Saturday, May 31, 2008

Today is my birthday!

Happy Birthday to Me!!

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Submissive Journal Prompts

Though I was familiar with the Submissive Journal Prompts, I never used them. I have enjoyed reading Shannee's responses though, so I thought I would try them.

~Where did you get the name you use online or in the scene? What is its meaning?
I have several names I use online. In this blog I write under the name of Alice. Obviously, from my blog title, this comes from Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. I have always loved this book and find much meaning and symbolism in it. When I began this blog, I felt that I was in the midst of a great adventure (I still am). I also knew that not everything was what it seemed to be, that my own Wonderland was my own alternate reality. Little did I know how true that was. It just gets curiouser and curiouser.

My last blog was written under the name of Lola. That was a nickname from high school. I don't really remember who gave it to me or why. That summer I worked as a counselor at a summer camp. We were each supposed to choose a nickname or pseudonym to go by, so I was Lola all summer. What Lola wants, Lola gets.

I am His pet. I love when He calls me pet, I feel very loved and cared for. It is endearing and sweet. I do not find this name degrading in the least, probably due to my relationship with my pets. My dogs are part of my family, they are loved and valued by me. I do not view my animals as being property or less worthy, I love them as much as some people. The pet dynamic for us, is most likely similar to Daddy/ little girl dynamic for others. Though I find the Daddy/little girl thing to be intriguing, it just doesn't work for me.

~When are you most aware of being owned/submissive?
Lately, I am aware of it all the time. It colors my thoughts and outlook on so many things. When we are together, I can feel His presence surrounding me, like a heady scent. It fills my senses and it clings to me, His presence/essence causes my submission to deepen. Even just the sound of His voice sends me to a deeper submissive state. My strongest feelings of submission come when I suck His cock. I love to do this, it is extremely pleasurable and sensuous for me. It also makes me acknowledge my place, my roll with Him, I feel very womanly at this time.

~What seven words would you use to describe yourself?
This is difficult for me to limit it to seven words, but here goes:
Seeker, Student, Mother/Grandmother, Teacher, Pet, Sensual, Strong

Since I feel that only seven words limit who I am, I will add a few.
Literary-as I love to read and to write.
Keeper-of memories, of stories, of heirlooms, of animals (my four legged children), of things (I am quite a pack rat).
Expressive-I love creating things: quilts, clothes, art, poems, prose, food.

~When you are near the end of your life, reflecting back over the years you have lived, the choices that you have made.. what would you like to remember?
I would like to know that I have lived and loved to the fullest of my ability. I want the people of importance in my life to know how deeply I love them. Beyond that, there are two sentiments that encompass my personal philosophy. The first is part of the Hippocratic Oath, or at least a paraphrase of it: Do no harm. The second is a quote from Horace Mann; Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity. I want to look back and know that rather than just complain about the injustices and inequality present in the world, I did something (no matter how small) to correct it. I want that legacy to live on through what I have taught and modeled to my children and grandchildren. Pretty lofty, huh?

~Do you enjoy deprivation of certain things you once took for granted?
I know that this was meant in the context of my submission, but that is not how I thought about it. Mostly due to financial hardships, beyond my control, my life has become simplified. I presently do not have a car, nor do I have extra money for much of anything. I could be all depressed and resentful about this (and sometimes I am) or I can recognize that I still have way more than most people globally. I am rich beyond belief, in the context of considering true poverty.

I like that I have had to adopt a more green lifestyle and that I have developed empathy for the plight of those with less than me. I like that my children have seen that there are many things that are in no way necessities. I have lived without air conditioning, a television, and transportation (save my own two feet and the goodwill of friends). I have still tried to share the resources that I do have. In our society, I am deprived, I am poor, but I feel rich. It is not the material things, or even the monetary things, that I took for granted, but it was my independence. I am now dependent on others for certain things, not needy dependent, but gratefully dependent. I enjoy the change it has made in me.

~If it occurs within your dynamic:
Do you find it to be annoying/frustrating?
Do you find that it is just one way amongst many to remind you of your status?
This is not really part of our dynamic. He has imposed orgasm restrictions before, but I did not feel deprived. It only served to heighten my desire and ultimate climaxes. Frustrating? Temporarily. Annoying? Not at all. I do love His control over me, if He chose to restrict me or deprive me of certain things, I would acquiesce. It probably would remind me of my submission. Of course, everything reminds me of my submission.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

This thing that we do

I have been thinking a lot lately. Pondering this thing that we do and why we do it. Although I dabbled in some kinky sex in the past, that bordered on submission, I never truly engaged in D/s until this past year. Now I do not think I could go without it. How is it, that I could live my entire adult life, until age 49, without something, only to have it end up being such an integral part of my being?

