I will try and reboot this blog. Life is so busy anymore, it is hard to write. I suppose priorities need to be rebooted too.
I still belong to J, though our time together has dwindled. It is lovely when we are together and I long for him when we are not. Due to our loss of time together, it seems to have weakened our dynamic. I am probably not as submissive and I might offer a bit more push back when asked for something. I miss a stronger D/s component, even though it is much my fault it has weakened.
The other night, we were talking on the phone and J requested I masturbate for him. He directed me and I came for him. It was wonderful and it made me crave his domination even more. I miss his control. I miss his direction. My head is not in the game anymore, at least not so much. I need to make that a priority and direct my thoughts toward submission once again.
J is everything that I want and he is what I want and hunger for. My head, heart and cunt all ache for him, when we are apart. I did not realize how much I needed his control, until he asserted it the other night. I do need that, I need to submit. It is still a component of my personality. It is still a component of our relationship.
Things are different now. My son and his family have moved in with me. There are now seven people living in my house and three of them are my grandchildren. My grandchildren have been through a lot in their short lives and I definitely need to be a stable and constant source of strength and consistency for them. I need to respectfully shield them from the sexual part of my relationship with J. The older two probably know or will figure out we are having sex, but I do not want to be in their face about it or reveal the kink part of it. That may be easier said than done, though it will only be a problem during J's visits, which are only monthly or bi-monthly. That certainly effects my mindset as well. I find it harder to let myself go and give in to my submission.
Life and juggling my roles in life is sometimes more difficult than other times.