Uh...comments please

It has been awhile since my last post. This one has been languishing, half finished, in my drafts for sometime. What can I say? I have been busy, it's Summertime and the livin is easy. I would rather be on my deck in the sun, than inside at the computer.

Sometimes when J and I are chatting on IM, He asks me to turn on my webcam. Sometimes it is because He misses me and want to see me, usually, it is because He wants to see a bit more of me. I like being able to do that for Him, though it does make me self conscious at times, especially since I can only read His words and not see feedback from Him. Of course, it also makes me nervous because my computer is located next to a window, with a sheer curtain and street view, and I often do not know when my son will return home.

The other night, while we were chatting, J asked me to turn on my camera and take off my top. I did, but also explained that I was expecting my son home shortly. (Of course, always teasing, He wrote, Not my problem, pet. Probably his more than yours, to boot.) I was correct and as I saw my son pull into the driveway, I hastily pulled my top back on. Our conversation at that point took a turn (as it often does) and we began discussing politics, family and religion. (I realize, that for many people, those are dangerous topics, but we really can, and do, discuss everything.) As the hour got late and our conversation came to a close, he referred to my son. I told Him that he had left, shortly after he had arrived. This exchange is what followed:

J: And your top has been on?
A: I guess I need a spanking
A: a hard one
J: Tell you what..... You can write about it on your Rabbit Hole blog... Explaining why you didn't share with me after he left.
J: Have a nice evening!
A: seriously?
J: Sure... Why not? I'd enjoy it, and I suspect your followers would, too.
J: What do you think?
J: Really.. What do you think?
A: It wasn't an intentional act
J: I know.
A: okay, I'll write tomorrow
J: I'm looking forward to the comments.
J: Not as much as the post, but nonetheless...
A: I'm not sure I am looking forward to the comments or the post.
J: Oh, pish!
J: It'll be fun for all.
J: Okay... Almost all.
A: especially you
J: G'night, pet.

So there you have it. I'm not sure what kind of comments He expects. Punishment is not really part of what we share (I was kidding...and hoping...about the hard spanking). And though the oversight of keeping my top on was just that, an oversight, I told Him I would write tomorrow, but it has now been closer to a week. I may be fairly self-disciplined as a sub, but I am a terribly undisciplined blogger.

Oh, and as for my explanation; I was aware when my son left. Though the conversation had moved on to more vanilla topics, I knew I could have mentioned it to Him and removed my top again. I am much more at fault for taking so long to comply with His wishes. For that, there isn't really any excuse that will suffice, other than, sometimes, life gets in the way. I know, that's right up there with my dog ate my homework. (Which has actually happened to me before and even then, that paper wasn't late.) So, here is my admission, I guess I sometimes take advantage of His kindness and understanding and am not as disciplined as I could be. Don't get me wrong, I know the difference of when it will matter (things that are truly important to Him) and when it will not. Oh dear, that makes me sound, either extremely bratty, manipulative or like I take advantage of Him all the time. I really do not.

So there you have it, hold me accountable. I do ask that you recognize the playfulness of His intent in requesting this. I also ask that you take into consideration that today is my birthday. Hey, if I'm going to take advantage here, I might as well go all out!

Courage

This breaks my heart too.

I wrote a post on this on my other blog. I was going to just add a link, but I think it is important enough to justify a double post. For more information on the issues, check out Courage Campaign.

I will never understand how and why the Religious Right (who on one hand preaches love and forgiveness) feels they are justified in dictating and legislating morality and lifestyle. The tenets of Christianity are love, acceptance and forgiveness. Where are the love and acceptance here?

