I do not write here much anymore. I'm not sure why, but I am sure there are several reasons. One of them is I began to feel I kept writing the some thing, over and over. I don't know why that mattered to me. Maybe I began writing for an audience other than J.Perhaps I worried that J would begin to doubt my sincerity after posting a similar theme, over and over.
Before I was in a relationship (and for some time after we met), I would search and read other blogs. Trying to determine what I wanted and how to be in a D/s relationship. I did learn things, both things I wanted and things I did not. I was trying to find myself. Now, I find myself in my own archives. I find myself in his control. I find myself in my needs and desires. For a long time, I thought it was wrong to need someone, to rely on them. I don't know if it is wrong or not, but I need J. I need him every minute of every day. He dwells in my mind and I interact with him constantly. I think of him and I hear his voice. I recall him and feel his touch and his taste. I converse with him, I laugh with him, I complain to him. I do all these things on a personal level too, but I do them in my mind when he is not with me. When life is rough and cold and tiring, I cocoon myself in him. I crawl inside of him in my mind and I lock the rest of the world out.
That is what his control is to me. My cocoon. Whether he controls me with his words or pleasure or pain, it allows me to shut out the rest of the world. I am in paradise when my whole world consists of him. When I am wrapped tightly inside of him, I am safe and sensual and content. It is where I need to be. It is everything I desire. It is heaven.
Sometimes, I get caught up in the rest of the world and I am lost. But then he touches me, with a note or a call or a touch, and I am rescued, once again. It makes me want to give him more and more, because the more I surrender, the safer I am in my cocoon.