Wednesday, December 31, 2008
2008 presented me with many challenges as well, but I have survived and persevered. I have cried and empathized and commiserated with many friends (both in person and on the blogs), I am not the only one who has faced adversity. J has provided me with strength and with opportunities for growth in all manner of things. He has been a constant source of love and caring. I am grateful for all He gives to me and all the we share.
Thank you J for every thing. I hope to provide you with much pleasure and service throughout 2009 and as long as the universe allows.
Happy New Year all.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Knowing my past and my family history (even prior to my existence) has given me a sense of connectedness and belonging. As a child, I loved stories about my parents, grandparents and ancestors. I wanted to know the whole story, where we came from and who we were. Often those stories contained gaps, either things not remembered or things not told. And even more of those stories were a bit fictionalized, my father glossed over and trivialized the painful and difficult times. My mother didn't want to recount the struggles (or maybe didn't want to remember them). That left my imagination to fill in the gaps, to create my own version of what might have been.
I have always read, a lot. I have also had a love of movies. Certain books and movies stirred and fueled my imagination. When my mother talked of being poor and living during the Depression, I filled in the details from A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. I didn't confuse fiction with reality, but it gave me a sense of how things were. When my father talked of growing up in Minnesota on a farm, it brought to mind Walnut Grove of the Little House series. To a greater degree, I yearned for more exotic. I wondered about our European roots, what life had been like in the Old Country. That was where accuracy came to matter less. It was the tradition that I craved. When I first saw Fiddler on the Roof, I wondered if there were any Russian Jews in our ancestry. (No there were not, but that didn't stop me from thinking.) I wondered what it would have been like to have lived with that sense of ritual. No matter that we weren't Jewish, or that the story was fictionalized and turned into a musical, I was sure that somewhere in history we shared a similarity.
Of course, when I saw Gone With the Wind, I wanted our history to be peppered with plantations and southern belles. Though, I think that I really just wanted to have Rhett Butler carry me up the stairs to the bedroom. I had a need to be dominated, even then. I identified much more with feisty Scarlett, than gracious Melanie.
Sometimes, we can be mired in our history and our tradition. Sometimes, we forget why we do the things we do. As Tevya says; "Because of our traditons, we've kept our balance for many, many years. We have traditions for everything. How to sleep. How to eat. How to work. How to wear clothes. For instance, we always keep our heads covered and always wear a little prayer shawl. This shows our constant devotion to God. You may ask, how did this tradtion get started? I'll tell you. I don't know. But it's a tradtition, and because of our traditions, everyone of us knows who he is and what God expects him to do."
Over the years, I have gone from blindly following traditions and beliefs, to questioning it all. That hasn't always led me to abandon my traditions and beliefs, sometimes it has confirmed to me the reasons for it all. Other times, it has showed me the error of things, the perpetuation of the baseless myths. I have evolved, as have my children (hopefully), by defining and refining what I believe and what I do. There are things I have let go of and there are things I have embraced.
Before you all ask, where is the kink and the sex in this? Bear with me, I am getting there. All of those rituals and beliefs have given me a sense of belonging, it became my identity. It kept me balanced. Much like what my submission does now. That submission, our relationship, has not taken the place of those rituals and beliefs, but it has enhanced them. My submission to J gives me a sense of identity. It is a part of me, just as important as all of those other parts of me. From it, I derive a feeling of belonging, a sense of security. We have developed our own ritual, we have achieved our own balance. My role, my service to Him keeps me grounded, it's what I do. My relationship to J, has also helped me see my relationship in the Universe.
Okay, so there really isn't any kink and sex in this one. Just some rambling thoughts pulled from my mind that is clouded by holiday excess. If you've read this far, Bless you! I warn you though, the rest is really off on a tangent. I think I have been away from school for way too long. I need to win the lottery, or rob a bank, and get my ass back in a classroom. At this point, that is the only way I will do it, because, since I have been paying my son's tuition, there is nothing left over for mine. So indulge me and either quit reading now, or accept the fact that my sex blog post has turned into a really bad, school paper. But this is the route that my thoughts took me. You know that you can't get a direct, non-stop flight anywhere anymore. Think of this as your lay-over in Chicago (and know that you might be snowed in).
I doubt that many of you are familiar with Urie Bronfenbrenner's model of child development and human ecology. Forgive me as I digress, but this is how I have visualized this in my mind.
