This has been a hard week. Last Saturday night, my son wrecked a motorcycle. By all accounts, he really should be dead. He was on the expressway, going 60 mph, and the back wheel of the bike caught some gravel and he crashed into a concrete wall. He was not wearing a helmet. He did break his foot and he has cuts and abrasions all over his body, but other than that he is fine. He does not feel fine, he is in pain, a lot of it. But there is not a scratch or bruise on his head and everything else will heal, so he is fine. The hardness of my week was tempered by the thankfulness of him being alive. I feel as if I faced the difficult truth that life is fragile and temporary and I walked away unscathed by that truth. Maybe not really unscathed, I have shed a lot of tears over what might have been. But they have been tears of gratitude and recognition of blessings.
I call myself a Christian, but I play loose with that term. I embrace beliefs from many religions, I am not sure I believe in heaven and hell (at least not the way most people do). I do not attend a church. I am very liberal in my views. I don't think there is an absolute truth. While I think the Bible is inspiring, and is inspired, I do not think it is the be all end all. Yet, I know that there is some force, some energy, be it God or the Universe or the tao or our own inner energy and strength, that helps us, protects us and forms us. I cling to the mantra that everything will work out and be okay. I always know that somehow, we will get through it (whatever "it" is).
I find strength and hope and faith in many things. J is certainly one source (a big source) for me. I do not exalt him to god status, but in times of worry and uncertainty, he is a rock I can cling to. I know that he loves me. I know that he will never intentionally harm me. I know that he cares about all that happens to me. We may not always be physically together, but he is always with me in some way. He tells me he admires my strength. He tells me that I am a good person. I believe him, but sometimes I feel like a fraud. I don't always feel strong or good. I see people all around, who just want to be loved. They want to see proof of that love. I cannot be all things to all people. Some people I just flat out do not like. I do not always treat everyone fairly. I am not always honest or honorable. I berate myself over those things. I am capable of being better, but I don't do it. What makes us good, or bad, or annoying? Why do horrible things happen to wonderful people and wonderful things happen to people who do not deserve it? Thise are age old questions, ones that I will never know the answers to. Yet, I know that many people live in their own hell, even if they don't show it on the outside.
We are fragile beings, both physically and emotionally. No matter how strong or blessed that you are, things can change in a blink of an eye. I am very thankful that my world did not change, as I blinked this last Saturday. My children are the best things I have done, I am thankful for them.