I Like the Way You Move - Body Rockers

I know I just posted, I guess I am making up for lost time. Just wanted to say that more is coming (pun intended) on J's last visit here. In the meantime, enjoy the music. This song makes me want to fuck.

Abiding

Despite the uncertainties I have been dealing with in my life, J has been my constant. He is my anchor and my rock. With him I am safe, with him I am at peace. When I am with him, I feel immersed in his being. He knows me, in every sense of the word. He touches my soul.

I am safe within his grasp. He is skillful in his manipulation of me, not in a harmful manner, but he knows where, when and how to touch me...both my body and my mind. He is gentle with me, even as he hurts me or uses me. I am his, and in that belonging, I am cherished and valued. Never before have I given myself so wholly to another person, and never before have I been so certain.

I love to serve him and please him, and he loves to be served. Sometimes though, he makes it all about me. He sets out to see how far he can take me, how far he can push me, how completely he can control me. I am not talking about control such as, "kneel down and lick my boots, bitch." I am talking about controlling my body, freeing my mind, surpassing my limits. I suppose that those times it is all about me, it is really all about him. It becomes a wonderful synergy between us. It defines our dynamic, the energy and the exchange that occurs eclipses everything else in the universe. It is beyond anything I ever imagined. He is not my master, but he masters me. I am not his slave, but I am wholly and completely his. Nothing we share is one-sided, it is completely symbiotic.

Last week, when he was here, was one of those times. We cooked together, we dined together, we conversed, we reveled in each others' presence. For me, time with J is magical and defining. It isn't mythical, we share our stresses, our worries, our trials, but it is strengthening and revitalizing. I crave him, I crave my surrender to him, I crave that symbiosis. When we are together, that craving is fulfilled. There are so many aspects of our relationship, I cannot list them all. It is playful, loving, gentle, challenging, exciting. It both soothes me and stimulates me. The way he looks at me stirs something deep inside of me, something I have never felt before. I can't even relate to you all the events of our time together, time seizes to exist and in that moment, I am in an alternate reality. We had talked about many things, many kinds of play. All of my desires were crammed in that window of sharing, but my greatest desire was simply him.

My recollection is foggy, I had enough wine to feel it, but I was not drunk. Perhaps I was drunk on him. I don't really remember finishing dinner, or retiring to the bedroom, or all the events that led up to it. That it being him making me climax for what seemed to be hours. Maybe it was hours, I don't know. Part of me was deep within myself and the other part was soaring far outside of myself. All of me was surrounded by him, his presence, his control, his care. He controlled, manipulated and played with my body, not with toys or electronics, but with his knowledge of me, his touch, his voice. He has pushed me before, to cum harder or longer, but never like this. I had no control over my body, I came when I thought it was impossible to come any more. I wanted to stop and I wanted to keep going. I couldn't speak, I could only react. By the end, even the air on my skin was enough to make me cum more. As I curled into a ball to escape his touches, I hunched on his hand and leg to get more. My mind was a prism that shattered into a million pieces. Nothing existed for me except J. I felt his being draped over me like a blanket, I was wrapped up inside of him. I have never felt so surrendered, so cared for, so loved and so owned.

Breaking the Silence

I have been quiet here for a long time. I am okay, but have been feeling different. Last year, especially the end, was hard in some ways. Though I had every intention of writing, it just did not come for me. Some days I felt like I lost my mind and other days just my muse.

I am okay, there has been no crisis, just life. J has been my saving grace. He, as always, has been loving, patient and understanding. He always seems to know when to push me and when to just hold me.

I have for a long time been a private person (I know that is a strange admission for a sex blogger). I tend to hold things in, work through things on my own and God forbid I should cry in front of anyone (except for J). So, several times I have begun to write, trying to either explain or ignore what I have been feeling, but I have not been able to do it. My mind has also betrayed me at times, my concentration has been poor, a result of some crazy hormones and stress. There are days I feel like the girl in the picture, other days I wish I were her. Alone, far away, solitary. I have alternately cursed and craved the solitude. I suppose that is misleading, I don't necessarily want solitude, I want to escape, with J, and go far away.

I know you cannot run away from life, so I trudge along and make the best of it. My life is not bad, but I am beginning to bow under the weight of others' responsibilities. I am an enabler, or at least a solver, and as of this moment, I am tired of raising other people's children, solving their problems and paying their bills. I know the easy answer is to just say no. I am getting better at that, but it isn't always easy. I guess the bottom line is I am tired.

My intention for this post is not to whine and moan, but to offer an explanation for my absence. However, I am back. I am going to do my best to post here regularly. I owe it to myself and I owe it to J.


Image found on Deviantart.net
Silence by Donjuki