He is the only man who has ever truly dominated me. His domination extends beyond the kink and the sex, He dominates my entire being. I feel His essence deep within me. It has effected every aspect of my life. My outlook and my view of life has changed. He has expanded my world, my walls have come down and He has allowed me to take my place in the universe again. Rather than keeping little bits of myself, each in their own small compartment, I have become integrated into a whole being. I have connected with myself and with what is outside of myself. Our relationship drives me, to want more, explore more, accept more. Not just more kink, pain and sex, but more life, more wholeness, more oneness with the universe.

Within the confines of our relationship, He has control. He leads and I follow. He is careful to always lead a few steps in front of where I am, pulling me forward into where He is sure I already want to be. Planting seeds of suggestions and desires in my mind, allowing them to take root and grow. It is a give and take, the further I go the further He takes me. The further He takes me the further I go. Our desires are ever expanding, as our devotion and our experiences grow, the effects extend beyond us. His influence ripples out from me in ever widening circles, creating a force that has repercussions far beyond the sphere of our relationship.

Recently, I feel I can see the whole picture of things. I can see our place in the universe, we are but a small speck in a huge expanse. However, I know that speck is woven into a larger thread, if it would cease to exist, the entire fabric would be changed by the void. I sense my insignificance, as well as my importance, both in our relationship and in the cosmos. These contradictory sides of my existence are juxtaposed in my mind, making me think and seek my place and my role. I am beginning to see all the possibilities, my limits are removed, anything is possible.

Every person takes the limits of their own field of vision for the limits of the world.
~Arthur Schopenhauer

Our work for peace must begin within the private world of each one of us. To build for man a world without fear, we must be without fear. To build a world of justice, we must be just.
~Dag Hammarskjold

Chase after the truth like hell and you'll free yourself, even though you never touch its coat-tails.
~Clarence Darrow

Every little event is like a pebble in the water that ripples outward and touches places the pebble never could.
~Adam Rifkin

Saturday, May 24, 2008


Celine Dion - Seduces Me

Each day that passes, increases my desire to surrender and to hold nothing back. I want to open myself to be available to serve Him completely. I want to respond to and fulfill His needs. In my effort to make this more about Him and to diminish my own needs, I have come to realize that is impossible. My needs are to surrender and serve Him. The more it becomes about His desires, the more that feeds into my own desires. My understanding of the dynamic we share, of the power exchange is clearer to me everyday. The more I give, the more He takes, the closer I am to meeting my own needs. We are dependent on each other, our needs are reciprocal.

This has been a seduction. We have not seduced each other, we have been seduced by our own desires. The deeper into this we go, the more we want and need. My thoughts and desires are of the likes I never entertained before. I want to be used and objectified. I want to be exposed, to have my proclivities revealed. Not to be labeled a slut, but His slut. I want others to know the depth of my submission and the extent of His control. I crave the intensity and severity of the pain that He inflicts on me. I want to be lost in it and freed by it. I am seduced by the possibility of where my surrender will take me. I want to be marked with His welts and bruises. I want to be bound to Him by piercings. I want to be marked by His piss, like an animal marking their territory. I want everything He does and everything I accept, to emphasize His possession of me.

I want to perform for Him and on Him with another woman. I am willing to perform and expose myself to an audience of His choice. I am His, as His possession He can expose me or share me. He plants the seeds of His fantasies in my mind where they grow and become my own desires. I want to perform for others and be covered in their spunk, then have Him claim me by washing it off with His piss. My desires and thoughts are sometimes so raw they disturb me. Yet, I feel deeply inside of me the depravity of wanting to be pushed and tested in every way.

He owns me, I am not His slave, I give myself to Him freely. I could as easily take my submission back, but I won't. My desire for the obscene, could not exist without the trust and the caring. My experience is a spiritual one. The desire to satisfy my soul by denial of self and abjective treatment. I struggle to find the balance, the understanding. My struggle reveals that I am moving forward on instinct. I am seduced by my lack of understanding, our relationship is not balanced. He holds the power and the control, the scales are tipped. I struggle and reach deep inside to even find the words to express this need. How do I explain something I cannot understand? Still this part of me is increasing. Originally, I suppressed what I felt to be a perversion, now I embrace what I know to be pure and absolute.

