Sunday, March 29, 2009
Gillette has been writing a series of posts on trust and relationship. She makes many valid points and has touched on several reasons why my past relationships have failed. Sometimes, we see another person, not as they are, but as we want them to be. We develop expectations, we write a story in our mind of what we have shared and what it means. We impose our own desires and meanings on someone else and begin to create expectations based on that story.
As a relationship develops, it is difficult not to hold expectations. Our emotions reflect those expectations. To trust someone is to expect them to be honest with you and not to intentionally hurt you. To love someone is to feel affection for the person we perceive them to be. We may base our feelings and emotions on our interactions with that person, or a set of traits we see them as having. Our perceptions may be correct or they may be based on a misrepresentation (either one that the person has presented to us or one that we have imagined). We may choose to overlook or not notice things that clash with our perception. In our relationship story, we incorporate our expectations. We expect certain interactions, we look for the return of emotions, we begin to expect that person to meet our needs. The question becomes, what is it that we truly need? I know that I have wants and desires, I often use the word need interchangeably when referring to them. I do know that those are not needs, but when I use that word, I may be conveying a different expectation to others. I may actually be indulging myself by thinking I need more than I do.
When I communicate with J, I often tell Him I need him, or need something from Him. What I am meaning is that He (and the things that He does) prompts a content, happy and fulfilled feeling within me. I do want Him, I desire Him madly, but the fact is, my life is not contingent on Him. I sometimes read of others in long distant relationships (or sometimes any relationships), they talk about how difficult it is, that they do not get what they need from the other person. I have been asked how I stand being apart from Him and how I deal with the distance. The funny thing is, I have been in some 24/7 relationships where more distance was present than is between J and I. Would I love to have more time with Him, absolutely. Do I need to have more time with Him, no.
When we first began talking, and even after we first met in person, I was drawn to Him and I felt very attracted to Him. I did not expect our relationship to develop and deepen to the point that it has. I initially expected a much more casual relationship. When the relationship was evolving and our feelings were deepening, I worried at times. I wondered if I would begin to feel needy or jealous of His life apart from me and His other commitments that kept Him away. That has never happened. I may appear needy at times, those times that my desire and longing for Him are great, but I am really fine. I like that I can desire Him so much (sometimes to the point of obsessive thoughts), but still be okay emotionally. I accept the limitations, I accept the distance and the commitments that we both have (apart from one another). The bottom line is that thoughts of Him make me happy, so sometimes I dwell on them. It makes me happy to serve Him, to do things for Him, so I do sometimes think about what it would be like to do that all of the time. Those thoughts have never taken me to the point of thinking that I had to have that, that He will never be able to fulfill my needs due to being away.
I recently read a blog of a submissive that talked about the sacrifices she had made for her dominant. She talked about not getting enough attention from him and that she only had him, nothing else in her life. I know that everyone's dynamic is different, but I did not get the impression that he required her to be so involved. She was blaming him for not meeting the needs she had created. I resisted commenting, because I did not think that it was my place (or that she wanted to hear), but my thought was that she was suffocating him. Her idea of service to him was to cling to him and control him. There seemed to be very few boundaries that had been defined in their relationship. I do know that my views on things have been tempered by interactions with those in poly relationships. I have come to understand how they can deal with feelings of jealousy. My desire is for J to be happy, when my service to Him and my relationship with Him makes Him happy, I am a content submissive.
I am not trying to be judgmental or to tell anyone else that our way is the best way, but for me, this works. We have our lives, both apart and together. He has become very interwoven in my life apart from Him. I think of Him often, I know that my actions and decisions are influenced by Him. That has been my choice, to internalize Him so deeply within me. He does share His opinions with me and He cautions me on things, but He does not demand that I do things a certain way. I, in turn, would never presume to tell Him what to do. I do try to convey my support and my caring.
The basis for our relationship and the success of our relationship is trust. I do not remember ever trusting someone else as much as I trust J. My trust in Him was developed early on. I think there are many reasons for that. His original communication with me was very open and candid. So much so, it surprised me, but it also allowed me to know He was being honest with me. At times when I struggled to open up to Him and reveal something that was a source of shame or embarrassment, He has never reacted with shock or judgement. He is one of the most open minded people I know. He has also never given me any reason not to trust Him. Our open, honest and frequent communication has continued, I think that has prevented misunderstandings from occurring. I feel comfortable with telling Him anything that is on my mind and He is very good at asking me to share things with Him. Though much of our communication is not face to face, we have become adept at avoiding miscommunication. We both ask for clarification if things aren't clear.