Love and commitment in relationships can take many forms. They are not limited by gender, race, religion, lifestyle or even a number. To deny people in loving, committed, consensual relationships the right to legalize their unions by marriage is shameful. Worse yet is to nullify already existing marriages, because they don't fit into one's idea of acceptability. People in these unacceptable relationships (whether LGBT or Poly) have already shown a greater level of commitment, courage, and problem solving than most mainstream couples. They epitomize the definition of what marriage should be. Perhaps Ken Starr and his followers should be more concerned with their own unions and the high rate of divorce among them. The prejudice and persecution of those in alternate lifestyles violates the freedoms that our country was founded on. It perpetuates falsehoods and stereotypes that breeds hatred and exclusion.

I know that this is an issue that has been going on for awhile. You may feel it is old news. Yet it continues. The battle is being played out in different states across the nation, for every step forward, there are two steps back. This is a battle that will be won, the only question is when. Whether this is being fought in your state or whether it directly effects your lifestyle, it effects us all. When the law can dictate who we love, live with, have sex with it is archaic and wrong. When people who love each other cannot care for each other, own property, provide benefits, make medical decisions, raise families it is immoral in every sense of the word. If you want to legislate morality, then let love win.

Within You Without You

We were talking about the space between us all
And the people, who hide themselves behind a wall of illusion
Never glimpse the truth, then it's far too late, when they pass away
We were talking about the love we all could share, when we find it
To try our best to hold it there with our love
With our love, we could save the world, if they only knew

Try to realise it's all within yourself
No one else can make you change
And to see you're really only very small
And life flows on within you and without you

We were talking about the love that's gone so cold and the people
Who gain the world and lose their soul
They don't know, they can't see, are you one of them?
When you've seen beyond yourself then you may find
Peace of mind is waiting there
And the time will come when you see
We're all one, and life flows on within you and without you

I have been pondering why it took me so long to realize that my truth has been there all along.

Red faced

I just read this post by aag. She is always good to make me smile. Her embarrassment reminded me of an incident of my own from our recent trip together.

As I posted before, the trip was business for J. He had a display set up at a convention center. On our last day there, we had to break down the display and load it in the van. It was threatening to rain and we had been hurrying to get it loaded. However, I had also been fighting a very strong and present urge to either touch Him there in front of everyone, or drag Him off to...well just about anywhere we could have done it. I was a good girl and I behaved myself, but walking out to the van, as soon as we had cleared the crowd, I said (rather loudly), "You really don't know how badly I want to suck your cock."

He turned around (He was about five feet in front of me), smiled and replied, "I'm glad to hear that and so is the guy that's about three feet behind you." I thought He was just teasing me, but as I shot a look over my shoulder, sure enough, we were not alone. I don't know if I was overheard or not, I was too embarrassed to make eye contact.

Addiction

Looking back, I know that my submissive nature and my need to be dominated and controlled was always there. Even before I knew that people did that. In past relationships, I desired it, toyed with it and tried to give into it. However, none of those men ever stepped up to the plate and responded in kind. Then there were many years of my refusing to give an inch, I glorified my independence, I prided myself on not needing anyone. I simply refused to relinquish control or be vulnerable in any way. One man I dated told me I was intimidating. I could live without, after all, I believed what I desired simply did not exist. I did not share, I did not cry, I did not submit.

Then I met J. It was as if He reached inside me and unlocked the door that guarded my submission. Despite my sensibilities and all the warning bells and alarms, He had me. Though I trusted and needed no one, I trusted and needed Him. I expected a casual relationship, a mutual meeting of needs, a play partner. I found a soul mate, a connection that transcended time and distance, an addiction.

I am a junkie. The cravings that He awakened in me are outside of my control. My fix can be delivered in many ways. A note in my inbox, hearing His voice on the phone, sitting quietly at His feet while He strokes my hair, cooking dinner for Him. Then there are also the times of intensity. His hand in my hair, guiding me to (or holding me back from) His cock, laying over His lap while He warms my bottom, bending over the bed as He wields the cane, standing before Him as He binds, clamps and flogs my breasts. The common thread in all of those things is my longing, my craving that I cannot control, my obsession, my addiction, my surrender to Him.

