Sunday, April 25, 2010


J has been here more often lately. Tomorrow He will be here again for two nights. I am lucky to be able to be with Him more. Our relationship is not just D/s, it is more than that. Despite what we share though, I am always submissive to Him. It is always there, just under the surface, even when our dynamic is something different at the moment. I am a greedy slut for J lately. His being here has been such a blessing to me and also a revelation in some ways. My mind teases me with desires and fantasies, both of things I want and crave and things I may not really ever be able to do or enjoy. I love being with Him, being near Him. I have realized that my joy comes from pleasing Him, touching Him. It is extremely fulfilling to me to be able to serve Him. It makes me feel accepted, content and complete. I love knowing that I have pleased Him, whether that stems from preparing a meal for Him, rubbing and massaging Him, sucking His cock, cumming for Him or feeling His marks on me. I have been reflecting a lot on my submission lately. I have been evaluating why I need it and enjoy it so much. I also have been thinking about how to improve my submission. Improving it and deepening it makes me happy and content. I have not been working hard enough to do that lately, both for myself and for Him. It is a bit of an enigma to me. The mystery of why this is such an innate part of my character.

I have also been thinking about the things that I want and need. I'm sure some people would feel I was topping from the bottom, but ultimately what He grants me is His decision. I ask for things and I tell Him all of my thoughts and desires. He is usually quite accommodating when it comes to giving me what I need. Mostly what I need is to serve Him and please Him, though lately my thoughts have been much more needful of the extreme. I want to be marked, severely. I want to struggle to tolerate His discipline. I want to be spanked and belted and caned. I want my nipples tortured and clamped. I want my cunt to be whipped with His belt. It makes me quite wet and wanton to even think about it. I am feeling quite slutty for Him. It is an odd desire, on one hand I fear the pain and severity of what I wish for. On the other hand, I am obsessed with it. Maybe it is not the severity I fear, but that I will not be able to tolerate it. I have been a bit wimpy of late.

Tonight, when we were chatting, He told me "You will be marked tomorrow." That statement made my cunt drip and clench. There is a point in our play where my mind shuts down and I let myself go. I suppose that some would say this was sub-space. However I cannot always quiet my mind. Sometimes it races and protests and screams at me to get away. Other times, everything meshes and blurs together. The pain and the pleasure become one and I am awash in sensation and surrender. Despite my desires, I am not a masochist. It is the surrender and submission I crave. I crave to be His, completely and fully for whatever He wants or needs. Right now, though, it is my wants and needs I am focused on. Not that He doesn't enjoy spanking me and whipping me, but it is the control we both enjoy. His control over me. I do know one thing though, tomorrow I will be marked. He will give me what I asked for and that knowledge makes me melt. I am a slut for J. I am a greedy and needy slut. I want His cock, His marks, all the attentions He will grant to me. I ache to feel His hands on me. I salivate with the desire to lick and taste everywhere on His body. I don't want to stop until I have been pinched and rubbed and poked and prodded and filled and taken. I want His marks on my ass, His fist in my hair, His cock down my throat and His cum smeared across my face. The phrase, "be careful what you ask for" has crossed my mind, but I am too far gone down this road to exercise caution now. Tomorrow night I anticipate being used and bruised and sated and sleeping in His arms.

1 comment:

Paul said...

Alice, I hope hat you both get what you need.
Warm hugs,