Sunday, June 28, 2009

J was here with me this week. It was wonderful to be with Him. We celebrated His birthday. I cooked for Him, I baked Him a cake. It felt so good to be near Him, to touch Him and hold Him. I have been feeling fragile lately, very vulnerable, emotionally raw. I needed Him. When I am with Him, all of those feelings are okay, I am safe. When I am apart from Him, those feelings are disconcerting.

I had been desiring all sorts of different things. I was wanting intensity, severity, I wanted to be marked and broken. I have been asking for it. However, when He was here, I could not find the right headspace. I couldn't settle into the sensations, they were too much, too overwhelming. I felt like I had failed Him, I could not even tolerate our usual intensity of play. I cried, I was emotional, I felt as if my submission wasn't good enough. He held me, He comforted me, He reassured me. I love that He takes responsibility for me. I love that I know I am completely safe with Him. Still, even though I know He feels that way, I know He accepts that responsibility, I am still surprised. I still don't always expect it. I am not used to someone being so reliable, so constant. I am not used to someone taking care of me like that.

I know that our dynamic involves an exchange. That means to give something in return for something else. That means there is both give and take going on. I know that I can trust Him completely. I have never worried or feared He would harm me in any way. Though, in my mind I expect to give to Him and have Him take from me. In reality, I feel He gives much more than I give. He has the responsibilty in the relationship. He works at establishing the dynamic. I do try very hard to submit, I try to anticipate and meet His needs. I want and try to please Him, but ultimately, He bears the burden of the decisions and direction that things will go. He gives me the means to explore and define my submission. He gives me a place where I am safe and cared for. He gives me more pleasure than I have ever experienced before. He loves me and accepts me. He has made it possible for me to heal and to grow. I feel a vast inequality in what we both contribute. I feel that I have received more than I could possibly offer Him. I have never experienced this level of trust or contentment. I always feel that I want to give more.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

You're my halo

Remember those walls I built?
Well, baby, they're tumbling down,
And they didn't even put up a fight.
They didn't even make a sound.

I found a way to let you in,
But I never really had a doubt.
Standing in the light of your halo,
I got my angel now.

It's like I've been awakened,
Every rule I had you breakin'.
It's the risk that I'm takin',
I ain't never gonna shut you out.

Everywhere I'm looking now,
I'm surrounded by your embrace.
Baby, I can see your halo,
You know your my saving grace.

You're everything I need and more,
It's written all over your face.
Baby, I can feel your halo,
Pray it won't fade away.

I can feel your halo, halo, halo
I can see your halo, halo, halo
I can feel your halo, halo, halo

Hit me like a ray of sun,
Burning through my darkest night.
Your the only one that I want,
Think I'm addicted to your light.

I swore I'd never fall again,
This don't even feel like falling.
Gravity can't forget,
To pull me back to the ground again.

Feels like I've been awakened,
Every rule that I had you breakin'.
It's the risk that I'm takin',
I ain't never gonna shut you out.

Everywhere I'm looking now,
I'm surrounded by your embrace.
Baby, I can see your halo,
You know your my saving grace.

You're everything I need and more,
It's written all over your face.
Baby, I can feel your halo,
Pray it won't fade away.

I can feel your halo, halo, halo
I can see your halo, halo, halo
I can feel your halo, halo, halo

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I think of you

I think of you as I stand in the shower, feeling your hands slip over my wet body, reaching for your cock and knowing how perfect it feels as my hand curls around it.
I think of you as I dress, longing to feel your marks and the tenderness as I pull my jeans over my ass.
I think of you as I prepare dinner, wishfully wanting to set the table for two.
I think of you as I drift off to sleep, imagining you next to me, feeling your skin touching mine. Remembering being half asleep, seeking your cock with my mouth, tasting you, sucking you, feeling your hand rest on my head.
I think of you as my hands slide down my body, I feel your fingers trace my wet folds and push inside of me.
I think of you as you occupy my dreams, immersing me in your presence, breaching my soul, inhabiting me.
I think of you, every minute of every day, I live within you.

Monday, June 15, 2009

sacred iniquity

She was splayed upon the altar, waiting to be sacrificed to His desires. She was bound, not by rope, but by His ascendancy. He stood beside her, presiding over this rite of subjugation. They were surrounded by cloaked and hooded figures, faces hidden. The silent forms were observing the proceedings, waiting for their roles as subordinates to Him. The sanctuary loomed around them like a dark cavern, emphasizing her prostration and submission. The only light emanated from hundreds of candles, casting flickering reflections and dancing shadows over this mise en scene.

She shivered in her nakedness, not due to cold, but to exposure. No words were being spoken, she knew what was expected, her compliance and surrender were understood. Yet, she could hear the pounding of her heart and her breathing echoing in the void of other sounds. She was both the sacrificial lamb and the temple prostitute. Offering herself to fulfill and sate His dark desires, but also knowing her own lusts and inclinations fed Him and increased His appetites.

His hands reached out for her. Their gazes locked as He pinched, pulled and twisted her nipples. Her gasps and whimpers seemed as loud as screams, they filled the darkness. She felt her juices leak from her cunt and trickle down the cleft of her ass. Not breaking His stare from her eyes, He brought a strap down, hard, on her mound. A small scream escaped her lips, her legs involuntarily jerked together. He paused patiently, as she readjusted her position, once again open for His use. The strap came down again and again, her hips squirmed as she fought to be still. Her eyes squeezed shut as tears flowed down the sides of her face. She trembled in response to the assault on her most sensitive parts. Yet, her body betrayed her as the sting and the burn spread and ignited a flame. Her juices gushed and she found herself lying in a pool of her own arousal. Each stroke taking her closer to climax.