He sees each individual as a series of ever widening, concentric circles. In the center is the individual's biological nature, our DNA, genetics, our race, our nationality, and so on. The next circle is our immediate environment, our immediate family, our home, possessions, friends, peers. Surrounding that is our social and economic context, school, work, community, economic circumstance. The outer circle is the cultural context, including cultural and societal influences. These spheres of influence interact from both directions, all of the circles influencing the individual and the individual influencing the surrounding spheres. Bronfenbrenner later renamed the circles with the terms: microsystem, mesosystem, exosystem and macrosystem, as he expanded his theory to human ecology, including adults as well as children.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Now, let me just take a minute here to say, I think He knows me better than anyone. I am not really a jewelry and perfume kind of girl. Not that those things aren't great, I would have been grateful for that too, but those aren't the things that blow my skirt up (so to speak). I am a bibliophile. I LOVE books. I especially love books about words, language, grammar, punctuation, and writing. One of my all time favorites is Eats, Shoots and Leaves by Lynne Truss. I just have a thing for language and the written word. So, as I unwrapped the gift (I know, it isn't Christmas yet), I was absolutely thrilled to find The New Well-Tempered Sentence and The Deluxe Transitive Vampire. For me, books are every bit as personal as lingerie would be.
It may sound strange, but this is the most perfect and the most romantic gift I have ever received. It shows me how well He knows me and it reflects the thought He put into it. See how easy I am to please? Just know me well enough to chose the perfect gift. I am assuming that He knew it was the perfect gift, but no matter really. Even if He wasn't sure, it is perfect and He bought it. I have to say that He is the most thoughtful man I have ever known. I am still smiling.
Though, the best gift will be when He is here next week (barring any work, home or meteorological disasters).
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
At one time, I was hopeful about what might be. He seemed familiar, comfortable. I mistakenly confused comfort with familiarity. Things were familiar because they mimicked a destructive relationship I had been in. He saw me for someone he could shape me into, he did not accept me for who I was. I mistook demands and control for dominance. He claimed he admired my strength, yet he was resentful when my strength opposed him. His messages now, range from sad, to angry, to hopeful. The past year has been hard and difficult for him, I wish I could be a friend to him, but I can't. He does not want my friendship, he wants more. I am sad, because I see how he has isolated himself from people who could be supportive, including me. Everything must be on his own terms, so my silence remains as my thoughts go out to him.
The whole thing has made me see how self-destructive we can be. We try and control things rather than accept things. We hold onto the familiar, even when it keeps us from growing. We listen to words, even when actions contradict them. Life is hard, change is even harder. We want others to change, so we can stay the same. It is easy to miss the nuances of relationship. The familiar seems comfortable, when it is actually stagnating. Trust cannot be given until it is earned. Love and caring stem from acceptance, growth can't occur until we accept what is.
I am grateful for J. He has helped me learn these truths. He accepted me for who I was, even as He embraced and encouraged my growth. He has always been worthy of my trust and He has helped me trust myself again. I am safe with Him, on a level that I have not experienced before. He is the only person that I have ever been able to fully reveal myself to, without fear of judgement or retribution. He has enabled my submission, by teaching me what dominance is.
Monday, December 22, 2008
As if my own desires and proclivities don't provide me with enough masturbatory fodder, He has been kind enough to send me the written details of what He has planned. It is a message that I have reread numerous times this past week. His writing and descriptions put my own words to shame, He has as much mastery over the written word, as He does over me. Each time I have read His complete and descriptive account, I have felt the heat and the wetness, oozing from my cunt and soaking my panties. This last time, I realized I was trembling as I slid my hand down my pants to my very hard and sensitive clit.
The bottom line (no pun intended) is that I need Him to hurt me. I need Him to spank me and whip me, ignoring my pleas and sobs. I want to be pushed over the edge, to where I have completely lost control and totally surrendered to Him. I will admit that the prospect scares me (just a little), but I also do not fear the end result. I lust for His extreme, excessive, and uncompromising domination and use of me.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
I have been wanting and asking for intensity, severity and pain. I want my limits pushed, my submission tested. I need to be consumed and overwhelmed by Him. I have no doubt that He will happily and eagerly fulfill my desires. I am awaiting it with breathless anticipation and a bit of anxiety. I am not afraid, I have no fear with Him. I am safe with Him, my trust is complete, as is my submission to Him. Only with Him, can I let myself go and give into my desires. He accepts me, both as an individual and as His possession. I am hopeful that I will begin the New Year, surrendered, marked and owned by Him.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
The distance does serve to make me more appreciative of our time together. My desire for Him never wanes and is often quite controlling in itself. When we were talking the other day, I mentioned my desires. I told Him how much I yearned to serve Him, I referred to the things that I would like to do to Him and for Him. He asked me to tell Him, to describe it, and then He told me...You do know that my cock is in my hand now, don't you? That comment did it for me, it immediately turned me on, even more than I already was. An incredible yearning and desire for His cock washed over me. I wanted to see Him masturbate, I wanted to wrap my hand around His cock. I love how it feels, I love seeing it, I love the heat and the firmness of His erection in my hand.
I love any and all interaction I get with His cock. I love the feeling of it pressed against me, through His pants, when we embrace. I love feeling it under me as I lay over His lap for a spanking. I love unzipping His pants to see it spring free, right before I grasp it with my hand. I love kneeling before Him to slide my mouth down the length of His shaft. I love feeling it thrusting into my mouth, slamming into the back of my throat, making me gag. I love feeling it slip into my wet slit. smooth and hard and teasing, making me push against it, thrust towards it, needing to be filled with it.