I also believe that our trust and our communication have been aided by the fact that there seems to be a spiritual connection between us. I don't know how to explain it further, than to say it has been there from the beginning. It is an innate understanding and bond that has always existed for us. Despite that connection, that we both acknowledge, we don't rely on it or take it for granted. We still work hard at communication . We never assume agreement or understanding without discussion. From my own experiences, I know that assumptions and expectations can damage a relationship beyond repair. I also know that our own expectations are often doomed. I have lost past relationships to the expectation that they would last forever, I also lived a large part of my life rejecting relationships, because I did not think that they could survive at all. Now, I am savoring every moment and try not to expect much beyond today. This has worked so far, not a day goes by that He doesn't bring a joyful moment into my life.
I don't put too much stock in fairy tales, but in this one, she slays the dragon herself.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
I have been dreaming a lot lately and J is frequently prominent in my dreams. I feel His presence in my daily life always, but often, in my dreams, His presence feels more tangible. Last night I dreamt of Him again. I dreamt of my entire life, only He was there with me, as if we had always been together. I revisited places and events from my life and I saw Him there with me.
In my dream, He was an adult, as I know Him now, though I was whatever age I would have been at the time of the particular event. I dreamt of my accident, which occurred on July 11, 1961, when I was three. I could see Him there watching, not a part of the event, no one else could see Him. I heard His voice, telling me I would be safe and that I would be alright. I saw Him watching me at various times of my life, some significant and some mundane. (I was in a classroom as a teenager, then I was in a bar with friends as a young adult.) In most cases, He was standing off to the side, just observing. Other times, he was with me, He was involved. I was with Him in Oregon (where he lived at one time), we were hiking together, I looked to be about twelve. In reality, we have never been there together, in fact, I have never been there at all. I was 16, the night I lost my virginity, only He was my lover. I was 30, in an abusive marriage, I saw scenes of rape. I did not see Him, but I could feel Him there and I could hear His voice in my ear, telling me that it would be okay, that I would survive this and get out and He would be there waiting. I felt Him holding me as I sobbed afterwards. I saw my life now, only with Him here. I saw us walking the dogs, fixing dinner, sitting on the deck. As I woke up, I felt Him next to me, even though He wasn't physically there.
I have always felt as if He had known me before. I don't mean a time in this life that I just don't remember, but sometime in a past life or in a different space (not that I ever believed in that sort of thing). I feel as if we occupy a kind of sacred place together. It is because He knows me so well, our connection is so deep. It seems He has always been part of me.
I have been thinking of my past recently. I just reconnected with an old friend, I have been thinking of my father. I know those things could account for my dream, but maybe it's more than that. What if our souls have shared some astral plane? What if my mind has been opened to a reality that I wasn't aware of before? Yes, I know that sounds a little crazy, but exactly what is our reality composed of anyway? The fact is that He is a part of my reality now. He is such an integral part of my reality, that He has skewed it in some ways. He is a constant in my life, even though He is not here constantly. He knows what's in my mind, even though I do not tell Him every thought. In any case, I love spending the night cavorting through time with Him.
Monday, March 9, 2009
My mind feels His constant embrace, His control and consideration influences all that I do. His voice echoes inside of me, guiding me, calming me, affirming me. My skin tingles and quivers with phantom touches of His hands. Remembrances of His caresses and pinches, exhilerate and flush me. Touches that arouse me, mold me, direct me to an outcome. Strong, sure touches of Him handling His property, managing me. Weilding His dominance to ply me and shape me.
He has developed that longing inside me. I hunger to taste Him. I ache for His hands on me, probing me, igniting the fire inside of me. I covet His pinches and slaps that inflame me and awaken me. He has conquered me. I am His; His pet, His slut, His lover, His servant. He has subdued me and bridled me. He holds me in check, yet He can still release the violent and wild streak within. He holds mastery over me. He does all of this, with my thoughts of Him.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
I say...and you think...
- Pain :: yes please
- Lego :: my Eggo
- Trooper :: State Highway Patrol
- Flicker :: photosharing
- Character :: He is a
- Determined :: resolved
- Wing :: and a prayer
- Control :: freak
- Automatic :: transmission
- Yeah :: whatever