I have a friend/acquaintance, that I have known for a long time. She is fairly open and forthcoming about all aspects of her life, including sexual ones. We are not particularly close, yet she makes no secret of certain activities with her husband. I have never disclosed the dynamics or details of my relationship with her.
Her husband is a contractor, he has had trouble finding work locally and has been in Texas working for several weeks. Last week he came home for a visit and for sex (her words, not mine). Friday, she was telling another friend and me about his homecoming. She was also talking about going to the tanning bed. Somewhere in the mix, she said, "you should see my ass." and proceeded to show us the top part of one of her cheeks. It was a very nice shade of red. I was a bit taken aback, I commented, "I didn't know you and Scott were into spanking." She gave me an odd look and replied, "what are you talking about, I got burnt at the tanning bed."
This weekend is beautiful. I have all the windows open to air out the house. In two short days, I will be with J (at least, I hope they're short). I am excited and filled with nervous energy. We have both had a busy and stressful month. I cannot wait to settle into my submission and that mindspace of serving Him. This will be a much needed respite for both of us.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Calm
After this weekend of raging emotions, I am feeling calm again. Speaking with J( even briefly) tonight, restored me even more. He is an incredibly calming presence to me. I might as well just toss it in. The rest of the week is shot, my mind is already into next week.
I also spoke with my friend tonight. It was a good conversation, a girlfriend type conversation. I related some of what I have been going through and we had a good laugh over it. We talked a bit about her situation and I sense she is getting a handle on it. It was nice to reconnect, we will be fine.
When I began the emotional spiral, I longed for some control (His, not mine). My control tends to just clamp down, I shut the door and try to plunge ahead as if nothing is wrong. His control, on the other hand, is calm, steady and even tempered. He is patient, when I am not. My mind and my body surrender to Him and behave in the manner He expects them to. His presence puts me into a calm, meditative, almost worshipful state. He is firm with me and gentle with my psyche. He doesn't back down, but He will slow down and calmly and reassuringly bring me through times of turbulence or resistance. My entire being can rest in the shelter of His dominance. I have never felt safer than when I am with Him.
I also spoke with my friend tonight. It was a good conversation, a girlfriend type conversation. I related some of what I have been going through and we had a good laugh over it. We talked a bit about her situation and I sense she is getting a handle on it. It was nice to reconnect, we will be fine.
When I began the emotional spiral, I longed for some control (His, not mine). My control tends to just clamp down, I shut the door and try to plunge ahead as if nothing is wrong. His control, on the other hand, is calm, steady and even tempered. He is patient, when I am not. My mind and my body surrender to Him and behave in the manner He expects them to. His presence puts me into a calm, meditative, almost worshipful state. He is firm with me and gentle with my psyche. He doesn't back down, but He will slow down and calmly and reassuringly bring me through times of turbulence or resistance. My entire being can rest in the shelter of His dominance. I have never felt safer than when I am with Him.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Sorting it all out
I have been struggling with some things for awhile. There are probably all sorts of reasons for that, the winter blues, some health and medication issues, stresses at work. For months now, I have looked at these reasons and used them to explain and excuse what I felt happening internally. I kept waiting for these feelings to pass, for my life and emotions to normalize. Instead, I felt things continue to be disconcerting, I felt off. Just as things would begin to straighten out, something else would occur and I would succumb to withdrawing into myself again.
This weekend, I felt the anxiety creep in and my control slip away. I felt vulnerable and exposed. I wanted to run away and hide. I felt afraid. The fear that crept in was something that I had not experienced in a long time. It was irrational, I tried to push it away rather than sort it all out. I didn't want to think about it or confront it. I certainly didn't understand it. Last night, I finally gave up and went to bed. I lay sleepless and felt tears flow down my cheeks. This morning, I was sick. I awoke with a migraine and nausea. As I sat, trying to just be still, thoughts came to me. Answers and reasons, revelations popped into my mind. Some things became clear to me.
