Sunday, August 1, 2010

Losing my mind

I have not written here in a very long time, even before that my posts were pretty sporadic. I keep trying to write and deleting my posts. I cannot seem to follow any thought to the end. I start to write and before I can finish, I have completely forgotten what I am trying to say. My entire life has become this way. My mind is racing most of the time, and yet the thoughts race out of my head before I can act on them. I have been fighting a general feeling of restlessness and discontent. That is very unlike me. I am not sure why I have been feeling this way. Possibly the stress I am under, maybe hormones, maybe I am slowly slipping into insanity, at least that is what it feels like much of the time. My doctor attributes it to the first two reasons, but it seems that everything that has been wrong with me for the past ten years was (at least originally) blamed on hormones. If this is the onset of menopause, I wish it would just hurry up and be over with. I could save a ton of money on feminine hygiene products as well as regain my sanity. The fact that I have not experienced any other symptoms (physical) doesn't seem to matter to anyone but me.

I am struggling to keep up with things at work. My work is not suffering, but I have had to resort to all kinds of lists and reminders to myself that are not usually needed. My housework has fallen behind, I get sidetracked so easily I just sort of wander around and find it difficult to finish anything. I write when bills are due on my calender and then check it 10 times a day, because I cannot remember what I just looked at. I check my bank account several times a day, because, I either forgot I payed something or question if my balance in the checkbook is correct. Last weekend I turned the iron on to heat up and my son found it three days later still on (and no, I never did my ironing). It has only gotten worse as I no longer trust myself to know or remember anything. When I do remember, I doubt my own memory.

I have started meditating, which seems to be helping minimally. It is teaching me to slow down and practice mindfulness. I used to be able to multi-task very well. I sort of went on auto-pilot and got everything done. Now I must concentrate and think things through slowly. I try to be aware of what I am doing and not be thinking ahead to the next thing. I have been trying to get more sleep, but sleep is very elusive lately. As soon as I lay down, my mind races even more. I have begun exercising, that is helping very much for the few hours after a really good work-out. I am calm, my mind is sharp and I feel good. However, even if I work-out everyday, the results (for my mind) only last a short time. (Yes, I know, the results on my waistline and hips take longer to show up and last longer.) I have been eating better and eating small amounts several times through-out the day. (I thought some of this might be due to drops in my blood sugar, that is why I changed my eating patterns.) Occasionally, getting some protein in my system helps with concentration and restlessness, but not enough to think that is the reason.

The best thing I have found that helps me focus and slows my mind, is J. Just talking to Him helps some, but when He asserts Himself and gives me directives and plants thoughts in my head, I immediately respond. The chattering stops, I slow down, all else is off my radar, only J remains in my head. It has been a month since He was last here. He was out of the country and since He has been back, He is busy and tired. We talk write and chat frequently, but I miss Him very much. I think about Him all the time, but when I get very restless I try and fantasize about being with Him. I think about Him spank me or play intensely with me. I think that He needs to get my attention, to drive all the other thoughts and worries out of my head. I think I need the release of those endorphins, I need to surrender, I need to find that place inside of myself, and be engulfed in His presence. J grounds me, He focuses me. He always has done that. I dealt with things and managed things on my own for years, I still do really, as He is not here all the time. I do rely on Him though, for even when He is not here, I know I am not alone.

That is all I can manage to write before my train of thought derails again. J gave me a writing assignment close to a week ago, so I will post that next, just as soon as I can concentrate enough to finish it. The longer I go without writing, the harder it is to write something. I got out of the habit and now I must become more disciplined and keep writing again. I decided to think aloud on the blog today to sort of break the ice and get some of this out. I haven't disappeared completely, I've just been lurking about.

5 comments:

elle said...

Its good to see you here sweety.

You have some company in the place you're at right now. Several of us, including me, seem to be going through this. In fact it was Sara (findingsara.wordpress.com) writing about this the other day which drew me to writing a piece of my own. While I'm sorry others are going through this, its good not to know I'm not on my own with some of the things I'm experiencing.

Gillette (ex-courtesan.blogspot.com) has also written a couple of interesting and thought provoking pieces recently on this.

Like you, I'm finding meditation helps a bit....certainly quiet time. For me, writing too, or at least a combination of writing and gathering around me other writings which I'm drawing strength and comfort from as I feel not only my body being changed by this process. Much is not being published, but even that which is deleted feels like a release of some kind, or a way to process.

Hang in there sweety.....and know you're not on your own. If I can help in any way, just holler.

love and hugs xxx

Gillette said...

Hey, Alice-

I know many of us are experiencing the same. I am hearing inklings from a variety of alternatively minded women about possible sources:

One is that we are ALL experiencing the neuronal effects of increased EMPs from all our electronics. If we are particularly attuned to energy, then these are affecting us even more. One woman I talk to on this Feminine power course I'm taking, is in her late 70's and has finally gotten a device that shuts all that out in her home so she finally feels sane. It makes sense...PLUS if we are going through menopause, then we are even more susceptible because our brains are rewiring.

Second...honoring that rewiring, taking great care of our bodies (as you are doing), eating well, taking herbs, meditating all help to mitigate the STRESS that can interfere with the natural process of our physiological shifts.

The sun is going through some weird stuff that will increase the next few years- lots of activity that sends out impulses, affects the weather, our machines (phones, planes, etc) so why not our brains, too? Makes sense to me.

While there's more possibly in it, I also consider what metaphysicians are saying about how time is, literally, speeding up. The more energetically sensitive we are, the more we feel it.

Anyway...just to let you know that you are not alone...and rather than it being something that's "wrong" with you, it may be a sign that you are right on track (well..I hope that's what it means...and I, for one, am sticking to that story ;) )

Alice said...

elle and Gillette,

I was a little surprised when I saw your comments, I half expected no one to read here anymore. Your words also touched me. I know I am not alone in this, but it so feels that way sometimes. Your words affirm me and give me comfort. I know I will get through this, but I am hating it. Meditation is helping more and more. It is giving me focused time and I am seeing how this is more than the changes occurring in me. It has to do with past experiences too. If I can hold onto that thought I will write about it. Thanks again. I sure hope that it means I am on the right track, because it feels I have left the track and am hurtling through space. :)

Hugs, Alice

swan said...

Alice --
I'm a little ahead of you on this path. I am mostly through the storms of menopause, and nothing that you write here surprises me in terms of the way it feels to be making the passage. It truly is like learning to live in an entirely different body, and a different mind as well. Disconcerting to say the very least.

I'm not sure if there is a typical "menopause" experience, but I think it makes sense to try the things that others have found helpful. Some may work for you as well. Probably not all... Whatever you find, know that it does pass in time. Not quickly enough for most of us, but it does.

Hugs, swan

Alice said...

Thank you Swan, it is disconcerting. I know it will pass, but I wonder who I will be when I am out the other side of this. The worst part so far is the lack of concentration and forgetfulness. I get very frustrated with myself and just feel dumb. After years of working with people with disabilities, I feel as if I have a disability myself. Unfortunately, I lack the patience and understanding with myself that I have with them. It is reassuring to know that what I am experiencing is normal (or at least not unexpected). Since I have no choice, I guess I will muddle through and keep trying to take care of myself.