Wednesday, August 19, 2009

A letter to J

It seems the more we are together, the more I desire you. There was a time when your visits would sate me for a time, decrease my need for awhile. That is no longer true, even though I have just been with you I ache to give myself to you again. I regularly contemplate our journey, my evolution. I remember when I first wrote you a list of my limits and boundaries, stating the things that were off the table, things that held no desire for me (some of which were unthinkable). You accepted my list, you told me you were fine with it. You also told me that you anticipated that a time would come when I would ask you for some of those things on the list. You have since taken me past many of those boundaries, others have been discussed and contemplated. You were right, I have asked you for those things, I have asked you to lead me deeper into this. I have asked you to take me to the edge. Those once hard limits have become fluid and flexible. I desire that surrender, that deep submission that comes from exploring that edge.

Many of those original limits were due to my past. Things that were done to me, not of a consensual nature, but in a cruel and fearful way. What began with my difficulty to even recount and discuss those things, has ended with my desire to revisit and redefine those things. You have redefined me. My surrender to you has allowed me to take back the power that was stolen from me. I have come to see that it was not the acts which haunted me, it was the nature in which they were done. You have given me the security to reclaim my ability to choose and consent. I have been able to consent and explore those things with you. By facing those things again, I have broken the bonds of my violator, I have removed his power over me. I have discovered the joy of a power exchange, the more power and control I yield to you, the stronger and more empowered I become.

I have come to crave that exploration of the edge with you. I love yielding that power to you, feeling myself held completely in your control. It's as if you swallow me up, you overwhelm me. The farther down this road you lead me, that farther I want to travel with you. I know I belong to you, that is a statement of fact that is constantly reiterated between us. What I need is physically have your ownership imposed upon me. I want to be marked by you. I want to wear the temporary marks of your belt, the flogger, and the cane. I also want the permanent mark of being pierced and wearing your ring. I think constantly of these marks. I think of the raised red welts of the cane marks on my ass. I think of you administering them and of you running your fingers over them afterwards. I think of you marking me as your property and then claiming me by taking me for your pleasure. Taking me in any manner and in any hole that pleases you. I think of those times when your use pushes me deep inside of myself. When I feel very small and consumed by you. When I feel owned and safe and I know that is where I belong.

My submission to you is a drug that I have become addicted to. The more I experience it, the more I crave it. It consumes my thoughts, it dictates my actions, it holds me captive. I hunger for your dominance and your control. I thirst for your cum. I ache for your marks on my skin. Nothing else can sate me, placate me or pleasure me. I am bound to you by my own needs and desires.

your pet

Saturday, August 15, 2009


J's visit was wonderful, just as they always are. He so perfectly compliments me, meets my needs, and dominates me all at the same time. It feels as if He always knows what I am thinking and needing, I think He can read my mind. One of the surprising things to me, regarding our two year journey, is the subtle change in my submission. I am still His, I still submit (to the best of my ability), I still feel surrendered to Him. I also have developed an interest and a need in service to Him. Not just sexual service, but domestic service. When I first began to explore submission (before I met J, when I was just reading and researching), I encountered the topic of domestic service and service submissives. I will admit, I didn't get it. It seemed that it was nothing more than being a maid or a glorified housekeeper. While that is still not a primary focus or purpose for me, I do understand it now. It is about pleasing Him, about being His. I want to please Him, serve Him and care for Him in every way possible. I want to make His life easier and more pleasant. I want to ease His workload and lighten His responsibilities. That is not really possible, especially given the fact that we are long distance. But if I can alleviate extra work, if I can perform little tasks so He does not have to, if I can make Him feel welcome and at home while He is here, I will do what I can to ensure that. It is a delight for me to prepare a meal for Him. Don't get me wrong, I love dining out with Him. I love being with Him in public and assuming different roles, depending on our location and on His wishes and needs. I just love cooking for Him more. It may be related to my love of cooking anyway, it may be because of His appreciation and gratitude. There is nothing like preparing a meal for someone who is extremely appreciative.

I don't really know if this is an aspect of my submission or simply caring for someone I love. I think we often try to compartmentalize the BDSM aspects of our relationships. Separate the kink and the D/s from the rest of the relationship. I think I may do this because going in I thought that was the relationship. I admittedly was looking to satisfy my needs, not necessarily anything more. Looking back, I do not know how I thought I could fully submit to someone I was not fully committed to. By the time J and I met, I already felt bonded to Him. I spent a period of time fighting it. I did not want to fall in love with Him. I thought it might cause Him to push me away or at least gently hold me at arms length. If I had only shared my concerns and my feelings with Him, it would have saved both of us some time and trouble.

