Thursday, November 27, 2008

Thanksgiving kink

I know that today is a time of reflection and gratitude. I have written a post on my Dog's House blog recounting the many blessings I have in my life. One of my greatest blessings is J. I never anticipated how important he would become to me. He offers me so much in my life, in addition to everything else, he makes me laugh. I know the BDSM community can be a pretty serious bunch. I take TTWD pretty seriously too, but I also love that we can have fun with it. I love the fact that he can joke with me and make me smile. I came across this video on another blog and thought I would share it here.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you kinksters!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Calming effect

I have mentioned before the calming and grounding effect that J has on me. He does not have to even be present, I have so integrated Him into my psyche that I feel His nearness and His influence at all times. I only need to focus myself on Him and it is as if He is standing next to me, holding me. For me, our connection is very spiritual and intimate. I am amazed by the power and influence that He has in my life. It humbles me and it makes me grateful for Him.

I recently came across this video and realized it was the perfect demonstration of what He does to me. In fact, there are times when I can actually feel His presence spreading over me, smoothing out the ripples in my life.

Now, if I could only get a spanking...

Saturday, November 22, 2008


"Not to be absolutely certain is, I think, one of the essential things in rationality."

"When one admits that nothing is certain one must, I think, also admit that some things are much more nearly certain than others."

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts."

~Bertrand Russell

I came to realize this week that uncertainty is just part of life. I also realized that I am much more certain of J, than I am of myself. For many years, I did not trust myself (nor anyone else), I had made some big mistakes in my life that had rocked my confidence. J has returned that trust to me. He has accompanied me on a journey of exploration and self-actualization. I once again trust my instincts and I also trust Him. So, the insight that I have gained, is that I will never figure it all out. I continue to think and reflect on my experiences and my thoughts, but I do not have to know all the whys and the wherefores. He has freed me to indulge in my examination and exploration of my thoughts and my fantasies. It becomes even more revealing to me, when He explores my mind. J is the only person that I have ever been able to be completely open with. In fact, I am compelled to be open and honest with Him. The insight He gains from that is never used to pressure me or judge me, only to know me and understand me. He is more accepting of me, than I am of myself. I have revealed my unacceptable thoughts and desires to Him and He is still here. He still loves me and wants me, even when I struggle to love myself.

My self-analysis and the judgements I have made based on that, have been largely unnecessary. While my reflections and my observations continue, I can step back and wait to see where all of this will take us. The favor and the love that He bestows upon me, allow me to continue to grow, trust and explore. I am not alone in this, He is my guide and my trailblazer. He scouts out the path ahead, making sure it is safe, before leading me down this uncharted path. The one thing I am certain of is that I will be fine.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

metaphysical meditations

I am still trying to understand my desires and a new awareness that has overtaken me of late. I have been fairly quiet here, I have attempted several times to write, to journal through this in a post and failed. Yet my need to put this out there, to gain some insight, to figure it all out, is strong. I know that the roadblock is within myself, I am retraining my mind to think and to learn in a way that is alien to my Western indoctrination. So, forgive me if I ramble and repeat myself, for I am just going to write as my thoughts come to me.

My thoughts and my desires continue to swirl around me and I find myself grasping little pieces of understanding from this cloud of ideas. Much of this is confusing to me, these ideas, feelings and desires are emanating from within me, yet I cannot grasp the concept as a whole. Part of me remains too rooted in the past, too conditioned, to let go and fully experience this present. Though, I also realize that this is the key. I need to just be, to accept and experience what is occurring. I am not sure my actual desire is so much for the pain, as it is for what will result from the administration and experiencing pain. I crave being used and objectified, my goal is not to be oppressed, but to be freed. My physical self is an object, nothing more, perhaps the pain and the use that I desire for my physical self is really a means to free my spiritual self. This is certainly not a new concept. For centuries, in all manor of religions and spiritualities, people have used pain to achieve transcendence.

