Tonight, I am quite possibly the most selfish person on the planet. I am pouty and covetous and petulant. What makes it worse is I hate that I feel this way and I can't seem to snap out of it. Intellectually, I know I am blessed and that nothing has really changed from when I felt blessed and peaceful. Knowing that doesn't lessen my feelings one bit, in fact it makes it worse. I know I am where I am supposed to be and the only thing wrong is my wanting what I cannot have. Normally, I can roll with things, I persevere and find a lesson in doing so. No one's life is perfect and no one gets everything they want, so why do I want to stomp my foot and cry and feel sorry for myself? I am tired, I have been stressed and not sleeping well. This seems to be a bad time of year for me. The past couple of years I have struggled during the first few months of the year. It is very rare for me to sink down and wallow in self pity, but that is where I am right now.
I have been fighting this for a while, but this weekend it all caught up with me and I lost the fight. It is greater than my desire for what I don't have (though that is much of it), it extends to a much broader situation as well. I look at the world, all the things happening, wars, earthquakes, certainly the crisis at the nuclear plant. It all makes me feel so empty and sad. It makes me think, is that all there is? Acknowledging the tragedies in the world are affecting me, makes my being self-centered even worse. Those situations should make me endlessly thankful for what I have. But I want things to be a little easier. I want some breathing room. I want, for one week, to have no one come to me with a problem or need. It is my fault, I attract those in need, I encourage it. My family, my friends, my clients at work, they all seek me out to complain, whine, vent or have me fix things. But now I have no resources left, financially, emotionally and physically, I am experiencing a deficit. I want to be redeemed and restored. I think of all the things I want, things I want to buy, places I want to travel. I know these are things I will never have and never do. Some of my desires are noble, many more are selfish. Either way, they are impossible. This is life, it is my life. Normally, I look around and I see those who have even less than I do. I see people suffering and in need, people who deserve better. Today, I am focusing on people who have more, people who are undeserving of what they have. People who have done nothing to earn an easy life, people who have hoards of useless things. Deep down I know it is not about deserving or entitlement, it just is. I know I cannot see in people's hearts. I know that those things and those desires will not bring happiness or contentment. I have been very happy and content with what I have and I will be again. I have to breathe and put one foot in front of the other and keep going. I have to see what I have rather than what I want.
My greatest selfish desire? I want to be with J. It is not about my love for him or my submission, it is about my need. I need to be with him. I know I am his and I know we will be together again soon. But I want him every day. I want to share with him the things that time constraints do not allow. I want what I cannot have. I curse the distance between us and the circumstances that aren't going to change. Okay, not really, I was the one who sought out someone further away. I wanted the safety of that distance, a buffer to keep them at bay and allow me to keep an emotional distance. I never contemplated falling in love, I never contemplated finding someone like J. Someone so perfectly suited for me, someone I could really submit and surrender to. I should be thankful he is not here right now, because I am unbearable and focused on what I want, not what he wants. However, I think he is the cure for what ails me. I need his help to quiet these thoughts and regain my focus. I need to submit and serve him. I need to surrender the control. In the meantime, I need to take a breath and keep wading through all of this. I need to focus on my blessings, of which he is the greatest one. I need to be still and feel his presence with me, inside me. I can always feel him with me, because I know that I am his.