Tales of my travels, in which I am very much His slut, His lady and His pet

I'm back and I'm calm, smiling and satisfied, and more than a little sad it's over. The anxiety, worrying and exhaustion I had been experiencing completely disappeared as soon as we were together. J is a wonderful influence on me, He calms me, knows me and cares for me. I absolutely love every second that I get to spend with Him.

This was a business trip for J. I was excited and privileged to be included in it. The nature of the trip allowed me to help Him and to spend almost the entire time with Him. J works extremely hard and I was pleased to be able to assist Him this week. I often wish I could be more of a support to J, He is always so supportive of me, I love when I can serve Him and aid Him in many ways. The more time I spend with Him, and the more that I learn of Him, serves to validate the love and devotion that I feel for Him. It also increases my desire for Him. After this time together, I thought my need and longing for Him would be sated for awhile, however, I found that it increased more each day that passed. J is the sexiest man I have ever met. I feel like quite a little slut for Him, although I would never behave inappropriately or jeopardize His reputation, I had unbearable cravings to reach out and touch Him all of the time.

This trip together defined and cemented our dynamic. He is quite dominant with me, but He also likes to step back to see what steps I will take to put myself out there and please Him (without a directive). It would be much easier for me to follow a direct order, than to act on things that I know I do not have to do. It is my desire to please Him that makes me put myself out there and test myself by doing things I know He will like. On the day that I did not accompany Him for business, I stayed back in our room. I spent the day relaxing, reading, and walking. I also wandered around and explored the hotel. It was an older hotel, but beautiful and charming. As I wandered around, I found many alcoves and balconies, as well as lots of stairways and sitting areas. We have discussed public sex many times, not blatant, obvious groping, but more discreet (though not without risk) encounters. With that in mind, I chose a closed stairwell (near the elevator and probably not used much) that was fairly near our room. I also went back to the room and put our bed restraint system on the bed. As He had left that morning, He had jokingly said, "I expect you to be tied up and waiting for me when I return." I then showered, shaved and placed cuffs on myself. I almost succeeded with strapping myself down, but couldn't quite get the last cuff snapped into place when He came in the door. Though seeing me naked and three quarters strapped to the bed, made Him smile. (He was very happy to help me secure that last cuff.)

Rather than give a play by play (no pun intended) of our evening, I will just relate some things that define our relationship. We are playful, we laugh and have fun. We stimulate each other sexually and mentally. While I was restrained, we played, not really BDSM play, but more slap and tickle play. Then He unstrapped me, we touched, we conversed and as we lay side by side on the bed (me being naked with wrist and ankle cuffs on), we had a stimulating and serious discussion of the Nixon administration (of all things). Then He got up, slapped my ass and said, "Get up, get dressed and let's go to dinner." While many of you may think that is a strange interaction for a Dominant/submissive couple, that is exactly what makes J perfect for me.

Lest you think that I have forgotten the stairwell, I have not. We dressed for dinner, drove to a lovely, out of the way, Italian restaurant and had drinks and dinner. I did get a bit tipsy, not intentionally, I only had two (though very strong) drinks. The food was excellent, the waitstaff was attentive, He told me about His day and I told Him about mine (including the stairwell). When we got back to the hotel, I led Him past the room, down the hall and up the stairs, where I proceeded to unzip His pants and suck His cock. We stayed in the stairwell until we heard voices and a door (no, they never entered the stairwell) and then we ran down the steps and back to the room like a couple of teenagers.

If you think that this may sound atypical of many D/s relationships, be assured that the rest of the evening was spent in some heavy play time. I was stripped, spanked, caned, paddled and made to cum over and over again. I have lovely cane marks and a sore bottom to remember it by. Our relationship is comprised of many facets, we are much more than Dominant and submissive. He enriches my life in every way. We share a synergy, which strengthens me and makes me a better person. Our dynamic goes way beyond anything I ever expected and beyond what I ever dreamed of.