Sunday, September 18, 2011

Yahrtzeit


Psalm 91

 1He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
 2I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.
 3Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.
 4He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.
 5Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;
 6Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.
 7A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.
 8Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.
 9Because thou hast made the LORD, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation;
 10There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.
 11For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.
 12They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.
 13Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.
 14Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.
 15He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.
 16With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.

What a tumultuous year this has been. I have not mentioned it previously, but a year ago today, J's brother died, suddenly and unexpectedly. There is much I could say about that event and the effects of it, but I am only going to write about my personal perspective on it. I would never want to infringe on J's grief and privacy by expounding upon other details here.

My relationship with J is like nothing I have experienced before. It transcends the sexual, emotional and physical. It is spiritual for me. I struggle with this classification at times, a classification by my own defining. Though I deeply feel the spiritual connection between us, it seems a bit blasphemous to call it that. At least in terms of what I mean by it. J's significance to me, and his influence on me, is a personification of my Supreme Being. It is not that I think he is perfect, though he is perfect for me. I think I have a realistic view of him, I am aware of his flaws and his frustrations. I also can honestly say that he offers me safety, security, acceptance and the most perfect love that a human being can offer.

I offer the Psalm above, as a prayer for J and his brother. Yet, when I read the words, they remind me of J. He is a refuge for me. He has delivered me from the bondage of my past. He comforts me in many ways. I feel him in me and all around me, even when we are apart. Serving him and pleasing him delights me and fulfills me. He has taught me so much about myself and the world around me. He inspires me to be a better person and to improve myself for service to him. This comparison, between J and G_d. is one I have struggled with in the past, but one I have found comfort in. It isn't a confusion on my part or a way of deifying J. It helps me to honor him and to humble myself in service to him. It defines my love and respect for him. He will always be a part of me, we are connected on a higher plane than space and time. He has, somehow, always been a part of me and we were destined to share what we do. I am grateful for that, it is a comfort to me. I am honored to have this amazing man in my life. I am blessed to experience the depths of awareness that he gives to me. I acknowledge the rarity of a love like ours.

3 comments:

swan said...

A year has passed, and it may seem to be very late, but please accept my condolences on the loss you have endured -- and do, please, offer that sympathy to J. Grieving knows nothing of the calendar. I hope there is the beginning of comfort in memory for you all.

s.

Alice said...

Thank you Swan. It has been difficult for him, J is the oldest and B was the youngest, which made it seem even more unfair and wrong. In many ways, I think that dealing with this tragedy has brought us closer. It has certainly increased my love and respect for J, seeing how thoughtful and supportive he has been for B's family.

I know your family has endured more than their share of grief these past few years, I hope for good things for all of you from here on out.

Louise said...

I do remember last year, and it does seem such a long time... As I said before, your love shines through everything you write, and that is most wonderful.

Wishing you both love and peace,
louise