But it is more than the pain I am craving, it is the vulnerability, the surrender. I want to completely give myself to Him. I want to let go, I want to be emptied of my own will, I want to become a vessel that fulfills His desires. We have shared this before, this ultimate exchange that I need. In those moments, when I have been able to unconditionally yield all of myself to Him, I felt myself filled with His energy, as my own power drained out of me. I have this vague image of being sacrificed on His altar. I came across a quote from Socrates: "Every pleasure or pain has a sort of rivet with which it fastens the soul to the body and pins it down and makes it corporeal, accepting as true whatever the body certifies." I want to remove that rivet, I want to break free from the body and experience a different truth.

I suppose that part of my struggle has been with classifying my desires into good or bad. The baggage from my past teaches good versus evil. Maybe there is no good or evil, maybe it is all in the context or the intent. I have been taught that certain things are bad or taboo, but what if they are just things, just acts, no classification. If I remove the restrictions of those labels, does that make everything that could occur between us acceptable? I try not to pass judgement on others, if their actions do not produce harm to anyone else, so why should I impose judgement on myself? I do believe that, at times, guilt has a purpose and a place. That said, I need to figure out when guilt should be heeded and when guilt is simply a restrictive emotion. I certainly do not feel guilt over all that we do, I have found great joy and contentment in our relationship. It is those recent thoughts and yearnings that have caused me conflict. I sometimes feel I am being lured over to the dark side. I am not ready or willing to share all of my innermost thoughts here, just believe me when I say that some of them shock and even repel me. So it is this duality within me that I am trying to resolve.

I also must add that it is the closeness and the depth of trust in my relationship with J that has brought me to this point of self-exploration. He has revealed my needs and my nature to me. He has enabled me to be truthful with Him and with myself. He has encouraged me to embrace my desires and my sexuality. Previously, I would have repressed and ignored "unacceptable" thoughts and desires. I did not trust myself, or anyone else, enough to admit or discuss my needs or fantasies. He has changed all of that, He has transformed me into a more thoughtful, accepting and reflective individual. I have grown and evolved under His guidance. I recognize that my journey is not a solitary one. This conflict has not arisen from any coersion or influence on His part, it has developed out of my own desires. Though, my greatest desire is to overcome any guilt or limitations that may hinder our path.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Love Our Lurkers

Today is the third annual Love Our Lurkers Day, originated by Bonnie at My Bottom Smarts. This is an invitation to all of my readers to leave a comment and introduce yourselves. Let me know you were here, tell me what you like (or dislike) about the blog, leave your name and location or do so anonymously. Feel free to ask questions or just to say hi.

Your presence, as readers, enhances this blog. This is your day! I know you're out there. Come on, make my day!

Monday, November 10, 2008

Floating into Darkness

I have been sick for six days. Today, I am finally beginning to feel better. The worst part was not even feeling sick, it was not being able to think. Whether it was the illness or the medication I have been taking, I have not been able to concentrate at all. My head is finally clearing, so I thought I would muddle through a post. I will try very hard to have this make sense.

This past week, being sick, I have just moved through a fog. I went to work, because I had to. I did accomplish a few mindless tasks at home, laundry, dishes, but to do more than that, I kept losing my place. I spent time sitting at the computer, but mostly just staring at the screen. I did think a lot about J, I thought about sitting at his feet with my head in his lap. That thought was comforting and reassuring to me. As of now, however, the fog is clearing and I am feeling floaty and a little disembodied, not unlike sub-space. Maybe that is why, today, I am tremendously lustful. And I don't just want sex, I want to be hurt. I want to be spanked, caned and whipped, but I also want to be caressed, rubbed and teased. I yearn to be used, objectified and humiliated. I don't even know why, that is not our usual form of play, but, tonight, I am feeling masochistic and I want Him to be sadistic with me. It is a moot point right now, since we are not together and no play is going to occur. I also know that, in reality, one good, hard strike of the cane might end my masochistic streak.

