Sunday, November 22, 2009

The beginning

It has been over two years since we began this journey. Sometimes I wonder, if I knew what lay ahead for us, if I would have embarked on it at all. Not that I have any regrets, quite the opposite. This journey has been wonderful, I embrace it in every way. Though, I think it would have scared me then, it did scare me then. I was never afraid of J, I was afraid of myself. I was afraid to be open and vulnerable and fully connected. Lately, I have been thinking back to the beginning, this is some of what I recall.

When I opened the door and our eyes met for the first time, I could barely breathe. It was a combination of anticipation, worry that I would not be what He expected, fear of the unknown and overwhelming desire. His eyes pierced me, they looked inside of me, into my soul. They saw my fears and desires. He saw me for who I was, all my dirty little secrets, and He accepted me. It was strange, meeting Him for the first time in person. We had never seen each other, except in pictures, yet there was already a deep bond that had formed. J impressed me from the very first message we exchanged. He is intelligent, funny, honest and well-spoken. He was also very much in control, of Himself and eventually of me. As He kissed me and took my hand, He led me to want to give everything to Him. That desire has never changed.

I have always been a very guarded person. I learned early on, that sharing certain things with people invites ridicule and abuse. There were some things I never told anyone, even people I trusted. J was different, I was compelled to share everything with Him. Some things I told Him, even having convinced myself that He would turn and walk away from me after hearing them. He never did, He never judged, He understood. Some things it seemed if He already knew, or at least suspected. He was my safe harbor, always calm and steady, with Him I was protected. Experiencing Him, and the way that He is, made me think and reflect. I reflected and analyzed how I reacted and interacted and why. I dissected my guilt and my shame, to see if it was warranted. He validated me, He made me acceptable, He restored me. I have never met another man like Him. If I were to construct an exceptional, uncommon human being, I could do no better than J. He is patient and respectful, but He is also strong and firm. He is comfortable with Himself, which makes others comfortable with Him. Out of His strength and confidence, He demonstrates tenderness and compassion. He understands, connects and cares for people. He is not afraid to be genuine or to express a dissenting opinion.

I feel very honored and lucky to know Him and love Him. I feel particularly lucky to have Him love me in return.


Marsha The Roast said...

This is exactly what I am going through right now. Thank you for this post...for me I think the realization that he is not going to leave me no matter what I do or say has been critical. I'm opening up I think for the first time every. Scary!

M:e said...

Beautiful post Alice....and very much captures what's in my own heart. I may well just send him this posting with a covering 'what she too...very much me too'.

love and hugs xxx

Paul said...

Alice, beautifully put a true and honest tribute, well said.
Love and warm hugs,

Louise said...

What a lovely tribute... you both have been very lucky, and thank you so much for sharing part of the journey. Following your journey has given me more than you probably realise.

much love, Louise

Alice said...

Marsha - Welcome to the blog. I'm glad that my post resonated with you. It is scary. Sometimes, it is still a little scary. Yet, He constantly reassures me and affirms me. My best to you on your journey.

M:e - I hope things are going well for you. I know that you have had some bumps in the road. Take care and thank you for your kind words.

Paul - Thank you. I love when you stop by, I always look forward to reading your sweet words.

Louise - I feel very lucky, every time I see Him or talk to Him, I am grateful. I am blessed in many ways and I am happy to share it here.