It has all worked out for the best. It has been a still is a process. Every relationship is. I now am compelled to share everything with Him, my thoughts, my feelings, all of my daily trivial stuff. All of my missteps have served to bring us closer and make me more surrendered to Him. We love each other deeply, He dominates me superbly, He understands me better than anyone ever has (maybe even me). He probably gets tired of reading and hearing my daily babble, though He tells me He wants to hear it. He explains that it helps Him know me and understand me better, and in turn it helps Him dominate me better. And He does dominate me better, better than I ever thought possible.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

The Bestest Thing

Last week was arduous. There has been a lot going on in my personal life and it has drained me. J has been my saving grace. He cares for me, He centers me, He reminds me to take care of myself. He has never interfered in my daily life or my decisions, yet He listens and understands. He also shares His perceptions with me, perceptions from someone who is not embroiled in the problems. That, combined with the fact He is smart, funny and loving, allows me to remain sane through the struggles of life.

The bestest thing in the whole wide world? He will be here this week. Wednesday is our anniversary of sorts, we met online two years ago. That auspicious beginning seems both a forever ago and only yesterday. Each passing day brings me closer and more bound to Him. In every way, He is my ideal man. Never have I experienced this level of intimacy, love and concern with another person. It is one of the few times in my life that I allowed the Universe to get it right.

Thank you J, for accepting me, loving me and putting up with me for two whole years.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

100 things about me - revisited

This is a self-indulgent post. It assumes that you all want to know more about me (sometimes I like it to be all about me). I originally wrote this on my Growth and Decline blog. That was over a year and a half I thought I would revisit it and update. I actually had forgotten all about this, but J mentioned it, He goes back a looks at it from time to time. So, here it is...everything you wanted to know (and even more).

1. I have brown hair.

2. Sometimes it has been red.

3. If the truth be known, it is probably at least half grey anymore.
My hair color always comes out of a bottle now. I am sure it is mostly grey anymore. I may change shades monthly, though I tend to stay within a certain range. I have been thinking of experimenting a little with it soon, after all it is only hair.

4. I love my dogs, almost as much as my kids.
My dogs are my four legged children and much more appreciative than my actual children. My grandchildren are my loves before my dogs or my kids.

5. I collect Christmas ornaments.
I own (and sometimes put up) 6 full size trees. I have more ornaments than will fit on them. When all trees are put up, that is a tree in every room.

6. I hate feeling like my feet are restrained; I don’t even tuck the sheets in at the foot of the bed.
I still feel this way. J has restrained me at times, I don't have a problem as long as He is in control. I always feel safe with Him.

7. I love to cook.
I love, love, love to cook. I am addicted to food porn online. I try new recipes frequently. I always try to cook for J when I see Him.

8. My favorite smell is campfires.
I still love campfires, but my favorite smell is now J's pipe.

9. I used to show horses.

10. I owned a Quarter Horse named Carlos Bars; I sold him when I got married.

11. I should have kept the horse and passed on the husband.
I know that I am a sum of all of my experiences and relationships. The marriage may have failed, but it contributed to who I am today. I do miss owning a horse.

12. I love wearing skirts, but I usually wear jeans.
Skirts are extremely impractical for me to wear at work. I do wear them for J.

13. I love to write, I wish I were better at it.
Writing is cathartic for me. It helps me grow and process things. I do think my writing has improved, though it is still not at the caliber I would like it to be.

14. Irises are my favorite flowers.

15. I will turn 50 this year, but sometimes I still feel 20.
50 has come and gone, I recently turned 51. I still feel much younger than I am. Maybe, because I am still learning and evolving.

16. I love the theater and the opera.

17. I like to mow grass.

18. My favorite color is red.

19. I wear Chanel #5 perfume and have since I was in high school.

20. I love being spanked and flogged.

21. I want to be caned, but it scares me.
I have been caned, several times. It no longer scares me (at least not most of the time).

22. My college dorm was haunted; Ghost Hunters did a show on it.

23. I do believe in spirits, but I don’t believe in ghosts.

24. I am a Christian, but I incorporate some aspects of Taoism in with it.
I still classify myself as a Christian, but my faith and beliefs are forever evolving. Most Christians would think I was a heretic. Maybe I am more of a Universalist, I find some validity in most religions.