The biggest and most logical explanation (one that I had been giving myself for awhile) is that I am 50, I have been experiencing some hormonal fluctuations and (gasp, dare I say it) some menopausal symptoms. However, I have had some of these before, and while my doctor told me it was due to my age and being peri-menopausal, it was actually due to thyroid cancer. The cancer now is gone (along with my thyroid) and all of those hormones and functions it controls are now regulated by a pill. In January, I found that my dosage was dangerously low. It was adjusted, I began feeling better and then a whole new set of symptoms began. So...perhaps it is menopause or perhaps it is my body adjusting to the medication changes, or both. Whatever the reason, it is playing havoc on my body and my emotions. I don't like it one bit. My revelation has nothing to do with all of that though. My revelation has to do with my way of reacting and dealing with several things.
In my past life (the one before J) I dealt with fears, stress and frustration by withdrawing, becoming independent, being private, maintaining control. There was no intimacy in my life, I didn't allow it. I could not risk being vulnerable. I was the go to person, yet, I didn't go to anyone. I had friendships, but I kept a part of me isolated. When I met J, that all changed. I developed trust, I opened up, I began to heal. I began to blog. The writing helped me understand myself, I used it to sort through things. I opened up to others, I developed friendships, I became part of a community. I revealed everything to J, but I also took a chance and revealed many things to others as well.
One of my friends (my best friend) is like a sister to me. We have known each other for 15+ years. I had always been there for her, yet I was still private, even with her. As I began to change, our friendship began to change. I opened up more, we talked more. Things shifted to become more equal between us, she was accepting and supportive. The past year for us has been difficult, as my relationship with J grew and deepened, her relationship was betrayed and crumbled. I shared less and listened more, she needed that. Since the beginning of the year, she has been struggling. She has allowed this man back into her life, knowing that he will probably only hurt her again. However, I have been struggling too, not with the same issues, but with the health issues. Except, she wasn't there for me. I can deal with that, I knew she was dealing with her own stress. The past few months, she has changed. She has continued in her toxic relationship, but she has changed her tactics. She has become spiteful, mercenary, and vengeful (not to me, but with him). She has blamed and hurt innocent people, she has lost sight of what she really wants (it has just become about revenge and winning). She engages in these things and then relates them to me and wants my approval. I cannot give it. I am honest, I try not to be judgmental, yet I call her on it. She doesn't want to be accountable, so we have gradually drifted apart. I miss her, I hear other people talking about her, the whole situation hurts me.
At work, I have been struggling to maintain a professional detachment with my clients. I work with a small group of young men, who have mental health issues and have been referred by the courts (due to criminal involvement). At times, they are all very difficult. They all face insurmountable obstacles in their lives. Despite developing a good rapport with them, they routinely become angry and resentful towards me. They also do not want to be held accountable. I cannot divulge some of the details (due to confidentiality), but several threats have been made against me by these boys (yes, they really are boys, early 20s). I continue to work with them, I have been duly cautious and despite the threats, I struggle with not getting too emotionally attached. I look at these boys (that have fallen through the cracks), I read their histories of the horrible things that have happened to them and the horrible things that they have done, it breaks my heart.
In dealing with those things (and a few others) I resorted back to old habits. I withdrew and isolated myself, even here. I have not been posting as much. I have been struggling with the vulnerability of being on-line. I have longed for women friends, ones whom I could open up to. I have had them here all along, but I have been feeling vulnerable and silent. I have been encouraged and supported by receiving comments and notes from many of you. I am sorry that I haven't always responded or responded quickly. I also want to say that through all of this, J and I are good. I have always been open and vulnerable with Him, I cannot imagine being any other way. In fact, the more I withdrew from others, the more I needed Him.
I guess what this very long rambling post is trying to say, is that I have been lurking, I have been reading. What you all have to say has helped me tremendously. I am amazed at how many of us are going through transitional periods in our lives. I am amazed at how many of your experiences and reflections resonate with me. I am here, I will try to write more, to be more vulnerable, feel free to call me on it. I do love you all. No posts next week though, J and I are going away together. I'm sure I will be better after that!
