Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Voices from my past

A person from my past has been sending me messages. It has been hard, but I have chosen not to respond. We have already had these conversations, I have already answered these questions. There was a time when I considered him as a friend, a mentor. I admired him and respected him, I suppose I even loved him. Some part of me still feels all of those things, but he doesn't really know me, he never really listened to me. Entertaining a conversation now, would not change that.

At one time, I was hopeful about what might be. He seemed familiar, comfortable. I mistakenly confused comfort with familiarity. Things were familiar because they mimicked a destructive relationship I had been in. He saw me for someone he could shape me into, he did not accept me for who I was. I mistook demands and control for dominance. He claimed he admired my strength, yet he was resentful when my strength opposed him. His messages now, range from sad, to angry, to hopeful. The past year has been hard and difficult for him, I wish I could be a friend to him, but I can't. He does not want my friendship, he wants more. I am sad, because I see how he has isolated himself from people who could be supportive, including me. Everything must be on his own terms, so my silence remains as my thoughts go out to him.

The whole thing has made me see how self-destructive we can be. We try and control things rather than accept things. We hold onto the familiar, even when it keeps us from growing. We listen to words, even when actions contradict them. Life is hard, change is even harder. We want others to change, so we can stay the same. It is easy to miss the nuances of relationship. The familiar seems comfortable, when it is actually stagnating. Trust cannot be given until it is earned. Love and caring stem from acceptance, growth can't occur until we accept what is.

I am grateful for J. He has helped me learn these truths. He accepted me for who I was, even as He embraced and encouraged my growth. He has always been worthy of my trust and He has helped me trust myself again. I am safe with Him, on a level that I have not experienced before. He is the only person that I have ever been able to fully reveal myself to, without fear of judgement or retribution. He has enabled my submission, by teaching me what dominance is.


Greenwoman said...

I am glad that you are holding your boundaries about not having contact. Hang in there. *smiles*

Alice said...

I used to have a very difficult time maintaining my boudaries. Life has taught me the importance of doing that. Yet it is hard to stand by and watch someone feel so alone and unhappy, even when that is their choice.

Learning to take care of myself has been a difficult lesson.

Warm hugs to you,

Paul said...

Alice, I learnt at an early age, that to change the world you must first change yourself, this is an ongoing process.
Warm hugs,

Alice said...

That is a lesson that some people never learn. It took me a long time and much grief to understand it myself.