Recently, I was asked if my life turned out the way I expected it to. I turned fifty this year. I have lived through many phases of my life, I have changed plans and directions many times. I must admit that my life bears little resemblance to what I originally thought it would be.
I will not go all the way back to childhood, but in my late teens I had big dreams. I was attending a small private college in northern Ohio. I was majoring in Equestrian Studies and minoring in Theatre (I know, what a combination). I had worked at a stable and shown horses for 6 years or so. The theatre minor was just an interest, a hobby. I had dreams of running or owning a show stable and teaching lots of kids to ride. My dream had outlasted the typical young girl, horse infatuation and I just knew that this was the direction that my life would follow. I was also sure that I would meet someone, get married and be with them til death do us part.
I will not tell the long, sad story of all that derailed my dreams, but suffice to say that it involved money, immaturity, marriage, divorce, and children. It is really not a sad story though. (Okay, parts of it are pretty sad.) I am alive, healthy, and much happier than if I had stayed married. I am a much better person now, I am more fulfilled, more of my own person. I raised my boys to be good, responsible people too (it is up to them if they follow that path). I am back in school and learning more then I ever did as a teenager. I have worked hard for what I have. I have friends and family that love me. I have a home and a job. I am in a relationship that is fulfilling and affirming.
Having the courage and the trust to enter into that relationship, has been one of the best things I have ever done. It really did not take much courage though. I just knew, I knew I could trust Him. He knew what I needed. As long as I listen to him and follow Him, I am right where I need to be. My submission to Him gives me focus, it gives me perspective.
Thirty years ago, I had no idea that I would be divorced (twice), that I would have raised my boys as a single mom, that I would be finishing my degree at the age of 50, or that I would be in a long distance, D/s relationship. In fact, one year ago, I had no idea that last fact would come to pass. We are quickly coming up on the one year anniversary of my first contact with J. Even after we had developed a connection, we had no idea of what our relationship would become. I often tend to be skeptical of things, I never believed in the idea of soul mates. I suppose, even now, it depends on the use of that term. I do know that He is as close to my soul mate as I will ever find. It is as if He can see inside my heart and mind. From the first time we spoke, He had a knowledge and intuition of me that was a bit uncanny. I tried to write it off to Him being adept at reading people and having good instincts. It is more that that. Don't get me wrong, He worked very hard at getting to know me, learning me. Some things though, He just knew.
We are very like-minded in most areas. In the places that we diverge, we still understand where the other one is coming from. The similarities greatly outweigh the differences. We do not share the same backgrounds, neither geographically or otherwise. We have taken different paths in life. Yet, the connection is there and is very strong. I do not believe that it was accidental that our paths crossed, nor do I believe it is coincidental that we have continued to follow this path together.
I do not know if J would agree with me, but I believe that something bigger than us, had a hand in bringing us together. Whether it be fate, karma, or whatever, the stars aligned, the moon was in the right house and we met. He has been very good for me and I think He feels the same way. He has enabled my personal growth and healing. He has made me a better person. It was not as if my life was stalled or in a rut, I was working, in school, moving forward towards my goals. I was also fiercely independent, aloof, and suspicious of most people. I was a very private person. I had been shaped by my past and it was still haunting me. He changed that, He has reshaped me, He has freed me. Regardless of what the future holds for us, I will always be grateful to Him for liberating me. From that place of freedom, I chose to belong to Him. My service, submission and surrender to Him frees me even more.
I am still subject to the storms of life. I am still pushed, pulled and caught in the undertow. Only now, He is my anchor that keeps me from being lost at sea. Life happens, sometimes it puts up roadblocks on the path to our dreams. Other times it offers a detour and that alternate route might be the road to something that is better than what we ever dreamed of.