Saturday, July 5, 2008

Our history

Before I met Him, I wanted a lover, a play partner, but I also wanted to control the situation. I wanted to keep things at a surface level, not delve too deeply. My emotions were locked up tight. They were off limits. The last man I had a relationship with, told me I was intimidating. After we broke up, he told me, it had hurt him that I never shared my emotions with him. He told me that I was too reserved and distant. I told him I didn't think he could handle it.

Deep down, I wanted someone who could take control. I wanted someone who could handle me. I knew, however, that man did not exist. Every little girl grows up with an image of her Prince Charming, by the time we are adults, we better know that he is just a fairy tale. I was decidedly adult and no longer believed in make-believe. I was willing to make a lot of concessions, since I knew the perfect man did not exist, I had pared my list of requirements. I had four requirements left that I could not compromise.

1. Intelligence - I didn't care if he had a Ph.D. or even a degree, but he had to be well read and able to converse on a certain level. Someone like-minded would be nice, but as long as they were open minded, that was okay. A good communicator with a good vocabulary, definitely a plus. Verbal banter is hot!

2. Sense of Humor - For me this ties into intelligence. I didn't a want a well rehearsed, stand-up routine, but I wanted to laugh (with him, not at him). Humor requires intelligence, someone smart enough and mature enough to see the absurdities of life and be able to express them. Extra points for being a wordsmith with a good handle on the English language. I have a thing for words and language. Humor goes a long way with me.

3. Kink-friendly - I was not looking for a Dom, I'd given up on that. I did want to be able to engage in some kinky sex. There were certain things that were big turn-ons for me: oral sex, spanking, light bondage. A quick roll in the hay before rolling over and turning out the lights, was NOT what I was looking for. I needed someone who was not afraid to "handle" me. A man with a firm hand, who enjoyed having his cock in my mouth and was willing to occasionally reciprocate. Someone who didn't think sex was dirty, but thought "dirty" sex was even better. Maybe I had dated more than my share of cold fish, but this was the requirement that I was most worried about.

4. Not seeking a wife - Once, I actually went on a first date with a guy, who told me that he had been divorced for a long time and was tired of being single. He was sure I would understand, because I had been single even longer, so, I must have not been able to find a husband either. He went on to say that, since we had so much in common, he was sure things would work out great for us. (We had nothing in common.) I promptly ordered a stiff drink, and told him, getting married was the last thing I had on my list, right after dying. He continued calling and didn't give up for over a month. My son began referring to him as "the stalker."

This list was one of the reasons I had turned to meeting people on-line. I was hopeful of weeding out the undesirables, before being face to face.

After our first exchange of messages, I realized that He satisfied every one of my requirements. As we continued talking, I knew that He exceeded any expectations that I had. We were extremely compatible. We shared interests and viewpoints in all aspects of life, not just kink related. The connection that quickly developed, and the trust that He inspired in me, led me to open up to Him. In the course of our relationship, I encountered many internal struggles. These struggles did not arise directly from Him, but from the changes and growth that He spurred in me. Opening up to Him was frightening, even as I felt compelled to do so. I was not frightened of Him, I was frightened of confronting that part of myself. I could not hide things from Him and as a result, I could no longer hide things from myself.

I broke all of my own rules. Rules that were designed to protect me, to keep people out. I never had allowed anyone to see my weakness. I kept my past a secret, I did not cry in front of anyone, and I did not fall in love. I am not sure why things were different with Him, but they were. I could take risks with Him, because He took risks with me. He offered me a place of safety, security and acceptance. My secrets and my crying were met with compassion and understanding, not judgement; empathy, not pity. Despite my rules, my resistance, and our circumstance, I came to love Him. I love Him for who He is, both with me and apart from me. I love Him for who He allows and inspires me to be.

The more my emotions became involved, the more I struggled. I was too vulnerable. I did not know where things were going. I did not know where things would be in a month, in a year. I wasn't sure if it was what I wanted, after all, it was against my rules.

In the midst of my struggle, I stepped back, I walked away. I opted for different circumstances, for a situation I thought I could control. I knew immediately it was a mistake. I missed Him, I needed Him and wanted Him. I felt lost and adrift. I didn't need the rules to protect me, He protected me. I didn't need to know what I wanted, He knew what I wanted. In less than a month I came back, humbled.

He is a part of me, He will always be a part of me. He is my Bashert, He shows me my own truth. His influence, our relationship, has left an indelible mark on me. His signature, of sorts. He has forever changed me, improved me. He will always hold claim to me, He will always possess that part of me.


silently if, out of not knowable
night's utmost nothing, wanders a little guess
(only which is this world)more my life does
not leap than with the mystery of your smile

sings or if(spiraling as luminous
they climb oblivion)voices who are dreams,
less into heaven certainly earth swims
than each my deeper death becomes your kiss

losing through you what seemed myself,I find
selves unimaginably mine;beyond
sorrow's own joys and hoping's very fears

yours is the light by which my spirit's born:
yours is the darkness of my soul's return
-you are my sun,my moon,and all my stars

~e.e. cummings

6 comments:

Greenwoman said...

A beautiful tribute to your heart. Blessing Alice.

arielmorgan said...

Alice,

I regularly enjoy reading your entries, for the insight and also comfort of familiar sentiments so eloquently worded.

-Ariel

Alice said...

Shannee,
He has been very good for me, he has restored me in many ways. The tribute is very fitting.

Ariel,
Thank you so much for kind words. I have also gained much insight from many blogs that I read.

Louise said...

So glad you did allow yourself to break your own rules; that takes a lot of courage, and it's wonderful to see it works out this way for you. Your words also remind me of this:

http://nl.youtube.com/watch?v=7gId8f8A0Nw&feature=related

Isn't it marvelous when love does get in the way?!

Alice said...

Louise,

What a wonderful song. I went looking for freedom, but love got in the way. How true, the funny thing is though, I have found freedom by being bound to Him.

Alice

Louise said...

Yes, that's magick!