Saturday, June 6, 2009

Introspective


J recently traveled out of the country. We thought we would have regular contact while He was gone, but due to some technical glitches, that wasn't possible. I was excited and happy for Him to be able to indulge in this much needed vacation. Though, I also wondered what my reaction to His absence would be. What I have found is that each time of separation defines us, as much as each time we are together. I was able to ride a wave of gratitude while He was gone. Both gratitude that He was enjoying Himself and gratitude that He loves and accepts me so fully, I am able to feel secure, even when I am unable to communicate with Him.

Our relationship has been a journey, it has evolved and deepened in ways that I never anticipated. I have been reflecting on that journey a lot lately. M:e recently talked about the changes that have been occurring in her life, her observations made me think even more. I commented to her that I used to focus on our destination. I wondered where all of this would lead us. I no longer think about that end point. Instead, I concentrate on the path we are on. There is a synergy between us, each of us needs exactly want the other has to give. The amount of intensity and control He has come to desire, is exactly the amount of intensity and control I have come to crave. I cannot separate myself from Him, He is a part of me. Whether we are together or apart, I feel Him within me and all around me. Even when there is a lightness to our interactions, within the teasing, playfulness and banter, I feel the current of my submission running deep and strong. I am His, I belong to Him.

We are forging ahead together, but He is blazing a trail within me. I am forever marked and altered by Him. He has refined me and shaped me. Wherever I end up, whatever I become, I will always bear His imprint on me.

6 comments:

Sir J said...

"What I have found is that each time of separation defines us, as much as each time we are together."

As someone who is apart from his love so often this is an excellent thought/observation and so true.

Very well put.

Paul said...

Alice, beautifully put and very true.
Love and warm hugs,
Paul.

M:e said...

We've spoken often about how similar our journeys are and I found, once again, that your comment on the piece I'd written on our changes shed some light on some things for me. While I've understood for some time now that my journey with M is about the journey not the destination, it helped me see that I need to keep that in mind in respect of other relationships too....especially here in cyberia.

As for our separations defining us as much as our times together do....I couldn't agree more sweety. For us, understanding that is where the strength comes from.

Thank you sweety.....beautifully said.

love and hugs xxx

Alice said...

Sir J,
How good to see you here. Thank you for your kind comment. It took me some time to get to the point of feeling this way. We are long distance and have more time apart than together (though we usually communicate daily). But my submission has reached the place of always honoring Him and always being there. His absence does not make me any less submissive to Him, possibly more. I am His always and try to act accordingly, whether He is next to me or on the other side of the world.

Thank you Paul. Your wisdom and insight over the past year has helped me find my way.

M:e,
As long as I keep focused on my submission and our dynamic, I am fine and I am growing. It has taken me quite some time to know that our relationship is different from any other I have had. His acceptance of me has allowed me to overcome my insecurities and my fears. My strength comes from Him. I do know you understand. *smiles*

doubleknot said...

I loved this post. I flux between focusing on the end point and trying very hard to just focus on the journey itself.

"There is a synergy between us, each of us needs exactly want the other has to give. The amount of intensity and control He has come to desire, is exactly the amount of intensity and control I have come to crave."

Yes, yes. This is exactly the case for us as well. I will always belong to him, no matter where the journey takes us.

Thank you for writing this; it resonated deeply with me.

Alice said...

Thank you DK, I am glad this touched you.
((hugs))