Perceptions

This is the e-mail I got today from Notes from the Universe (thanks Gillette for introducing me).

Life is not what you see, but what you've projected. It's not what you've felt, but what you've decided. It's not what you've experienced, but how you've remembered it. It's not what you've forged, but what you've allowed. And it's not who's appeared, but who you've summoned.

I always enjoy the little gems of wisdom in these notes. Sometimes, they make me go, hmmm. Sometimes, they make me go, huh? I reread this one several times. The truth of it just kept sinking in. It made me re-evaluate my life. It made me think of times when I passively experienced things, when I felt powerless to change the situation I was in. It made me look at my past and consider how my perception of it differed from others' perceptions. It made me look at my part in creating that reality.

I do believe that we create our own reality. Our thoughts, our actions, our desires and our perceptions, all play into what makes up our lives and experiences. We can be assertive or passive, we can be proactive or reactive. Reality is not necessarily factual, it is our perception of the situation. Several people can observe the same situation and each perceive it differently. That doesn't make any of them wrong, it just makes them individuals.

I think about how J has changed my perceptions and my reality. He empowers me, He frees me. He has restored the passion and the innocence of my youth. He has also embraced the wisdom and the strength of my maturity. He encourages my submissiveness, but He discourages my passivity. I have often wondered how we found each other, But I now realize that I summoned Him. I am blessed that He was gracious enough to respond. He is now my reality.

The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was.

Lovers don't finally meet somewhere, they're in each other all along.
~Rumi

Image by F. Cayley Robinson. Found on Google.

Push

Every time I look at you the world just melts away.
All my troubles, all my fears dissolve in your affections.
You've seen me at my weakest, but you take me as I am.
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land.

[CHORUS:]
You stay the course, you hold the line, you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy, but you give me room to breathe.
No matter what I say or do 'cause you're too good to fight about it.
Even when I have to push, just to see how far you'll go.
You wont stoop down to battle, but you never turn to go.

[CHORUS]

Your love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me.
There are times I can't decide, when I can't tell up from down.
You make me feel less crazy, when otherwise I'd drown.
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm OK.
Sometimes that's just what we need to get us through the day.

[CHORUS]

Bad blogger, good pet

Last week was Love Our Lurkers day. I was out of town on that particular day, but I scheduled a post to publish. I had every intention of responding to comments and making the rounds to other blogs when I got back, but I didn't. I am a bad blogger. I appreciate the readers that come here, I love reading the comments that I receive. I try and get around to reading other blogs, but I am a lurker too. I just don't seem to have the time or energy to leave many comments anymore. I also find myself struggling to post here very much. I begin posts often and then usually end up deleting the banality I have written. Most days, by the time I make it home from work, I am feeling rather used up and dimwitted. Certainly, by the time dinner is done, accompanied by clean-up and additional housework, I am left operating on one or two brain cells that are still firing. I am not sure if that makes me very tired or stupid, but neither is conducive to blogging. On the other hand, I am a very good pet (at least I try to be). That is a much higher priority for me than being a good blogger. Though, the two are tied in together, because J enjoys reading here and often what I write is for Him.

I was with J last week, our time together was brief, but wonderful. I am always surprised by my reaction to seeing Him. I know I miss Him and desire Him madly, but I still get butterflies with my anticipation. Each time I see Him again (when I actually lay eyes on Him), I catch my breath and my heart leaps. Being with Him, even talking to Him, makes me giddy. I love His eyes. The way He looks at me is deep and piercing, it makes me melt into a puddle. I know, because the puddle always ends up in my panties after He looks at me that way. I feel like His gaze bores through me and looks into my soul. Every time our eyes meet, it is as if the rest of the world disappears. He owns me with His eyes, they draw my entire focus onto Him. It's like the scene in For the Love of the Game where Kevin Costner 'clears the mechanism'.



Okay, maybe a baseball movie is not the most romantic analogy, but it probably is my favorite movie, so that's what comes to mind.