I am enthralled by it, obsessed by it. I fantasize about it. I fantasize about slipping into a dark alley, so I can kneel and take it in my mouth right then. I fantasize about following Him into a public bathroom, or a stairwell, only to be pushed against the wall and feel it sliding into me. I fantasize about straddling Him on a park bench, in a forgotten corner of a park. I may be submissive, but I am not a patient girl. I do not want to wait for His cock, especially when I have not seen Him for awhile. I want His cock right then! I know He gets amused when I beg Him, down on my knees, please don't make me wait, I need to suck your cock right now. We have shared many late night dinners, because my hunger for His cock was greater than my hunger for any food.
This time apart, this last period of waiting, has whittled away at my patience even more. My desire for service to Him, combined with my desire for Him, has me needing His cock more than ever. My cunt aches for it, my hand is empty without it, my mouth salivates for it. I am in heat, again.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
~Service submissive vs. Housekeeper. What’s the difference between drudgery and service? What makes your service different than what you can pay for?
We are not 24/7, so this does not really pertain to us, though I do like to offer Him service (both sexual and otherwise) when we are together. I will answer this from that perspective. The service that I offer Him (and would love to offer Him) comes from my love for Him and my desire to please Him, not out of duty or obligation.
I do know that in a 24/7 relationship, service can possibly become wearing or mundane. I think that the answer would still be the same, the key would be my attitude. Especially understanding, as I do, how stressful and busy His life can be, I feel it would be even more important to provide Him with a refuge from His demands. To make sure that my submission and service were not another demand, but were available for His comfort and a respite from the stresses He faces on a daily basis. When it comes to domestic service, I like to challenge myself to pay attention to details that I know will be pleasing to the other person. Including everything from meal preparation to having their clothes pressed a certain way or even how the bed is made. Keeping the other person's preferences in mind while completing those tasks.
~How do you view ‘fear’?
This has changed for me over my lifetime. There was a time in my life when I feared actual physical harm. I once feared not being there for my children when they needed me. The boys are adults now, and though they still might need me at times, they can take care of themselves.
J has helped me overcome much of my fear. Though, there are still times I may feel it, due to remembering bad situations, I know that I am now safe and cared for. I may worry, at times, about people I care for, that is different from fear. I do have a fear of heights and a fear of needles, but I do not let them become irrational, I can control those fears.
~What is the one thing you never thought you would do, and how did you feel when you accomplished it? Was it something you did for yourself, or for someone else?
I am not sure of my answer to this. Perhaps it is being able to heal from and overcome the abuse of my past. For that matter, I never envisioned myself in a loving relationship again. I had been very careful to keep people at arm's length and to keep my feelings to myself. When I met J, things were very different. He was very different from other men I had known. He seemed to know me so well, I just knew that I could trust Him. I still never planned on loving Him, but I couldn't help it.
I don't know if I view this as an accomplishment or just healing. I have been surprised by the progression of things and very happy. I do honestly feel that I was fated to be in this relationship with J. I am very content with things. I don't know that I did this for anyone. I feel it was more something J did for me, encouraging me to be open and allowing me to trust again. Being the man that He is, He made things safe for me again.
Friday, December 5, 2008
In my past relationships, I always held tightly onto control. Not the control of the relationships, but the control of myself. Thinking about releasing that control, left me with the fear of spinning out of control. That of course is the difference. I am not, now, out of control, I am in His control. I am still safe, I feel very secure and I am quite comfortable being in His control. In fact, anymore, I live for that control. I am not talking about slavery or micro-management, I know that both of those things can define a dynamic, just not ours. My entire being responds to Him, regardless if I am reading His words, hearing His voice or He is here in person. I love the feeling of His control over me. I love being immersed in His power, I love letting go to Him.
His control is a force which envelops me. A suggestion or directive elicits an immediate physical response from my body. Even when He is not here, I can feel His presence, His hands on me. I am mentally bound by Him and to Him. I am His possession, that is my choice. Yet it is beyond a simple act of choosing, it is a compulsion. That component, my surrender to Him, is a part of me, it is ingrained in me. It has been easy to slip into this role and it is impossible to just relinquish it. I need Him, I do not want to take the control back, nor could I ever give it to someone else. I belong to Him and even if He should ever walk away, I would still belong to Him.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
Today I was reading David's blog and he referred to the Way Back Machine. I was very intrigued and felt a flicker of hope. I entered in my old URL and a message came up saying that no pages were found. However, I clicked on another link that said to search for pages and some of that former blog came up. I was only able to retrieve five of my posts, but even being able to see those pages of my original blog was a joy. I have cut and pasted those posts onto my resurrected Growth and Decline. You can read them there. Looking over them again, I can see how much I have grown and changed in the past year. I also revisited accounts of some of my earlier times with J, those posts evoked some wonderful memories. It makes me love Him and desire Him that much more. It also serves to anticipate all that we have yet to explore with each other.