I am not a masochist. In fact, when I read about someone being whipped until they are bleeding, or being punched, or being cut, or playing with needles, I cringe. Yet, there is a part of my mind that occasionally slips into dark crevasses of desire. Perhaps it is a morbid curiosity, or maybe it is unspoken desire that I usually suppress and deny. Those thoughts may be buried and hidden, but they are there nonetheless. Before I knew J, I never would have allowed them to surface at all. Even now, it is rare, but in this fog, in this floaty state of mind they are drifting up to consciousness. I am safe with J. He keeps me safe, even from my own thoughts and inclinations. There are things I desire with Him, that would repulse me with anyone else. We connect on such a deep level, He understands things about me that I do not understand myself. He is able to shine light into those crevasses, He is giving a voice to my darkest thoughts. I am not even sure if they are wrong or if I have just been taught they are wrong. I do know that thoughts and fantasies do not have to be acted on. I also know that He has freed me to explore those thoughts safely and to discover the difference.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

I'm a snit

When I was a little insufferable girl (as opposed to a big insufferable girl), my sister used to call me a snit. This is the sister that I am actually close to now. I don't really know what that means. I think it is somewhere between "having your panties in a wad" and being an "annoying, shallow, little bitch." In any case, I feel like a snit. This week, I have been easily annoyed. This usually only happens when I am encountered by in your face ignorance, combined with arrogance.

My co-worker will absolutely not keep his yap shut. Last Friday he was talking about guns. He stated that every home should have one. He said that gun owners should be able to have assault weapons, because, someday, we may have to once again form militias and defend ourselves against the government (scary, huh). I ignored the last part of his diatribe (I mean, honestly, how do you even respond to that?) and I told him that I am not opposed to gun ownership, if the owner is responsible and can make sure no accidents will happen (is that even possible?). I told him that my ex-husband owned guns (he was a cop, for crying out loud) and he offered me one for protection when we split. I declined, knowing that I would be a single, working mother with boys at home. I know how to shoot, I am an excellent marksman, my boys know how to shoot, but I would never have had a gun at home with the boys. Too much of an equation for disaster, especially when they were teenagers. He responded by telling me that my problem was making guns taboo. If I had just taken the time to teach them proper safety and respect, it would have been fine. I went off! I told him that he had no clue and no right to tell me how to parent my children, especially considering that he has never raised children (thank God his DNA has not been passed on). I told him that I would absolutely refuse to discuss any political or controversial topics with him ever again. I told him that I find his views offensive, and though I am not opposed to healthy debate, arguing with him is toxic.

Last week, I commented on a discussion thread in Fetlife. Apparently, I stepped on some one's toes, because he came at me with a vengeance. Somehow, (okay, with my help) the thread spread to other discussion groups and took on a life of its own. I am ashamed to admit I participated in a flaming war and I just could not walk away from the fight. As of today, it is over. (Except for my rehashing it here, I have to get it out of my system.) The one thread was shut down by the moderator and I have made a commitment that I will not be sucked back into any others.

Don't get me wrong, there really are plenty of times that I bite my tongue and walk away. Sometimes, I just can't (or don't want to), I do not feel like everyone should agree with me. I do try to expose myself to differing opinions and understand others. I just want a little respect and consideration in return. I want a little concession, an acknowledgement that they they might be wrong. Or at least, let's agree to disagree. Yet, there are times that I find myself being stubborn and judgemental too. I would like to think that I am above being reactionary, that I don't have anything to prove, that if I encounter rudeness I can walk away. The truth is that occasionally, I get sucked in. Reacting and arguing that way, makes me feel like a pitbull in lipstick. Something I definitely do not want to become (on either side of the aisle). So, why do I do it? (Paul and Shannee, I am open to suggestions.)

J has also had a bad week. He has been working crazy hours, under a great deal of stress. I would have loved to have been in complete service to Him (I did try to be supportive, despite the distance), but I was over in Fetlife, arguing with a lunatic. Great submissive attitude. Maybe this pet needs a muzzle and a leash. Actually, He is the key, when I focus my energy on Him, I am fine. He is my focal point, my center. My submission negates my need to prove anything to anyone (but Him). His caring dominance is the only validation that I need. Focusing on Him calms me. I just need to always remember that. I am a very lucky girl and I do know it!

To my readers: I apologize for my atypical post and my atypical behavior. I do learn a great deal from you and you do keep me honest. To J, I apologize for losing my focus, I'll try to do better. I will reward you all with the following, found on Ponygirl's blog.

If that doesn't make you smile, nothing will.