Saturday, August 15, 2009


J's visit was wonderful, just as they always are. He so perfectly compliments me, meets my needs, and dominates me all at the same time. It feels as if He always knows what I am thinking and needing, I think He can read my mind. One of the surprising things to me, regarding our two year journey, is the subtle change in my submission. I am still His, I still submit (to the best of my ability), I still feel surrendered to Him. I also have developed an interest and a need in service to Him. Not just sexual service, but domestic service. When I first began to explore submission (before I met J, when I was just reading and researching), I encountered the topic of domestic service and service submissives. I will admit, I didn't get it. It seemed that it was nothing more than being a maid or a glorified housekeeper. While that is still not a primary focus or purpose for me, I do understand it now. It is about pleasing Him, about being His. I want to please Him, serve Him and care for Him in every way possible. I want to make His life easier and more pleasant. I want to ease His workload and lighten His responsibilities. That is not really possible, especially given the fact that we are long distance. But if I can alleviate extra work, if I can perform little tasks so He does not have to, if I can make Him feel welcome and at home while He is here, I will do what I can to ensure that. It is a delight for me to prepare a meal for Him. Don't get me wrong, I love dining out with Him. I love being with Him in public and assuming different roles, depending on our location and on His wishes and needs. I just love cooking for Him more. It may be related to my love of cooking anyway, it may be because of His appreciation and gratitude. There is nothing like preparing a meal for someone who is extremely appreciative.

I don't really know if this is an aspect of my submission or simply caring for someone I love. I think we often try to compartmentalize the BDSM aspects of our relationships. Separate the kink and the D/s from the rest of the relationship. I think I may do this because going in I thought that was the relationship. I admittedly was looking to satisfy my needs, not necessarily anything more. Looking back, I do not know how I thought I could fully submit to someone I was not fully committed to. By the time J and I met, I already felt bonded to Him. I spent a period of time fighting it. I did not want to fall in love with Him. I thought it might cause Him to push me away or at least gently hold me at arms length. If I had only shared my concerns and my feelings with Him, it would have saved both of us some time and trouble.

It has all worked out for the best. It has been a still is a process. Every relationship is. I now am compelled to share everything with Him, my thoughts, my feelings, all of my daily trivial stuff. All of my missteps have served to bring us closer and make me more surrendered to Him. We love each other deeply, He dominates me superbly, He understands me better than anyone ever has (maybe even me). He probably gets tired of reading and hearing my daily babble, though He tells me He wants to hear it. He explains that it helps Him know me and understand me better, and in turn it helps Him dominate me better. And He does dominate me better, better than I ever thought possible.

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