I have been quiet here for a long time. I am okay, but have been feeling different. Last year, especially the end, was hard in some ways. Though I had every intention of writing, it just did not come for me. Some days I felt like I lost my mind and other days just my muse.
I am okay, there has been no crisis, just life. J has been my saving grace. He, as always, has been loving, patient and understanding. He always seems to know when to push me and when to just hold me.
I have for a long time been a private person (I know that is a strange admission for a sex blogger). I tend to hold things in, work through things on my own and God forbid I should cry in front of anyone (except for J). So, several times I have begun to write, trying to either explain or ignore what I have been feeling, but I have not been able to do it. My mind has also betrayed me at times, my concentration has been poor, a result of some crazy hormones and stress. There are days I feel like the girl in the picture, other days I wish I were her. Alone, far away, solitary. I have alternately cursed and craved the solitude. I suppose that is misleading, I don't necessarily want solitude, I want to escape, with J, and go far away.
I know you cannot run away from life, so I trudge along and make the best of it. My life is not bad, but I am beginning to bow under the weight of others' responsibilities. I am an enabler, or at least a solver, and as of this moment, I am tired of raising other people's children, solving their problems and paying their bills. I know the easy answer is to just say no. I am getting better at that, but it isn't always easy. I guess the bottom line is I am tired.
My intention for this post is not to whine and moan, but to offer an explanation for my absence. However, I am back. I am going to do my best to post here regularly. I owe it to myself and I owe it to J.
Image found on Deviantart.net
Silence by Donjuki