, keeping me safe.  I feel you holding me, leading me, taking me.  It is probably a strange analogy, but it feels like a womb.  I feel I am completely inside of you, you are all around me and you protect me.  I am usually a little disoriented, my mind is in an altered state, but your voice and your arms are like an umbilical cord, they are a lifeline for me.  Holding me and anchoring me to keep me from falling too far.  I am flooded by sensations and thoughts, often fragments of memories.  I am overwhelmed by everything my mind and my body experiences at that time.  I think that is why I cry.  It is my physical reaction to so much, but it is also a release, a release of my control of fighting for control.  I can let go and just be, just feel.  I am not sure I can even describe the feeling.  It is like drowning, but without the panic.  I feel vulnerable and almost childlike.  Maybe helpless is a better term.  I don't like the Daddy dynamic, because of the connotations it holds, also it denotes an inequality of those involved.  I think it is an expectation of having someone assume responsibility  for another, not just at that moment, but in general.  I can understand it though, because at times, my feelings and reaction to you have a childlike feel.  You feel very paternal to me at those times.  I trust you to care for me and keep me safe.  It is the belief and security to know you will make things okay.  More than that, I always feel as if I have always known you or at least been connected to you in some way.  Like you are an entity that has always been present in my life, or there and connected, waiting for me to find you and invite you in.

When I think of you and what I experience with you, I cannot pigeon-hole my feelings, emotions, desires or experience.  It is all so integrated.  You fulfill me and stimulate me in every way with everything we do.  I love dining and talking with you, but it is so much more than that, it becomes a sensual, sexual experience for me.  Even shopping with you, or setting up the booth at Lexington, all are intertwined with desire and want.  Yet, the sexual interaction we share is not only sexual, it is also spiritual and intellectual.  I know my explanation is poorly worded, but it is as good as I can explain.  I have never experienced a relationship that was so holistic and unified.  You touch and affect every part of me, I am completely yours. There is no part of me that has not been influenced or marked by you.  There is nothing I can reserve or keep from you.  My desire is to give you everything, but that is because you already know and generate everything within me.

It effects me in other ways too.  My thoughts and fantasies often do not go beyond what we have, or at least what we have discussed.  I do think about another woman, or piercings, or even more intense play.  What I have experienced with you is very intense though, it is hard to imagine anything that goes beyond that.  I think about things, but I never feel I need more.  I am not opposed to new things with you, to the things we have discussed, they intrigue me.  I know I don't need them though.  If what we share is all I ever had, it would be enough.  It is so much more than I have ever known.  Even benign contact with you provides me with so much.  My sexual desires for you are not any more than my desire to simply share time with you.  Talking and being with you are as fulfilling and comforting, in their own way, as the D/s and the play that we engage in.  Sometimes, my greatest desires are for the simplest things, to talk with you, to hear your voice, to look into your eyes, to kiss you or touch you.  Other times my mind goes far beyond, beyond even what we will probably ever do.  I allow myself to think about extreme play or experiences.  I have thought about branding or cutting, even though those things scare me and I know I would never want to actually do that.  I have thought about complete surrender and objectification.  Of you sharing me with other men.  Those fantasies are usually brought on by things I read or videos I watch, again I cannot imagine truly desiring that, it is the idea, the totality of that surrender and obedience that appeals to me.  When I think of those extreme situations, I have a mixed reaction.  Part of me gets very turned on and part of me is repulsed by it.

There are other fears too.  Fears of a more practical nature, though still unlikely.  I fear losing you.  Not that you would leave me or disappear from me, but fears that something would happen to you.  I think about how I would not know, that I would have no way to find out.  I think about how it might be days before I knew something tragic happened, perhaps by seeing something posted on Facebook, or by calling your office because you were silent and being told something had happened.  Or not knowing at all and being left to wonder.  I know that is a terribly morbid though, but it sometimes surfaces.  I worry that if something happened to you, someone would find our texts or my pictures on your phone or on your computer.  I think about how painful it would be to return to a life without you in it.  Or worse, that something might happen to you and I would not be able to be there for you, to care for you to be able to see you and help you.  These are not really things that I dwell on or think about often, mostly because they are unlikely and there is nothing I can change by thinking about it.  Yet, I am aware that possibility exists.

Then there is the fear of disappointing you, of failing you.   I know you have wanted me to search for another woman for us.  I have so far failed in that task.  It is not a lack of desire for that experience, it is more of a lack of knowing how to do that.  It is also due to time constraints and now I am making excuses I suppose.  I know I need to work on my profiles and look on the sites I am already on.  By not following through on your wishes, I have already failed in what you have asked of me.  It has not been an intentional failure or refusal, but I have no explanation of myself.  Time is a big part of it, time management at least.  I suppose there is a bit of fear of failure or a trust issue (not having to do with you, but of others).  I will continue to work on that, but I can make no promises.  My intentions have always been there, but I have not followed through like I should have.  I am grateful for your patience and you understanding where that is concerned.  I don't want you to think I am intentionally balking or refusing.  When you talk about training me in my reactions to pain and to sensation, being able to cum from being spanked or caned or from a look or a tone, my mind wonders if that is possible.  I wonder if I am capable of that.  I worry that I will disappoint you with my lack of ability.  Though I would have never thought it possible to orgasm without being touched, simply from your voice and my thoughts.  I never thought I would be able to orgasm as long or as hard as you can make me.  So I know it is possible, but I am not sure I can train my mind to be that adept, to change my reactions to pain or stimulus.  I know you want to take me farther and farther, I hope I am able to comply to your wishes.  I wonder sometimes where my actual boundaries lie, or even if they exist at all.  You have certainly expanded them, changed them.  My acceptance, my desires, my enjoyment of things is vastly different from when we first met.  You have taken traumatic experiences from my past and freed me from them.  You have shown me how to trust and how to love and you have changed me in ways that have impacted my whole life and way of relating to people and experiences.  You have changed my thinking and my physical reactions.  I am a better person because of you.

Okay, I know this was not the writing, the post you were thinking of, this is just where my mind took me.  I will write on your original intention later.  After I accomplish a few things and think on things of a more submissive and sexual nature.  I love you and I want you. As always I am consumed with thoughts and longing and anticipation of you.  I am yours and I will always be yours.