Delurking on my own blog

I am still around and I am well. I have been reading all of the other blogs that I read, but I haven't been commenting much nor have I been posting here. I am not sure why, other than my mind has been a swirl of thoughts and I can't get them to stop swirling long enough to put them down in a coherent manner. Perhaps it is the winter cold, or my mental forays into my past and thinking about how that ties into my present. Maybe it is just my post-holiday tiredness. Although I have thought about many topics, my mind wanders off before I can make a point or draw a conclusion. I have been organized and ordered enough to go to work, then come home to cook and clean, take care of doggies and occasionally grandchildren. There just hasn't been much leftover when it comes to writing, as Austin Powers would say, "I've lost my mojo, baby." So, in an attempt to get back in the groove (so to speak), I am going to write about my beginnings with J.

In the spring of 2007, I caved in to the pressure of some of my friends and co-workers and I put up a page on a social networking site (Yes, it was My Space). I wasn't into the whole adding friends and leaving comments sort of thing, but I did start blogging there. Most of what I wrote had a political slant with a little social commentary mixed in. Everything I wrote had a chip on my shoulder kind of air to it, but in spite of that, I began getting messages from other people. Given the statistical odds, about half of those people were men. And given the nature of that site, more than half of those men were looking for women.

At that point in my life, I had been single, dateless and celibate for a long time. There was a reason for that, my past relationships (especially my last marriage) had left me not only with a bad taste in my mouth, but a damaged psyche as well. It made me fiercely independent, cynical and solitary. As much as the men I heard from did not interest me, I realized that maybe meeting someone, for a casual type of relationship, did interest me. That summer, I put a profile on a (vanilla) dating site. On my profile, I confirmed that I was not looking for a particularly serious relationship, that I was very independent and I also included a minuscule reference to possible kinkiness. Again, I was not very intrigued by the men that messaged me.

It was in browsing through profiles that I came across J. His profile was brief, but well-written. It reflected similar (vanilla) interests and a location that was not too close (though not too far). I sent Him a short message expressing interest and requesting a little more information. His reply is what captured me (literally). He responded specifically to things I had written in my profile. He was clearly intelligent, funny, disarmingly honest and He brought up His interest in D/s and spanking. Though I was a bit surprised (and taken aback) by his candidness, I was also very intrigued and drawn to Him. We began corresponding online and talking on the phone, within a couple of exchanges I felt very submissive towards Him.

I had never encountered a man like Him. He was naturally dominant (whatever that is) and He seemed to have known me my entire life. It was as if He could read my mind, He just knew me. I never questioned my ability to trust Him, nor His ability to lead me. I felt cared for, safe and submissive. In less than two months, we met. Being with Him in person, only confirmed everything I had been feeling. That was a year and a half ago. In that time, I have only become more enamoured with Him, more trusting, more cared for, and very much in love. I have told Him things I have never told anyone. Things that I thought made me too needy, too high maintenance, too damaged. Nothing fazed Him, not my insecurities, my confessions, nor my past. He has exorcised my demons, He has healed me, He has made me His. Even the distance (that was originally my safety net), has not adversely affected us. I feel close to Him always, even when we are apart. He has become part of me, His presence is inside of me.

He has freed me, so He can possess me. He has healed me, so He can see me shed tears. He has strengthened me, so I can surrender to Him. The casual relationship that I was seeking has snared my soul. Surely, we have shared past lives, for He is my twin flame. For someone who has never believed in soulmates, I have had to rethink and temper my whole philosophy. In J, I have found what I never even knew existed.



Ain't No Other Man ~ Christina Aguilera