Unexpected

I have been back from vacation for a bit. My life has been the typical back from vacation and trying to catch up song and dance the past week or two. Last week though, my son's mother-in-law died, suddenly and unexpectedly. So I have been trying to help them as much as I can.

It has emphasized to me how fragile and valuable our time and relationships are. Also how trivial our worries can be. How often we neglect our relationships and concentrate our efforts on resolving the trivial irritations and demands. When it is all said and done, who will care how clean our house was, or how many possessions we accumulated, or how far we climbed the ladder of success? What will be remembered is the kindness that we showed, the friendships that we nurtured, the lives that we touched.

For many years, I isolated myself. I was reserved and stand-offish in relationships. It was a form of protection, of self-preservation. I tried to help people, but I brushed off attempts to return the favor. I listened to people, but I did not share. Many things have occurred to change the way I relate to people, but the biggest changes have come from my relationship with J. He has taught me many things, but the greatest lesson has been how to trust again. I trust Him completely, I have from the beginning. We connected and I had no doubts, I knew I was safe with Him. I also realized that He was someone special, someone worth taking a risk for. I know He would never hurt me intentionally. I cannot imagine that He would ever hurt me unintentionally; I also know that what I have gained from our relationship is worth more than any hurt I could experience. He has changed me, transformed me, I am a better person because of Him. He possesses me, He also cherishes me. I have never felt so cared for, appreciated and safe. It makes me strive to give Him more, to serve Him better, to please Him in every way I can.

I have never been so open, honest and vulnerable with anyone else. I am compelled to share everything with Him. It is easy to do, because I already feel He knows everything about me. It is what He does with that knowledge that amazes me. He is totally accepting of all that I tell Him. He does not judge me or chastise me, He does guide me and shape my thoughts and desires. He also clarifies things for me, helps me define things for myself. Our brand of D/s is not overbearing, micro-managed or punishment based. It is perhaps a bit paternal. We do not engage in Daddy-little girl play, but he mentors my submission and encourages my surrender to Him. My goal is to please Him, my reward is in being able to do that. The results have been highly unexpected by me. I tend to over-think things, keep my feelings to myself, hold tightly to my views and beliefs, but with Him I am open, pliable, flexible in my thoughts. My limits are constantly shifting, stretching and disappearing as He leads me and pushes me. He teaches me and forms me into a better submissive. As I have become more pleasing to Him, I am more pleasing to myself. I am the same person I was, only more so, only better. He has enabled me to rediscover myself. He has reclaimed and strengthened the woman I was before I was tossed about, battered and eroded by the storms of life. His strength and His support have given me a secure and firm foundation to stand upon. Though, my favorite place is at His feet.

Vacation

Tomorrow I leave on vacation. I am going to visit my sister and mother. I am excited about going, but not like I should be. The trip means I will be farther from J. I would not see Him this next week anyway, but I also will not be able to talk with Him as much.

I know that distance is relative. When we are already apart, does it matter whether that distance is 100 miles or 1000 miles? To me it does. What matters is availability. I try to be available to Him all of the time. I am available to Him everyday, whether by phone or online. I am also available should He decide to come visit. This next week, I will not be as available. That bothers me (not enough to stay home, but He would not want that anyway).

The last time I made this trip was almost two years ago. J and I had not yet met in person, though we were talking quite a bit. I cannot believe the progression of our relationship over the past two years. I originally thought it would be a casual, play only, probably short term D/s relationship. It is now anything but casual, wholly committed, all encompassing, long term (for as long as He wants me) relationship. We do have a D/s relationship, but we have more than that. It seems that each day our feelings and commitment deepen. I love Him, I am devoted to Him, I belong to Him. He has dominated me, healed me, loved me and accepted me. He honors me. Thank you J for everything you have given to me.

Oh, BTW...this also means I will not be posting over the next week or so. Think of me, as I will be wet, tan and warm (not THAT kind of wet, you all have dirty minds!).