Am I surrendering to Him or am I surrendering to my own needs? They are one and the same. Has this always been there or has He awakened this in me? I have never allowed myself to explore these dark yearnings so fully. I wonder where this will lead, if there is an end. How deep am I willing to go? I need to submit, to surrender, despite that need, He is the only one who has been able to evoke that response in me.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

I Do What I Have To Do

What ravages of spirit

conjured this temptuous rage

created you a monster

broken by the rules of love

and fate has lead you through it

you do what you have to do

and fate has led you through it

you do what you have to do ...

and I have the sense to recognize that

I don't know how to let you go

every moment marked

with apparitions of your soul

I'm ever swiftly moving

trying to escape this desire

the yearning to be near you

I do what I have to do

the yearning to be near you

I do what I have to do

but I have the sense to recognize

that I don't know how

to let you go

I don't know how

to let you go

a glowing ember

burning hot

burning slow

deep within I'm shaken by the violence

of existing for only you

I know I can't be with you

I do what I have to do

I know I can't be with you

I do what I have to do

and I have sense to recognize but

I don't know how to let you go

I don't know how to let you go

I don't know how to let you go

Sunday, May 11, 2008


We had talked about restraints before. Previously, He had cuffed my wrists behind me, while He flogged me. This time however, He surprised me. He had brought a bed restraint system. When we returned from dinner, He put wrist and ankle cuffs on me and attached them to the straps that were on the mattress. I love the sensation I get from being restrained. It enables me to let go, I can focus on what is being done to me and not have to worry about staying in position.

While I was restrained, He proceeded to provide me with an array of sensations. I am not sure I can even recall all of what He did to me and certainly not in any kind of order, I felt as if I were immersed in His Domination. I was totally His, He possessed me, He controlled me, He released me from myself. I do know that He whipped my clit and my breasts, I was soaking wet and extremely aroused. Every stroke He gave me brought me closer and charged my entire being. The pain and pleasure verged on becoming one sensation. They mixed together, washing over me. He touched me, rubbing my clit and dipping His fingers inside of me, He brought me to the edge and pushed me over.

While I was still riding the waves of my climax, He placed clothespins on my clit, labia, and breasts. After the initial bite of them closing on my flesh, the sensation turned to a nice buzzing pressure. I could feel the slick wetness dripping from my cunt. I could see His pleasure and amusement, as He played with the clothespins. Brushing His hand over them, clacking them together. He smiled as I pulled against the restraints. He toyed with me, putting more clothespins on my toes and my tongue. He teased me, talking about using all of them, covering me in clothespins. Then, He began removing them. With each one, I flinched and jerked from the burn of the blood rushing back, but I relaxed as it turned into a nice warm glow.

As I lay there, basking in the sensation, I saw Him reach into the desk drawer and get something out. I couldn't see what it was, He held it out of my sight. He walked back to the foot of the bed and as He leaned over my cunt, I heard a small buzzing sound. Then I felt something on my clit, it felt like an electrical charge, I thought I was being shocked. I pulled and struggled as He kept it up. He moved up to my breasts and I saw what He had as He applied it to my nipples. I was quite surprised to see an electric toothbrush. It felt like an electric current. It was an incredible sensation.

I love His control over me. I love the way He toys with me, using my body for His amusement and satisfaction. I love that He can make me orgasm, again and again, with His voice, with His touch, with my mind. He gives so much to me. My surrender to Him brings me pleasure, satisfaction, and freedom. He releases me from my mundane existence, from my carefully controlled persona and He allows me to be His pet, His slut, His whore. I want to be all things to Him. I want to step into whatever role He desires of me at the time. I love belonging to Him.

Thursday, May 8, 2008


Prior to our time together last week, we had discussed caning. I had expressed an interest, even though it scared me a bit. He challenged me in many ways during the time we were together. Pushing my limits just the right amount, He acknowledged that I might not be ready for the cane. I shared the same doubts, I have never considered myself a masochist (though I think I am becoming one), I embraced the idea, but was frightened of the reality of it. The idea, the desire overcame my fears and I asked Him for it on our last night. I asked Him for only two strokes, I knew that I could tolerate that much.

