Sunday, August 29, 2010

Visiting the past

I am not sure if it's due to my age, maybe I am entering another stage of my life.  Possibly I have evolved enough to see things as they were, but differently.  Maybe I am just taking inventory of my gratitude for how things have turned out.  Whatever the reason, I keep being turned around to look back on the past and reflect on what was.

Things I read, things people say to me, dreams that I have, almost daily prompt me to take a look back.  A few years ago, I would have resisted that backward glance.  My life was good, but there were things in the past too painful to recall and better left alone.  I would have claimed that I was over all of that, things had been laid to rest, resolved, so I did not need to remember them or think about it.  J changed all that, He wanted to know about me, He asked me questions.  He didn't press me to tell Him things that were painful for me, but He would tell me, "one day you'll want to tell me about it."  And, since He is always right, much sooner than later, I would.  He did not see my aversion to crying as a good thing.  He told me, "when you are ready, you will give your tears to me," and of course, He was right.  Although, now He might regret that, because I cry for Him all the time.  He has deconstructed the walls I had built.  He taught me how to trust and be vulnerable.  He has opened my boundaries and expanded my limits.  For the first time in my life, because of Him, I have experienced intimacy and love.  He has changed me and He has left His mark on my soul and heart.  The truth as I knew it then and the truth as I know it now, exists only in my mind.  That truth is constantly evolving, therefore, I am constantly evolving. 

As I evolve, I keep revisiting the past and redefining it.  Some parts of my past are simply memories that I reflect on and am grateful for the outcome.  Other parts are more traumatic and I assess their impact at the time and the healing that has occurred.  Then there are the stories from my life that are ongoing, where the end is yet unknown.  The story of J and I fall into this last category, I will have to wait and see what He has in store for me and what the Universe has in store for us.

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