Saturday, January 16, 2010

Breaking the Silence

I have been quiet here for a long time. I am okay, but have been feeling different. Last year, especially the end, was hard in some ways. Though I had every intention of writing, it just did not come for me. Some days I felt like I lost my mind and other days just my muse.

I am okay, there has been no crisis, just life. J has been my saving grace. He, as always, has been loving, patient and understanding. He always seems to know when to push me and when to just hold me.

I have for a long time been a private person (I know that is a strange admission for a sex blogger). I tend to hold things in, work through things on my own and God forbid I should cry in front of anyone (except for J). So, several times I have begun to write, trying to either explain or ignore what I have been feeling, but I have not been able to do it. My mind has also betrayed me at times, my concentration has been poor, a result of some crazy hormones and stress. There are days I feel like the girl in the picture, other days I wish I were her. Alone, far away, solitary. I have alternately cursed and craved the solitude. I suppose that is misleading, I don't necessarily want solitude, I want to escape, with J, and go far away.

I know you cannot run away from life, so I trudge along and make the best of it. My life is not bad, but I am beginning to bow under the weight of others' responsibilities. I am an enabler, or at least a solver, and as of this moment, I am tired of raising other people's children, solving their problems and paying their bills. I know the easy answer is to just say no. I am getting better at that, but it isn't always easy. I guess the bottom line is I am tired.

My intention for this post is not to whine and moan, but to offer an explanation for my absence. However, I am back. I am going to do my best to post here regularly. I owe it to myself and I owe it to J.

Image found on
Silence by Donjuki


M:e said...

So very good to see you back sweety...I've been thinking of you a lot recently. This post touches me fact it brought tears to my eyes. I know, in part, that's because I could have written it myself....that once again you've been a mirror for some of my own feelings. Bless you, as always, for sharing with us.

love and hugs xxx

Paul said...

Alice, it's good that you are back.
Life can be difficult at times, I've been thinking about you also.
Love and warm hugs,

Louise said...

So glad to see you posting again! I've missed you.

Love, Louise