Sunday, June 27, 2010

Counting the Hours

J will be here in a couple of days. It has been a month since we were together, it seems like ten times that long. He has spoiled me this year, His visits have been very frequent. Of course He could have been here last week and I would still miss Him like crazy. I am very excited about seeing Him. His birthday was a couple of weeks ago and we have not celebrated it yet. I have been so exhausted lately that I hadn't even planned a special dinner for Him. I was feeling drained and uninspired. This past week has been better. I went to the chiropractor and finally quit hurting. I took some time for myself and met up with some old friends from high school. I have been making an attempt to get to bed earlier and I have been sleeping better. Despite my concerns about my grandchildren, I did not keep them this weekend. I feel a tad bit guilty about that last one, but I realized that running myself into the ground was not doing anyone any good.

J always encourages me to take care of myself, it is a hard thing for me to do. He is right though and I am feeling much better than I have in a while. It has given me the energy to get inspired about planning a nice dinner for Him. Last night, browsing through food porn, I found the perfect meal for His birthday dinner. I can't tell what it is, I want to surprise Him with it. Today, I made a trip to Jungle Jim's and bought everything I need as well as a couple of bottles of wine. I love cooking for Him and serving Him in every way. I always look forward to seeing Him. I desire and lust for Him all the time, I love Him more than I have ever loved anyone, I admire Him and truly enjoy His company. It renews me and centers me to spend time with Him. But I have to admit, it is my service to Him and pleasing Him that satisfies me the most. I am delighted that I will be cooking for Him.

I have been thinking and fantasizing about all sorts of things; His touches, His kisses, His spankings, His cock. However, the one thing I crave above all else is sucking His cock and exploring Him with my mouth. I love the way that feels to me, all the different textures and tastes of the different parts of His body. I love how His cock feels in my mouth, the way it makes me feel. Not just the submissive feelings I get from it, but it makes me feel very feminine, very female. Maybe it is the fact that His cock, His maleness, is just right there in my face, maybe it is the fact that I can please Him so much that way. He has the perfect cock. I love to touch it, to lick it and suck it, to feel it inside me. I am a bit obsessed and fascinated by it.

Other than dinner, the rest of the evening will be entirely up to Him. He may decide to mark me, He may decide to bind me, He may decide to see how many times in a row He can make me cum for Him, He may just want me to give Him a massage and pleasure Him with my mouth. He did promise me that I definitely could suck His cock. I'm sure it will be a wonderful evening.

Sunday, June 20, 2010


I have not been writing, life has been a whirlwind and I have been feeling as if I am in a race most of the time. My work has not only been extraordinarily busy, but down right dangerous some days. My home life has been wrought with things demanding my time and attention. Through it all, I have been peaceful and thankful, save a few 'woe is me' moments that usually stem from exhaustion and hormonal flux. I have noticed that I have been cocooning. Not withdrawing from people (I have a wonderful support system right now), but wrapping myself up and embracing the solitude when I can. I have needed to do that to keep my head in the right place, otherwise it is just too easy to let the negativity creep in. I think that is why I have not been writing, when I have a moment, I just want to go deep inside myself, rather than write on the blog and put myself out there even more. Writing has always been my way of reflecting and working through things though, so I need to find a balance.

J recognizes the therapeutic value of my writing too, He has been gently reminding me and encouraging me to get back to it. He has been an incredible source of strength and comfort to me. He helps me find a balance in my life that I am sure would be lost without Him. I am aware of how precarious that balancing act is and I credit Him with the ease that I have maintained it. Previously in my life I have struggled with that.

I feel I have so many different roles in my life right now. Some roles that I thought were finished. My oldest son and his wife have been struggling mightily with many things in their lives and parenting has been one of those things. I have had to step in and take more responsibility for my grandchildren, I am aware that I may have to assume temporary custody of them for awhile, though I am hoping to not have to take that step. Since my own boys are grown, my role as a mother had changed significantly, now it is changing again. My parenting has ramped up for my oldest again, except he is an adult, so I have put in place things that must occur for the sake of my grandchildren, but left the responsibility for implementing them up to him. I am hoping things improve for them. I love my grandchildren, but being a 24/7 grandma is not what I envision for this stage of my life.

I also fear that my submission to J might suffer. I am very devoted to Him. I am secure in my role to Him, it fulfills me and meets my needs, as much as it does His. Things have stalled in some ways though, we are not moving backwards, but the forward journey we were on has slowed. I know He desires to take me farther, I desire that too, it is just difficult at the moment. I need to adjust my schedule and find the time to work on the things He has requested of me. Ultimately, I know it will benefit me. But again, I find myself drawing into a cocoon instead of putting myself out there more. I am already feeling very vulnerable, and while my vulnerability to J is a relief to me, being vulnerable to others is very hard. I crave my surrender to J, it allows me to let go of everything else and be free for the duration. It gives me a much needed break from the rest. It also fulfills a very real need in me, it lets me explore a facet of my personality that I otherwise suppress. He will be here soon and I am very glad for that. Although it hasn't been a very long time, it feels like the last time we were together was forever ago. I am hungry for Him, to taste Him, to serve Him, to surrender to Him. I am safe in His hands, I am strengthened by His presence, I am fortified by His love and caring. I am strengthened and calmed by my submission to Him.

Considering all that is on my plate, I am amazingly good. I am blessed and I am grateful and I love this thing that we do, because J does it so well.