We can be laughing, joking, talking about work or politics, and then He shoots me that look and the world stands still. He can control me and possess me with just a look. Of course there is much more to it than that. His hands are incredible, they are magic. When His hands are on me, I feel as if I am a lump of clay and He is a sculptor, shaping me, forming me into something beautiful and better. I would be amiss if I did not mention His mouth. He kisses me as I have never been kissed before. His kisses overwhelm me, they are intimate, controlling, probing, sensuous, they make me weak in the knees. J is, hands down, the sexiest man I have ever met. Everything about Him makes me want Him. I want to serve Him, surrender to Him, give myself to Him completely. When I think of Him, my cunt moistens and my mouth waters. I am His, in all ways. It really is quite selfish of me, my desire to belong to Him, He completes me, He affirms me, He provides me with great pleasure. When I think I could not desire Him more than I do, when I know it is impossible to give Him more, surrender more, I see Him again and more is not even enough.

Love our lurchers, er...Lurkers

Today is the annual Love Our Lurkers Day, hosted by Bonnie over at My Bottom Smarts. Since I haven't been posting a whole lot lately, I don't know how many readers, much less lurkers I even have left. However, if you're out there...PLEASE stroke my ego, smack my bottom, leave a comment. Then, head over to Bonnie's blog and check out all the other spanking bloggers participating today. As Gomez said to Fester, "You'll meet someone. Someone very special. Someone who won't press charges."

I am actually out of town at the moment. I will be back Friday and will respond to all of the comments then. In the mean time, welcome to the blog!

Moving forward

I am not sure where the past few months have gone. Life seems to be flying by, I certainly have been busy (I'm sure we all are), but nothing out of the ordinary. Things have been good for J and I. The past few months we have been able to connect a bit more often. I will see Him again in a few days. Every minute with Him is precious, it renews me and refocuses me. At times, I feel like the rest of my life is a holding pattern, circling around waiting to arrive at my destination. When we are together, all is right in my world. Time slows down and affords me the luxury of serving Him. It gives me the opportunity to breath and relax, to be me. Though, I long to improve my service to Him, to please Him more. I need to become more disciplined, rather than just standing by, I need to work at becoming better. I do not have rules, there are things He directs me to do and I strive to fulfill those requests. Service to Him has become more of a focus for me. I realize that there are things I can do, put my own rules in place, to become a better submissive. I am working on that.

I do not view my submission as being along for a ride. It is more than being available and obedient. I want to actively please Him, I want to anticipate and fulfill His needs and desires. I want to exceed His expectations. I want to make things easier for Him and more enjoyable. I have fallen into the trap of thinking of all the things I could do for Him, if we were together all of the time. However, we are not, so I need to better serve Him from a distance, while focusing still on our time together. He has a strong presence in my life, we communicate daily, I think of Him constantly, I write to Him often. Yet, I don't feel it is enough, I want to offer Him more, so that is my task at hand.

I know there are certain things that are next on the agenda for us, so to speak. Things we have discussed at length. More of my boundaries to be crossed. One of them is public play. No, I do not mean doing it in the middle of the street, more like hidden in plain sight. Things done covertly, but with others around. This is difficult for me, I am not an exhibitionist in any way. I struggle with even dressing provocatively in public. So, the challenge is there for me, because often in public, I imagine everyone knows exactly what is going through my mind. I know this will arise when we are together this week. I also know it is an issue of overcoming my own inhibitions, something that has been easier said than done.

We have also talked about including another woman in our play. This is something I have come to desire. I fantasize about it, I have written about it. I have no doubt it will occur, the issue is finding her. For me, it is more than just placing an ad on Craigslist or trolling the sites like CollarMe and FetLife. I need to have a connection. Our relationship and our dynamic is to valuable to just find a willing participant. She also needs to fit with us. While I do plan to begin actively seeking her, I also believe that we will find the correct person when the time is right. Perhaps I am naive.

I am ready to continue on this journey with J. I never anticipated coming this far or delving this deeply. I am humbled by His love and acceptance of me. I cannot imagine being without Him now. He has defined and fulfilled my submission. I am grateful to be His.