Two strokes turned into more, five or six. I asked for them. Next time, I want more. The sensation was not what I expected, the pain was there, but so was the pleasure. It put me in a very submissive state, it took me to that alternate headspace where I am able to disassociate. I guess that is my sub-space. I love the feeling of surrendering to Him, of being able to access that dream-like state. It allowed me to separate the physical sensation from the spiritual high.

I have been reading Radical Ecstasy by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton. It talks about the spiritual side of BDSM, of being able to acheive transcendent states through S/m and sexual practices. It talks about the spiritual states achieved through pain in many pagan and shaman religions. The authors talk about using BDSM to achieve states of spiritual bliss. I understand the concepts that they discuss. I understand the the trance-like quality that sexual pain can lead to, the universal connectedness that can be achieved. Maybe this is the reason I have been craving more and more pain. In addition to the experience of my connecting to Him through total surrender, I feel connected to the universe. It is the feeling of letting go, of being outside myself. It is a very spiritual thing.

I still struggle at times to achieve that transcendence, to be able to let go and give in to the the experience and sensation. He knows me so well, He knows where my mind is. He knows when to push me more and when to ease up. My trust in Him is absolute, no fear exists with Him. Any unsurety stems from my doubts in myself, in my own abilities. I greatly anticipate the realms where He will take me, the states that He will enable me to achieve.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008


Last week when I was packing to return home, realizing that shortly there would be miles between us again, He asked me if I would like to take the toy bag with me and keep it for us. This may seem like a casual question and most people would minimize the meaning of it and the effect it had on me. To me, this was an ultimate gesture of His acceptance of me and validation of us.

It is not that I don't know He accepts me. He has always told me and demonstrated to me how He feels. He has always communicated my importance to Him and His commitment to what we share. I belong to Him, I have surrendered myself to Him, I need Him. He has told me that He values me, He holds my submission, my surrender in great esteem. I feel safe with Him, I feel cherished by Him, His words and actions have always allowed me to feel secure. That is why I wasn't sure why I was touched so deeply by His request. I didn't comment on it at the time, I was afraid I was reading too much into it. I took it to be a promise of times to come, an expression of His commitment to me. It was a testament of our longevity, a demonstration of His trust in me. This gesture of His stirred strong emotions in me. I recognized the magnitude of what was being offered to me, more than a bag of toys and implements, it was a symbol of our relationship, of what we share.

This week, He confirmed my feelings surrounding the request. He let me know that I was not wrong in assuming the significance. He revealed that His intention was exactly what I hoped it had been. He told me: I will say, that I hope you realize that my asking you to hold my bag of "toys" was not for convenience, but a sign that I hope, and expect, to spend more time together. And a sign that I do not need to look for anyone else to satisfy my desires for a woman to satisfy and serve me. It was more than a gesture. It was, in its own way, a form of commitment and acceptance. His words pleased me, they made me feel prized and treasured all over again. I now hold a physical symbol of His return, an expectation of what we will share, the hope of our future. Thank you J.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008


My love of music encompasses a broad range of genres. Different songs speak to me through the lyrics and the feelings they evoke. I have always loved this song, but it now speaks to me in a different way. To me, it emphasizes our spiritual connection. He has always been my lover. He knows that I will trust Him. He has touched my body with His mind. As I travel with Him, blindly following Him, I feel I have always known Him. I believe we have shared a love, a knowledge, in a past life.

Suzanne takes you down to her place near the river
You can hear the boats go by
You can spend the night beside her
And you know that she's half crazy
But that's why you want to be there
And she feeds you tea and oranges
That come all the way from China
And just when you mean to tell her
That you have no love to give her
Then she gets you on her wavelength
And she lets the river answer
That you've always been her lover
And you want to travel with her
And you want to travel blind
And you know that she will trust you
For you've touched her perfect body with your mind.

Monday, May 5, 2008

What did you expect?

Do you have an inclination for BDSM?
created with
You scored as Submissive

(((Note: This quiz is not totally comprehensive because of the length such a quiz would be. I kept it sex-based because I felt that psychological profiles and motivations were too complicated and vary too greatly among people that practice BDSM.)))

It feels good to serve. A lack of control in the bedroom can be fun and relaxing. Being with a dominant person wouldn't be a bad idea.





