Sunday, March 28, 2010

Where I belong

J came to see me this week. I know He has been tremendously busy; I did not expect to see Him for awhile. I had resigned myself to that fact. I have been missing Him and wanting Him incessantly. When I am with Him, everything is right in my world. I want to make everything right in His world as well, at least to the best of my ability. I am happy, I am loved, I am special. I am basking in the afterglow.

Don't get me wrong, my life is good, I am blessed and happy. His presence in my life is the icing on the cake. He has made me a better person. He has fulfilled me in a way I never thought possible. Even when He is not here, He influences me. Our relationship, His dominance, encourage me to be better, to do more, to appreciate every aspect of myself and my life. I constantly strive to be the person I want to be. I never quite get there, but I am improving. I do not chastise myself for falling short, I just keep trying. Little by little, I am getting better about things. Little by little I am becoming who I want to be...for me...for Him.

Every time I am with Him, I am grateful. I feel like I have won the lottery. I feel lucky and blessed. He is good to me, He is good for me. I don't know if I can ever give back to Him as much as He gives to me. He has been a guide and mentor to me on my path. He has been my protector. He strengthens me, He enlightens me, He loves me. He accepts me as I am. He pushes me to become more. He loves me for who I am. I delight in Him, I admire Him, I trust Him, I love Him.

I am a spoiled pet, I am cherished, He honors me each time He grants me His presence. He makes my spirit soar. He sees things in me no one else sees. I am beginning to see them too. In His arms, under His hand is exactly where I want to be. I am His, always.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


You gave me the chance to live again. I surrender everything to you.

I love you J.

There's so much life I've left to live
And this fires burning still
When I watch you look at me
I think I could find the will
To stand for every dream
And forsake the solid ground
And give up this fear within
Of what would happen if they ever knew
I'm in love with you

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Thinking it through

Last night I was not in a particularly good mental place. I was missing J intensely. I always miss Him, even if we have just been together. Usually it is a sweet longing and a joyful anticipation of the next time. Last night it was a painful ache, a sense of mourning. I was extremely tired and nursing a headache, so maybe I could not get in the right frame of mind.

I talked to J last night, I think He sensed that something was wrong. He even asked if I was okay. I told him I was and He asked "mentally okay?" He knew, but I declined to share the feeling of despair I was experiencing. I was not trying to hide anything from Him, I just knew I needed to sleep it off and I would be fine. I also never want Him to feel bad that He cannot be here, especially since I am normally practical about it and okay with that. I did send Him an e-mail this morning telling Him, I also added that today I was fine...and I am.

Sometimes it is just hard being apart. Sometimes I am lonely for Him, I pine for Him, I feel a bit lost. Those painfully difficult times are rare. I would love to be with Him every day, but I know our circumstances don't allow it. I also do not want anyone else, I can't imagine not being His, regardless of how much or how little we can be together. Having one day with Him is better than 365 days with anyone else. And we do have much more time than that, He is actually quite good about planning to be with me. All in all, we have a great deal of time, considering we have a long distance relationship. We are together about once a month, frequently more, sometimes a bit less. We talk every day. I write to Him often. We probably communicate more than many couples who live together. We certainly have more quality time and better communication than I did in either of my marriages. Though there are things I wish for. The time we have together is precious and I prefer to spend it bonding, talking, playing, loving. If we had more time at our discretion we could do more mundane things, like grocery shopping and walking the dogs. Not that those things are wasteful, or even mundane really, but they fall to the wayside since our time is limited.

I feel selfish to even complain of those things. I am grateful and appreciative of all that we share. Our relationship is so much more than I ever anticipated or dreamed of in the beginning. I am very aware and appreciative of the effort He makes to see me and talk to me. I have no regrets or second thoughts, conversely I feel lucky and in awe to have what we have. Perhaps I am not complaining, maybe I am just opening my mind to the possibilities. It's not wrong to dream is it?

Sunday, March 7, 2010


I cannot remember what I have written in the past, and I really do not want to comb through the archives, but I know I have mentioned discussions of piss play. I also know that I have mentioned events that occurred during my last marriage.

