Saturday, February 14, 2009

Regaining our balance and losing myself

I am finally recovering from my illness and my higher dose of medication seems to be kicking in. I am beginning to feel like myself again. J was here on Tuesday, it was just what we both desperately needed, at least I know that I was feeling rather desperate for Him. We both were quite exhausted and not completely healthy. However, the intensity was greater than I have ever experienced with Him.

Of course, in my mind, I had thoughts of making the evening perfect. Feeling frazzled and the events of the day seem to curtail that. I had hoped to be ready and waiting for Him, with dinner on the table when He arrived. That didn't happen. What I discovered was that a perfect evening did not depend on my being perfectly dressed and made-up, nor having the house spotless and dinner on the table. It just entailed us being together. I find that my desires and fantasies are limited (in part) by my experiences. I have been desiring intensity, in the form of pain play. I am not even sure that I was physically up to what I had been fantasizing about. I certainly received intensity, but of a different variety. His knowledge of my body and my reactions surprise me each time we are together. The climaxes and feelings of pleasure that He can evoke from me, as well as the sensations that I have never before experienced, truly boggle my mind.

When He arrived, I clung to Him. I never wanted to let go, He felt like a lifeline to me. His physical presence made everything perfect. Everything else faded from my mind; all of the distractions, the things I did not get done, not feeling well, all became unimportant and my focus was entirely on Him. He has become my center, my place of calm and peacefulness. My greatest joy and desire is to serve Him and to belong to Him. I prepared dinner, which we shared, along with some wine. I sat at His feet, I touched Him and tasted Him. Quenching my desire and my need for Him. We engaged in some spanking and some impact play. Then He began touching me, tasting me, biting me. He demanded my climaxes, quickly, deeply, incessantly. It was so intense and fast, it drove me deep within myself. He had completely control over me, I was surrendered to Him, He consumed me. I was swept up in the waves, pulled out to sea. He spoke to me, asked me things, I heard and my mind tried to respond, but my voice was gone. It was primal, animalistic. He penetrated my body and my mind, I was bound and gagged by His dominance. He pushed me past the point of too much, past my limits, to a place of intensity I did not think was possible. I could not answer with words, only with gutteral responses, screams and moans, while I stared, from deep inside myself, out the windows of my eyes. It was completely sexual, I was a feral being. My mind was fighting to comprehend and regain control, my body was disconnected, only responding, wildly, to Him. Every touch and sensation pushed me deeper. His light caresses on the small of my back, His mouth on my inner arm, everything evoked a sexual response. I could not claw my way to the surface, He trapped me in a vortex of climaxes. He broke me open, I was exposed as He ripped orgasms out of me. I was overtaken and consumed, He fed off of me. It was violent, it was exactly where I needed to be. I am His.


M:e said...

There are times when it gets so intense I can only answer him with my you say, the power of speech is gone.

For me, there is always a definite calm after those 'storms'. I hope it was like that for you too.

love and hugs xxx

Paul said...

Alice, glad to hear that you are better.
A beautifully expressive post, thank you.
Warm hugs,

Alice said...

Although it was incredibly intense, J was very present and attentive to me, I knew he would keep me safe. The calm was being so completely surrendered to him.

Thank you, I am feeling better. Not 100% yet, but much better. It has been very difficult for me to put my experience and feelings into words. Perhaps I am still feeling a bit "dumbstruck". I will admit that I am still processing all of the emotions.

anni said...

I so want to be there. Thanks for sharing.

Greenwoman said...

I am so glad to know that you've got some time with J...and its soooo good to see Paul commenting again. I've missed him.

I hope that you are feeling no ill effects from you sojourn into the physical recently. Thinking of you and happy you are writing again. ((hugs))

Alice said...

Good to see you. You're welcome.

Being with J was just what I needed. Things seem to be falling into place again. I am getting back to where I need to be. It is very good to see both you and Paul here, it makes things feel right. It seems that we have all had our share of trials.