This weekend, I felt the anxiety creep in and my control slip away. I felt vulnerable and exposed. I wanted to run away and hide. I felt afraid. The fear that crept in was something that I had not experienced in a long time. It was irrational, I tried to push it away rather than sort it all out. I didn't want to think about it or confront it. I certainly didn't understand it. Last night, I finally gave up and went to bed. I lay sleepless and felt tears flow down my cheeks. This morning, I was sick. I awoke with a migraine and nausea. As I sat, trying to just be still, thoughts came to me. Answers and reasons, revelations popped into my mind. Some things became clear to me.
The biggest and most logical explanation (one that I had been giving myself for awhile) is that I am 50, I have been experiencing some hormonal fluctuations and (gasp, dare I say it) some menopausal symptoms. However, I have had some of these before, and while my doctor told me it was due to my age and being peri-menopausal, it was actually due to thyroid cancer. The cancer now is gone (along with my thyroid) and all of those hormones and functions it controls are now regulated by a pill. In January, I found that my dosage was dangerously low. It was adjusted, I began feeling better and then a whole new set of symptoms began. So...perhaps it is menopause or perhaps it is my body adjusting to the medication changes, or both. Whatever the reason, it is playing havoc on my body and my emotions. I don't like it one bit. My revelation has nothing to do with all of that though. My revelation has to do with my way of reacting and dealing with several things.
In my past life (the one before J) I dealt with fears, stress and frustration by withdrawing, becoming independent, being private, maintaining control. There was no intimacy in my life, I didn't allow it. I could not risk being vulnerable. I was the go to person, yet, I didn't go to anyone. I had friendships, but I kept a part of me isolated. When I met J, that all changed. I developed trust, I opened up, I began to heal. I began to blog. The writing helped me understand myself, I used it to sort through things. I opened up to others, I developed friendships, I became part of a community. I revealed everything to J, but I also took a chance and revealed many things to others as well.
One of my friends (my best friend) is like a sister to me. We have known each other for 15+ years. I had always been there for her, yet I was still private, even with her. As I began to change, our friendship began to change. I opened up more, we talked more. Things shifted to become more equal between us, she was accepting and supportive. The past year for us has been difficult, as my relationship with J grew and deepened, her relationship was betrayed and crumbled. I shared less and listened more, she needed that. Since the beginning of the year, she has been struggling. She has allowed this man back into her life, knowing that he will probably only hurt her again. However, I have been struggling too, not with the same issues, but with the health issues. Except, she wasn't there for me. I can deal with that, I knew she was dealing with her own stress. The past few months, she has changed. She has continued in her toxic relationship, but she has changed her tactics. She has become spiteful, mercenary, and vengeful (not to me, but with him). She has blamed and hurt innocent people, she has lost sight of what she really wants (it has just become about revenge and winning). She engages in these things and then relates them to me and wants my approval. I cannot give it. I am honest, I try not to be judgmental, yet I call her on it. She doesn't want to be accountable, so we have gradually drifted apart. I miss her, I hear other people talking about her, the whole situation hurts me.
At work, I have been struggling to maintain a professional detachment with my clients. I work with a small group of young men, who have mental health issues and have been referred by the courts (due to criminal involvement). At times, they are all very difficult. They all face insurmountable obstacles in their lives. Despite developing a good rapport with them, they routinely become angry and resentful towards me. They also do not want to be held accountable. I cannot divulge some of the details (due to confidentiality), but several threats have been made against me by these boys (yes, they really are boys, early 20s). I continue to work with them, I have been duly cautious and despite the threats, I struggle with not getting too emotionally attached. I look at these boys (that have fallen through the cracks), I read their histories of the horrible things that have happened to them and the horrible things that they have done, it breaks my heart.