I struggle with my perceptions of my abuse at the hands of my ex. At that point in my life, I certainly had submissive desires and tendencies, but no knowledge. I did not know about D/s, M/s or BDSM. He did, to an extent, he was heavily into pornography highlighting those types of play. He never shared it with me, but he would tell me about it. I would willingly try some things and I would refuse to do other things. What occurred when I refused was that he would force me to do it anyway. I classify it as abuse, he did seriously hurt me at times and I felt he might have even killed me had I resisted more vehemently. I am sure his perceptions of what occurred are very different. I am sure he felt he was just engaging in BDSM, albeit non-consensual. He got off on hurting, humiliating and overpowering me. Though as I read through others accounts, I find those things are not uncommon. I have had others tell me that what I perceive as abuse, was maybe play gone too far. Is there a difference? Maybe for some there is. For me it was abuse, it damaged me and changed me.

J has always been loving and caring in anything we engage in. That may sound contradictory, considering we engage in spankings and canings, among other things. The difference is that I am valued by him. What we share is done for mutual pleasure and satisfaction. Our relationship and his domination has healed me in many ways. He has allowed me to explore my fantasies and grow in my desires. He has shown me that these things I desire are not sick and dirty, but can be beautiful and loving.

One thing that I never had desired, or really understood, was piss play. I experienced it as abuse. I was choked and threatened and told I was worthless and then I was pissed on. I was made to drink it, his cock shoved down my throat while he peed. I don't even think it was the act he craved, but the humiliation. The humiliation was fueled by his hatred, his hatred of me, of women and of himself. He was full of hate. That hate hurt me more than the acts he forced upon me. I began to believe the things he told me. I felt worthless and dirty and defiled. The desires I once had to submit were pushed into the recesses of my mind. I decided they must be sick and wrong. I must deserve the things he did, because I was perverted and abnormal. It did not even occur to me that the things he wanted and forced me to do were the same things he condemned me for.

That fear and shame are still there to an extent. When something becomes so deeply ingrained it is hard to eradicate it completely. Though, each day, each encounter, each conversation with J affirms me, heals me, erases those feelings. He makes me feel precious and cherished. He tells me that nothing I could ever do or say would make Him think badly of me. I do believe Him, at least most of the time (there are times when my own shame and doubts creep in). His love for me has allowed me to open my mind. To dig into the past and revisit those fantasies, as well as those nightmares. The funny thing is, I desire some of those acts with Him. Things that I never desired before. The reasons for that are varied and not completely known by me. I do know that I want to be fully His, all of me. I do not want any part of me, or any experience I have had, to belong to anyone else. By re-experiencing those acts with Him, that part of me, that experience now belongs to Him. Nothing with J is ever shameful or wrong. Anything we engage in is defined by us, by Him. I don't view it or judge it from any past prejudices or societal norms. My own thoughts are different, at times they embarrass or shame me. Yet when I share them with Him, even in telling, He makes them okay.

This post was really to tell about an encounter we had last month. I did not mean to go into a long-winded account of my past and our relationship dynamics. I just felt I had to provide some background first. J knows my history, He knows about everything that has happened to me. He is careful and gentle and caring. He is careful with my psyche, He is careful to let me know I am cherished by Him. I am not even sure who originally brought it up, but we have been talking about piss play for about a year. Although it is not something I have ever previously desired, it actually was a hard limit for me. I didn't understand it, I thought it was degrading, in my past it surely had been. But like so many other things, a desire began to grow inside of me, a desire to give myself to Him in that way. For a long time, He told me He did not think I was ready. He has had me tell Him how I imagined it would be, I have written about it for Him, He has told me what it would be like.

Last month it was time, I was ready. I expected to feel very submissive, I expected to be okay with it. I never expected how freeing and defining and spiritual it would be for me. I kneeled in the shower for Him, He stood in front of me. As He began to piss on me, I had a flood of emotions. At first I felt all the old feelings start to come back to me, but very quickly I felt anointed, it was as if He were baptising me, making me His own. I felt reborn and strengthened. I raised my head up and looked at Him, I opened my mouth and leaned forward, taking it into my mouth and drinking it. The shame and degradation that I had once felt regarding this act was gone. He broke the spell of shame that had been placed on me. He took me away from my abusers' grasp. I wanted to yell out; "I did it again, I did it because I wanted to. I did it because I am His. No one forced me, I wanted to." I felt surrendered to J, I felt complete submission. I also felt tremendous strength, stronger than I have ever been. His piss washed away the hold another man had on me, a man I haven't seen in years. I am J's, completely, totally and proudly.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


Last night, after talking with J and then dutifully writing my post. I went to bed and touched myself. How different it was from the night before. Previously, when I had touched myself and then used my vibrator in search of an elusive orgasm, I had failed. I felt my body respond and then shut down. It was as if my cunt and clit were telling me I was not Him, I was not doing it right, that my fingers did not know how to touch and rub a climax from me. As I had told Him, it was extremely unsatisfying.