25. Three places I would really love to travel to are: Angkor Wat, Cambodia, Machu Picchu, Peru, and Stonehenge, United Kingdom.
I would still love to go any of these places. However, J has influenced me...I would choose Italy over any of them.

26. I love ruins and historical sites.

27. I also love tourist traps/roadside attractions, Rock City is my favorite one, but I love the Belles of Cypress Gardens and the Mermaids at Weeki Wachi Springs too.

28. I can’t wear watches; they do not keep time on me.

29. I am allergic to jewelry, unless it is nickel-free.

30. I wanted to major in anthropology, but my parents said no.

31. Tent camping is my favorite vacation.
My favorite vacation is being with J...anywhere.

32. I love to sew, especially quilting.

33. My grandmother taught me to sew on a treadle sewing machine.

34. She also taught me to quilt, but gave up trying to teach me to knit and crochet.

35. I still cannot knit or crochet.

36. I love roller coasters, but not ones where you stand up.

37. I am afraid of heights.

38. I love traveling on trains.

39. I love reading quotes and try to incorporate them into what I write.

40. I think Sean Connery is the sexiest man in the world, but only after he was older.
J is the sexiest man in the world...but don't make me choose.

41. I love Monty Python and I know the words to The Lumberjack Song.

42. I get migraines.

43. I have had 5 knee surgeries.

45. My trachea was severed by a piece of glass when I was two.

46. I really am a bit accident prone.

47. I love pomegranates, but I don’t eat the seeds.

48. I have three grandchildren, I love doing things with them.

49. They wear me out.

50. I am wondering if I can think of 50 more semi-interesting things about me.

51. Toffifays are my favorite candy, but they’re hard to find.

52. I smoke, even though I know I should quit.

53. I play with my hair and bite my lip when I am nervous or thinking.

54. I try to buy myself fresh flowers once a week.

55. I love fish and seafood, but I hate oysters.

56. I drove a 1972 Dodge Charger in high school.

57. I love muscle cars and car shows.

58. I like to study philosophy and religions.

59. I love the beach and the mountains.

60. I have never traveled outside North America.
This of course includes the Caribbean and Canada, but I am not very well travelled. Though, I hope to change that over the next 10 years or so.

61. I love crosswords and word puzzles.

62. I have one brother and two sisters.

63. I am the baby of the family.

64. I love to read.

65. Biographies and memoirs are my favorite genre.

66. I was a daddy’s girl; I really miss my father since he died.

67. He and I used to sail and canoe together.

68. Sometimes I still sleep in one of his old shirts.

69. I kept his slide rule.

70. I am determined to get my Master’s Degree.

71. I love school.

72. I collect music boxes; I love to listen to them.

73. I collect iron doorstops.

74. I collect way too much junk.

75. When I was little, I thought Memorial Day parades were held for my birthday.

76. I love watching fireworks.

77. I am a cancer survivor.

78. Death does not scare me.

79. I love flying kites.

80. I have always had few, but close friends.

81. I love thunder storms, the more severe the better.

82. I hate violence, but like watching boxing.

83. I am sapiosexual.

84. I am a bit of a masochist.

85. I am fascinated by fire.

86. I have a very low tolerance for stupid people.

87. The most famous person I've ever met was Margaret Mead.

88. My favorite holiday is Christmas, followed by Halloween.

89. I enjoy going to museums.

90. Working third shift at 7/11 was the worst job I ever had.

91. Working at a stable was the best job I ever had.

92. I am an expert shot with handguns.

93. I have shot a sawed-off shotgun and an AK-47.
What can I say, my ex-husband was a cop. I am not a gun fanatic though and I do tend to lean towards the argument for gun control.

94. Giving birth, twice, was the most amazing experience I ever had.

95. I breastfed both my sons.

96. Only five more to go, and yes I am cheating.

97. I have been married and divorced twice.

98. My second husband abused me.

99. I am good at jigsaw puzzles.
I am actually pretty good at any kind of puzzles, it's just how my mind works.

100. I have nightmares that I am being strangled.
I rarely have these nightmares anymore. J has slain most of my demons. When I am awakened by a bad dream, thoughts of Him calm me and comfort me.

Out of control

I need to be out of control, actually I need to be in complete control, His control. I need to surrender, to relinquish myself to Him. I need to escape, for one hour, one evening, one day. This is a selfish need, this need to be controlled. I need Him to quiet my mind, to chase away the demons, to surround me, to overtake me. I need Him to blot everything out of my mind, but Him. I need to serve Him, I need to be bruised and marked and fucked and made to cum. What a selfish little bitch I am, but I am His selfish little bitch.