In dealing with those things (and a few others) I resorted back to old habits. I withdrew and isolated myself, even here. I have not been posting as much. I have been struggling with the vulnerability of being on-line. I have longed for women friends, ones whom I could open up to. I have had them here all along, but I have been feeling vulnerable and silent. I have been encouraged and supported by receiving comments and notes from many of you. I am sorry that I haven't always responded or responded quickly. I also want to say that through all of this, J and I are good. I have always been open and vulnerable with Him, I cannot imagine being any other way. In fact, the more I withdrew from others, the more I needed Him.
I guess what this very long rambling post is trying to say, is that I have been lurking, I have been reading. What you all have to say has helped me tremendously. I am amazed at how many of us are going through transitional periods in our lives. I am amazed at how many of your experiences and reflections resonate with me. I am here, I will try to write more, to be more vulnerable, feel free to call me on it. I do love you all. No posts next week though, J and I are going away together. I'm sure I will be better after that!
Distance
J is traveling on the other side of the country right now. He is only away for a long weekend. Even when He is home, He is about 100 miles from me. He was here recently and in a week we will be together again. Yet, this weekend, the distance is pulling at me. I miss Him incredibly. We have talked and I have sent Him several e-mails (though on the phone, He told me that the wi-fi connection at the hotel went out, so He cannot get on-line).
This is very strange and disconcerting to me. I am used to being apart from Him. I can feel His dominance and His presence even when we are apart. There have been times when we have been out of contact for much longer than this weekend. Yet, here I am, struggling without Him. When we spoke, I felt the anxiety melt away, I felt His presence slip around me like a hug. Right now though, all I can feel is the distance.
This has been a rough week. I am probably a bit hormonal and also a bit stressed. I am also anticipating spending a week with Him soon. Perhaps those are the reasons I am feeling this way. I am His pet, I know that I am, I have no fears or doubts about our relationship. I just can feel how far He is from me right now. I am almost embarrassed to admit this. I know I am being somewhat of a whiny baby. Lots of people have long distance relationships, most of them are across a far greater distance then is usually between us, some of them are across a greater distance than we are now. I am not clingy or needy, but I feel that way this weekend. Tonight, I am a child with separation anxiety.
This is very strange and disconcerting to me. I am used to being apart from Him. I can feel His dominance and His presence even when we are apart. There have been times when we have been out of contact for much longer than this weekend. Yet, here I am, struggling without Him. When we spoke, I felt the anxiety melt away, I felt His presence slip around me like a hug. Right now though, all I can feel is the distance.
This has been a rough week. I am probably a bit hormonal and also a bit stressed. I am also anticipating spending a week with Him soon. Perhaps those are the reasons I am feeling this way. I am His pet, I know that I am, I have no fears or doubts about our relationship. I just can feel how far He is from me right now. I am almost embarrassed to admit this. I know I am being somewhat of a whiny baby. Lots of people have long distance relationships, most of them are across a far greater distance then is usually between us, some of them are across a greater distance than we are now. I am not clingy or needy, but I feel that way this weekend. Tonight, I am a child with separation anxiety.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Happy Easter and Glorious Spring
Here are some Easter bunnies for all of you. Whether you celebrate Easter , something else or nothing at all, I hope you are all enjoying this beautiful Spring day.
It has been a while since I last posted. In that time, I have taken a step back to recover from my medication issues and a case of the winter blues. I am feeling better, I have been soaking up the sunshine (at least when it peeks through the clouds) and have been recovering my strength and energy.
I've missed my interaction here and I appreciate all of your comments to me both here and privately. A recent visit from J has done me more good than months of sunshine. He always brightens my day (and often my behind). In just a few short weeks, we will have an entire week together. I am living in anticipation of that event. My daily thoughts of Him have become my meditation. My focus on my submission to Him has become my mantra. He touches and fulfills every aspect of my being, physically, mentally and spiritually. His presence is an amazing element of my life, both when we are together and when we are apart.
I have recently been blessed in many ways. I find that I am able to live in the expectation that, ultimately, things will work for the best and abundance will always have more of a place in my life than want. Enjoy the day! In the spirit of kink, here is a little peep show for you. Be well and be happy.
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