Last night, though, with His instructions and His permission in my mind. I did the same things, my fingers followed the same path, but I came. Hard and long and responsively. Obediently, for Him. It was fast and hard and almost violent, releasing the pent up frustration from the night before. I could feel His hands on me, I could feel His fingers, my legs began to draw up, my back arched, I heard moans escape from my mouth as I caught my breath. My muscles tensed more and more, my cunt was oozing and my clit throbbed. Until it all culminated in an explosion that rocked me, as I could hear His voice command me to "come now!"

Though He wasn't physically there, I felt Him pressed against me, His hands caressing me, and His breath and voice in my ear. I was alone in my room, yet under His control. My strong, independent, spoiled self was controlled, owned and dominated by Him. I was reduced to a shaking, breathless and sobbing mass. As I lay twitching and crying, I succumbed to sleep. I can only cry for Him and now maybe, I can only cum for Him as well. Last night He released my tension, frustration, my need and my tears. I was His, as I always am. I was His little girl, His pet, His woman. I love you J and I miss you very much.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Waiting for J and touching myself

I am a spoiled pet. Last month, J was able to visit weekly, before that it had still been more frequent with visits every couple of weeks. Though He was just here a week and a half ago, I miss Him terribly. Tonight, when we were talking, I commented that it was extremely unsatisfying to touch myself. It makes me miss Him more, I don't respond to my own touches as well as I respond to His. I do not cum as easily or as hard as when He makes me climax. I cannot even cum at all without imagining Him telling me to.

His response to my comment was "You keep saying that it's not satisfying. Perhaps I should tell you to wait until I'm there. What do you think?" Of course, that was not what I meant at all. Granted, I would much rather have Him here, but I also do not want to be on some sort of restriction. I tried to retract my comment, to explain what I really meant. I asked Him if He was going to allow me to touch myself. I was pretty horny after talking with Him and I wanted a release, even if it was by my own hand. He told me to tell Him why He should, then He said "Promise to write a public blog discussing this...with an explanation why I should."

So, that is what I am doing. Except the problem being that the reason I want permission is because I am selfish and spoiled. I just want to. That is not a very good reason. He told me He has faith that I can convince Him, that I can cite good reasons. I will try.

Maybe I am not selfish and spoiled, I am really just fairly independent. Not in a bratty or defiant way, but in the way our dynamic allows me to be. He has placed restrictions on me in the past, but only when a visit was scheduled and He was conditioning me for it (so to speak). He is in control, I gladly relinquish control to Him. Though my daily life and activities are pretty much my own. When He is not here, He allows me to govern what I do. I always try very hard to please Him or be pleasing to Him. I also enjoy giving Him control when He is here (or when He is not and demands it). He tends to exert His control enough to remind me that I am His, that I want to be His, that I happy, content and fulfilled to be His. He also wants me to be my own person, to be independent and make decisions. For Him to micro-manage my life and activities would be more of a chore for Him than a pleasure. He also views it as being detrimental to me. He likes and admires my strength and independence. He also likes that I choose to submit to Him.

Aside from the fact that I do like His control, and my admission that climaxes and release by my own hands are not nearly as satisfying as those He gives to me. It is still a release when I touch myself. It still meets a need. It also is a reminder of Him. I cannot touch myself without thinking of Him, fantasizing about Him, wanting Him madly. So, in that respect, even the climaxes I give to myself are still from Him. They are fueled by Him, granted by Him, even if He is not here and is not aware.

My blogging here is a bit of a moot point. He has in effect already given me permission to touch myself. He told me I may..."If you tell me now that you will write a sufficiently compelling reason." So, I hope that this is a sufficiently compelling reason, though He left that up to me. I hate it when He leaves things like this up to me and He knows it. That is why He does it. I am also directed to write again after the fact. I know this is His directive to have me write more. I have been neglectful of the blog. I have several posts pending that I have struggled with. I need to become more disciplined about writing, for myself and for Him. I began this blog for Him, when I neglect it, I am neglecting Him. I am sorry for that.

J, here is my post. I will write the follow-up as requested. I will write more, even when I struggle with it and don't feel like it. I love you. I am yours. Both those facts make me very happy.