Feeling a hand close around her throat, her eyes jerked open. She was met by the site of His cock at her lips. Her mouth reached out and hungrily encompassed His shaft. She welcomed it, this familiar object of her worship. She began paying homage to His offering, sucking harder and deeper, filling herself with His presence, devoting herself to His pleasure. She was lost to her surroundings, focused only on Him. The sensation of many hands on her, exploring and probing, yanked her mind back to the present. She was surrounded by the men He had assembled here. Anonymous men, who were fondling and stroking her. Hands, pinching and grasping, fingers pushing inside of her. Her mind split and her confusion reigned. Her reactions wavered between the sensations that were propelling her towards her climax and the reality of the origin of those sensations. Any objections that she tried to voice, were muffled by His cock thrusting into her mouth. The base and primal side of her psyche won out. Her thoughts went blank, her muscles tensed, she arched off of the altar as the waves of her orgasm washed over her. Contractions pulsed through her entire body as her mouth was flooded with His seed. One by one, His tribe of attendants released onto her, their hot cum covering her breasts and her belly, consecrating her as the object of their lusts.

She was immersed in His dominance, floating in the acceptance He offered her. He was her purpose, her destiny. She was filled with veneration for Him, her surrender was inevitable. He completed her.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Happy Birthday J

You complete me and possess me.


Thursday, June 11, 2009

My Plea

I want to curl up at your feet and feel your hands on me, strong and firm.

I want you to dominate me, control me, erode me, break me, overwhelm me.

I want to feel your quiet strength, that commands the woman in me and comforts the child.

I want to endure the pain you inflict on me and, through my tears, know you would never hurt me.

I want the strokes, the pinches and the bites, that ignite the fire in my belly and cause my cunt to leak.

I want to be bound and clamped, because your restraints free me.

I want to be fed your cock, gagged on your manhood, because it affirms my womanhood.

I want to be anointed with your seed and your piss, because it brands me as yours.

I want you to dangle me over the precipice, so I can learn to fly.

I want to drown in you, be lost in your presence and feel your stamp upon my heart.

I want to surrender to you always.

Saturday, June 6, 2009


J recently traveled out of the country. We thought we would have regular contact while He was gone, but due to some technical glitches, that wasn't possible. I was excited and happy for Him to be able to indulge in this much needed vacation. Though, I also wondered what my reaction to His absence would be. What I have found is that each time of separation defines us, as much as each time we are together. I was able to ride a wave of gratitude while He was gone. Both gratitude that He was enjoying Himself and gratitude that He loves and accepts me so fully, I am able to feel secure, even when I am unable to communicate with Him.

Our relationship has been a journey, it has evolved and deepened in ways that I never anticipated. I have been reflecting on that journey a lot lately. M:e recently talked about the changes that have been occurring in her life, her observations made me think even more. I commented to her that I used to focus on our destination. I wondered where all of this would lead us. I no longer think about that end point. Instead, I concentrate on the path we are on. There is a synergy between us, each of us needs exactly want the other has to give. The amount of intensity and control He has come to desire, is exactly the amount of intensity and control I have come to crave. I cannot separate myself from Him, He is a part of me. Whether we are together or apart, I feel Him within me and all around me. Even when there is a lightness to our interactions, within the teasing, playfulness and banter, I feel the current of my submission running deep and strong. I am His, I belong to Him.

We are forging ahead together, but He is blazing a trail within me. I am forever marked and altered by Him. He has refined me and shaped me. Wherever I end up, whatever I become, I will always bear His imprint on me.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Your kink is not my kink, but I get it

I spent part of my birthday hanging out with my best friend. We have been friends for a very long time, we have weathered quite a lot together. It has only been in the past year that I have shared my kinks with her and she in turn has shared hers with me. I will admit, that once I opened that door of sharing, she opened the floodgates and is much more forthcoming than I am. I can't say I was shocked, though at times I have been a bit surprised. Mostly at the fact that we have been close for so long and there is so much we didn't know about each other. The bottom line though, is that our kinks are quite different. She is anything but submissive. She might play in that role, but she tends to switch. She has a strap-on and knows how to use it. She participates in (and seems to enjoy) cuckolding. The main thing is, she likes to be in control. While all of those things don't do anything for me, I get it. I understand her penchant for it and if it works for her, well hey, who am I to judge.

She was telling me about her ex-husband hitting on her. This is something he does quite often, only because she occasionally indulges him. Then she told me of her plans to have a threesome (her being fucked by two guys), she told me she had thought about inviting her ex to watch. Something about wanting to humiliate him. I told her that as much as I do get it, somehow it just didn't seem quite right. Of course so much of what she does (sexually and otherwise) doesn't seem quite right to me. I pity the man (or woman for that matter) who would betray her, for she would ensure their destruction, even if it meant her own. I'm not really judging here, I just sometimes wonder about her intent. She then referred to J. She said, "the next time he comes down, just tie him up, whip his ass and make him happy." That was when I realized that even though I may get it, she doesn't. I told her that we don't switch, ever. That I am always submissive and He is always Dominant. She replied, "okay, then he can tie you up and whip your ass, whatever."

While it certainly won't effect our friendship, she not only doesn't understand my submissiveness, but I don't think she understands my commitment to J as a submissive. I'm sure she knows we are committed in our relationship, but I think the dynamic escapes her. I could be completely off base, but she seems to think that kink is just kink and doesn't define a relationship. I thought about explaining that, for us, D/s is beyond just playing. It is more than just getting your rocks off, it is who we are, in and out of the bedroom. But I didn't, she wouldn't understand. I have shared this blog with her, I know she has read it, but not on a regular basis. It is not that important to me that she understands. Though, it makes me wonder how many people that have not desired or experienced this type of dynamic, can truly understand how deep that it goes.