If You Seek Amy

My musical tastes are pretty wide ranging. I listen to everything from opera to rap. I love the classical rock that I grew up with (I refuse to call it "the oldies"). I appreciate the relevance of rap lyrics (even the nasty ones). Classical music of all types touch my soul deeply. Folk music makes me want to march in a protest. What I most often listen to is current and contemporary...rock, hip-hop, alternative, pop. I also have a tendency to sing along. So...the other day, I was working in the kitchen and singing along to a CD when my son walked through. He stopped and listened a minute, then he said, "Do you even know what you are singing?" "Sure", I answered and kept singing. "No, really Mom, listen to the words." I listened for a minute and heard nothing other than what I had sung. "When she says, if you seek Amy, she's really saying...F.U.C.K. me." After he told me that, there was so much I left unsaid. I still sing along, I just smile now. I'm not nearly as old as he thinks I am.



Speaking of F.U.C.K. me, J was here last week. The frequency of His visits has increased lately. I am very happy about that. The more I am with Him, the more that I want Him. Though we had been together just two weeks before, I needed Him badly. I needed to serve Him, I needed His cock, I needed Him to spank me. I know the time we share is a far cry from 24/7, but I wonder if I could ever get enough. The past two years have only made me want Him more, want to give Him more. I feel that we are just beginning our journey, there is still so much I want to experience with Him. I belong to Him, with my entire being. He gives me strength, He makes life bearable, He gives me a sense of purpose and He defines my identity in a way I have never known before. There is a certain rightness about lying over His lap, naked and surrendered. Receiving His spankings calms me, relaxes me (okay, maybe not right at that moment), affirms my place with Him.

J, I will be yours forever. I hope you choose to accept me as long.

Trust, truth and reality

Swan and Chloe both have written recent posts about honesty and trust in their relationships and how that plays out in their dynamics. I started to comment on each of their posts, but decided I had more to say and thought I would muse about it here. Bear with me as I ramble on to some sort of conclusion.

Before my relationship with J, I had huge trust issues. In the past, I had been lied to and betrayed in so many ways. Those lies and betrayals had distorted my reality and caused me to question even my own judgement. I was guarded and jaded and had withdrawn from all intimacy in any relationships. When I met J, that all changed. I can give you all sorts of reasons, but I don't really know why it was different. Perhaps it was His manner, or maybe I was just ready, possibly it was just in the stars for us to be together, whatever the reason (or all of them together), I trusted Him.

It has been two years, I have never had a reason not to trust Him. As far as I know, He has never lied to me. He has shown love and concern for me. He has never harmed me, He looks out for me, He keeps me safe. That is my reality. That is what I know to be true. After reading their posts, I began to think about the importance of honesty. Previously, I would have said that honesty was of utmost importance, that I could never tolerate being lied to. However, if I found out that J had lied to me, I cannot see that it would change my reality. I would still believe that He loved me, I would still believe that He would protect me, I would still believe He wants me in His life. That would still be my reality. My trust has been built on what He has shown me. The truth has been based on what He has told me. Those do not necessarily have to be the same thing.

My ex-husband told me many things...all lies. He also showed me that he did not care about me, that he did not respect me, and he harmed me repeatedly. There was no safety or security with him. With J, I am safe and secure. I can count on Him. He has demonstrated a consistency and a stability. My reality is based on what I know to be true (what I have seen and experienced), not what I have been told to be true. In that respect, my truth is relative.

Now, let me clarify, I have do not believe that J has ever lied to me. I believe everything He tells me. But, I understand what Swan and Chloe are saying. Withholding information or even an outright lie, would not shatter my trust. I trust Him to tell me what I need to know, I trust Him to keep me safe and respect our relationship. Swan says it best with theses words: In my world, inside of our dynamic, His word defines the fact and the reality. I live my life completely within the boundaries defined by His word and His vision. That is my truth. Anything else, is just not all that important.

Conversely, He requires me to tell Him what is on my mind. He expects me to share my thoughts, my needs and my desires with Him. I try very hard to comply with His expectations and His trust. It is important, it enables Him to know where to take us. It enables Him to define our dynamic and our reality. Just as He decides what I need to know, He also decides what He needs to know. I am very happy, content and secure to abide by those decisions He makes. I am very pleased by the reality He has defined for me. The truth (and the reality) is that I am His.