"Well," thought Alice to herself, "after such a fall as this, I shall think nothing of tumbling down stairs!"
~ Alice's Adventures in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
My submission and my mindset have been evolving from the beginning of our relationship. As my trust in Him deepened, my submission became surrender. Early limitations have now become desires. I only want to explore and cross these limits with Him, not only for Him, but for myself as well. I want to experience the freedom of completely surrendering to Him. The freedom of conquering my fears and anxieties.
This is not new, for several months we have discussed certain activities, desires, and scenarios. I had already stated my willingness and desire for these things to happen. What is new is my mindset. My desires for these things are increasing, while my fears are decreasing. Before, I was willing, I knew I would do my best to comply and I was pretty sure that I would be able to override my fears. Now, I truly desire that these things come to pass, I still feel some anxiety over it, but more of an excitement, anticipating the unknown, less of a fear.
It is still the surrender that I desire, more than the particular activities. Knowing that there is nothing I will deny Him. Knowing that my participation will fulfill me and gratify me in a way I have not known. Whether it is exploring another woman with Him, exposing myself in public at His direction, kneeling before Him for a golden shower, or having my nipples pierced to receive His rings, I desire all of these things. I am excitedly, albeit nervously, anticipating them.
It is a bit like giving birth (only less hormones and no stretch marks). You know it will hurt, it won't be easy, it will change your life forever, but despite being a little scared, you are sure it is what you want and you are anxiously anticipating the event. Is that an over-simplification, a poor analogy? Possibly, but that is how I feel. The longer I carry these thoughts in my mind, the more they develop and grow and the more I anticipate the events. Gee, I wonder where that will leave me nine months from now.