Degradation Lover


Exhibitionist / Voyeur














The overall results of the did not surprise me. There are a few things that I did not expect, but which may have resulted from the wording of the test. Though 21% switch is a low score, I have never considered nor wanted to switch. I also do not know where the 18% sadist score came from, unless it is a desire to occasionally inflict pain on my co-workers or my sister. He may be pleased to see that I scored 79% exhibitionist, though I think that much of that score actually represents the voyuer side, but He is training me. I was really glad to find out that being with a Dominant person is not a bad idea.

Sunday, May 4, 2008


My time with Him last week has left me reflective. I am reflecting on Him and our relationship. I am also reflecting on my life. I have been posting a lot on my other blog about things, it is about time I post here about us.

Last week was a time of reconnection for us. It had been too long since we were physically together. Many things had happened in the interim, which had impacted our commitment to each other. Being with Him made me realize that I have never felt so dedicated and so right with someone. We had discussed so many things we wanted to explore, so many boundaries that we wanted to cross. The things we did, the reaches He took me to, were just perfect. He knows me so well, He knows what I need and what I am ready for.

My world was a wonderful place, from our first hug and kiss, til the moment I left. I was His happy little pet, just being with Him. He has started a new custom for us, each time we were in the elevator (whether we were alone or it was crowded) He pinched my nipples, hard. My knees weaken every time.

When I arrived Monday night and we went to the room, I undressed and presented myself to Him, just like the very first time we were together. I know I am accepted by Him, I know I am His, but this reinforces my submission and puts me in the right mindset. Then, He put me over His knees and spanked me, long and hard. He would stop to reach down and see how wet I was and to pinch and twist my nipples.

He let me kneel before Him and suck His cock. Having His cock in my mouth, combined with His hand in my hair and His hands around my throat, from time to time, left me soaking wet. I am obsessed with His cock, I love having it in my mouth every chance I get. Nothing else emphasizes to me exactly who I am as this does (and certainly not in such an in your face kind of way.) He told me to close my eyes and I thought He was putting the nipple clamps on, but instead it was sets of small diameter dowels rods (chopstick size) with tiny o-rings slid on each end. The closer to the middle the o-rings, the tighter the dowels. This made it very easy for Him to grab the dowel rods and twist them around. My nipples are very sensitive and are wired right to my cunt. I love when He plays with them, gently or very hard, the sensation electrifies my clit.

Then He directed me to lay back on the bed and masturbate so He could watch me, I was wet and ready and begging by the time I heard Him say, "Come for me pet." I exploded, I was floating, I felt drunk. He played with me some more, until finally, about 9:30, we went out for drinks and dinner.

I sat across from Him in a booth, at a neighborhood bar. I could still feel the heat from my ass. We had drinks and appetizers while He sat back in amusement and verbally directed me to another orgasm. Then He had me reach down my pants, to check how wet I was, and offer my fingers to Him, so He could check too. I had been watchful of the other patrons, I didn't think anyone had noticed. Then, A man who had been sitting behind Him, in view of me, walked by, looked at me, smiled knowingly and nodded. I averted my eyes, I'm sure I blushed, but I also was a little proud. When we walked back to the hotel, it was windy and cold, it didn't seem to really bother me too much though. Our night was just beginning...

Thursday, May 1, 2008


I have just returned from spending two days with Him. I am content and sated, for now. I am His, I belong to Him, He holds my heart and soul in His grip. I have been spanked, tied, clamped, whipped, caned, kissed, touched, fucked, bitten, and made to climax, more times than I could count. I did not want to leave, my heart ached as I drove home. Of course, so did my ass. I am grateful for the tenderness today, I take comfort in the bruises that I wear. The marks that He left on me make me fulfilled and wistful, at the same time. They serve as reminders of His hands on me, His control over me, His possession of me. They also remind me of what I am missing, now that we are apart again.

How grateful I am for the time we had together. Being able to serve Him and pleasure Him has made me a very content little pet. His attentions, both harsh and gentle, indulged and calmed my immediate needs. Each encounter we have leaves me changed. Each time I am shaped, molded by Him. I strive to offer Him abject humility and complete obedience, to respond without thought or hesitation. I desire to totally subjugate my body and will to Him. I want to still the internal dialogue, to only hear and respond to His voice, His instruction. I am getting there, His desires and fantasies have become mine.

Even as the marks He left fade, I still carry His marks on my mind. I long for the sting of His hand, the slap of His belt and the bite of the cane. More than ever, I need to serve Him, physically, sexually, mentally. I belong to Him.