I have not been writing, life has been a whirlwind and I have been feeling as if I am in a race most of the time. My work has not only been extraordinarily busy, but down right dangerous some days. My home life has been wrought with things demanding my time and attention. Through it all, I have been peaceful and thankful, save a few 'woe is me' moments that usually stem from exhaustion and hormonal flux. I have noticed that I have been cocooning. Not withdrawing from people (I have a wonderful support system right now), but wrapping myself up and embracing the solitude when I can. I have needed to do that to keep my head in the right place, otherwise it is just too easy to let the negativity creep in. I think that is why I have not been writing, when I have a moment, I just want to go deep inside myself, rather than write on the blog and put myself out there even more. Writing has always been my way of reflecting and working through things though, so I need to find a balance.
J recognizes the therapeutic value of my writing too, He has been gently reminding me and encouraging me to get back to it. He has been an incredible source of strength and comfort to me. He helps me find a balance in my life that I am sure would be lost without Him. I am aware of how precarious that balancing act is and I credit Him with the ease that I have maintained it. Previously in my life I have struggled with that.
I feel I have so many different roles in my life right now. Some roles that I thought were finished. My oldest son and his wife have been struggling mightily with many things in their lives and parenting has been one of those things. I have had to step in and take more responsibility for my grandchildren, I am aware that I may have to assume temporary custody of them for awhile, though I am hoping to not have to take that step. Since my own boys are grown, my role as a mother had changed significantly, now it is changing again. My parenting has ramped up for my oldest again, except he is an adult, so I have put in place things that must occur for the sake of my grandchildren, but left the responsibility for implementing them up to him. I am hoping things improve for them. I love my grandchildren, but being a 24/7 grandma is not what I envision for this stage of my life.
I also fear that my submission to J might suffer. I am very devoted to Him. I am secure in my role to Him, it fulfills me and meets my needs, as much as it does His. Things have stalled in some ways though, we are not moving backwards, but the forward journey we were on has slowed. I know He desires to take me farther, I desire that too, it is just difficult at the moment. I need to adjust my schedule and find the time to work on the things He has requested of me. Ultimately, I know it will benefit me. But again, I find myself drawing into a cocoon instead of putting myself out there more. I am already feeling very vulnerable, and while my vulnerability to J is a relief to me, being vulnerable to others is very hard. I crave my surrender to J, it allows me to let go of everything else and be free for the duration. It gives me a much needed break from the rest. It also fulfills a very real need in me, it lets me explore a facet of my personality that I otherwise suppress. He will be here soon and I am very glad for that. Although it hasn't been a very long time, it feels like the last time we were together was forever ago. I am hungry for Him, to taste Him, to serve Him, to surrender to Him. I am safe in His hands, I am strengthened by His presence, I am fortified by His love and caring. I am strengthened and calmed by my submission to Him.
Considering all that is on my plate, I am amazingly good. I am blessed and I am grateful and I love this thing that we do, because J does it so well.