I am still around, I am beginning to feel much better. I truly appreciate all of your comments and concerns. My silence has been mainly due to exhaustion. Since my last post, I received the results of my lab work and discovered that being sick was not the only reason I was feeling so bad. J has also been less than 100%, He has been dealing with a lot of stress and pressures and fighting to stay healthy as well. The past week, I have been feeling the distance between us, I have been wishing that we could be fully present for each other. Hopefully that will occur for us very soon. Our need to be together is great. My desire and my need to serve Him has become consuming. I always feel His presence and His support, even when we are apart. My wish and my frustration is to be as present and as supportive to Him, as He always is to me.
During the past month, I have been struggling with concentration issues, they have thwarted my writing, but not my reflections. My devotion to J deepens everyday. I feel I have come to see our dynamic even more clearly, our need for each other and our relationship is very balanced. The domination and submission aspect of our dynamic is, but one part of our relationship. At the core is our love and our caring for each other. My ability to trust Him completely has freed me from so much. My entire attitude has changed, I see my past as not being something that I needed to overcome, but something that prepared me for my relationship with J. I am much more able to recognize how exceptional He is and appreciate what he offers to me, because of how lacking my other relationships were. For so long, I yearned for a connection, yet I didn't know exactly what it would be and truly doubted the possibility of ever finding it. His presence, His domination and His truthful and caring wisdom, have allowed me to become a better person in all areas of my life. He gives me a purpose, not just in my submission to Him, but He helps me define my purpose in everything.
Constance recently wrote a post about courage. Her post helped me realize that J has helped me find the courage to move beyond my fears and fully explore my needs and desires. Many of the coping mechanisms that I had employed to get to where I was, were actually hindering me from achieving what I wanted to be. J has given me the strength to open myself to vulnerability. I feel extremely lucky and blessed to have found a person so perfect and suited for me. I also am grateful to the people and the community I have found online. My growth and my self-actualization have been nurtured and aided by all of you too. I do hope this is making sense, because I am still having trouble expressing my thoughts. I have great anticipation for what this year will bring.